What have I become,

My sweetest friend,

Everyone I know,

Goes away in the end,

-Hurt as sung by Johnny Cash

Chapter Three

It had been exactly a week since the 'accident', as I was getting used to calling it. Of course no accident could have killed Alice and Edward, but that wasn't what the public was told. Luckily there had been no school this week so I didn't really have to discuss it. I don't think I could have handled that. I didn't know if I was even going to be able to handle it this week when school started back up.

It had been a long week. Everything felt slow. My steps were slow, my speech was slow, everything moving around me was slow. I didn't leave my room much. There was nothing that drew me to the outside world. Charlie would come up with meals that I would usually ignore. He tried his hardest in cooking for me, and the food didn't look half bad, but I just wasn't hungry.

Esme had stopped by every other day and tried to talk to me. I tried my hardest to talk back, but she could see it was difficult. She didn't give up though. I think it was one of the few things she was clinging to, attempting to fix me. Emmett had stopped by yesterday and told me funny stories about Alice and Edward, trying to help me remember all the good times. I appreciated the effort but it was still a little too early. Rosalie's visit was the most welcome two days ago when she came by and just sat with me, holding my hand. She didn't say anything and didn't try to give me words of comfort. But she just made it so I didn't have to be completely alone for that one hour. It had been nice. Carlisle checked in every day, going as far as to take my vitals. He was threatening to insert an IV into me if I didn't start eating soon. I think in normal circumstances the dread of needles would have been enough for me to comply with his demands, but I just couldn't summon any sense of true conviction against having the IV. It made no difference to me.

Jasper was the only Cullen that hadn't visited and it was starting to worry me. It was the only thing I could summon up any energy to be interested about. I always asked where he was and I always got the same answer. "He's out by himself, but he is safe and nearby." I never asked anything more about him although I was curious and concerned. I wanted to see him. I felt like he was the only one who might know how I felt. I also felt like he could help me. He could make all my pain go away in a single thought in his head. I wanted that. I wanted to slip into oblivion. But he didn't come by. He never checked in. As time went on, I actually became angry with him. I needed him, damnit, and he couldn't come see me. He had to know how hard this was for me because he was feeling it himself. Couldn't he come to ease that pain? Couldn't he check in on me?

Jacob also came by and visited one day, but it was hard for him and he didn't stay long. I think he couldn't handle the pain that was more than visible on my face. I didn't have to have any special gift to understand the discomfort it caused him to see me look this bad. He tried so hard to comfort me, but when his efforts got him nowhere he didn't stay. I didn't blame him. I wouldn't want to be around me either.

I had searched for a way to leave consciousness behind me, but there was none. Sleep wasn't even a real reprieve. I just had nightmares of seeing Alice and Edward torn limb by limb apart. Even after they had been dismembered their eyes would still seek mine out and bore into my soul. I didn't know what they were trying to say to me.

I woke that morning, feeling no different than the days before. Overwhelming grief still permeated my soul. I wondered how long I could stay like this. If I didn't eat, would I eventually die? Or would I continue to live out this painful existence? How long would it take for the pain to ebb away? Could it ever leave? I couldn't imagine a time where I wouldn't feel this sense of loss. My heart had been taken away from me and it didn't seem possible to go on living without it.

My mind had a lot of time to replay the different scenes that got me to this point and I had pinpointed the pivotal event, my birthday. That one cut had been enough to change the course of my life and those around me. If I hadn't been so clumsy maybe this wouldn't have happened. I stared at my bedside table and saw a needle that I had used to sew up a tear in one of my jeans. Two weeks ago I had fallen in the school parking lot, landing on my knee which led to scrape and a hole in my pants.

I sat up in my bed gingerly and reached over to the needle, grasping it in my right hand between my thumb and finger, as if I was holding a pen. The metal was cool and that served as yet another reminder of my loss. Would anything ever not remind me of Edward and Alice? I stared at the needle, examining it from all angles before slowly bringing it down to the tip of my ring finger on my left hand. I pressed it firmly against the skin, but not applying enough pressure to break the skin yet. I thought about what I was about to do, and almost stopped. But, I had to see the source of all the problems once more. With more confidence I pierced my skin and brought the needle back out of my skin. I set the needle down on my dresser and turned my focus to the small bubble of blood that was pooling to the surface. It was a single drop. The familiar tangy rust smell reached my nose, but for the first time it didn't cause me any nausea. I just didn't care right now. Instead I looked at that single drop and couldn't believe that my blood, and so little of it for that matter, could be the source of so much tragedy. It was amazing if you really sat down and thought about it.

I was surprised I didn't feel any pain in my finger, which made me wonder. I picked the needle back up and stabbed the back of my hand to see if there was any pain there. Nope. Roughly I stabbed my arm, but still nothing. What was wrong with me? Curiosity filled me and I wondered if I would need a bigger injury to feel pain.

I got up out of bed and went over to my desk where I had a pair of scissors and took them back to my bed. I sat back down in my spot. I almost wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of the scene. I knew that if anybody walked in, they would think I was trying to kill myself, but I was honestly curious. Could I feel pain? I hesitated with the scissors in hand. Where should I cut myself? The wrist was out, that was too dramatic. I almost did the inside of my hand, but I didn't want to hinder any movement. I chose my arm, thinking it would be easy enough to say I scraped it on something if anybody asked.

I opened the pair of scissors up and took one of the blades to my skin. Without hesitation I pulled the blade down the side of my arm for about an inch. A familiar sting pulsated from my skin and I knew that I wasn't numb all over. The pain was actually kind of nice. I could focus on the throbbing in my arm rather than the ache in my heart. I pinched at it, causing an even stronger jolt of pain. I was slightly tempted to make another cut to increase the pain some more. Maybe if I made enough cuts I could drown out my emotional distress completely. However, I was still sane enough to know that this probably would not be the case and it wouldn't help anything in the long run. I wasn't suicidal, at least not at this point. I wanted to die so bad, but there was still a small part of my brain that was whispering that I could not do that to all of the people that loved me. I would not do that to Charlie. He was holding me to this world. I didn't know if that pull would always be enough to keep me from joining Alice and Edward wherever they were, but it was enough for now.

I had never understood how Edward could watch Bella sleeping, or any human for that matter. I looked at Bella from a tree that faced her room, and I just didn't get the fascination. She tossed, turned, and muttered in her sleep, but it just didn't hold my interest like it had obviously done with my brother.

Thinking about Edward was hard, but it was less painful than thinking of Alice so that's what I did. I watched Bella and thought about Edward. Oh thank God, she is waking up, however that really wasn't much better. She has barely left her room the last week, although I didn't blame her. I wasn't really one to talk considering I hadn't changed my clothes or bathed the last week; she had at least done that. There were twigs sticking out in my hair and I knew I had dirt smudges all over myself, but I still couldn't bring myself to go back to the house. There were too many memories there. Out here, although there were memories, there weren't as many.

Bella reached over for something and sat up in her bed. What was she doing? I felt out for her emotions and there was the now common place depression, but there was something else. The best word I come up with it was curiosity. I focused on her and saw a needle in her hand. What the hell was she doing? When she brought it down to her skin I was bracing myself to jump out of the tree and save her from herself. But I didn't feel any emotions about suicide, and who killed themselves with a needle anyways. I was just overreacting. She stared at the blood droplet on her finger and I immediately stopped breathing. I don't think I would have been able to smell it through the closed window, but there was no reason to chance it.

She continued to stab herself two more times and I had to wonder what she was doing. She was still curious, but she was also confused. What was there to be confused about? Well, except for my confusion over why she was doing this. She got out of her bed, stumbling slightly as she reached out and grabbed a pair of scissors that were on her desk. Well, this just got a little bit more serious. I leaned forward preparing myself for the instant that something bad happened. She sat back on her bed and brought the blade to skin on her arms. There was a wave of amusement before she cut herself, maybe an inch. There was a small surge of pain. She squeezed the wound, letting the pain come on stronger.

I truly didn't understand this human at all. She seemed to focus on the pain for a few minutes before jumping up suddenly, excitement coursing through her. It was the first time in a week that I truly saw life in her features and I wondered what could bring this about. She grabbed her jacket, not bothering to change out of her sweats and t-shirt before heading down the stairs. She told her father something about visiting Jake, before she ran out the door and got in her truck.

What I was doing was wrong. I promised myself I wouldn't do this anymore, knowing that it was dangerous. But, I couldn't help it. I had to see if he was gone forever, or if maybe he was alive in my head.

I pushed my truck to the very limits of its speed, racing down the drizzly road to La Push. I was hoping that Jake was either at school or off with the pack. I really didn't want to explain myself to him, not to mention I don't think he would approve of my reason for riding the motorcycle.

I pulled up to the side of the Black's house and ran out of the car quickly into the garage. Luckily the bikes were still in there. My luck still held as I was able to push my bike outside of the garage. I couldn't believe I was able to get my bike into the back of my truck, must have been some sort of adrenaline rush.

I drove the truck as quickly as possible off the reservation. I really didn't want Jake to catch up with me, so I kept going in the opposite direction. We had always ridden the bikes on the reservation so I didn't really know where I should go. I continued on 101 for a while, finally seeing what I needed. There was a turn off in the woods onto an access road for logging trucks. I took the turn and was thankful that my truck could handle the bumpy road. I traveled for about a mile, when I felt comfortable enough to stop the truck and pull the motorcycle off the bed.

I had stopped in a clear cut clearing. I found my surroundings a perfect reflection of my life. The sky was a solid gray mass, no end in sight as there was a constant drizzle misting the surroundings. The clearing was hilly, but there were no tall trees for about a mile radius. There were stumps everywhere one looked, overgrowth covering the area. The landscaped looked ravished, much like my own heart.

I slipped once trying to maneuver the bike in front of my truck. The road was muddy from the constant drizzle over the last three days. I sloshed through the mud, finally coming around the truck. I threw my leg over the side of the bike and tried to kick start it. It took a couple times, throwing my entire weight into it before the bike rumbled to life. The bike growled as I revved the engine a couple times, before putting the bike into gear and speeding forward.

The wind whipped through my hair. The road was bumpy, causing me to slam into the bike over each divot in the road. I felt my ears roar with excitement, but a distinct voice was missing. An overwhelming sense of disappointment washed over me causing me to lose focus on the road in front of me. I didn't see the pothole until it was too late.

It was probably the most frustrating five minutes of my life when Bella disappeared across the illusive treaty line. I wanted to follow her, but I knew I could not risk breaking the treaty. She seemed in a hurry to get there. I told myself I would give it around fifteen minutes and if she did not reemerge I would call Carlisle to see what we should do. She really shouldn't be out and about right now. I couldn't see how she was in any proper state to go calling on her friend.

Right about as I was working myself up into a healthy state of panic, Bella crossed back over to this side of the line, a motorcycle now on the bed of her truck. What the fuck? I stopped in my track when I caught sight of the motorcycle. What the hell was she doing? There was no desperation in her feelings now, there was just anticipation. Anticipation of what? Her death? I took off at a dead run, catching up with the truck. Mud splattered onto my clothes and ferns brushed against me, sticking leaves all over me. I could visualize Alice up above me grumbling about the state of my clothes, but I didn't care. I had to see what Bella was doing.

When she stopped on some old access road, I couldn't believe what I saw. She was struggling with pulling the bike off her truck. I don't know what I thought she was going to do with the motorcycle, maybe knit a sweater, but by God I knew now she was planning on riding it. She was going to ride the motorcycle on a muddy road while it was still raining. What the hell was she thinking? Her emotions were of excitement and for the first in the last week, I felt life course through her. I was actually jealous. I wanted that feeling even if it was under dangerous situation. I couldn't bring myself to stop Bella. How cruel would I be to take that life away from her? And an even more selfish part of me liked feeling her lively emotions by proxy.

I lost myself in that thought when a crushing sense of disappointed crashed over me. I ran after Bella. I didn't make it in time but I saw it happen in perfectly clear detail. The front wheel caught itself in a deep pothole, causing her to fly over the handlebars. It might not been half as serious if her head had not collided with a jagged rock that was sticking out of the road. She truly had all the luck. I heard that crack of her skull hitting the rock and the snap as she landed on her arm at a funny angle. I instantly stopped breathing, afraid of the blood that was probably seeping from her head wound. I ran over, relief flooding through me as I heard her heartbeat, although it was not at a healthy speed. I pulled out my phone quickly and punched in Carlisle's phone number.

"Jasper?" He answered.

"Bella's been hurt. I need your help."

"What happened? Where are you?" Although his voice was still relatively calm, I could hear the underlying panic.

"I'll explain later, but it looks like she has a head wound. Hurry. I'm on the second access road off of 101 outside of Forks about 2 miles out."

"I'll be there in five minutes. Make sure you keep Bella conscious."

"I think she is already out," I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Then wake her up," Carlisle snapped before hanging up the phone.

I stared at the phone for a split second, amazed. I had never heard Carlisle be short with anybody before. He was always the most patient in the family. Even Esme could not match his patience.

I shook my head, clearing it to focus on Bella lying on the ground. I felt a sense of guilt wash over me as I looked at Bella's muddy, scraped up form. Alice and Edward would not be happy with me. I knew they would have entrusted the family with the care of what was most precious to them. I had failed them. I had not thought clearly. I would have to fix that, be more careful in the future.

"Bella? Bella? You need to wake up," I spoke urgently, gently trying to shake her awake. There was no response. There were no emotions coming from her which worried me more than the injuries did. I touched her hand, sending jolts of adrenaline through her body. She muttered to herself, trying to move.

"No, don't move. You have been severely injured. Carlisle is on his way to check on you."

"Jasper?" Her voice was raspy. She kept her eyes closed, trying to go back to sleep.

"Bella, stay with me. Concentrate. Tell me something. What were you doing on the motorcycle?"

Bella tried shifting again. I had to press her shoulders down, trying to keep her from moving and causing more injury. "No, no, no. Edward's gone. He's really gone. Let me die."

I didn't know how to respond to that. Didn't she already know that? I hadn't picked up any denial in the last week. I hated to, but I did accept that they were gone and I thought Bella had done the same. I didn't know what to make out of what Bella said. I didn't have to think much more about it as he heard the quick footsteps that were approaching. Carlisle ran up to Bella, followed shortly be Esme who was trying to control her sobbing. I sent a wave of calm to Esme while I still held Bella's hand, trying to keep her awake.

Carlisle bent over Bella, looking at the head wound first, extremely careful not to disturb her body in any way. "It's bleeding badly, but I think it just a superficial wound. However, I do think she has a severe concussion."

"She's fighting my adrenaline I am sending her pretty hard."

"Well, keep at it as best as you can. Let me check out her other wounds before we try to move her."

I tried to push out the worry that was coming from Carlisle and focused all of my strength on keeping Bella in this world. I didn't help ease her pain with my powers. I hoped the pain would keep her aware of her surroundings.

"Bella can you feel this?" Carlisle asked as he pinched her hand.

"Mmm," Bella murmered.

Carlisle looked up at me. "That was a yes."

"Good, I don't think she is paralyzed then. She definitely broke her right arm in at least one place, but that's all I can tell for sure. She might have a bruised rib or two. I think it's safe to move her. Jasper, you drive her in her truck. I'll run ahead to meet you at the hospital. Esme, I want you to go to Charlie and inform him of what happened."

We immediately jumped up, following Carlisle's calm orders. He picked up Bella as gently as possible. I hopped into the cab, thankful that Bella had left the keys in the ignition. Carlisle opened the passenger door and laid Bella gently across the cab, so her head was in my lap and her feet were towards the door. I was thankful she was so short.

"Remember, try to keep her awake. I'll be at the hospital waiting for you. Hurry, my son," Carlisle spoke softly before running off towards town.

I started the truck, it roared to life. Wow, now this is a truck, I couldn't stop myself from thinking while I swung it around so it was facing the opposite direction. I looked in the rearview to see the motorcycle abandoned on the road, right where it had been left. Good riddance.

Bella mumbled something but I couldn't decipher her words. "Shhh," I hushed her, running my hand across the face in my lap. I continued my ministrations of adrenaline, but I also tried to send her some form of relaxation as the truck made its way across the bumpy landscape. This could not be good for her body, but I drove the truck forward, sighing a breath of relief as we made it to the paved road. I turned quickly, pushing the truck as fast as it would let me.

I ignored all traffic laws as I got her to the hospital in record time. Carlisle was quick to come out and check up on her, giving out orders to the team of nurses that were on staff. I jumped out of the truck quickly, probably too fast to be human but luckily nobody was focused one. I watched Bella be pushed off on a stretcher through the automatic doors. Carlisle paused for a brief moment, patting me on the shoulder and saying simply "you did well," before joining the throng of people.

Sirens brought me out of my reverie as I saw Chief Swan's cruiser pull up right behind the truck. He leapt out of the truck and ran towards me. His eyes grew large as he took in my appearance. Alarm shot out in his body. I must look terrible, caked in dirt. "Where's she?"

"They just took her in. My father is looking after her," I reassured him, although it didn't help his frazzled nerves. He didn't even pause to say thank you before running into the hospital, only a few minutes behind Bella.

I thought of his face as he took in my features, and almost wanted to laugh at it. I must have looked like a wild creature. I looked down, taking in my clothes, gasping uncontrollably at what I saw. There on the legs of my trousers was a large pool of blood. It was still damp from where Bella had been laying on my lap. Charlie had not been alarmed because I looked like a crazy person. He was frightened because I was coated in his daughter's blood.

I felt a pull, tugging me out of the depths of darkness. It was an annoying pull. I didn't want to follow. I wanted to go back to the comfort of nothingness. But, the person wouldn't let that happen. A low voice kept calling my name. I recognized that voice.

"Jasper?"

He kept talking, asking me some sort of question. What was going on? Where was I? I tried to move. I felt cold. My body was wet from mud that was soaking through my clothes. That's when I remembered. The motorcycle. The accident. The lack of voice.

Oh God, oh God, oh God. He was truly gone. There was nothing I could do to anchor him in my world somehow. My memories of him would slowly fade and eventually he would slip from my life. He would cease to exist. I could not have that. Now, I really wanted to go back to the black and forget everything that had happened. I didn't want to live my life without there being any form of Edward in it. I decided and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Let me die.

But he wouldn't let that happen. He kept pulling me towards the surface and at one point I caught a glimpse of his dark eyes. His stare was intense and I immediately shut my eyes to avoid the onslaught in his eyes. They were not the eyes I wanted and they just served as a painful reminder of what I had lost, everything.

A/N: Thanks for all of those that have reviewed, favorited, and put this story on alert. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you think.

I'm out of school still until another week, so these chapters are coming out relatively fast. I have a feeling when my grad classes start up again it may slow down some, but I will still try at least to do one chapter a week.