Shakily, I got up from the floor and went upstairs. Everything I said to Sam was true. There was a better girl out there for him.
The next morning, I trudged downstairs. My nightmares were even worse than usual. Not only did they seem so real, but it was like I could feel everything all over again.
"Morning," I grumbled to Charlie on the way to the fridge.
"You okay?" he asked looking at me.
"Fine," I sighed pulling my hair up into a ponytail as I looked for the orange juice.
"All out kiddo," he said pointing to the carton in the trash, which needed to be taken out.
"Great," I muttered shutting the fridge. Charlie shot me a concerned look as I grabbed some water from the tap.
"Bella!" A voice shouted walking into the house while slamming the door shut.
"Bella, are you Loca?" Jake asked me as he popped his head into the kitchen as his body almost went to go find the stairs.
"What?" I asked still waking up from Jake's abrupt entrance.
"You and Sam? He flipped shit last night," Jake said looking at me. Concern went over my facial features. What happened?
"What do you mean?" I asked almost terrified to hear the answer.
"We all phased after we heard his howl. Bella, we can't get him to change back. He is in so much pain; we can't even phase to help him. Its all too much," he told me.
"Too much what?" I asked confused.
"He's feeling too much- sadness, pain, heartbreak. I could see bits and pieces of what happened between you guys in his head but shit Bells, this is bad."
Guilt hit me hard and I knew I was responsible.
"What happened last night?" Charlie asked. "Bells?" he said turning to me.
I sighed and sat on the counter top. "Sam came by last night after I got home. I couldn't sleep and he just happened to be outside." I swallowed hard. "We got to talking, finally reaching the big 'talk' that we had been holding off."
"And?" Charlie asked as I stopped talking.
I closed my eyes. "I told him I couldn't be his imprint- that we couldn't be together. I didn't believe in it enough like he did, and he deserved someone better than me."
"Bella," my dad said in a sad tone.
"I know," I said, knowing this was my fault. "But everything I said was true. Dad, he deserves someone better than me. He needs someone that can chase away his fears like he does with mine. I cant be that girl for him. If I can't even fix myself, how am I supposed to fix him?"
"Bells, he doesn't need fixing," Jake said coming closer to me.
"Yes he does," I told him. "You may not feel it Jake, but I do. He's alpha, he has a lot of responsibilities. And Sam feels like it's all too much sometimes. He's afraid of messing things up or not being a good enough Alpha. He even worries if he's doing the right thing when he commands you guys to do things. He worries all the time, and I cant fix it."
"Bella, just being with the guy fixes it," Charlie told me.
"But its not enough," I argued. "That doesn't make the problems go away, it just subsides them till I am gone."
Both the men were silent.
"Look," Jake said coming to stand in between my legs. "I know you cant see it, but you are a great girl Bells," he said. "You are brave and sweet. You care about others but not people think. You are the queen of second chances and you make smiling contagious."
I blushed. "Sam can see that Bells," Jake whispered. "He can see all of that and more. I see it all of the time when we are on patrol together. I see how much he cares about you and wants to love you. And although I hate to admit it, he's the right guy for you. Not just because he imprinted on you, but because the way you look at him. I catch those little glimpses you give him. And I saw your reaction when he brought Emily to the bon fire. You need to give him a chance," Jake whispered.
I shook my head.
"Bells," my dad said exasperated.
"He needs to find someone else," I said with teary eyes.
"Why?" Jake pushed.
"Because im not right for him." I said.
"Did you just hear me?" Jake questioned. I nodded and closed my eyes, letting the tears fall.
"Just give him a chance," Jake bargained. I shook my head again. "Why not?"
"I just cant," I told him staring at his shirt.
"That's not an answer," he said.
"Yes it is," I replied.
"No it isn't. And you know it," he said.
I clenched my jaw together. "Bella come on, I know that you think this is all bogus, but to us, it's far from that."
"I know," I said.
"Then why do you keep fighting this? The man loves you for god sakes!"
"I know!" I yelled back at Jake. "I love him too," I said softly. He gave me a confused look. "But-"
"I'm afraid!" I cried out admitting my dark fear.
"Bells honey, there is nothing to be afraid of," Charlie said.
"Yes there is. There are so many things," I said looking up. "What if I screw this all up? Or make his fears worse? What if I don't do a good job being an imprint? I'm not meant for this world Jake. Dad, how can you not see that?" I asked turning to them both with teary eyes.
They stayed silent. "My fears are practically eating me up and you want me to help him? You both aren't thinking straight if you think that," I told them, pushing Jake back a bit so I can get down.
"What are you afraid of Bells?" Jake wondered. I looked at my dad and could see a hint of understandment on his eyes.
"I still have nightmares" I admitted, "every night." My breath came out shaky. "So I am not the right person for Sam. Karma just screwed us over, I don't know. But it's just not meant to be."
"Come see him," Jake pleaded catching my wrist before I could get out the kitchen. "Just come look at him and then decide."
"Jake," I sighed.
"Please Bells, just come with me."
Turning to look at Charlie, I found him looking at me with sad eyes. "Okay," I whispered. Jake grabbed the keys to my truck, opening my side door to let me in before going to open his own door. The car ride to La push was silent. My pounding heart was the only thing I could hear as the blood flowed to my head.
As my truck came to a slow, the butterflies in my stomach increased, and I thought I was going to throw up. Jake opened my door, sliding my hand in his.
"Jake?" I asked pulling him back. He looked at me.
"Why is he stuck in wolf form? I mean, why can't he be human again?" I wondered.
Jake walked back over to me. "When you are a wolf, your emotions become a bit more prioritized and it's almost like a switch you can turn on and off. You don't feel as much as when you are human and in more control. With Sam, I think he is just feeling too many things at once, that he cant get it together to phase back. His mind is in overdrive and his wolf is trying to figure it all out."
I nodded. Tugging on my hand, he led us to Sam.
There was a huddle of boys, which I noticed was everyone from the pack. They were all have dressed, looking at Sam with helpless eyes. Before Embry could speak my name in surprise, a voice ran out surprising us all. "Sammy!"
Emily came running up with Quil Sr. behind her. "She came looking for him at my place," he mumbled as everyone, except me, shot him daggers.
"Honey," she cooed coming to him. He let out a growl, lifting his head. Paul pulled her back and she slapped his arm away. "Get the hell off of me!" she yelled. Paul growled, trembling a bit. Stepping up, I put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a look to calm down. He let out a hard breath and I nodded for him to take it somewhere else. He needed to calm down.
As Paul pushed his way through the group, I saw Emily try again.
"Sammy, come on. You need to be human. We have a lot to get done around the house. I found the ring in your drawer," she cooed. Pain stabbed my heart. A ring? He was going to ask her to marry her?
He let out a whimper, feeling exactly what I was feeling. Spinning around, I felt the need to run. Hot hands caught my shoulders. "Jake, I need to get out of here," I told him.
"Come on Bells," he said trying to reason with me. I looked up at him with teary eyes again and tried to take some breaths. Sam needed to phase back and so far, it looked like I was the only one that could help him.
"I do," she whispered, stepping closer to him. "Sammy sweetie, I do." she cheered. He let out another growl, now watching her feet inch closer.
"Stop moving Emily," I told her with my eyes shut.
"Shut up," she snapped back at me. Sam's growls got louder.
Turning back to look at the woman, I shot her a look. "Stop moving before he rips your fucking throat out," I barked. Her eyes narrowed at me and then she looked at Sam. Sam was now on all fours, showing her his sharp teeth, practically daring her to come closer. Slowly, she backed away and huddled into the safety of the pack.
Seeing her not to be a threat anymore, he laid back down, whimpering in pain. Taking that as my queue, I took in a deep breath and hoped to the heavens I could get him back to being human.
"Sam," I breathed, slowing stepping away from the naked chest top men. "Its just me, Bella," I swallowed. He put his paws on top of his head, covering his eyes. It would be a perfect moment to laugh, if it wasn't such a serious moment.
"Hey," I said as I got almost a foot away. He pulled a paw away from his eyes and growled at how close I was.
"You're going to growl at me?" I asked a bit testy. He pulled a face and then laid his head down in submission. "That's what I thought." I told him.
"You have to phase back," I told him as I felt all eyes on me.
He gave a shake of his head telling me 'no' and continued to lie there. I threw my head back, letting gout a long sigh, and then turned to Jake. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.
He gave me a pointed look like 'come on!' so I rolled my eyes at him and continued. I looked at him, hoping something would pop in my head so I could talk to him, but nothing did. All I could think of were everyone's stares.
"I cant," I said aloud as I got up. Sam let out a painful whimper, pulling his head up to watch me.
"Bella!" Jake scolded as I walked back to them.
"No," I said looking at his chest. I let out a nervous breath, "you guys need to leave if I do this. I can't have you guys just stare at me like this. Its nerve wracking. I can't focus and as it is, I can barely breath. So you all need to leave. Now." I commanded. Jake gave me a small smile.
"I thought you were coming over here to back away from your word." He smirked.
I rolled my eyes a bit. "No, I didn't. So go," I said giving him a small shove. He nodded and gave me a kiss to the head. "We'll all be at my house."
"'Kay," I sighed. Watching everyone leave, I saw Embry give me a look of 'good luck' and then was off. Quil and Seth pulled along the protesting Emily, while Quil Sr. looked guilty following behind them. When everyone left, I turned back around and faced the black wolf.
"So, im not sure how this is supposed to go," I told him as I went to sit back down next to him. "Jake thinks I can get you back to being human, but I don't really believe him. I guess im kind of stubborn like that," I said with a small smile. He looked up at me. I sat there trying to think of something else to say, but I didn't know what I should bring up.
"I love you, you know that right?" I whispered. His ears perked up a bit and he took his head off the grass. I let out a shaky breath. "At least i think I do." He laid his head on my lap and I brought my hand to stroke his fur. I could feel some tension leave his body.
"What I said last night- I- I was telling the truth Sam." He stiffened and started to pull away but I wouldn't let him. "You deserve a better girl. I even told Jake and my dad this morning when Jake came barging in my house to yell at me," I laughed a bit at the memory and Sam hit me with his nuzzle, almost silently asking if I was hurt. "I'm okay," I smiled at him. I took a few seconds to gather my words, "they made me realize I was afraid too."
He looked up at me, tilting his head in confusion.
"I think that you need to phase back so we can talk about it," I bargained. He laid his head back down on my lap. "Come on Sam. What happened to the guy that always wanted to talk to me face to face? Where is he?"
Sam repositioned his head on my lap to get comfortable and I huffed, stroking his fur. "I know it's hard, dealing with all of the emotions but you have to try. I want my human Sam back. I need to hear some responses out of him."
The wolf whined. "Sam, please. I need you," I whispered. Sam immediately looked up to me, searching my eyes as he tilted his head.
"You're going to marry her," I said with some tears starting to pool in my eyes. The thought was ripping my insides out. He let out a loud whimper. Slowly, he withdrew his head and got up. His face brushed against the side of mine and he softly licked away my falling tears. "Please phase back," I whispered, hoping the need to take care of his imprint would trump his wish to stay a wolf. Taking the pair of shorts laying out on the ground for him in his mouth, he walked to the woods. With a bit of rustling, he came out human looking worn.
"I'm not going to marry her," he told me, coming to hug me. I nodded, snuggling my face into his chest. He held me tightly; one arm around my waist while his other hand was cupping the back of my head sniffing my hair.
"I bought it months ago before you came here. I thought I should buy it just incase the time was ever right. She must have found it Bella. I meant to return it, I just haven't had time." He said pleading for me to understand.
I nodded, hugging him tightly to me. I didn't care how wrong it was right now. I would deal with the consequences later. All I needed was him. He hugged me tight, hanging onto me like I was the last person on earth.
"I love you," he whispered kissing my head.
"I think I love you too," I told him. He pulled back a bit and I looked up at him, smiling just the slightest.
"You think?" he asked with amusement in his voice.
I shrugged, waiting for his next move. "Well, lets see if we can do anything about that," he said, lowing his head, letting his lips descend on mine.
Our kiss was feverous. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other, pulling and tugging at each other's lips. He took my bottom lip, licking it slowly before capturing my mouth again. I cupped the back of his neck, trying to get him closer to me as he yanked at my waist, trying to press more of my body against his. Our lips stayed together, kissing each other in such sync it was mind blowing. When I needed to breathe, I pulled away slightly, letting my lungs refill themselves with oxygen.
My head was spinning a mile a minute. What did I just do? What was going to happen? His forehead touched my mind and it calmed the voices.
He, too, was panting. His hands stayed settled on my hips, while he waited for my eyes to open. When they did, he let out a sweet laugh, just staring at me. I blushed at how attentive he was.
Somehow, out of all of this mess, we ended up sitting on the grass in each other's arms, talking about everything. The kiss had both of us a bit hazy, but we worked through it nonetheless.
"I want to be with you," he told me, staring at the side of my face. I smiled, looking down at our entwined hands. They seemed perfect.
"Bella," he said trying to scootch even closer to me than humanly possible. His chest was already pressed against my back while his arm was wrapped around my waist. "I have never wanted anything more than now. I don't want to be away from you," he told me.
I opened my mouth to respond but nothing came out. Reading my face, he waited me to say something. I could tell he was getting nervous, but I just couldn't find words.
My eyebrows furrowed and I thought real hard about what to say. "I'm scared to be with you," I admitted.
He looked at me hurt a bit but I could tell he wanted an explanation. I told him about everything- my fears of staying in Forks, of turning out like my mother, and of starting a relationship with him. I didn't want to mess things up, and I didn't want to get so involved with someone, and then later regret it when they broke my heart. I was scared of committing to someone, especially an alpha to a werewolf pack. I wasn't sure if I could ever comfort Sam like he could comfort me. I didn't feel like a good enough person to be with him.
His response was simple, calming all of my fears. He told me he loved me, with or without an imprint. I was strong and a damn good person, not only by risking my life today for him, but also by the way helped him phase back and I took care of Paul.
"You need to give more credit to yourself," he told me.
I nodded, still feeling a bit skeptical. Sensing it, he squeezed me in his arms and kissed my cheek.
"The guys are probably worried," I told him as he nuzzled the side of his face against mine. He hummed in agreement and I smiled. It wasn't like he was getting up or anything.
I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of him. The way his arm tugged at my waist, pulling me to him, making sure I was safe and secure. His hand, which he kept intertwined with mine, giving it little squeezes every so often. And his lips. They would give me kisses every so often. Sometimes on my lips, other times my cheek, jaw and neck. It was all so comforting. Savoring the feeling a little longer, I finally gathered enough strength to stop being so selfish and help him up.
Guiding him to my car, I gave him a weak smile. "You know this is the calming before the storm right?"
He pulled me back to him, so we were barely an inch apart. "It will all be okay," he whispered. I nodded, trying my hardest to hide the skepticism I felt.
He closed the gap between us, bringing his hand up to cup my jaw, running his thumb over my cheek, as he kissed me. Our lips danced together, parting as his tongue slipped in my mouth. He pulled back, nipping at my top lip and then taking the bottom in his mouth.
"We will be okay," he told me as he pulled us back. My eyes opened, clearing my head of the fog. This time, I nodded feeling like he was right. There was no doubt in my head (which could have just been from the amazing kiss he just laid on me) and I felt like everything was going to turn out all right.
We pulled up to the Black's, both stepping out of the car. Slipping my hand in his, we walked inside.
"Sam!" Jared called with surprise. Everyone turned and looked at Sam and I.
"Sammy!" Emily called running and jumping into his arms. Sam let go of my hand to catch her, showing his own surprised face.
"You did it," Jake breathed coming to hug me. I grinned a little. That I did. Paul came over to thank me, while Emily kept talking about her and Sam getting married.
"Em, I didn't ask you." He said.
"I know you didn't, you can ask me later. Don't worry, I will still act surprised even though I know what the ring looks like," she told him with a smile.
"No I mean, I'm not going to ask you. I don't want to get married to you." He said gently. Her eyes turned into slits and she jumped down from his arms. His free hand immediately seeked mine and I bit my lip, unsure if that was the best idea. Maybe what I wanted wasn't the right thing to do.
"What? Its Bella?" Emily screeched as she saw Sam's hand looking for mine. My head snapped over to the person who called my name. "Bella Swan? That's who you want to be with instead of me?"
"Emily, calm down," Sam called.
"Calm down?" She yelled to him. Emily glared daggers at me. Cowering back, Jake stepped in front of me to protect me. Emily truly looked scary.
"You man stealing whore! Why did you come here? Nobody wants you here! Nobody even likes you. They all feel bad for you! Stop kidding yourself. You don't belong here! Your mother didn't either. Why do you think she left? She saw the signs. Maybe you should too," she spat.
Her words hit every fear and soft spot I had. She knew how to be mean when she wanted to.
"Emily stop," Sam commanded feeling my heartbreak.
"I am not one of your mangy mutts Sam!" she yelled. "You don't get to command me like some little puppy dog!"
All of the guys growled. Sam looked too stunned to say anything.
"You come in and screw up everyone's life. What gives you the right?" she questioned with an edge in her tone.
"I-I," trembling, I didn't know what to say.
"I could have been happy," she said with tears in her eyes. "I could have had my happily ever after, but you ruined it. You."
My heart clenched with guilt.
"How could you be so pathetic?" She asked become mad again. "Stealing another person's boyfriend? Do you not have a conscious when sinking so low?"
Jake growled as he felt me trembling.
"Enough Emily," Paul said shaking.
"Shut up. All of you just shut up. This is between Bella and I. Take your loyalty and shove it," she barked. Turning back to me, her eyes sizzled.
"You're just like your mother Swan! I stared at you and thought for a second that maybe you were different. That I was being overdramatic when I saw you and Sam together out on your back porch. But god, how foolish was I. You probably just finished fucking him before I came to see if he was okay."
"No I-"
"Your mother disappears off the face of the earth, dropping out of your life, and you suddenly come here. Doesn't that seem a bit…odd? What did she do? Kick you out? Did you steal her man too? I bet she hated you. Nobody dares ask the question to what happened Bella, so I will! Where did she go? Where did your mom run off to? Did she try and get away from you? Did she pack up her things and leave? Or did she kill herself? Because that's what I would do if I had you as a daughter."
I sucked in a breath and looked at Sam with fear in my eyes.
"She did didn't she?" Emily said looking between us. "She killed herself? God, that is perfect. Her only escape from her daughter was death. Wow."
I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to run. I had to get away.
"Get out of my house right now!" Billy yelled coming through the back door.
"Emily Young, get the hell out of my house right now. Don't you ever come back. You show your face near or around me or the boys and you will regret it." He growled. She looked at him wide eyed. Finding she was overpowered, she turned on heel and walked out.
My head zoomed over what happened. All of her words played over and over in my head. Tears pooled in my eyes and a hand was on my shoulder.
"Bella," Billy said softly.
Not even glancing at him, I ran out the back door and jumped down their back steps. Letting my feet take me wherever they pleased, I ran into the forest, sobbing my eyes out. Running and running, I found myself crossing the La Push border going to the Cullen's.
My name was being called somewhere but I didn't care, I needed to get away. Ignoring their calls I continue to run passing the border. When I got to their house I immediately knocked on the door.
"Bella? What are you doing here?" Esme said. Seeing I was upset she quickly rushed into the house trying to comfort me. "It's okay sweetie, you're okay," she repeated. Continuing to sob in her arms, she waited patiently until I calm down. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Leading us to the couch, she sat us both down. There, I explained to her what had happened. She comforted me as best as she could, telling me I could stay here as long as I needed.
"Where is everyone?" I asked finally. She gave me a warm smile. "They went out hunting. They should be back up later tonight."
"So you're all alone?"
"Alice and Rose are still here, they just went to see a movie."
"Oh," I said feeling as if I was intruding. "I should really go."
"No Bella, nonsense," she told me. "You are always welcome here."
I gave her a small smile. Telling her thank you, she led me upstairs to the drum sets and piano.
"Play your heart out," she smiled. "I'll get you some paper."
My heart warmed at her hospitality. She really was like the mother I never had. After bringing back the paper she left me alone in the living room, letting me do my thing. For that, I was also very grateful. She knew when to give me space and when not to. Settling at the piano, I began to run my hand over the keys. Note by note I started creating another song.