Chapter Ten: Trauma Loves Company

It's been there the whole time. The desire to intervene and meddle. It's just that she's taught herself to ignore those instincts more often than not. To lead of life of inaction comes with less personal consequences. Less people shout. Less people get aggressive. Less misunderstanding to clear up. Less bonds broken before they even have a chance to form. The few times meddling ends with positive results is intoxicating only to have the next several incidences colossally collapse to try and put her back in her place.

Even applying to U.A. is a form of inaction. An excuse to postpone action under the guise of development. There's other ways to get involved. Her sister does it. Her uncle does it. Her Dad used to do it. One's younger than her. One's a laborer. The last was a high school drop out and only went to night classes to graduate years after she was born. What's her excuse?

It never truly go away. The desire to connect. The desire to be helpful. The desire to be needed. The desire to be at the pinnacle of change. It lingers about waiting to pounce at the next opportunity.

This can't be normal. That sounds like the pinnacle of ego-selfishness. Maybe it's childish ideals but then why does it stay even as she grows. She needs help. Why doesn't this ever change?

Walk a straight line. Don't step out of place. Follow the narrow path. That's the way to fit in. That's the way to belong. Act a certain way and people won't like you. Will reject you. Life is determined by following the rule, written or otherwise. So then why? Why is her world so small?

Yuko was elated that the girls from class invited her to class. She would even say it went well. Does she deserve that after screwing up with Todoroki? What if she says or does the wrong thing and they cast her away too? Plus, they've all made other connections already.

Her mind mulls over her actions all weekend. Even Shinsou didn't show up to train on Friday despite her open invitation. There's no requirement to do so, but she had hoped she made progress. After all, people seem to hold personal circumstances close to themselves so she interpreted the day she offered taiyaki as a step towards connection. She doesn't understand it herself. Offering information about her likes and dislikes seem much more intimidating then a bunch of circumstances out of one's control. Things about oneself rather than things that happen to oneself.

On Monday, she can't read Todoroki as usual. Is he still angry? Disassociated? He's normally reserved, so this might be him back to normal. But then why does she think the air is tense.

Is it wrong to bonded kinship over the confirmation in spite of everything? It's hard to know what others go through, and to have at least an adjacent experience swells her heart anyway. He has all right to never want to speak about the issue or to her again.

So she's surprised when Todoroki asks to speak with her. She has the training room booked, but listening to what Todoroki has to say is more important. Even if it is to chew her out. It's not like anyone is waiting for her anyway.

The class leaves one by one until they are the only two left. He continues to sit in his seat so she mimics him and stays in hers. Silence fills the space. Is she meant to say something? Does he want another apology for prying? But Todoroki's the one who asked to speak so she waits for him to start whatever conversation he wants to have.

"You know about quirk marriages, right?"

She does but doesn't understand what that has to do with anything. She doesn't like the practice and has plenty of criticisms. The idea of partnering up in an attempt to genetically influence your child is horrid even if both parties consent. People can claim it's for their child's well-being all they want. It's almost always for the parents. She used to think all quirk marriages were awful, but there is a subset of people who argue online that considering a partner's quirk should be considered when having kids. Some who have had a kid of their own where problems could have been avoided, and others claiming it's for the well-being of the child but everything else they post about is pretty ick.

"My old man will do anything to advance his position." His dad? She doesn't make it a habit to ask about other people's family dynamics or jobs. It's one thing if people take pride in what they do or want to talk about their family, but asking about it is odd to her. If she's talking to someone she's talking to them. Their family is irrelevant. "He made a name for himself during his hero career firing on all cylinders." A hero? That makes some sense. Todoroki is competent and fluid during battle simulations like he's had a lot of practice, but in a finesse way.

"He knew he could never beat All Might with his own power so he devised a plan. As a man of means and merit, he easily integrated himself to my mother's family for her quirk." Yuko doesn't like where this story is implying. She continues to let Todoroki speak uninterrupted.

"He wanted to raise a hero to rise above All Might. Fuck him." Her eyes widen. She knows he's direct and pointed from what few times he speaks, but she's never heard him swear. "I'll never be that piece of shit's tool. In my memories, my mom is always crying. She told me that my left side is ugly and she dumped boiling water on me."

That causes her head to whip to look at Todoroki for the first time since the start of his tale. The story keeps adding one nightmare to the next. What's wrong with his family? "She broke and went away."

By go away, does he mean that it's his mom that was, potentially still is, in the facility?

Todoroki doesn't say anything else, seemingly having said everything he wanted to. Is he not mad at her? Or is he upset but hates the situation a lot more than he hates her for finding out. But he's being forward about everything.

"That sucks." What else can she say? She had happy childhood memories even if things weren't always easy and eventually took a turn for the worst. Did Todoroki even get a childhood? Does he have any happy memories? This shifts her perspective on everything she knew about him up until this point. Which isn't a lot, but still shatters her point of view. Does he even want to spend so much time alone? Does he know how to interact with others?

She might be projecting.

"Whichever hero your dad is, he sounds like a shit father." Another reminder that Hero is a profession and not a judge of character.

"You don't know?"

"Know what?"

"My dad."

"…why would I know that?"

She hears him lightly chuckle for the first time. It sounds twisted and not fully humourous. His lips twitch upward. "Serves him right." He doesn't elaborate which Hero his father is and she doesn't push the subject. If he wants her to know he would say it. He's open his private life to everything else.

"What about you?"

"Me?"

He nods.

Yuko doesn't want to feel like she's bragging, but whenever she talks about it she's compelled to highlight that there were happy moments too. She doesn't want others to think life was only a tragedy. As chaotic as things came to be, she doesn't want others to only know of her parents through their strife. "Things weren't always easy but we were happy. Or I thought we were happy. My mom tried to kill herself a few times. In and out of the hospital.

"I don't really know why for sure. At first it was in and out of the hospital before she was admitted for long-term. I was scared when I first learnt. Not just for my mom but my dad too. He always talked about how he would die first so when the first attempt, or the first attempt I know of, happened I was scared for both of them. My mom who wanted to end her life and my dad who was now also mentally unstable for everything going on.

"They started fighting. It seemed like they couldn't have a conversation without it derailing. I don't know all the details but I felt like I needed to give her some normalcy, so I tried not to bring it up with her. Tried to get what smiles and laughter I could out of her. She spent all her energy on other people that whenever I did see her, she was out of it. I tried to listen to my dad because he clearly needed an outlet. I heard things I shouldn't have and with time I felt like a punching bag. Someone to talk at and pass off his anger, but no longer his daughter nor a person. Yet I was so scared what would happen if I didn't keep listening." Yuko feels her short fingernails dig into her skin.

"You know, my mom even tried to kill herself next to me once. Had a bowl with pills littered through her food. She consumed it right next to me." She feels as her breath quicken. Her mom's slurred speech. Her attempt to keep her awake. Her dad's tiredness as she had to be the one to ask for him to call the emergency line when she couldn't lift the deadweight of her mom. She had been twelve. She also couldn't forget that he had almost walked out multiple times because of the stress. Not that she couldn't understand collapsing under it, but it reinforced that she didn't matter in his mind. That any moment she could be abandoned.

"I was so happy when she appeared better. It felt like I had my mom back even if sometimes she was a little manic, yet I was blind. Was it a front? Was she happy for what was to come? She finally got her wish." Yuko remembers feeling off when she learnt her mom had gone out. She should have called the police. Maybe they could have stopped it, even if it only let her have a few more days. She should have seen the signs. Manic shopping had been a thing, but since her shopping habits changed to food and household items Yuko didn't realize at the time her mom had been stocking up for them. It pissed her off. Even more, her mom's last message was a heart. A single red heart emoji. One sent to her, Eiko, and Dad. Yuko was the only one to respond right away. She even got a reply, but even then she chose to kill herself.

It's not fair.

The aftermath was just as confusing. Happy she no longer suffered. Angry that she killed herself. Relieved that it was over. Hoped that somehow she would still walk through the door. Confused and sad and angry that despite knowing that her mom loved her, one of the few things she cared for, it wasn't enough. Angry at those who wanted to speak ill of her or the way she died. Protective of her memory. Grief that she's reminded of her every time she looks in the mirror and that she'd be teetering alive in her dreams making her relieve the stress and tragedy again and again. Upset that she had to be the one in charge of the funeral and paperwork while everyone else got to mourn.

"My sister and I became my dad's caretakers. Making sure he ate. Listened when he needed to talk. His boss tried to get him to come back to work early when he was clearly losing his mind. Then one day he changed like a flick of a switch. Happy. Giddy. His values and outlooks started to changed. He found entirely new hobbies. Everything suddenly started to become about him." He would stay out longer and more often until he only came home to sleep. Then the days he slept home decreased until he became a visitor in that home. "A lot of days it's like I don't know him, and we fight all the time now. Our personalities would sometime clash from our similarities before, but now it's hard to be in the same room without starting a new argument or backtrack on past grievances."

It was better that they lived apart. Some part of her still wants that closeness with her dad. Is it because the changes were too sudden? Is she clinging to past memories? Is she the one that didn't want change? Is it because there were so few people she's close to and now her small world feels even smaller? She doesn't know. All she knows is the lingering hope that things can work themselves out between them. She knows he feels the same too to some extent. To what degree she can't be sure, but it was hard to reminisce with someone who experiences trauma-induced memory loss and forgets so many of the good times to protect himself from the bad times.

"To top things off I have to wonder if I'm going to end up just like them. It's in my DNA. I've gotten both traits I love and hate from them, and I'm scared the bad traits will overtake me and I'll become someone I dislike." Or dead. "All I can do is push on and try to be the person I want to be. Whether that's accepting those traits and predispositions or foregoing them to make something else of myself." People can't escape genetics, but just because the potential exists doesn't mean it's guaranteed to happen. Everyone is capable of murder, but everyone isn't running around killing people. It might be harder, and against her instincts, but she's wants to do more with her life.

Todoroki remembered words spoken to him long ago: "You're not bound by his blood. Decide who you want to become, and be all you can be."

When was the last time he had spoken to her? His life has been a blur of academics and training. So much time spent in his room and training area. Almost a decade of his life has passed since his training started. He's become strong, strong enough to prove it to his father at the upcoming sports festival and beyond, what else does he have to show for it? Most of his memories contain the person his fury is directed at. How is that a win?

"You're late."

Yuko is emotionally drained from her heart-to-heart with Todoroki, but she still wants to make use of the facilities. It will be nice to be active to combat her emotional state.

She didn't expect Shinsou to be waiting.

"You came."

"Don't sound so surprised." He leans against the exterior of the building with his arms crossed. "You offered."

Yuko scans her student card unlocking the door.

"Do you need me to do anything or do you want to train on your own?"

"…Alone."

She deflates a bit. The rooms are probably all booked. He's here to have a space not because of her.

Yuko nods respecting his decision. She begins training on her own. She imagines a black square thin as paper. Details are her enemy so she's been playing around with more basic structures. She thinks of the edge soft before lightly rubbing her finger across it. So smooth. She imagines the edges sharp and with a slight touch it breaks skin like paper. She alters the edges to be rough and it feels brittle against her skin though the edge itself still looks as smooth as she first created it.

She moves on to light warm up exercises when she peaks over to Shinsou.

He's going to break his thumb that way! And that punch wouldn't hurt everyone.

Fighting isn't an expertise of hers but she knows the basics from joining a school club one year. She filtered through several sports. "Are you sure you don't want help?"

Shinsou grimaces and his shoulders hunch forward. "…that bad?" The words sound strained as if it hurts to say it.

Yuko approaches. "I don't have the finesse, but I do know basic forms." She curls her fingers into a fist. "Don't tuck in your thumb unless you want to break it. Tuck it under your fingers like this." She shows him so he can copy. "Also, you don't have a lot of momentum. You can use your elbow to help add extra force, but if you can use your hips to use your torso it would be even better. You also need to follow though. Have you ever tried archery?"

"Nothing really. I was going make a comparison. When people pull the arrow back, a lot of beginners release too early because they feel the bowstring's tension. You actually need to pull it further back despite the tension. When attacking, you don't want to stop when you make contact with a person. Here." Yuko puts her left arm out at a ninety-degree angle. "If this is where you hit them you want to keep punching as if you're really aiming here." She makes a fist and puts it further away than her left arm. "You won't really end up hitting there but it sends enough force to actually impact the person you're hitting."

Shinsou copies which makes his next attempt much smoother. If people could get the form down then the rest was experience, practice, and strength. She preferrs kicks for this reason. She had stronger leg muscles.

"And bend your knee if you want to kick." She brings up a knee up to her chest before kicking her calf up to her head. "It's easier to gain height, but more importantly the force is a lot stronger which also means you're less likely to hurt your foot when it makes impact. Same with side and back kicks."

"I'm just going to use this to beat you. I still plan on winning."

Yuko grins happy they can at least co-exist in a competitive zone. "You can try, though, you'll want to practice a lot more so you get used to the movement. Last thing you need is to think about is your form as you use it in a real scenario." She remembers tripping over her steps and forms when first starting out, but was happy to have the other students be patient with her and she worked it out herself.

Yuko offers her hands as targets to practice on. It benefits her too. It gives a sense of where people aim and getting reacquainted at being in close quarters during a fight even if they aren't fighting.

"So, what's your quirk anyway? You know mine. It's only fair." He kicks up, missing her hand by a few centimeters.

"Imagine."

"Just tell me."

"No, I mean my quirk. It's called imagine." Shinsou looks at her with a 'what is this bullshit' face. It's not the first time someone has given her the look. "I can enforce my will on the world and 'imagine' things into it as long it doesn't directly change anything pre-existing. It vanishes the moment I stop thinking about it though. Of it it's unclear enough."

"You probably had it easy during the exam."

Is he judging her? She wants to say look forward. There's an opportunity quite literally approaching, but she probably doesn't have that right considering she was just reminiscing with Todoroki. Some things don't heal so quickly. Instead she offers, "Are you giving up on the sports festival already?"

"You wish. Maybe I'll even take your spot."

Is it just her or does that not sound as passive aggressive as his other statements? "You can try, but you might want to worry about your own strength first."

"Tsk."