Okay this one is inspired by "Going Under" by Evanescence. I am a MAJOR Evanescence fan and I soon as I heard this suggestion I freaked the hell out! xDDD This one goes out to Mu5icWolf157, THANK YOU for making my day by suggesting this song! xDDD
Oh yeah this time I'm going to make it Cat's POV since I've been using Jade's a lot… Yerp :P
Disclaimer: … Do I even need to say it?
"Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me, (going under)…"
Can true love seriously conquer all? I doubt it. Laying here in my bed, it feels like my whole world has come crashing down around me. I just can't help myself; I can't help myself for falling for the most beautiful girl in the world… And I hate myself for it.
If you ever see her, you'll definitely know why I've fallen head over heels for this girl. Everyone only sees the darkness that surrounds her; protecting her. No on (not even Beck) has even tried to get past that wall that she shrouds herself in. It's true, her tongue is like a razor blade; if you're not careful, you'll get cut with it. But I've learned my way around it. True, there are times where I'll get little cuts. But it's all worth it, because I've braved my way past the wall of darkness to find the most beautiful thing I've ever seen; her heart.
She's like a rose almost. She's surrounded in thorns, always keeping that barrier there between her and the outside world. Those thorns are her armor; the things that have people stare at her in awe but never dare to touch. But once someone cares enough to gently push past the thorns; you'll actually see how fragile she is; so be the rose. One touch and she could shatter like glass. That's why you must handle her carefully, to make sure she doesn't break under your touch.
And her name is Jade West.
"Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom
I'm dying again…"
I sat with the gang at our regular lunch table, dragging my gaze to each face at the table. Tori and Trina sat next to each other talking about last night's homework. Andre sat next to Robbie, looking clearly amused as he bickered with his puppet, Rex. My eyes dragged over to the last two faces and my heart thumped painfully in my chest. Beck had his arm slung over Jade's shoulder, nibbling on her ear playfully. Jade glanced at him and bared her teeth at him in a warning, before he nodded quickly and released her ear. Jade smiled and then glanced over at me, at which point I looked down at my food with distaste. I flung it around with my fork carelessly, dully acknowledging a voice that seemed so distant. "…Cat? Cat?" My eyes flew up to see Jade staring at me with concern. "Cat? Are you okay?" she asked, leaning into Beck's arms, giving him a quick kiss. It took everything I had to muster a bright, "I'm fine, silly!" and get up and quickly walk away.
I sped down the hallways to an old janitor's closet, slamming the door behind me. It was only about 4 feet wide; I could barely stretch my arms out fully in front of me. Piles upon piles of dead bugs heaped themselves into the dark corners. A fine layer of dust and grime covered everything, but I vaguely seemed to notice. As soon as I slammed the door behind me I pressed my back against it, sliding down against it. I let out a quiet sob, my body beginning to tremble. I can't help how I feel about Jade; I've tried so hard to stop loving her. My body was curled up into a ball by now, hugging my knees to my chest and not even bothering to stop the sobs that wracked my whole body. I hated watching Beck kiss Jade, hold her close, and tell her he loved her. I couldn't help but feel angry, like I should be the one with Jade. Gritting my teeth, I tried to stop myself from crying, but it didn't work. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
"I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under…"
"N-No, daddy! Please!" I wailed as my father's fist connected with my stomach. I felt the breath being knocked out of me as I fell to the living room floor. My father simply gave a short, snarling laugh as he bent over me. I could feel his breath hot on the back of my head; booze oozed from it and I tried to keep myself from gagging. "You l-lil piiieeecce a'shit!" he slurred, heaving himself into an erect standing position and connecting his booted foot to my face. I screamed, holding my nose against the blood that itched to ooze out. My father- no that drunken douchebag who looks like my father- rambled something about how it was 'all my fault' and grabbing me by my hair, yanking me to my feet. I yelped. "D-Daddy, no!" I whimpered as he slammed my face against the wall. Breathing heavily, he released my hair and I slumped to the ground. After blinking a few times, he turned around and stumbled into his room.
Tears streamed down my face as I shakily got to my feet and slowly walked into the kitchen to clean myself up. Jade would never let this happen to me. I thought sadly as I washed away the blood that gushed from my nose. If she knew what my daddy was doing, she'd slap the booze right out of him! Then she's hold me and kiss me and tell me everything would be okay. But no. Beck had to get in the way. He just had to come in and steal Jade away. The very thought of them together sent anger shooting up my spine. Teeth bared, I suddenly turned to my kitchen drawer and rummaged through it. Hesitating for a moment, I slowly picked up a large butcher knife. I admired its glimmering against the ceiling lights for a moment. I felt rage and lust creep through my heart, placing it to my wrist.
No one cares. Those were my first thoughts as I dragged the blade against my wrist. I whimpered, feeling pain sting at the new cut. Eyes narrowed, I sliced the blade against my wrist again. This time, it didn't hurt so badly. It felt… amazing. Like this was my escape from my hell of a life. Your mom didn't care. Your dad doesn't care. Jade doesn't care. At the raven-haired beauty's name, all the anger died down and was replaced with agony. I fell to the ground, not even bothering to clean up the blood that dripped onto the floor. I simply watched it fall. It's not like Jade would care. I thought, running my fingers across the cuts. Jade…
"Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again…"
For months after that incident, cutting became my safe haven. It was something that always let me know that there was a way out, so that I could balance myself out. I never told anyone; especially not Jade. If she knew, my whole world would come down on top of me.
One day, I was walking by the janitor's closet when I heard a muffled moan come from the other side of the door. Pausing, I listened for a moment.
"…Beck!" That sounded like… My heart sank like a stone. Fear clutched me as the door opened and Jade and Beck stepped out of the closet. "Cat?" Jade said, her voice wary. "Were you eavesdropping on us?"
"N-No!" I said, my back turned to them so they wouldn't see my tears. "I was ju-just going to the bathroom." Without waiting for an answer, I quickly walked to the bathroom. As soon as I heard the stall lock click, I let out an angry, lovesick cry. I fumbled through my bag, pulling out a razorblade (I always keep one with me just in case…) and, whimpering, put it to my wrist. "For you, Jade!" I screamed, throwing my head back.
"I'm going under, drowning in you,
I'm falling forever, I've got to break through
I'm…"
I feel so numb. Everything is numb when she's not by my side. Laying here, in my bed, I traced the new cuts with my delicate fingertips. I winced but stroked them again. It hurts. Everything hurts. Nothing felt right without Jade by my side. Jade; the only one who protected me from the bullies at school. Jade; the one who I trusted with my secrets, including the one that I was bi. Jade; the one who held me close and whispered sweet nothings into my hair to soothe me at night. Jade…
"So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Going under, I'm going under…"
I heard the front door being banged at roughly. Groaning slightly, I rolled onto my feet and slowly walked towards the door. My cuts were showing; they were in plain sight. But I really didn't care anymore. I carelessly opened the door, and gasped in shock. Jade stood in front of me, her eyebrows knitted in concern. My eyes traced the beautiful curves of her body for a moment, before I snapped back up to her face. "J-Jade…? Wha-What are you doing here?" I asked, putting my bad arm behind my back. "Well, you weren't in school today, so I came to see if you were alright. Plus, we still need to talk about what happened yesterday." She said. I winced, remembering the janitor's incident. "C-Come in." I said quietly, moving out of the way so Jade could step inside. I closed the door quietly behind me and lead her upstairs into my room.
As we entered my bedroom, I heard Jade snarl quietly in disgust beside me. I knew Jade hated this room; covered in pink, stuffed toys, and childish knick-knacks. But she took a breath and walked over to my bed, sitting down. I bit my lower lip as I followed, sitting down beside her, fiddling with a strand of my hair. Jade took a deep breath and began. "Cat, I know that you weren't just 'passing by'," she put air quotes around the words, "when Beck and I were in the closet. I wanna know what you were doing there."
"Well, the part about me passing by was true." I said feebly, looking down. "But I heard something there so I just wanted to know what it was. And then you came out of the closet-"
"Cat, you shouldn't have stood there and listened." She said firmly. A moment of silence passed before she spoke up again, this time much more softly and gently. "Cat… why were you so upset when you realized it was me and Beck in there?" I felt my heart sink at the question and I averted my eyes from her. "I dunno…" I mumbled. "Cat, I think you do know." Jade said quietly, grabbing my hands and pulling me close. "Please tell me." I felt my breath catch in my throat as I was pulled gently closer, Jade resting my head in the crook of her neck. I took a deep breath. "Jade… do you ever get the feeling around someone, like every time you're with the, it's gets hard to breathe? And, like, everything feels alright when they're by your side…? " Her breath was growing rapid and I felt her heart race. She held me closer and whispered, "Yeah, keep going."
"And when they smile, it feels like the room gets a little brighter? And when they're upset or lonely, you just want to hold them close and tell them it'll all be okay?" Jade's heart seemed like it was ready to burst out of her chest. "Yes." She whispered. I looked into her eyes. "Well, that's how I feel when I'm around you. I really like you, Jade. You make me happy. And when I heard you and Beck in the closet, I…" I tilted her head down and showed her the cuts that traced my wrist. I heard her gasp as she gazed down. She traced them delicately with her fingertips and I felt something hot and wet drip onto my arm. Jade's tears.
"Cat, I had no idea… that I was putting you through all of this." She said breathlessly, looking back up at me hopelessly. Her eyes shined with the tears that ran down her face. I ran a thumb over her cheek and whispered, "I don't wanna go under again, Jade."
"You won't Cat, I promise." She said, leaning in. Our lips met gingerly, yet it stole my breath away. My eyes fluttered closed as I wrapped my hands around the back over her neck. Her hands made their way to my waist and she pulled me impossibly closer. And in that moment, with Jade's lips on mine, I felt like our souls were being lifted from our bodies and we rose to the skies. After a few minutes we broke apart, and Jade did that smile that was so bright it made the sun seem dull. I felt my heart pounding in my chest and I smiled back, nuzzling her. She buried her face in my hair and whispered, "I won't let you go under."
Sorry it took so long, I've been insanely busy. Once again, THANK YOU for suggesting this song, major Evanescence lover here. So tell me what you think, and I hope you like it Wolf!