Chapter 5: Part of Something That You Lost

Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city's still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost

And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be

The Difference- Matchbox 20

I felt highly satisfied with myself after I settled into my seat on the subway; it would be a few moments before the train would be jettisoned through the underground. I shifted my belonging so that my book bag was on my lap and started looking for the book of poetry I was supposed to have read by next class.

Then my phone was vibrating in my purse and I still hadn't found the poetry book, so I decided I wouldn't bother with answering it. If it was my mother I would be home in 20 minutes and she could always call back if it was something desperate.

"You should get probably that…" A voice from the a few people away from to told me. I turned to glare; it was none of his business. My phone was on the lowest ring setting and was not disturbing anyone.

Instead of a nosy utter stranger, it was Ezra and he had his phone to his ear.

The automated message warned passages that the doors were closing and then the train was in motion. I was still just gaping at him. Then I pulled it together.

"It's probably not important." I told him, then turning my attention back to my search for my book.

A moment later he was holding the rail nearest my seat.

"You played me!" He told me, he had put his phone away. I finally had my poetry book in hand and looked up at him, big mistake; the intensity from the coffee shop was back and then some.

"What?" I asked the exasperation masking the confusion and if I'm truly honest for once, my hearts delight that he was here, that he had followed after me.

"You sicced your friend on me Aria." He said dryly with his own look exasperation.

"Um, well no, I didn't. Jill isn't my friend, more of an acquaintance and I didn't sic her on you. She might have liked you but let's be honest you are pretty charming when you want to be, that is when you aren't breaking someone's heart, of course. So it is perfectly understandable if she decided you were someone to chase after. I mean—" he cut me off.

"Are you taking a class in semantics or something?" He asked sharply.

"Why are you upset?" I asked, my tone neutral, but even when Ezra and I were together, I had hardly seen him angry.

"I invited you to coffee, I wanted to hear about you, about your life, about what you're doing now and instead you cop out, grab a buffer and we exchange less than five sentences and nothing of relevance." He told me.

I stifled a mocking laugh. So that's what it was… his angry was clearly because he felt so entitled to holding stock in my life it and was put out when this was denied to him. If it wasn't so pathetic it would have almost have been funny.

"Frankly Ezra, I have no clue what you want from me. You say you want to know me, did you ever think that maybe you forfeit that privilege? I'm not interested in pandering to you; I'm not interested in wasting my life away making the same mistakes. Regardless of what you might think of me, I'm not a sycophantic, idiot, child, I do learn from my mistakes and I try to avoid the insanity implied in repeating them." I stated, evenly, calmly and with a glare of my own.

He looked cut, like I had knifed him right here on the subway train, in the crowd of bystanders that had been undoubtedly listening to our charade, and I was watching him bleed out.

"I don't believe you." He said after what felt like forever and a day. Was he serious? The sheer gall of this man was exceptional; they should have sequestered him for scientific research.

"What part?" I questioned tersely.

"You don't get to play games, invite the friend out, humor me, pretend that your cool with meeting up somewhere and then pull the 'I've learned' card." He stated bluntly.

My mouth dropped open in shock. It took a moment to formulate words.

"So, you're saying I'm a liar?" I asked, I knew I was a liar in some respects, but about this? Not a chance.

"Yes. I can't say for sure if you are lying to me or if you are just lying to yourself, but someone is being lied to and I guess all I am trying to say is, grow up. If you don't want to see me, don't see me but don't play games Aria." He offered.

The condemnation was thick, my goodness, what on earth gave him the notion that he could behave all high and mighty? Did he honestly forget who was the real gamer was in the whole scheme of things?

"Oh, so hypothetically I could give this brand of advice to someone who wanted to date a girl but then decided better of it months into the relationship? That's good to know. No, adults never play childish games," I offered sardonically, and then laughed. "I guess by your standard neither of us are adults yet." I added cheekily.

It was his turn to look surprised and at a loss for words. "I didn't play you Aria. I swear I never did and I would never do that. That situation was entirely different; I can't explain it now and do it justice—"

I cut him off this time, "Since I've turned over this new leaf and I am on this new kick of not even attempting to humor you, I'll be honest and tell you, I could care less about your reasons, whatever they were, they make no difference." I stood then, "My stop is up next." I informed him.

"So that's it?" He asked sounding argumentative again. His body shifted position so that I could not edge passed him without brushing into him or into the larger man behind and slightly across from him.

"As things stand, I have no idea what could be left for us to talk about." I told him.

"So you're saying you feel nothing." He asked gesturing wildly between us, I'm sure looking to the other passengers, a little off kilter.

I laughed at that one, what a jerk. "Last time I checked my feelings had no bearing on your course of action. I'm not going to flatter them this time." I said curtly. "Excuse me."

As quickly as humanly possible, his arm slipped to the small of my back and before I could think or do anything, he was kissing me. I was shocked by it, not in a million years would I have expected it, it was raw, it was passionate and held an intensity that I had never known, not even from him. It was alarming and slightly frightening because I was trying to get over him and all the shattered piece of my heart jolted back together when our lips met, but promptly felt apart again as he pulled away.

"I didn't want you to miss your stop." He informed me, seeming to be perfectly fine and completely with it, and unaffected, I found myself trying to blink back confusion, hardly remembering where I was or what he was talking about. I felt totally senseless, and I didn't like it. I wasn't even thinking about what any of this might mean. I hit me hard that this was the first time we had ever kissed in public. It seemed so bold, until I remember that nobody knew anything about us, and nobody cared to know either.

"Call me when you're done with this charade and we can talk." Ezra stated, tucking a post it, with assumedly his number on it, into the pocket of my jeans.

It had been a whole week since the incident, that's what I'm calling it, my entire being refused to acknowledge it and leaving it as undefined as possible was the best course of action under the circumstances. The fact that it was Thursday again, after a whole week, seemed to heighten my mind's awareness to the incident. That's not to say it ever really left my mind the other days this week, but today it was front and center again and I could hardly think of anything else. Regardless of my mental state, I went to work and then I went to class and thankfully I also remember Jill's promised soy milk green tea latte. I was doing it, I was surviving! This meant I fine, my world was still on its axis, my entire life hadn't fallen apart, I was stronger than I before, I was stronger than I ever thought I would be. I had made it a week. Here's to celebrating small victories!

"Hey, Aria, wait up!" Jill called as I was leaving the class at the end of our lecture.

I stopped and waited for Jill.

"So, huge favor to ask," she began, "I never got Ezra's number last week and I was hoping—I" she began monotonously slowly and I cut her off, you end the talk of Ezra as quickly as possible.

"You were hoping I could give it to you, know problem, it is in my phone. Just let me find it." I offered, moving to fish my phone out of my purse.

"Well, no I was actually hoping that you could call him and give him my number…It's just this thing, I feel like maybe it would be less weird. I mean, I know it is the 21st century and girls ask guys out and all that but after taking an anthropology class, I just can't help but feeling the man is the one that is supposed to do the chasing…would you just give him my number and he can do with it want he will?" Jill asked.

'Ugh no', I thought but found myself nodding in agreement. What was wrong with me, why didn't I have the nerve to tell her what I thought?

"You will! Thanks so much, you are seriously the best. You have my number from the class presentation right?" She asked.

I nodded again. "I'll tell him later tonight."

That was a lie, I waited until the next day, when I was almost certain he would be in class.

My assumption was accurate and I nearly whooped for joy when I heard this voicemail message rather than having to actually speak to him, which I didn't think I could handle.

"Hey it's Ezra, I'm either away from my phone or I don't feel like talking to you, kidding Mom—you know I love you, but if you leave me a message I'll get back to you when I have a chance."

The beep sounded. I had written out what I wanted to say, so I would be less likely to mess it up.

"Hi Ezra, It's Aria Montgomery" I intentionally included the last name because of how it had bruised me slightly when he did it and I longed for formality; so that he wouldn't pick my message apart and fine out that my heart still longed for him. "I'm calling on behalf of Jill Hastings, you met her last week; she wanted me you pass on her number. You can reach her at 917-555-1230, all I ask is that you keep everything that happened between us confidential. Thanks, bye."

I pressed 1 after I recorded the message so that I could listen to it play back and see how I sounded. It was strange hearing myself talking that way. I sounded a bit like a secretary; uninvested emotionally and mature. I like that, I certainly didn't feel uninvested inside, but I was glad I could fake it.

Songs that helped me write this chapter:

My Love Will Follow You- Dierks Bentley

The Difference- Matchbox 20

Author's Note:

I always wonder how old people are who are reading my stories. I'm 22, feel free to add your age in your review if you want to x3

What do you think, any ideas about what happens next? Questions, queries, concerns always good to hear! I love suggestions, I don't always go for them but it is always neat to see other peoples creativity!

Is everyone pumped for Christmas? 12 days! Woohoo— Opps let's not let Aria hear that, it wasn't very grown up of me ;) Hehe

Have a wonderful evening!