Bea: Thanks so much, I appreciate that you told me that. I can totally tell that this is constructive criticism and so I'm grateful. I looked back over the last few chapters and I can totally see what you're saying! In my mind I see Aria as trying to puff herself up and hide behind big, pretentious words. I see her almost as a child playing dress-up, putting up this facade and trying to pretend she's all grown up. I am going to try to tone it down. Thanks for this. I am totally serious when I say I welcome critique! Anything people, tell me and I will try to explain my reasoning and/or try to change things.

Oh and Ezra totally calls Aria out for being false last chapter, yes her walls are up but she is also trying to project that she is 'grown up' now.

Thanks for the review. Special props to ezrialove for reviewing every chapter! Thanks! You are fantastic, it is so wonderful that you would do that when all 5 chapters were already loaded. This chapter is for you. I wasn't planning to release it until the weekend. I had an exam today so I was pretty wasted, but have put in the time tonight to get this baby finished. All for you darling! ;)

Chapter 6: Exactly Like I Used To

I want you, just exactly like I used to
And baby this is only bringing me down
I said I want you, just exactly like I used to
And baby this is only bringing me down

-Kings of Leon: I Want You

My mother actually asked me to snap out of it. She kept asking what was going on, if something was wrong, if my GPA was slipping, anything that she could think of that might have merited this kind of funk.

"Nope, everything is great." I told her in a lackluster tone , finishing the rest of the salad that was on my plate and then getting up to scrape the rest of my food into the garbage, ending the conversation by depositing my plate into the dishwasher.

"You are missing your friends aren't you?" She said with an 'ah-ha!' tone.

"Yeah I miss them. Emily Skype'd me last night, so that was nice. And Spence sent a nice and long email earlier in the week. She's met this guy, but she said it isn't anything yet so she isn't revealing his name" I informed her, mostly to get her off my back. "It isn't really the same though." I sighed. If I had to be 'bummed' about something it might as well have been about my friends.

My real reason, I knew was a lot more complicated than that and not something I wanted to share with my mother.

Ezra hadn't called back. I had left him that voicemail on Friday and it had been four days and he hadn't done anything, at least not that I was aware of. He might have called Jill for all I knew. Some part of me had expected him to call me and at very least berate me for trying to set him up with Jill. I wasn't prepared for the lack of response. It made me question my motives. Why was I so disappointed? Did I want to see him? If I did want to see him, was I just asking for pain?

The contemplative side of me wondered what Ezra was up to, how he could kiss me like he had and then seem to be so unaffected. He was calm and collected; he hadn't even risen to the voicemail bait I had given him. Here I was feeling— what I presume a junkie feels like when they haven't had their fix recently.

I felt agitated. I had his number; I could call him at any time and try to see where we stood. I felt as if trying to contact him automatically meant failure, but my heart screamed that if I was feeling this way, then I had already failed.

My mind thought to Jill's line about what she had learned in her anthropology class. Something in me agreed with her, I suppose whatever it was wanted Ezra to fight for me, it wanted him to chase me. Maybe it was something physiological; maybe it was because he had given up on us before. As if the betrayal from the past forced me to demand validation, to expect to be wooed and won, because I had been so easily abandon before. Why did he ditch me? What happened? Was it something I did? It always returned to that. It was too much to think about, the more I tried to solve my inner questions the more I discovered I didn't know.

I came to the realization that I couldn't piece together this puzzle alone. I had a puzzle going but less than half the pieces. It was no wonder I was driving myself mad trying to finish it. Ezra had the missing puzzle pieces. That thought brought me to the realization that I needed to call him and we did actually need to talk.

My hands were actually sweating when I sat down on my bed with my cell out ready to call him. I needed to know. Knowing was the only thing that could bring closure.

He picked up on the second ring. Offering a brisk 'hello'

"Hi Ezra, it's me. I was hoping we could talk." I said, it was all I could manage.

"No buffers this time?" He asked, with a sigh.

"Yeah," I said, I felt like I was 12 again, talking to a boy I liked, completely inarticulate as soon as I opened my mouth. "Do you have time tonight?" I asked.

"Well, I should mark these papers, I well—" He sighed again.

"It's okay, tomorrow also works." I said, with a slight frown, I told myself it was completely ridiculous to feel dejected because I wasn't a 'priority' in his life. I felt so silly for having that thought cross my mind. It was like I was a jealous girlfriend but I didn't have any right to feel that way.

"Why do I feel like if I leave it till then you might change your mind?" He asked, mostly to himself. "Let's talk tonight; can I pick you up?"

"Okay." I said biting my lip, praying I wouldn't regret it and then supplied him with my address. Telling him I would meet him outside.

It was seven when I told my mother I was going to watch the live music and the cornerstone café. I even asked her shamelessly if she wanted to join me. Knowing full well that because she had already showered and was wearing her pajamas that the answer would definitely be 'maybe next time'.

It felt strange to be sneaking around again. That was the first thing that hit me. Then next thing was how normal it felt to be meeting up with Ezra

He was on time; I met him on the steps of our apartment building. Needless to say he looked good, I knew intuitively that I looked fine as well but internally felt as if I had spent the last week crying, even though no tears had been shed.

"Hey," he offered.

"Hey," I mimicked, I felt to flustered, so strange.

"Are you nervous?" He asked.

"No, I'm— well, um yeah. I'm a bit nervous, almost nauseous actually," I told him, wondering to myself if I would always be so easy. Let's put it this way, I wouldn't do well in a police interrogation room if Ezra was the one asking the questions.

"I know, I am too, it feels like there is a lot of pressure on this, doesn't it?" He commented.

I wasn't sure if pressure was what I felt, I felt uneasy but I couldn't explain why. I wasn't sure of much these days. My heart was being held together with chewing gum and paperclips; it didn't leave much room for mistakes, maybe I was just scared I'd get hurt again.

"I just need some answers." I told him, softly, the words barely strong enough to leave my lips. We were still standing on the apartment steps.

"Let's grab a some coffees and a park bench." He offered, linking his arm with mine naturally.

It was as if we had this unspoken rule that we weren't going to speak until we found our coffee and our bench. It was so peaceful; it was so wonderful just walking with him again. If my heart didn't know better, it was as if we had never ended. Walking in silence with Ezra made me feel like I had discovered a time machine and fixed things so he wouldn't let me down.

It couldn't last I realized after the vender handed Ezra his change and Ezra hand me a cappuccino. The next task was finding a bench, that didn't take long and as we approached it seem that the bench was looming in the distance, ominous and cloaked in tragedy. I wanted to avoid it, pretend it wasn't there, find an excuse so that we didn't have to break the perfect silence we had found walking. Some part of me cherished the illusion that everything was as it had been, that nothing had gone awry, that nothing had changed. If I was honest it was a big part of me that held this mentality.

I wasn't sure if Ezra sensed my hesitation or if he also felt like a man heading to the gallows for his own reasons, regardless of his reason, his pace also slowed. It took us double the time I expected to reach the bench. It was with a heavy sigh that we both sat down. Initially I was about six inches away from Ezra's side but he rectified that, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me over to him, so that my side was pressed against his. It felt secure and warm, and I wished this cozy silence wouldn't have to end.

"Have you ever felt afraid of something?" Ezra asked me, breaking the silence that was presiding over us.

"Yeah," I answered instinctually, the way he looked expectantly at me I knew he was expecting me to continue. "Um, after Alison died I was so scared. It didn't help that nobody really knew what happened. I was scared to sleep alone, until I came back from Iceland, after they found her body," I offered. "Until after I met you actually," I said in almost a whisper. I had never thought of it like that before.

"So you probably understand what fear does to you?" He said.

"Yeah, of course," I whispered.

"It makes a person behave differently than they would normally." He said, "I got scared Aria. It was as if suddenly I realized everything that was at stake. It wasn't just my job, or getting stripped of my teaching certificate if someone found out and told. It was your reputation, your family's reactions, the future. Everything, I panicked."

I didn't know what to say.

"I don't even know how to explain it, I know it is impossible to excuse it, I'm not trying to do that. It seems I need to clarify things, in order to show you that my motives weren't purely selfish and that I wasn't just trying to play you. Do you mind if I try to explain?"

"No, I mean I've been dying for explanation since you ended things." I said, not wanting to meet his eyes but somehow unable to look away as I said it.

He winced. "It was after we worked together on the play. I felt so torn. I knew what I felt, I knew how amazing we were together but I also knew how unacceptable the whole relationship was and I hated it Aria. I'd heard snippets of rumors; I knew what people were saying. I couldn't get my head around how something so right could be so wrong. I hate lying more than anything, well maybe more than anything except for asking you do the same."

He let out a sigh and took in a huge intake of breath. "You're better than that you know, you are worth more than having to sneak around and lie to your family. I hate myself for not being able to walk away sooner," He stated and my eyebrows must have shot up, because he placed his hand on my leg in a calming motion, "but I also hate myself for walking away. I am so conflicted Aria; I have no idea what to do. I thought if I left, I wouldn't see you and if I didn't see you, then I could get you off my mind." His head was bowed then, his voice had dropped low so I had to strain to hear him in the quietness of the park.

"You left a voicemail Ezra that is like marginally above breaking up in a text message." I told him, the emotions I was feeling clear in my voice and my eyes watering.

"I know and I'm sorry. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it in person. I knew I wouldn't be able to look you in the eyes and tell you it was over. It wasn't over, not inside, I couldn't convince myself of that, and how was I supposed to convince you?" he asked sounding desperate that I understand.

I nodded; urging him to continue by squeezing his hand in what I felt was a comforting manner.

Then he chuckled dryly. "I've seen you everywhere since then. I stayed with my sister in St. Paul for a few months before I got a job here. I thought if I got far enough away I'd be in the clear. You never left me alone Aria." He whispered. "I couldn't decide for the life of me if that was comforting or if it was a curse…" he offered trailing off.

"I wanted you to have better than what I had to offer you, but everything in me despised the idea of you finding someone else. It still does. I have never been more miserably than I have been this year; I hope that at least makes you happy." He sighed again.

I was just staring at him wide-eyed, not sure if I was supposed to say anything or allow him to continue his testimony.

"I know that we can't just start where we left off." He stated, running his hand through his hair.

"We can't?" I found myself asking, my heart must have snuck that one in before I could stop it.

"Look Aria, I love you, I always will but love doesn't exactly thrive when a relationship is built on dishonesty and lying. If I want to have you, if we have any respect for ourselves and each other we need to start off on the right footing this time." He informed me. Again I felt a bit childish; it was overrun by the thought that he loved me. That thought alone sent my body into a mixture of emotions. I felt like my world was spinning, like being on a delightful merry-go-round for too long. My heart clenched feeling glee for the first time since Ezra had left.

"I'm sorry for kissing you on the subway, it was wrong of me. I just wanted to breakthrough to you, and if I am honest I had wanted to touch you since the night I found you again." He said looking slightly sheepish.

"Where do we go from here?"

Author's Note:

Alright. So, I am banking on TONS of reviews for this chapter, I hope I am not too eager but I love seeing people's reactions. It is one of the best things in life! Reading reviews is like a tray of freshly baked cookies or brownies straight from the oven, then putting ice cream on top and chocolate sauce. Yum! Reviews are every bit as good as those things! So make me fat people! Haha! I most likely will not be able to update until after the 20th but begging helps ;)

Love ya all!