A.N. Well as you read how I named it there are two conversations about feelings. But whose feelings? Tifas of course! I felt like I ignored her till now and now Tifa has her own chappy^^ I'm so kind, am I? *grin*
Faded Memories
Chapter 5: Conversations about Feelings
In the middle of the night awoke Cloud with a start. He had this nightmare again. Sephiroth always appeared and taunted him, telling Cloud how weak he is and that he'll fail her once again. And then he saw her death again and that's the moment he woke up. Cloud jumped out of his bed and ran to the room the girls shared and peeked inside.
Tifa was sleeping and so was Yuffie and Aerith...wasn't inside! Cloud panicked, closed the door and ran through the whole Inn, in hope to finally find her, but instead he found Barret, who's heading back to their room. „Hey, spike, why are you up now?", Barret asked, but Cloud ignored his question and came straight to the point. „Where's Aerith?", he asked him, trying not to sound panicked.
„Hm...she said she wanted to go to the beach, to..." Barret couldn't finish his sentence as Cloud passed him and ran out of the Inn to the beach. As he arrived there he saw her sitting on the sand and staring at the full moon right in front of her. Cloud sighed in relieve and went to her.
„You're supposed to sleep.", he said, while Aerith jumped a bit and quickly looked over her shoulder, and began to smile as she recognized him. „You too.", she teased and turned her attention back to the moon. Cloud sat down next to her, his arms leaning on his knees and gazed to the moon too.
„Why are you up?", asked Aerith, after a short silence, her gaze glued to the starry sky. „I...", Cloud began, but broke up. What should he say? „I just...wanted to make sure everyone's alright.", he replied, but Aerith isn't convinced of his answer. „There's something else, right?" Cloud quickly looked at her, startled, while her attention still was on the starry sky.
„You're hiding something from me, right?", Aerith asked him and looked at him. Cloud totally forgot that Aerith always knows when someone's lying, especially him. „I just had a nightmare...", he admitted and looked away from her. „Do you wanna talk about it?", asked Aerith concerned, while Cloud just shook his head. „No...", he replied and looked to the ground.
„You can tell me everything, you know.", she said and smiled at him warmly, while Cloud, once again, stared at her beauty. Because of the moon light her hair seemed to be softer, her white, porcelain skin glowed even more and her emerald green eyes sparkled. Cloud gulped as he examined her. He longed for so long to see her again and now that she's back again...He can't do a damn thing!
He wanted to act on instinct, but he had to maintain control of himself or else he would do something stupid, like hug her or even kiss her, or worst of all...loosing all his control and lash into her or something like that. No...he couldn't ever forgive himself if it comes to that point...
He quickly looked away from her to keep the last rest of his control he still had.
„I know...", he replied in a low voice, while Aerith looked at him in worry. „What's wrong, Cloud? You seem so sad...", she asked him worried, but Cloud didn't replied and gazed up to the starry sky again. A few seconds later he sighed. „Let's go back. We should sleep a bit before we head out again.", he said and stood up, while Aerith looked up at him. She waned to ask him why he's so sad, but decided to ask him later and stood up as well and they both went in silence back to the Inn.
As they arrived Aeriths room they stood there for a while, just looking to the ground in uncomfortable silence. „Well...good night.", said Cloud awkwardly and turned around to go to his own room, but stopped mid step as he felt a tug on his shirt. He turned around to see Aerith looking at him with sad eyes, which let Clouds heart brake.
What's making her so sad...? Cloud didn't want her to be sad, he wanted her to smile at him and to be happy. „Cloud, don't be sad. I'm...We're all here for you, okay?", she said and disappeared in her room, while Cloud stared at the closed door, where she just left, a bit longer. What...? That's what I said at the Cosmo Conyon!
Cloud awoke in the next morning as Cid yelled at him. „Spike! Get the fucking hell out of the bed! We have to fucking go now!" Cloud just turned around and mumbled at quiet „A few more minutes..." in reply. Cid left the room, cursing under his breath and slammed the door shut. Then, a few minutes later, Aerith entered his room.
„If someone can wake that spiky ass up it's you, so do the hell something!" Aerith giggled as she recalled Cid's words in her head. Even though he's always rude and cursed on everyone and everything, she knew he's a kind person. Somewhere...deep inside of him.
Aerith went to Clouds bedside an shook him lightly. „Cloud." But he didn't budged and she wondered if he even heard her and shook him a bit stronger. „Cloud!", she called him louder and suddenly Cloud awoke with a start, causing Aerith to back away from him. He looked around hectically, trying to find the cause what woke him up, until his eyes found Aerith. „Aerith...what's wrong? Is something happened? Are you alright?", he asked her worried, while she began to giggle. „No, everything's alright. I just wanted to wake you up, we want to go now.", she said, still giggling, while Cloud looked away from her, blushing. „Alright then...I'm ready in a few minutes."
„We wait outside then.", she said and left his room, while Cloud rubbed his eyes and got out of the bed to get ready. Once he got ready for the day, he met the whole group on the entrance of the Inn. „Okay, guys, if we hurry we'll make it to North Corel tomorrow. Let's go!"
„Um...Cloud?", called Tifa before they all could even move. „Do you mind if I could go with you and Aerith?" Cloud looked at her questioningly, while Tifa glanced at Aerith, who winked at her. „Alright. Red, Cait Sith, you two go with Barret and Cid then."
„Okay.", replied Red XIII and Cait Sith and now everyone head out to North Corel, Clouds group were left behind. Cloud looked to the girls and nod at them and as they nod back he led the way, like always, while Tifa and Aerith were a few meter behind him and talked. „I'm so glad you asked him to go with us, Tifa!", said Aerith happily, while Tifa smiled at her. „Well, I just remembered the conversation we had yesterday..."
—Flashback—
Aerith closed the door to Clouds room behind her. „Aerith.", Tifa called her and went to her. „Is Cloud okay?", the black haired girl asked her best friend worried, who nodded. „Japp, he's alright, but...Are YOU alright, Tifa?", asked the Cetra back and looked worried at Tifa, while she just looked confused. „Of course I'm alright. Why do you ask?"
„Well...I could be wrong, but...you seem so sad...", she replied, while Tifas eyes widened slightly. That's right...Aerith always felt whenever someone's upset..., thought Tifa and passed Aerith, a friendly smile on her lips. „Let's talk about it in our room, okay?", she suggested and Aerith followed her into their room.
As they entered their room, they sat down on Tifas bed. „So, what's wrong with you?", asked Aerith worried. „Well...I don't really know...Maybe...it's that secret I kept for so long...?", Tifa guessed and smiled sadly at Aerith. „Oh...Then you don't have to tell me this, if..."
„No.", Tifa cut in. „It's alright. I kept it for so long, I want to tell it to you. You're my best friend after all, maybe you can help me out?"
„Well, I'm glad you believe in me so much. I'll do my best to help you! And I promise your secret will save with me!", Aerith said reassuringly and smiled brightly at Tifa, glad that their friendship is so deep that she wants to share her secret with her. „I know.", she replied and smiled sweetly at her best friend. Then Tifa took a deep breath, always reminding herself that Aerith could give her some advices of what to do in a situation like this. „I'm...", she began, her heart pounding fiercely in her chest. „I'm in love with Cloud.", she finally said, feeling like a heavy rock just lifted from her heart, while Aerith looked at her in shock. „You love Cloud?", repeated Aerith and Tifa nod.
„But it's just one-sided love. I know Cloud loves someone else. Even though...he didn't saw her for almost four years...he still loves her. And I'm sure that girl loves him too.", she paused and looked into Aeriths green eyes, a small smile spread in her lips. „But I can't help but be glad for the two. I want them to be together, because that girl...she's my...on of my best friends and I want her and the one I love to be happy. Because...If they're happy...Well...It makes me happy too.", she finished and sighed in relaxation and closed her eyes.
It feels so good to finally told that to someone., she thought and opened her eyes and she felt some tears gliding down her cheeks and wiped them away. She looked back to Aerith and her eyes widened. Aerith looked at her with such a heartbreaking, sad, but still warm and kind expression, which almost took her breath away.
„Tifa, you're really the most kind and caring and selfless person I know.", the green eyed Cetra said. „But...", added Tifa. „I can't ignore that...this pain...whenever I see them together. W-what shall I do, Aerith? Tell me!" Tifa practically begged Aerith and hugged her tightly, while she rubbed her back as she felt her crying.
„Ssshhh...It's alright, Tifa. Don't ignore your feelings. They're a part of you. You wouldn't be the Tifa you are now, without them.", Aerith said comfortingly, trying to calm her best friend down as best as she could. „You wouldn't be the strong, independent and funny Tifa, we all love."
„But it hurts so much, Aerith! I don't want to feel it! Please make it stop!", cried Tifa against her chest, while Aerith just continued to rub her back. „I know...I know you don't want to feel it...And I also now your pain. I felt it too, you know. But you have to be strong. As Zack left for his mission and never came back, I had the same feeling as you. I always thought about if he already found another girl, you know. I thought he doesn't want to see me again, because I'm just the little flower girl from the Slums..."
Suddenly Tifa looked up at her with teary eyes. „That's nonsense! Zack really loved you, Aerith!", she quickly said, while Aerith smiled. „That's good to hear. And now I know what really happened to him.", she said and looked sadly to her, but still smiled. „But I learned first love never lasts an eternity. Tifa, it's normal to have these feelings, it's okay to be jealous." At this Tifas eyes widened. „What? No...I-I'm not jealous...It can't be..."
„Tifa, don't deny your feelings! You have to except them and only then you can be in peace. Believe me. I know what I'm talking about.", she said with such a soft and caring voice, which let Tifa get all teary eyed once again. „I...I'm jealous...", she admitted. „I'm jealous of...", she paused and looked at Aerith. You..., she finished her sentence in her head. „I...I just cover my ears.", said Aerith and covered her ears, so that she can't hear Tifa anymore.
„I'm jealous of you, Aerith...", Tifa said and looked to the ground. „I'm jealous that it's you, who get Clouds full attention. I'm jealous that it's you, who get Clouds rare and reserved smiles. I'm jealous that it's you, who Cloud looked at so lovingly. I'm jealous that you're so...so kind...so loving...so selfless...so pure...so innocent...so forgiven...so caring...so..." Tifa broke up and her tears fell freely down her cheeks and before Aerith could do anything Tifa hugged her again, crying against her neck, while Aerith comforted her again.
„I wish I was like her...", murmured Tifa against Aeriths neck, as she calmed down again. „No! Don't even think this! You're Tifa and no one else! Just be yourself. I like you just the way you are.", Aerith said and now realization hits Tifa. Is that why Cloud loves her so much...? Yeah, it makes sense...I just saw Cloud as the first class SOLDIER he never was and never will be...Someone like...a knight in shining armor, while he didn't had to change himself, when he's around Aerith. He could be just himself and didn't had to change it...She loves him just the way he is...
„But don't worry. I'm sure there's a nice guy out there who will always love you. Just the way you are. All you have to do is to believe in it. Just as I said, first love never lasts forever. Zack and I are a good example.", she said encouragingly, while Tifa smiled brightly at her. „You're right, Aerith. Thank you. You really helped me out."
„You're welcome." The two friends smiled at each other for a few more minutes, until Tifa broke the silence. „Say...If Zack came back...would you be still with him?"
„Hm...I don't know...Probably not. I guess it was a sign that Zack and I don't belong together, even if it was a real sad sign...", Aerith said with a sad tone in her voice and Tifa just nod in agreement. „Um...Tifa? Can you help me with something?", asked Aerith after a moment of silence, while Tifa looked at her in worry. „Of course! Once you helped me...It's the last thing I can do!", said Tifa, while Aerith smiled at her, but her smile is quickly replaced by a frown, which let Tifa get more worried about her.
„I...noticed a weird wound on my body lately...", she began, while Tifa gasped loudly and let her eyes widen. „A wound? Where did you get it? Does it hurt?", asked Tifa concerned, while Aerith smiled a bit and shook her head. „No. It doesn't hurt. It's already healed, but there's still a scar left which irritated me."
„A scar..." Could it be...?, thought Tifa in horror. „C-can you show me that scar?", she asked her, while Aerith nod and unbuttoned her dress. As she sat, just in her underwear, in front of Tifa, she pointed to her stomach. „There." There was a small, longish scar in her stomach, which let Tifas eyes widen even more. „And on my back too.", she added and turned around to show Tifa the exact same scar on her back.
„I don't remember where I got them, so I hope you might know it..." Aerith said and turned around to Tifa, who's staring at her scar with teary eyes. Suddenly all the memories of that fateful day came crashing in her mind. She didn't cry that day as Cloud let her sank into that lake in the Forgotten City. No...the only feeling she had was hate and rage towards the man who did this to her best friend: Sephiroth.
Just as they saved the planet and as they all visited her watery grave, she began to cry for the first time over her. „Tifa...?" Aerith looked worried at Tifa and reached out to touch her shoulder, but suddenly the black haired girl tackled her in a tight hug again and cried. „Oh, Aerith!", she cried as all the sadness of that day explode in her once again. „Tifa, what's wrong?", asked Aerith, as she rubbed her back to comfort her. „Do you know where I got this scar?"
Tifa pulled a bit away from her. „No...but it must be really painful, huh?", she lied, hoping Aerith wouldn't notice. „It doesn't hurt. Well...not much.", she replied, while Tifa looked at her in worry. „What do you mean?"
„Well...It hurts once in a while...It felt like someone's stabbing me with a long sword...", she described, while Tifa grinned at her nervously. „And every time it hurts, I saw pictures in my head. Like flashbacks."
„What do you see?", asked Tifa her curious. „I saw a man...dressed in black. He had long silver hair, his eyes had a cyan color. He looked really frightened and a cold chill ran through my spin." She remembers Sephiroth. Well, of course, he was the one who killed her after all..., thought Tifa. „Do you know him?", asked Aerith, while Tifa thought for a while. Shall I tell her about Sephiroth? „You should ask Cloud. I bet he can tell you something about him.", she replied nervously. It's not my place to tell you this., she added in her head. „Okay. Hey, Tifa! Please ask Cloud to join our group."
„Eh? I don't think he would say yes...", replied Tifa and looked to the ground. „I'm sure he'll say yes. And if not I just use my most successful weapons: my pout and puppy-dog-eyes!", she said and began to giggle. Oh well, you don't know how much you affect him with this. But not just him, everyone's falling into it, even Cid., Tifa thought and joining Aeriths giggles.
In this moment Yuffie entered their room. „Hey, here you are! What's u—" She broke up as she saw Aeriths scar on her stomach, where Sephiroth stabbed her. Her eyes immediately began to tear up and she dashed to Aerith and tackled her in a tight hug. „Oh, Aerith!", she yelled, and began to cry, as she, too, remembered that day. Once they calmed Yuffie down, which was about an hour later, the girls made themselves ready to sleep.
—flashback end—
„I'm so glad!", said Aerith happily. „Hey!", called Cloud the girls and glanced to them over his shoulder. „Hurry up.", he said and the girls immediately ran next to him. „What are you two talking about?" At this the girls suddenly began to giggle. „Nothing.", they said in unison, while Cloud looked at them questioningly. As they continued their way to North Corel they had fight with several monster. Cloud and Tifa, being the strongest ones in this group, defeated them, while Aerith healed them most of the time, but also went into the fight too, to not be such a burden to them.
But Cloud always told her to stay in the background and as Aerith used her weapons, Cloud couldn't say no to her anymore, but still told her to be careful and stayed always by her side. They traveled till nightfall as Cloud stopped. „Okay...We really had a long day, I think we should rest here." But before Cloud could even finish his sentence the girls fell to their knees and leaned against each other. Everyone went silent then, Aerith and Tifa catching their breaths and Cloud examining his surroundings for anything dangerous. „Hey.", he said, gaining the girls attention. „Over there's a cave. We rest there.", he said and began to walk again. „Alright...", sighed Tifa and stood up to follow him. Aerith was about to stand up too, but suddenly felt pain on her left ankle and fell back down.
Cloud and Tifa noticed it instantly and ran back to her. „What's wrong?", asked Cloud her worried. „Oh, it's nothing. I just...slipped.", she replied and giggled nervously and tried to stand up. She really tried hard to ignore the pain, but unfortunately her eyes betrayed her. „Are you hurt?", asked Cloud worried, while she just shook her head. „No!" She took a step to prove it, but she used the wrong leg and felt he ankle hurt again and stumbled forward in Clouds arms. They both blushed instantly as Cloud wrapped his arms around her waist to steady her, but non of them noticed it, because Aerith looked down the whole time.
„Is it your ankle?", guessed Cloud and sit her back down. „No, it's nothing, really!", she protested as Cloud began to slip her shoe out of her left foot and cupped it with his hands to examine her ankle. „Is it broken?", asked Tifa, while Cloud shook his head. „No. But she shouldn't walk any further.", he said in a calm voice, while Aerith bit her lip. „No, it's alright. Let's get going!", she insisted and wanted to stand up, but Cloud and Tifa pushed her back down. „Tifa, you too?"
„You're hurt. It's a bad idea to just ignore it. How long do you have this injury?", asked Tifa her worried, while she looked away from them. „A while...As you defeated the last monster. Cloud said "Let's get going." and I didn't had the time to heal it...", she replied quietly, while Cloud held his forehead and sighed. „Aerith...You had to tell us you're hurt..."
„I'm sorry, but I don't want to be a burden..."
„You're not.", Cloud reassured her and smiled a small smile at her. Aerith blushed a bit as she saw Clouds smiling face, but quickly looked away to hide it, while Tifa looked a bit hurt at this scenery, but tried to except it, like Aerith advised her to do. „Well, I guess I'll carry you there.", Cloud said, while Aerith quickly looked to him again. „What? No, you're probably too tired to carry me!"
„Hey, when I can fight against all these monsters, then I can carry you. I bet you're not that heavy." Well...I KNOW that you're not heavy..., he thought, remembering the time he carried her to the lake. „Cloud, I think it's better to rest here. We have to go through that cave anyway, so...", suggested Tifa. „What, you think I can't carry her too?", joked Cloud, which let Tifa and Aerith get taken aback. He made a joke?, they both thought surprised.
„Of course.", the black haired girl replied teasingly. This way I can talk with you about Aeriths scar..., she added in her head, while Cloud nodded. „Okay then. Can you take care of the tent? I go and search for some woods and something to eat.", he said and stood up. „What about me?", asked Aerith, who still sat on the ground. „You rest.", the blonde man replied and head off, not noticing the pout on Aeriths face as he said this. „Tifa, take care of her for me, okay?", he said over his shoulder, while Tifa just hummed in agreement as she already worked on the tent.
A few minutes later the tent is ready and Cloud came back with woods for a bonfire and some meat from some animal. „How's your ankle?", asked Cloud as he came back and started to make a fire. „Better. I healed it.", she replied and stood up to prove him it doesn't hurt anymore. „Good." As Cloud made a fire the three gained around it and cooked the meat and ate in silence. „I go to sleep.", Aerith yawned, as she finished eating and went into the tend. „Night, Aerith."
„Good night.", Cloud and Tifa replied as Aerith disappeared into the tent. „Hey, where will you sleep?", asked Tifa him curious. „Nowhere. I have to make sure no monsters attack us.", he replied plainly and took another bite of his meal. „You sure? I can take a shift if you want."
„That's not necessary. Just make sure Aerith gets her sleep, okay?"
„Right." They both stared at the fire for a moment and Tifa thought it's a good moment to tell him about her injury. „Cloud..."
„Tifa..."
They stared at each other for a few seconds and then Tifa looked away from him. „You first.", she said, while Cloud nodded. „Did you noticed that Aerith went outside during the night?"
„She left?", she asked him surprised, while he nod again. „Yeah. I found her in the Chocobo studs and on the beach.", he informed her, while Tifa though for a while. „Maybe just because to think? I bet she has a lot of questions, but doesn't ask us for some reason?"
„You think...?" Tifa nod. „Hm-hm. I mean she never asked us what happened, why we missed her so much, why she was not with her mother, why she lost her memories and so on."
„You're right..."
„But...She showed me something yesterday, what might interest you.", she said and looked at him with a worried expression. „And what?"
„A scar." Suddenly Cloud looked up to her, pricking up. „What scar?" He seemed angry that Aerith hide her injuries from him, while Tifa bit her lip. „Tifa!" Cloud urged her to continue as she stopped talking. „It's...the scar..." She looked to the tent in case Aerith peeked outside and leaned closer to Cloud. „The injury she got from Sephiroth, you know.", she whispered to him, while Clouds eyes widened. „You mean...?", he said shocked, his voice cracking, while Tifa nod.
„She wondered what this scar is, huh?", Cloud said, it wasn't a question, but a statement. „Japp. She also said it hurts once in a while and when it does she saw Sephiroth."
„Did you tell her something about him?"
„No. I thought you won't like it if I tell her. Well to come to the point: she'll ask you about him."
„Hm...Do you think we shall tell her?", he asked her a bit concerned, while she shrugged. „I don't know...Maybe...It's the best she doesn't know yet and just remember herself when the time has come...?"
„Hm-hm. Guess you're right.", he agreed and then they became silent again. „Is there something else you want to tell me?", asked Cloud after a while and stared into the fire. „Actually...", she began, but broke up. Shall I tell him? Maybe then I can let go of these feelings...„Yes...there's something else."
„Go on."
„Well...", she began and took a deep breath and looked at him, her heart pounded fiercely in her chest. „I...I love you.", she said, but Cloud didn't budged, his face was still expressionless. „For a long time now...", she added and now Cloud sighed and looked at her, his eyes showing a tinge of sadness. „I know. But..."
„I know, I know. You love her.", she said, while Cloud nodded. „I'm sorry, I can't give you what you want from me.", he said and turned his attention back to the fire. „It's alright. I talked with Aerith about it and she advised me what to do. I feel a lot better now, I just thought when I tell you now I finally can let go of these feelings and move on.", she said and smiled at Cloud. „Don't worry. You'll find someone else."
„I know. Aerith said the same thing to me. And...when I think about it now...Now that I told you...I think this feelings already changed a bit. I suddenly have doubts about my feelings. I guess they changed into the love best friends share. Like how I love Aerith. As my best friend.", she said, smiling to herself, as she finally felt strong enough to move on. She has to thank Aerith later again.
„I'm glad. I never meant to hurt your feelings in any way, Tifa. Not even during the Geostigma crisis."
„I know. I know it was hard, or even impossible, to let go. And I never meant to force you to let go, I just thought about the future of Marlene and Denzel and ignored my own feelings and yours too. The sadness of loosing a friend...I'm sorry about that. I pretended everything's alright and some day I really believed it...And because you never let go, she's back again. Even if it was just because of you own interests, I'm still glad you did it.", she said, while Cloud nod and then went silent again.
„Well I go to bed too.", Tifa said and stood up to stretch herself. „Good night."
„Night.", he replied as she entered the tent. Cloud sighed after a while. I rather wished Aerith would say this to me..., he thought disappointed, but is still glad that Tifa figured out her feelings. He's glad that Tifa just wants to be friends with him, just like he always wanted it to be. He really didn't want to hurt her feelings, that's why he thought when he's far away from her, she'll give up on him some time. He always knew she loved him, but he always tried to ignore it, which wasn't that difficult when he thought of Aerith and about a way to bring her back.
Now she's back, but it still didn't healed his heart at all...He has to help her remember him...everything as fast as possible!
A.N. Alright. That was all for now. I hope you all liked my Tifa only chappy and I hope it's prove enough why there ISN'T and WON'T be Cloti at all. (yay Clerith for ever^^) I really liked to write this chappy because, as I said up there, I felt like I ignored her feelings and I'm sorry for all Tifa fans, but I hope to satisfy you with this chappy^^, even though there where no much (or not at all) Clerith moments in there, sorry for the Clerith fans (I'm a Clerith fan too, I'm also sad that I couldn't bring a few Clerith moments in here...) but the next chappy will be better, I promise^^ (even though I just improvise everything, haha And still have to think about what will happen thenXD) btw in this chappy just should be the conversation between Aerith and Tifa but then I thought Tifa could confess to Cloud now and then this conversation between her and Cloud appeared^^ good eh? Aaannnd I actually wanted the charas to arrive North Corel, Gold Saucer, Gongaga and Cosmo Canyon in this chappy, to tell you why Aerith can't remember Cloud and all, but I think it's long enough, the conversation really needed more space than I expected...^^'
Oh, and please don't forget to review! ;3