[41]
Thunder Horse needed Black Shawl often in the first few days. She came over several times a day to tend to Stands whose body was still healing from her ordeal. From Black Shawl, he also learned to cook the same hearty stew that Stands had been fond of making. It was the one thing that he could manage to get her to swallow. In the evening, after Black Shawl left to return to her home for the night, Thunder would lie next to his wife and play his flute. He hoped that it would show her the way back to him. He rarely left her side anymore and only Wind in His Hair came to visit every now and then. Three weeks passed with little change.
[42]
Black Shawl left the warmth of her tipi to brave the crisp fall morning air. She stopped outside of her daughter's home.
"Thunder Horse, Can I come in?" She asked, and then waited for his reply.
"Yes." Black Shawl opened the door flap and stepped inside. Thunder was already heating water on the fire.
"No change?" She asked him.
"No."
"Rain is coming. I think it will be bad." Black Shawl observed.
"Do not come out in the rain. Stay and tend to your own family. I am grateful to you for your help, but I can take care of my wife without you for a few days." Black Shawl nodded.
"What if she doesn't get better? Will you care for her from now on?"
"She is my wife. I do not mind caring for her. She will come back, you will see."
"Kicking Bird says that Grey Wolf will order that we strike camp early this year; after the harvest. He says that this land needs to heal. Perhaps a change in scenery will be what she needs."
"Perhaps." Thunder Horse agreed.
After Stands had been bathed, dressed and put back to bed, Thunder Horse spoke again.
"I need to get wood. Will you stay with her and start the meal? I will return soon and then you can go." Black Shawl nodded, and Thunder nodded back before he stepped outside. Black Shawl combed through Stands tangled hair and braided it in a single strand, tying it off with a strip of rawhide.
"You have a good husband Stands. He loves you, and misses you very much. He will not give up on you, I think. You should come back to him. He is hurting too, but he will not say it. We all miss you…" Black Shawl brushed her fingers gently across Stands' forehead.
When Thunder returned, Black Shawl was stirring the stew by the fire.
"You should go now. It is starting to rain." He announced. Black Shawl looked back at Stands and then rose to her feet. She walked over to where Thunder was stacking wood. He stopped to look at her.
"Your mother was a dear friend to me. She would be proud of you. Your father too would be very proud." She turned and left the tipi. He was surprised by her sudden mention of his parents who were both among the dead.
[43]
That night, after playing his flute to accompany the sound of falling rain, Thunder took his wife in his arm and he kissed her lips. She was lifeless. He held her tightly to his chest and he wept.
"Come back. Please, please come back to me! I miss you so much!" She did not respond. The rain fell all through the next day. Thunder and lightning made the ground rumble. Thunder Horse and Stands lay in bed together all day. He held her in his arms and stroked her hair, playing with the braid, trying to pretend that she was only sleeping. He hummed lullabies to her.
[44]
"Thunder Horse! It is Kicking Bird." Thunder opened his eyes. It was morning and the fire was almost out. He covered Stands and put more wood on the fire before going outside. Kicking Bird stood there waiting patiently.
"What is it?" Thunder asked, squinting against the bright morning sun.
"Grey Wolfed has summoned us. Will she be alright until we return?" Kicking Bird asked. Thunder considered it and then nodded.
"I'll be just a minute." Thunder dressed. He tucked his wife in tight, made sure the fire would not go out, and then he left to walk with Kicking Bird to the other side of camp.
[45]
When they got to the old man's lodge, they announced themselves and waited to be invited inside. Since he was expecting them, they didn't have to wait long. Once inside, they sat around his fire. Grey Wolf had already taken out his pipe and he took a toke then passed it to Kicking Bird who took a turn then passed it to Thunder Horse.
"How is your wife?" Grey Wolf finally asked.
"There is no change. She is like a ghost." Thunder announced. The old man nodded sadly.
"It is a shame. So much tragedy has come to this land. Lone Tree left this morning. He said that he could no longer live among the people and bears the shame of what his daughter did. He did what he had to do, but he was a good man and I was sad to see him go. Kicking Bird, what kind of medicine do you recommend to heal this place?" The old man took his pipe back from Thunder Horse and smoked it.
"We should have a dance to rid the land of evil; A rite of cleansing." Grey Wolf nodded.
"That is a wise choice. We will plan that after the harvest, and then we will leave this land and move on to the winter camp early this year. Will your wife be able to make the journey?" Grey Wolf asked Thunder again.
"Yes, she will travel, but I will ride by her side." The chief nodded.
"You know we understand that your wife is dear to you, but I believe you must think about the future. If you choose, you may take another wife. Stands With a Fist will remain your first wife, but a new wife can help you care for her. You are a warrior, not a nurse. No one would speak ill of you if you chose to take another wife. Isn't that right Kicking Bird." Reluctantly, Kicking Bird nodded and took the pipe.
"I have no need or desire for another wife. Thank you. Another warrior might see the wisdom of your words, but I can only speak for myself." Kicking Bird grinned slightly and placed his hand on Thunder Horse's shoulder.
"Do not give up on your wife if that is what you believe. She will come back. Your love is strong. It did not die that day." He encouraged.
"I must get back to her. I should not leave her alone for long." Thunder stood up and Grey Wolf waved his hand, giving him permission to leave.
"Stay with me Kicking Bird. Let us talk more about this dance of yours."
[46]
Stands squinted against the bright light and raised her arm to shield her eyes. When she could see again, she looked around. The world looked alien to her, and like a ghost, she no longer belonged to it. There was no sound or color in this world, only black and white. She saw the trees moving, but she felt no wind. Birds flew by overhead, but they did not sing, and their wings made no sound. She looked down the path and was relieved to see a familiar face. Dove Feather stood there waiting for her, smiling and waving for her to come. Her mouth was moving, but no words came out. Stands stumbled down the path which seemed to grow longer and longer in front of her instead of shorter. When she reached the place where Dove had been, she looked ahead to find her farther down the path. Stands tried to call out for her to wait, but no words came. She began to run, but the faster she ran, the further away Dove was from her. She cut through the tall grass, but when she reached the river, Dove Feather was nowhere to be seen.
Stands looked down at her feet. She didn't recall walking into the river, but it swirled wildly around her legs. The water was higher than it should have been. The waves rushed against her and threatened to knock her off her feet. A wolf paced on the shore, so she could not go back. She tried to make it to the big flat rock that was barely visible above the rapids. The water suddenly turned icy cold and it bit at her legs as she grabbed hold of the rock and pulled herself up onto it. She felt her heart pounding in her chest and she could not breathe. The water turned red like blood; the only color in the bitter landscape. It reached its long fingers up onto the rock trying to reach her. What began as a hum in her ears swelled to a roar. She clapped her hands over her ears to muffle the sound, only to discover that the sound was coming from inside her own head. The wolf howled.
Stands became dizzy as the world began to spin. She lay flat on the rock and tried to hold on. Her eyes were shut tight and she bit into her lip to keep from screaming. She made herself remember good things; a kiss. Her fingers traced the shape of her lips. She slid them slowly down her throat and to her breasts. She remembered both pleasure and pain, a journey.
"If you take care of me, I'll take care of you." Stands opened her eyes and turned to find the source of those words, but found only the wolf, watching her and pacing. She slid her hands down the flat plain of her stomach, once filled with life, but now nothing more than an empty hollow space, and she remembered.
[47]
Thunder Horse pulled back the door flap and stepped inside his lodge to find it empty. He went back outside frantically running down the path to Kicking Bird's lodge.
"Black Shawl! Is my wife in there with you?" He asked. In a moment Black Shawl appeared in the doorway.
"No, she is not here."
"She is missing. I was only gone a short time with Kicking Bird. She is gone!" He was panicked and distraught.
"Calm down. She would not have gone far." Black Shawl reasoned. Just then another blood curdling scream came from the direction of the river. Again, Thunder Horse found himself running towards the water's edge. He saw her sprawled on the flat rock in the center of the calm water. She was doubled over and she held her stomach.
"My Baby! My Baby!" She cried out in anguish.
Thunder Horse raced to her side and pulled her into his arms.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I couldn't hold on to her." She sobbed against his shoulder. The tears flowed like rivers from her eyes. Thunder held on to her tightly. He was overcome by the sound of his wife's voice. She had come back to him and he didn't ever want to let go of her again.
"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. Please don't leave me like that ever again!" He pleaded holding her tightly.
"I couldn't save her!"
"I know…Its okay."
"Our baby…I'm so sorry." They stood there in the water with their heads touching and theirs tears flowing together. He took her face in his hands, looked into her eyes.
"I prayed that you would come back to me. I was so afraid that I'd lost you forever!" She put her arms around his neck and he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the shore where Black Shawl stood crying. She stepped aside to let him pass and he kept walking down the path to their home. He didn't stop until he reached their bed. He lay down beside her and held her in his arms, stroking her hair and kissing her tenderly until her last tear was shed.
"What happened to her?" Stands asked after lying silently in his arms for some time.
"Our daughter?" He asked. She looked up at him with sad eyes and nodded.
"I took her to the prairie. I gave her a proper Sioux burial. Then I spread her ashes by the base of the lonely tree." He told her softly. She fingered the scars on his arm and nodded. She knew that he had done right by their child. The Keeping of the Soul ceremony often included self-mutilation as part of the mourning process.
"Will you take me there?" She asked.
"Yes, when you are ready." He stroked her hair.
"Did you give her a proper Sioux name?"
"Yes. Only you and I will know it. I will tell you her name at the lonely tree. " She nodded in understanding. Thunder Horse had missed his wife, and he longed to lay with her and feel the comfort that only she could give him, but he waited. He knew that when she was ready, she would come to him. Instead he just held her.
"I am sorry." She said softly.
"Hush now. She is with the Great Spirit. We are here together. You must not leave me again." Stands clung tightly to her husband.
"I promise that I will stay here with you. I love you." She said finally. As they lay there in each other's arms, he told her about Dove Feather and Yellow Flower. She was sad to hear of what had happened to her friend. She felt sorry for Yellow Flower. She tried to hate her for what she had done, but it was all just a sad tragedy.
[48]
The harvest began the following week. Kicking Bird's dance had been scheduled, as had the move to the winter camp. Stands With a Fist was growing stronger every day. The bleeding had stopped and she was gradually resuming her daily routine, however she had not resumed all of her wifely duties. Thunder still gathered the water from the river, and they had not made love again.
On the morning before the healing dance, Thunder Horse took his wife's hand and they walked through the village together. He had already announced his intention to the council, so no one was surprised to see them mount Thunder Horse's favorite pony and ride out on the prairie. They rode in silence for several minutes, watching as the sun rose slowly in the sky.
"Is it very far?" She asked.
"An hour perhaps." He informed. They continued on in silence. They both knew what lay before them, but were enjoying the time spent alone together.
As soon as the tree came into view, Stands knew they had arrived without even asking. In the whole wide prairie, no other tree could be mistaken for 'the lonely tree'. It stood completely alone.
"It is a good resting place." She said softly, and he was glad for her approval. They dismounted and approached the tree hand in hand, on foot. Stands dropped to her knees by the base of the tree and laid her palm on the ground. The tears came again, bubbling up from deep inside her. Thunder Horse sat down beside her and she laid her head in his lap. He stroked her hair. His face was somber, but his eyes were dry. When her tears dried up, Stands sat up and pulled the knife from its sheath at her back and she sliced a two inch cut into the back of her arm. Thunder Horse took the knife from her and wiped it on the grass, then returned it to its sheath. He bandaged her wound with a strip of cloth ripped from the cuff of his leggings. They sat together for a long time in silence until, at last, he spoke.
"I called our daughter Heaven's Tears." He revealed quietly.
"That is a good name." Stands admitted. "Thank you." She stroked his cheek and looked into his weary face. He kissed her palm and shed a single tear. She wiped it away.
"We must go now. There is a dance in the village tonight. We don't want to be late." Thunder stood up and called out for his horse. The beautiful brown and white spotted pony perked up its ears from where it was grazing nearby and he hurried to his master's side. Thunder lifted Stands onto the horse and he walked along side for a while. They passed some wildflowers and he pulled a handful and held them up to his wife who took them and smiled. He grabbed the pony's mane and hoisted himself up behind her. She leaned back against his chest and he encircled her waist with his arms. The horse meandered in the direction of home. Stands ran her fingers through her hair, pulling it back from her neck so that she could look at her husband over her shoulder. He kissed her tenderly on the exposed flesh. She held his head in place, and he continued to kiss her neck. She moaned softly as he gently grazed her throat with his teeth. He took his hands off of the horse and moved them to her hips.
"I've missed you so much." He whispered in her ear. He moved his hands to her arms and she rested her palms on the tops of his thighs.
"I've missed you too." She responded. He tugged at the laces of her tunic and it slid easily to her waist, exposing her breasts. He studied the shape and the weight of them in his hands as her hands left his thighs, slid up his strong arms, admiring the contours of his muscles. As he rolled her nipples between his fingers, she clasped her hands behind his neck and thrust her chest out, allowing him full access. She found it exhilarating to be so completely exposed.
With a hunger that could not be denied, Thunder slid off the horse, pulling her down with him to the ground. His fingers and his lips journeyed across the curves and plains of her body. His long coarse hair fell onto her face and she rubbed it into her skin, turned on by the smell, texture and the friction. Thunder looked down and smiled as his beautiful wife was caught up in the passion of the moment. He took a strand of his own hair and he teased her hard little nipples. Immediately she arched her back and pushed them up towards him. He devoured the left one, taking it all into his mouth as she grabbed on to his biceps and held on.
The passion built to feverish heights until they were both tugging at their clothes, wanting nothing at all between them. He got off her to pull his leggings off and she tugged her tunic off then they were together again. He let her roll him over on his back and he patiently waited as she took her turn, exploring his chest and arms with her fingertips and her mouth.
"Oh, what are you doing?" He moaned as she covered his stomach with her lips. He groaned out loud as she took him into her mouth. He had never felt anything like this before. Stands had surrendered to the passion she could not contain. She needed him inside of her. It never once occurred to her that what she was doing was anything less than natural.
He indulged in the exquisite pleasure that her mouth gave him until he felt ready to explode, and then he found the strength to roll her off of him. He buried his head between her creamy white thighs and returned the favor. This was his wife and he wanted to know her completely. He drove her to madness with his tongue. She ripped fists full of clover as he buried it deep inside her. They rolled over again and again. As she looked down at him the need became so great that she grabbed him in her fist and guided him inside her. She cried out her relief. It was savage and wild. He rolled her over again and he loved her hard. She clawed his skin and he pounded her tender flesh into the ground. Neither of them stopped until they both had come as hard as they had loved. They lay together, panting for air, clinging to each other. When they finally sat up, they started searching for their clothes and found them almost 30 feet away. They just looked at each other and laughed.
"You have grass in your hair." She said.
"So do you." He pointed out, picking out the evidence.
"That's not the only place that I have grass." she complained. "I itch all over."
"Good, I'll give you a bath when we get home." He teased.
"Only if I can give you one." She bargained.
"I look forward to it." He agreed. She slipped her tunic over her head and tied the lashes.
"That thing you did…It was good." He told her, pulling up his leggings.
"Good." She laughed, only slightly embarrassed at having lost control.
"And that thing you did was also good." She blushed.
"Good to know." He called for his horse and they mounted up.
"What is that over there?" Stands pointed to a column of smoke in the distance.
"We should go check it out." Thunder Horse turned the pony in the direction of the smoke. As they neared it however, he became worried. He stopped the pony and helped Stands off of the horse.
"Stay here. I will check this out alone." He took her knife from behind her back and secured it in her hand.
"Stay out of sight. If you hear me call, go back the way we came. Stay in the tall grass till you get to the river, then follow it home." She held onto his arm.
"Don't go. We should just go home." She was worried.
"It will be fine. I will be right back. Stay here unless I call out." He mounted and rode over the hill. Stands watched and waited. She felt fear and panic rising inside her until, at last, he appeared on the horizon. He jumped down when he reached her and lifted her back up, then he mounted behind her and took off at full gallop. Once they were a safe distance away, he slowed down.
"Are you going to tell me?" She asked finally.
"There are many white men in the valley just over that hill. They are making camp. We must hurry back and tell the others. Grey Wolf and Kicking Bird will know what to do."