Thunder Horse – Chapter 13
[80]
Stands With a Fist watched the war party until they crossed over the hill out of view. Everyone else who had come to see them off had already moved along and were going about the business of getting their day started. As she walked through the camp, down the familiar path that led to her home, she offered friendly greetings to the people she passed. Pretty Shield and the Chief were sitting on a buffalo hide in front of their tipi. As Stands passed by, they called her over.
"Have breakfast with us this morning." Grey Wolf invited. Stands sat down on the rug facing them.
"How was your trip?" He asked.
"It was very nice. Thunder Horse is teaching me to be a fine warrior." She laughed.
"Really?"
"Yes." Stands relayed the fishing story to them, and both laughed to find that she had caught the bigger fish.
"And how was the tea, dear?" Pretty Shield asked.
"Disgusting, but we drank it all."
"And…." Pretty shield waited for her to go on. Stands' smile faded and she shook her head.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Do not lose hope." She took Stands' hand and gently patted it with her own. Grey Wolf was not sure what was going on, but he did not ask any questions.
"I know our country well. Where did you make camp?" He asked.
"It is a hidden place, little more than a crack in the mountain, but there is a clearing at the other end. We found it by accident one day. I like to think that no one has ever seen it but us. Thunder Horse calls it our paradise." Stands explained.
"Oh, how romantic!" Pretty Shield commented. "You have made a good match with Thunder Horse. He is very happy to be your husband. He has said so."
"And I am very happy to be his wife." Stands accepted a piece of jerky when Pretty Shield offered it. "But look at the two of you. You have been married for a very long time." Stands pointed out.
"We have many years on you, it is true." Grey Wolf laughed.
"One day you will be our age, and you will look back fondly on these days." Pretty Shield said.
"I hope so. Thank you for breakfast. I'm going to stop and visit with Black Shawl on my way home." Stands stood up, still working on the jerky.
"Will you tell her to come and see me today?" Pretty Shield asked.
"Yes, I will. Thank you again. Have a good day." Stands turned and continued down the path.
[81]
The children were playing outside of Kicking Bird's lodge. Willow was watching over her younger brothers and sister. Little Bear ran to Stands when he saw her coming down the path. Stands loved all of Black Shawl's children. She was much older than any of them, but they still looked up to her as a big sister.
"Is your mother inside?" She asked Willow.
"Yes. She is inside."
"And Kicking Bird?" Stands asked.
"He rode out on the prairie this morning." Stands nodded. When the war party was away, the warriors who were left behind were expected to protect the camp. Usually Kicking Bird left that to the younger men, but he must have been in the mood for a ride this morning. Stands bent over and kissed Little Bear on the top of his head and then left them to play. She stepped into the open hatch.
"Good morning Black Shawl. Do you need help today?" Black Shawl was busy tidying up the tipi, and she turned to greet Stands with a smile.
"Yes! Thank you! Kicking Bird got up early to see off the war party and succeeded in waking up all of the children early too. Now he is out enjoying the peace and quiet, and left me with everything to do."
"Just tell me what you need." Stands volunteered.
"Will you fetch some water?" Stands took the empty bladders from where they were tied.
"How is your wood?" She looked and saw for herself that they were still well supplied. "Never mind…just water then." Stands turned to leave but then remembered. "Oh, Pretty Shield asked me to tell you to come and see her sometime today." Black Shawl nodded, and Stands stepped outside.
"Stands With a Fist, can I go to the river with you?" Little Bear asked when he saw the bladders in her hands.
"Ask your mother." She told him. He ran into the tipi and came out a few minutes later, toothlessly grinning from ear to ear.
"She said I could!" He announced, taking Stand's hand.
"Okay, but you have to listen to me." She warned.
"I will!" Stands and the boy walked hand-in-hand down the path to the river. The water was calm and Stands sat down on a log to remove her moccasins. It was going to be another hot day. She hoped that Thunder Horse would not be too uncomfortable out on the prairie.
"Can I get in the water Stands With a Fist?" Little Bear begged. Stands hung the empty bladders from a tree branch and took the boy's hand. Little Bear had a very special place in her heart. He was a sweet boy, and she had cared for him many times since he was born. Together, they walked out into the still water. Little Bear bent over, looking for smooth pebbles to add to his collection. Stands stayed nearby watching him. Her need for a child of her own was so strong that she ached at the thought of never getting another chance.
Suddenly, movement on the other side of the river caught her attention and she looked up to see the wolf. Like all the times before, it made no move to approach them, but only watched them intently from the bank. Even though she wasn't afraid of the wolf herself, she didn't know what it would do with Little Bear there, so she moved closer to protect the boy.
"Look!" He yelled, pointing at the wolf.
"Don't be afraid, he won't hurt you." She assured him. Just then the wolf turned and ran into the bushes, leaving them to finish their treasure hunt. After Little Bear had found as many rocks as he could carry, Stands retrieved the bladders and filled them with water, then slipped her moccasins back on her feet and they walked back to their father's lodge.
[82]
Black Shawl invited Stands to have the evening meal with them so that she would not have to eat alone. The two women and the children were in conversation when Kicking Bird came back home later that day. He seemed to be very deep in thought and was not in a mood to talk, so he sat off to the side and ate his food alone. Black Shawl looked at Stands, then at her husband and then back at Stands. They both shrugged their shoulders. After dinner, Black Shawl invited Stands to sleep over, but Stands was ready to be back in her own bed, so she declined.
[83]
Kicking Bird's demeanor did not change for the next several days. Finally, after talking to Grey Wolf, he seemed more like himself again. The raids were hard on their food supply, and everyone was worried that the buffalo had not returned. Just a few weeks ago, they had been in a good position, but things change fast on the prairie. No one was surprised when a dance was announced.
[84]
"Stands With a Fist, can I come in?" Willow peeked into the tipi where Stands was sitting with Thunder's flute, practicing the tune that he had taught her.
"Yes, come in." Willow climbed in and sat down beside Stands on the ground.
"What is going on?" She asked.
"I came to tell you that we are having a buffalo dance tonight."
"Oh, that is good to know. Thank you for telling me."
"When did you learn to play the flute?" Willow asked.
"Thunder Horse is teaching me to play. Have you heard him play it? He is very good."
"Sometimes at night I can hear him." Willow admitted.
"That is usually when he plays. It is harder than it looks, but he makes it look easy."
"I hope that one day I marry a man like Thunder Horse." Willow said. Stands smiled.
"You would be very lucky to find another man like him. I hope you do." Just then, they both heard the faint sound of Black Shawl calling for Willow.
"I have to go, but can I come back and walk with you to the dance?" Willow asked, standing to go.
"Yes, that will be fine. I will wait for you to come."
[85]
The men met that night before the dance. By the time that Stands and Willow arrived, news had spread throughout the camp that explained Kicking Bird's mood for the past several days. One single white man had returned to the soldier fort at the white men's camp. Kicking Bird had seen him with his own two eyes. Everyone was curious about him, and why he had come back. Stands With a Fist recalled the rumor that the white men would not allow other white people to live with the Indians. She hoped that was not true, but she had heard many people say that it was, so she decided that she would stay very close to camp until Thunder Horse returned. She hoped that would be soon.
[86]
Smiles a Lot, Worm, and Otter were in big trouble. After hearing about the white man, they slipped away in the night and rode out to see him for themselves. They didn't see him, but they did try to steal his horse. Otter's shoulder was injured, and they didn't even have the horse to show for their trouble. Talk of the white man disturbed Stands With A Fist. She worried that other white men would come, and she feared that they would retaliate for the harassment they received at the hands of the Sioux people. After witnessing the trouble that the boys had gotten into with their fathers, Stands didn't think that they would try it again anytime soon, but Wind in His Hair and several of the other young warriors had painted themselves up for war, and were preparing to ride out to the soldier fort that very day.
[87]
Stands With A Fist had taken Willow and her brothers and sister to the river to swim. It was such a hot afternoon that swimming provided a bit of relief. Stands had removed her moccasins and waded in knee deep. Willow did the same. In the past week, the young girl had become like a shadow, accompanying Stands as she did her chores every day. It was clear that she looked up to her big sister and wanted to be like her in every way. Stands was happy for the diversion. Eight year old Turtle practiced skipping rocks across the surface of the river; while five year old Little Bear and four year old Angel splashed each other and looked for more rocks. Stands looked up when Smiles A Lot appeared suddenly on the path from camp.
"They are back!" He called out to her.
"Who?" She asked.
"The war party that went against the Utes. My mother sent me to tell you."
"Thank you!" Stands happily herded the children out of the water and slipped her feet back into her moccasins. She was eager to see her husband, and the children were moving slowly. She scooped Angel up into her arms and urged the others to keep up, and then she walked quickly back to camp. When they all reached Kicking Bird's tipi, Stands turned to Willow.
"Will you please stay here and watch the children until your mother comes back? Please?" Stands pleaded.
"Yes, I will watch them. You go on." Willow herded her brothers and sister into the tipi and Stands hurried on down the path to where everyone else had gathered to welcome the warriors home.
There was a crowd gathered, and she had not yet seen Thunder Horse, but the closer she got, the more her happiness faded and turned into worry. The sounds she heard were not happy sounds; they were the sounds of weeping and moaning. Not all of the warriors had made it back home alive, and there were many injuries. Panic rose up inside her and she felt like she might throw up.
"Thunder Horse!" She cried out, hoping that he would call out to her, but he did not. Frantically, she pushed through the crowd until she saw Kicking Bird, and Black Shawl, and Pretty Shield, and Wind in His Hair. They were standing over him, and he wasn't moving. When she realized that he was gone, the pain in her chest made it impossible to breath. She began to tremble, and it felt as if her brain was going to explode. She ran to him and they stepped aside to let her pass. She dropped to the ground and fell on him; her anguished screams not enough to wake her from her nightmare. She fought to hold on to him, even as their hands pulled her back. Wind In His Hair wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly against him, not releasing her, even when she pounded her fists on his back. Her cries pierced his ears and his heart. Grey Wolf tenderly placed his hand on her shoulder and then walked away to survey the rest of the disaster. Pretty Shield and Black Shawl stood waiting to offer their support, but Wind in His Hair did not release his grip on her until she had calmed down. Slowly, he released her, making sure that her knees would support her. When she looked in his face, she saw his jaw was clenched tight. He tried to suppress his own pain, but she did not fail to notice the mist in his eyes. She knew that his heart was broken. Her husband had been his best friend.
"Thank you." She said in a voice that was shaky and hoarse. Black Shawl and Pretty Shield immediately stepped in. Each woman took an arm, supporting her weight. Stands looked back once more as Kicking Bird and Wind In His Hair lifted her husband's body and carried him towards the tribal tent where he would lie until his burial ceremony. The two women ushered her down the path through the village. When they steered her towards Kicking Bird's tipi, she gently broke free and ran home where she would now have to live alone. She stepped inside and quickly pulled the door flap closed before climbing into bed. It was a hot day, far too hot for heavy blankets, but Stands pulled their blanket over her head. She just wanted to disappear and shut out the rest of the world. She lay there in the bed that now seemed huge and empty. Thunder Horse would never sleep in it again. The thought caused her physical pain where she used to have a heart. The two older women entered the tipi, uninvited.
"Stands With a Fist. Do not worry. We will prepare his body, but you should not be here alone. Please come back with me." Black Shawl urged. Stands suddenly sat upright. She stood up and hurried past the two women. They followed her as she ran back to the tribal tent.
[88]
Stands found her husband's body stretched out on a pallet. Beside him were the bodies of five other men, surrounded by their families who were preparing them for the ceremony that would take place that night. Grey Wolf, Kicking Bird, and Wind in His Hair stood over Thunder Horse. They all looked at her when she arrived.
"I will do this." Stands With A Fist slowly approached her husband's body.
"You do not need to. I will do it." Wind in His Hair offered.
"I am still his wife. I will do this for him." She insisted. Kicking Bird nodded and one by one the men backed away, leaving her alone with him.
"I meant that it was my turn to wash you, but this is good too."
His words echoed in her memory.
"I like the way that you take care of me. Will you stop now that you have won my heart?"
A shiver ran through her, but his words strengthened her resolve. One last time she would care for him. She carefully untangled his braid; the same one that she had braided the morning that he left. She ran her fingers through his hair, memorizing the texture. Carefully she braded it again and fastened it with a chord that she tore from the hem of her own gown.
Stands picked up a cloth and dipped it into the water trough that had been placed nearby. Tenderly, she washed his face. She wiped away sweat, and dirt, and war paint. Her fingers caressed his brow, and traced the shape of his lips and the line of his jaw. It was her husband's face, but he was not there. The light was gone. She didn't want to remember him like this. For a moment she closed her eyes and let the memory of his face fill her thoughts. He was happy and smiling. That is how she would remember him.
She wet the cloth again and washed his chest. She could tell by to location of the wound that his death had come quickly. The arrow had pierced his heart. She was thankful that he did not suffer. She washed his arms, lingering for a moment to examine the self-inflicted scars. She thought once more of their daughter, and of the children that they would never have. Her tears fell as she took his hand in hers. She placed his palm against her cheek and held it there.
[89]
"She is your daughter. She is hurting. You must say something to her." Black Shawl nudged Kicking Bird in the direction of Stands With a Fist. It was heartbreaking to witness her pain. Kicking Bird stared at his wife, and the others, Grey Wolf, Pretty Shield, and Wind in His Hair.
"What should I say?" He whispered.
"You will think of something." Pretty Shield encouraged. Kicking Bird reluctantly walked toward his beloved adopted daughter. He was not comfortable with displays of affection, but that didn't mean that he didn't care. He had raised Stands With a Fist since she was Turtle's age, and he loved her as if she were his own flesh and blood.
"Stands, I know this is difficult for you to understand right now, but the Great Spirit has a purpose for everything. Your husband is in a better place than this." Stands looked at Kicking Bird with confusion on her face.
"What I mean is, it was good that you and your husband went on your trip when you did. You will always have the memory of that happy time."
"Do you think he knew?" She asked suddenly.
"What?"
"Do you think that Thunder Horse knew that he was going to die when he left here that morning?" Stands wanted to know. He thought hard for several moments before speaking.
"Not here," Kicking Bird touched his finger to his forehead, then lowered it and placed his hand over his chest. "but, I think in his heart he might have known that his time with you was short."
"He taught me how to travel safely on the prairie; how to cover my tracks, how to make a spear and catch a fish, how to make and string a bow, and how to aim and shoot it. He taught me so many things."
"I think he was teaching you how to live without him." Kicking Bird said.
"But I don't want to live without him." She cried.
"It was important to him that you survive. You must find a way to go on, for him." Stands stood up tall and blinked back her tears. She planted a kiss on Thunder Horse's palm and gently laid it at his side.
"Can you do this for me? I can't…" Kicking Bird waved, and soon they were joined by Wind in His Hair.
"I will finish this." He said softly. She nodded at him.
"Thank you." Stands turned back to Kicking Bird.
"After the ceremony, I want his ashes." She said.
"It is not necessary. All of the men will be taken to the burial ground…" Stands held up her hand.
"He is my husband. I will lay him to rest with our daughter." She demanded. Kicking Bird nodded sympathetically.
"He would have wanted that. I will see that you get them." Stands turned and left them there to finish. Black Shawl and Pretty Shield followed her from the tribal tent, but she did not stop to talk. When they continued to follow her, she turned to face them.
"I know that you are worried about me, but I need to be alone now. Please." Hot tears streamed down her face.
"If you need me, Stands…" Black Shawl began.
"I will find you." She promised. The two older women let her go on alone.
"That poor child." Pretty Shield sighed.
"I'm so afraid that she will leave us like before." Black Shawl shared her concerns with Pretty Shield.
"She is stronger now than she was then. If it were going to happen, it would have by now." Pretty Shield reasoned.
"I need to get home. The children are with Willow." Black Shawl said as they hugged and went their separate ways.
[90]
There was much sadness in the camp that night. Stands sat between Pretty Shield and Grey Wolf who took turns holding her hand. She felt numb, having spent all afternoon crying until her eyes felt like they would float right out of their sockets. The hardest part was watching them place his body on the funeral pyre. She wanted to scream for them to stop. She needed to see him one last time, to hold his hand and to kiss his lips. The pain in her chest was more than she could stand. It was a burning pain that made it hard to breath…an arrow though the heart. She covered her face with her hands and began to rock back and forth. Suddenly Black Shawl was there with a cup of hot tea. Stands tried to push it away, but they forced her to drink it. It worked quickly, calming her down and making her feel relaxed. After a while, she could breathe easier, and the pain relaxed its grip. She grew sleepy. She wanted to sleep forever.