Omake chapter 7: Don't mess with Texas
"Run!" Simmons shouted, jumping down a ramp.
"Oh crap where is she?" Griff asked, panicking.
"I don't want to die!" Simmons cried.
"Sheila, we have to help them" Caboose said.
"Help who?" the computer asked.
"The reds! Texas is attacking them and we have to stop her!" Caboose shouted as a black blur flew by the control room.
"Stop Agent Texas? Oh no, absolutely not. We should never interfere with an ongoing battle simulation test" Sheila chided. "Our job is to observe and to document."
"But she'll kill them!"
"Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test!"
"We need to keep moving men! Come on!" Sarge shouted. "Double time, hell I'd settle for single time."
"Maybe we should just fight" Simmons panted. "I'm afraid she'll just start picking us off one by" a hand shot through the wall and grabbed him by the collar. "One!"
The hand pulled and slammed Simmons head against the wall. The wall was then kicked away, slamming it and Simmons against a container. Sarge fired his shotgun but Texas dodged it and grabbed it while slamming a fist into his stomach. She threw him away causing him to stumble headfirst straight into Griff's crotch.
Texas bulled straight into them and knocked the two male Spartans through several walls before giving a final push and knocking them away into a large wall of barrels, causing them to collapse on top of them.
Simmons stumbled out from behind the wall he had been smashed against. "Oh man forget this, I need a bigger weapon!"
He ran for the control room towards Caboose. "Caboose, help us!"
"How? The computer won't let me!" Caboose shouted back. "She's mean. This place is filled with mean ladies!"
"Push some buttons, I don't know!"
"Buttons? Oh man I love buttons! Beep, bop, boop" Caboose chirped as he typed away.
There was some rattling and a dozen rocket launchers rained down on Simmons.
"Wow" Simmons said, not believing his eyes. "That actually worked perfectly! Thanks!"
"Sweet! How did I do that?" Caboose asked himself.
Tucker ran up and saw Simmons. "Hey Simmons, what the hell is going on in there?" he asked, indicating the yells of pain.
"Never mind that. Do you know how to use that thing?" Simmons asked pointing to the sword on his hip.
"My sword? Fuck yeah I know how to use it!" Tucker boasted. "What's there not to understand about swish, swish, stab? It's a fucking sword dude, not a fighter jet."
"Just come help me" Simmons said.
Griff ducked under a barrel flying at him only for it to hit Sarge in the face while firing at Texas. She rolled underneath the rounds and grabbed both by the helmets, slamming together. She punched Sarge in the stomach, then doing the same to Griff who started firing wildly and delivered a kick to Sarge throwing his aim off before falling to the ground.
Griff fired twice more before Texas knocked the gun away, delivered a flurry of blows to his face, to powerful hooks, and a hammer fist down onto his head. She kneed him in the balls knocking him into the air a few feet before grabbing his legs and swinging him down into the ground, delivering a metal denting punch to his groin and finally punted him, again hitting him square in the crotch.
Griff flew through the air before crashing into a crate with a door like machine with a thin green veil. The door fell on top of Griff and the Spartan vanished, only to end up at another door like the first.
Texas just hit Sarge in the back with a double handed blow to see Griff come out of the teleported. She studied the door before ducking, a plasma grenade sailing over her head.
"Hey sweet cheeks!" Tucker shouted, activating his sword. "Remember me? Step away from the idiots!"
Texas walked forward a few steps before taking a fighting stance and began circling Tucker, the male Spartan doing the same.
"Oh god don't let her see me" Simmons prayed as climbed on top of a large container.
Tucker and Texas were still circling each other when a container was dropped from above in between the two.
"Hey! I saved Tucker!" Caboose shouted in joy. "Oh wait, I saved Tucker."
"Caboose what are you doing?" Tucker shouted. "You're messing up my plan with Simmons! I was supposed to distract her for him!"
Texas turned around to see Simmons loading his rocket launcher.
"You ratted me out you son of a bitch!" Simmons shouted, firing a rocket.
Texas jumped out of the way and landed next to a teleported. She grabbed it and hurled the door at Simmons.
"Oh shit!" Simmons panicked, firing another rocket.
The explosive went through the teleported and ended up going through a teleported underneath him, hitting the container he was standing on knocking him into the air.
"Oh shit!" Simmons screamed again as he went through the flying teleported and went through the one his rocket had exited, right into the hands of Texas who flipped him into the air behind her and kicked him in the back straight at Tucker.
"That was awesome-ow!" Tucker shouted as Simmons crashed into him.
"Um, can we use turrets on her or some exploding fiery thing?" Caboose asked.
"That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocol. I cannot do that" Sheila replied.
"What do we do Sarge?" Griff moaned as he, Tucker, Sarge, and Simmons shakily got to their feet.
"I don't know, I've never hit a girl in my life" Sarge said pumping his shotgun.
"Yeah, we've noticed" Simmons said, standing up. "Try harder!"
Griff held up a cone as Texas slowly walked up to them before braking into a run. She grabbed Sarge's gun and tossed him away, dealing an elbow strike to Tucker's gut that sent him flying and ducked under a rocket from Simmons, kicking him in the gut that sent him flying back into the teleporter. She turned to face Griff who held up his cone when Simmons flew out of the teleporter behind him and knocked him straight towards Texas, who delivered a powerful kick to his genitals and planted him into the ground with her foot still in place with the shotgun pointed at his face.
Everyone held their breath as she pulled the trigger, only for it to click.
"Private Griff, you should be ashamed of yourself!" Sarge shouted. "We've run out of ammo! That ammo was your responsibility!"
"Huh, I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever save my life" Griff said, ending the sentence with a squeak when Texas stepped on him. "Protect me cone."
She reversed her grip on the shotgun and swung it like a golf club, directly into Griff's nether regions. Griff flew through the air right into Simmons sending the two into the ground.
"You idiots! Let me show you how it's done!" Sarge shouted. He turned around to be met with a vicious haymaker from Texas, sending him flying next to Simmons and Griff.
"Nice demonstration Sarge" Griff said sarcastically.
"Ah shut up."
"Hey guys, look up there" Simmons whispered, pointing to a large crate being moved above Texas.
Tucker got up slowly, groaning. Looking up, he spotted the crate.
"Hey Caboose! Remember when I said not to help me? Forget that! I need you to help me, right now!" Tucker shouted.
"What holds up that crate?" Caboose asked.
"Mechanical controls are on the right side of the console" Sheila answered.
Tucker rolled out of the way as the large crate was released down onto Texas. She caught the crate with both hands and dented the metal floor underneath from the sheer force and weight of the impact.
"I can't believe that worked!" Tucker said.
Texas merely looked up, holding the crate above her with no visible effort.
"Oh fuck that didn't work!"
"I knew that would not work" Sheila said. "Agent Texas is a bit of a badass."
With a mighty heave, Texas threw the crate at the small group. With the reds panicking behind him, Tucker activated his energy sword.
"Don't worry guys, I got this!" Tucker said confidently. "Swish!" he shouted swinging his sword. The crate was cut neatly in half and went around him spilling its contents, which happened to be first aid packs and a few fuel canisters.
The crate halves crashed into the walls behind him and scattered the reds.
"Ah fuck-berries" Tucker swore looking back at them. "Tex, can you- augh!" Tucker grunted as Texas kicked him in the gut. "Alright, you know what? That's it, come here."
"Oh thank god, I thought I was a goner" Simmons sighed as he climbed out of the wreckage. "Sarge, where are you?"
Sarge poked his head out of a pile of med-packs. "What happened? I feel defeated, and inexplicably rejuvenated."
"Swish!" Tucker shouted, swinging at Texas. She dodged and hit him in the side with a few jabs. "Swoosh!" Texas ducked under the swing and kicked him in the stomach and back. "Stab!" Texas leaned to the side and twisted his hand, disarming Tucker and knocked him to the ground. She kicked him away, watching him slide along the ground into a downed teleporter. He fell in and reappeared next to her covered in some black grime, Texas grabbing him by the throat and ready to impale him.
As soon as she was about to, the sword deactivated.
"What's the matter Tex?" Tucker taunted. "Having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, it happens to everybody. Well, not me but ow!"
"That rocket launcher is one of the older models, right?" Sarge noted, looking at the weapon in Simmons hands.
"Yeah" Simmons nodded.
"Well then that means it has heat seeking! Now lock on and let it rip!"
"Oh right, I forgot about that."
"Bitch!" Tucker swore as he flew out a teleporter next to the red, his blue armor completely covered in black grime. "Damn it I hate this black stuff! What the hell is it?"
"There she is!" Griff said, mistaking the black grime on Tucker for Texas.
"Get her!" Sarge shouted.
"Wait guys" Simmons said.
Sarge and Griff paid him no mind as they proceeded to punch and kick the downed Tucker. Sarge wrapped him into a headlock and started punching him in the head.
"Sarge hold on, hold on!" Simmons shouted.
"Huh?" Sarge looked up, delivering one last punch.
"I think that's Tucker, not Tex!"
Sarge released Tucker who stumbled back and slipped on a med pack, running into Griff and placing the two over a teleporter with Griff trying to hold Tucker up.
Texas saw this and looked at a teleporter next to her. Poking her head through, she was right between them. Cocking her fist back, she nailed Griff straight in the gonads and backed out of the teleporter.
"What is your problem with my balls?" Griff moaned as he and Tucker fell through the teleporter.
Griff fell to the floor while Tucker stumbled through straight into Texas who wrapped her arms around his waist and bent backwards, ramming his head into the ground. Texas flipped over and straddled him across the waist.
"Wow, right to the mount huh?" Tucker said, holding his arms in front of his face to block her punches.
"Simmons, what are you waiting for?" Sarge shouted.
"They look the same, which one do I shoot?" Simmons asked.
"Shoot the one who's winning dumb ass!" Tucker shouted.
Simmons was about to lock on when Griff stumbled into his sights, clutching his family jewels.
"Griff watch it!" Simmons shouted.
Texas looked up and saw what Simmons was up too. She kicked Tucker into Griff, then punched Tucker down while still in the air. The force of the punch knocked all the black grime off his armor as he slammed into the ground and to the red team.
"Wow, she knocked the black right off you" Sarge remarked.
"That's racist" Tucker groaned.
"You're all clear Simmons, now shoot her!"
"Fire in the hole!" Simmons shouted as the rocket locked on.
Texas saw the rocket coming and ran towards a teleporter. Grabbing on the top of it, she swung through and came out of another laying on the floor, the rocket hot on her tail. The swing through the teleporter brought her facing the group, who she started running towards.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Tucker shouted. "Run!"
Griff managed to run but the other three bumbled into each other, stumbling about. The three managed to get in a straight line when Texas came in and clothes lined the three in one hit without stopping, then slid between Griff's legs. Griff looked up to see the rocket fast approaching.
"Oh god not my balls" Griff prayed.
His prayers were answered as the explosive missile went between his legs, still after Texas. He then saw Texas jump into a teleporter, the missile unable to turn in time crashed into the fuel canisters from the crate filled with medical supplies.
"Oh shit!" Griff cried as the explosion knocked them all off their feet.
One of the canisters failed to go off, instead flying through the air like the rocket and rammed into Griff, both flying high into the air. The rest were tossed around like rag dolls and crashed into the ground.
Texas stood back to admire her handiwork when she saw Griff still in the air. Walking over, she nudged a concrete road block with her foot. As Griff came down, he landed directly onto it with the center of his legs cushioning the fall.
"Why won't you just kill me?" Griff moaned piteously.
Texas started walking away when something hit her on the side of her head.
"Hey Tex! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" a voice called.
"Anomaly detected" Shelia's voice said.
A large blue portal opened up and spat out a figure crashing into the ground. He skidded along the ground before crashing into a pile of med packs.
"The hell was that?" Tucker groaned.
The figure climbed out of the supplies and brushed himself off.
"Yeah, pick on someone your own size. Like me."
Texas didn't know who this person was but he was looking for a fight. Sizing him up, he was about as tall as her wearing black pants and a white shirt. His arms were different though, being red with a shield on one shoulder and a sword on the other.
"This is going to be fun" Tyson grinned.
End of chapter. And cut people! That's right, an omake of me vs. Agent Texas! This will have nothing to do with the story line, just some fun I decided to have. These omake chapters will be of the Red vs. Blue series, mostly near the end of Season 8. If you're curious about what the fight really looked like, head to my profile to find the link. It will be the greatest thing you have ever seen. Since I'm at it, I do not own the Red vs. Blue series. That is the soul property of Rooster Teeth. No matter how badly I want it, that series shall belong to the masters who created it.