"I fuckings kills you for dis, Toki!" Skwisgaar howled. An arrow whistled past his ear making a noise like tearing silk.

"Dats songs shoulds has worked!" Toki protested, charging through the underbrush like a rampaging moose.

"Tenacious D? Joo played a Tenacious D songs to sneak into de Elf Lands?"

"Whats? 'Infiltrate! Storm de Gates!' Is perfect!"

"Is not perfects because it didn't fucking works! Joos idiot!"

"Here!"

The two spellsingers jerked towards the sound. Hodr had secreted himself into a crack in an enormous boulder that jutted out of the hillside. Skwisgaar and Toki dashed past him into the gap and the troll king rolled forward a smaller stone and jammed it in the entrance, sealing the trio in a small cave.

"Dis ain't much of an improvements," Skwisgaar growled.

"How we gets outs of heres, Hodr?" Toki asked. "De Elfs surrounds us."

"I don't think we have to go out the front," Hodr answered, heading deeper into the narrow cave. "Here; at the back. Can you smell that?"

Skwisgaar heard Toki sniffing in deep draughts.

"Dwarfs," the troll declared.

"The bottom of this crack is well-worn and I saw a very small boot print in the dirt. We just have to find – ah. Here it is."

The troll king pulled out his club and swung it as hard as he could in the confined space. The huge cudgel slammed into the rock wall. Against all expectations, the rock let out a deep, hollow boom.

"We sneaks outs de back way!" Toki declared.

Hodr hit the wall two more times, eliciting more deep booms.

"Dis such a good idea?" Skwisgaar wondered. "Somebody goings to hears dis."

A crack opened up in the wall. Blue-white light spilled into the dark little cave.

"All right, all right," a voice grumbled. The outline of a small, bearded figure appeared against the blue-white light. "You don't have to knock the door down! I'm right –"

The dwarf stopped in midsentence as he looked up the length of Hodr. The troll king gave him a big, friendly smile, which, given the dental hardware of your average troll, did not end up being that comforting.

"Greetings!" Hodr boomed cheerfully. "How would you like to help repair millennia of institutionalized xenophobia?"

"TROLLS!" the dwarf screamed in horror.

Hodr jammed his club in the doorway as the dwarf desperately tried to slam it shut.

"I'm talking of the long-standing fear and hatred between the separate species of Fae. Why should we remain slaves to age-old prejudices when we – Toki, put your shoulder to the other side. Thank you. – can move forward instead of in the same circles we've been wearing down for years. Push, Toki!"

Both trolls set their shoulders to the door and shoved it open. The dwarf fell over backwards, then scrambled a few paces backwards before reaching back and grabbing the handle of the axe strapped to his back. A dozen or so dwarves rushed into the chamber, drawn by their compatriot's cry.

"Come on, lads!" One of them yelled. "We can take two trolls and an . . . elf?"

The doubt that statement caused was palpable. Not that the dwarves thought they couldn't take two trolls and an elf, but what the hell was an elf doing in the company of trolls anyway? To add to the confusion, the trolls weren't attacking. The big one with the dreads and the silver fox cape was waving his hands in a placating gesture, as if trying to calm a classroom full of rowdy children.

"Easy, easy now; no one wants a fight!" Hodr declared.

The dwarves visibly started. How could this troll say he didn't want to fight? All trolls wanted to fight. It was just as unthinkable as the elf saying: 'You know, we should really cut down some of these trees and put in a high-rise.'

"You . . . don't want to fight?" the original dwarf asked uncertainly.

"No! I'd just like to negotiate for passage through your mine; that's all."

"What could a troll have that we would possibly want?" Another dwarf challenged.

"They have spellsingers," yet another dwarf observed quietly.

The gathered dwarves took note of the set of spellsingers then went into a huddle. No one could huddle quite like dwarves. A few would pop their heads up to look at Hodr, Toki, and Skwisgaar, then go back to the discussion.

After about ten minutes of such discussion, the original dwarf approached the trio.

"We think you'd better talk to our king," he stated.

Skwisgaar reflected that it was the second time today that he was marched through a hostile force's home ground. Well, the dwarves weren't really hostile they just had a precarious peace with the elves. As long as both sides pretended the other didn't exist, they got along just fine. Skwisgaar could hear the little lawn ornaments muttering around them. Why were they crawling through the dark like bugs? Why was he even wasting his time here? Who cared if the elves and trolls went to war? He and Toki should just high-tail it back to Mordhaus and drink until they didn't care anymore! Why did Hodr even care about 'bad times for war'? Kings weren't supposed to care how many underlings got slaughtered! Dumb, gay trolls and their dumb, gay hearts!

The elf's forehead rebounded off of a door jam and he hissed out a mouthful of obscenities. A warm arm curled around his shoulder and pulled him down lower so he could pass through the doorway safely.

"Carefuls, Skwisgaar, joo knocks joos brains out," Toki said.

"Dis ams dildos," the elf growled. "Let's us goes back to Mordhaus! Fucks de Troll AND de Elf Kingdoms!"

"Joo don'ts reallies means dat," Toki said.

"I's fuckings does!"

"No more Elfs forevers? Trolls livings backs undergrounds for most of de year? Joo wouldn't rathers dey comes out and intersacts wit' other species? I sawed a troll at dat concert we dids in Finlands last year and it madeds my wholes day."

"Fucksings trolls," Skwisgaar growled, allowing himself to be tugged down to pass through another doorway. "Trolls lives undergrounds? Is dat why yous cans sees so well in dis murks?"

"It's nots abouts seeings; it about feelings."

Toki found one of Skwisgaar's hands and brought it to his face. The elf felt the smooth surface of a blunt tusk.

"Trolls tastes the dark," Toki murmured.

"Tastes?"

"Likes . . .likes . . . sharks tastes water. We can feels it wheres de horns grow, too."

Toki took Skwisgaar's other hand and put it on his head just up above his hairline. There was a matched set of bumps on the crown of the troll's head.

"You nots has horns."

"No, nots all trolls has dem, but yous can still feels wit' de buds."

A light flared in the darkness. They were in an elaborately decorated chamber surrounded by dwarves. Hodr was crammed into a too-small chair across from the Dwarf King. Skwisgaar realized he was chest to chest with Toki, one hand on the troll's mouth and the other buried in his hair.

This looked bad.

Skwisgaar kneed Toki in the groin as hard as he could and scrambled for a seat on the far side of Hodr. The Troll King acted as if he saw nothing, though the dwarves stared at Skwisgaar like they'd never seen an elf before.

"STOPS KICKINGS ME IN DE DICK, YOU POINTY EAREDS ASSHOLE!"