Chapter 3

After a month of living on the planet, nothing had officially changed between her and Chakotay. But he was acting more like her boyfriend. He met her for meals. He walked with her to meetings, sometimes holding her hand, or with his hand resting on the small of her back. Many of the Voyager crew and the T'lojans wouldn't choose the seat beside her if he was absent, assuming she was saving it for him. Most assumed that she knew his whereabouts.

She didn't correct anyone.

And it didn't bother her.

In fact, she was enjoying his company.

They were also building relationships with their T'lojan hosts. In addition to being friendly, the lavender-tinged aliens were highly social creatures who deeply valued community. Each new arrival, from Voyager or the additional T'lojan ships, was grouped with others who had been living at the settlement, to help them acclimate and form social bonds. These small groups were encouraged to share meals together several times a week, with plenty of food, alcohol, and conversation, while Friday nights tended to be reserved for larger gatherings which also featured activities such as live music, bonfires, dancing, or storytelling.

Neelix and Chakotay shone at storytelling. Crowds gathered about them when it was their turn to orate.

While Kathryn sometimes felt their time could've been used more effectively, she had to admit that she was enjoying feeling like she was already becoming a part of this community. And these customs had fostered that.

Even though she'd been at the helm of a starship for seven long years and was thoroughly exhausted, she couldn't imagine not being part of the colony leadership team. That role tended to come naturally to her.

Yet now there was an important distinction, those Starfleet regulations that had held her together for years, were no longer the law of the land. There was no chain of command or at least none that remotely resembled Starfleet. While her crew continued to affectionately call her captain, she was no longer their superior officer. She was no longer the only authority figure. As much as that idea appealed to her, it was still taking time for her to adjust.

Tonight, they'd had a barbeque and a bonfire for the entire community at the eastern edge of the settlement near the pine groves. The savory scent of barbequed meat still lingered in the air. Some people were playing musical instruments - guitars, drums and a keyboard, while a few others danced. Cups of spirits were clinked and shared liberally as both former Voyager crew and T'lojans mingled, chatted and laughed together.

After enjoying a delicious meal and visiting with many people, Chakotay guided Kathryn towards a wooden bench near the bonfire. It was a cool night and the warmth of the fire felt wonderful. Sitting beside Chakotay, Kathryn reflected that she'd enjoyed talking with everyone. She found it amusing that they seemed to think she had answers to their problems.

Voyager had been her family for so many years and she treasured that. The crew would always be much more than shipmates to her. Yet she'd had to maintain that professional distance. To stop just short of fully relaxing and being herself with them. She had to maintain order at all costs. She had to project an air of confidence, especially when she didn't feel it.

Hiding her true feelings had become second nature to her.

She realized she'd been leaning against Chakotay's shoulder. And that he'd wrapped an arm around her, pulling her closer. The fabric of his jacket felt soft against her cheek. She appreciated that he was content just sitting with her, that conversation wasn't always necessary.

She had to remind herself that it was okay to snuggle against him, now that he was no longer her subordinate. She didn't have to maintain any rules to set the tone for the crew anymore.

The fragrant smell of burning wood and grilled meat filled the air. She closed her eyes, enjoying the crackle of the flames and the rhythmic rise and fall of Chakotay's chest. She thought about how nice it would be to wake up being this close to him. She tucked her hands beneath his shirt, pressing them against his warm flesh, chuckling as she felt his slight flinch at the coolness of her fingers. Feeling snug and comfortable, her breathing slowed.

She startled.

She must've dozed off. She wondered how long she'd been out of it.

"Ready to go?" Chakotay asked, with a gleam in his eyes. He'd noticed her drifting.

"Yes."

After they stood, he put his arm around her shoulder to guide her. Even though he was pushing their previously set boundaries, she didn't mind. She enjoyed being close to him. She'd been alone for far too long.

Once they reached her lodgings, they paused outside her door.

Since she was on the leadership committee, they'd given her a small apartment with a living area, bedroom and bathroom. Chakotay could've lived in one as well, but he'd decided to bunk in the communal dorms with Ayala and some of the other guys until additional housing became available. He claimed it helped him understand issues that their crew might be dealing with.

At this point, on most nights, Chakotay would kiss her forehead or cheek before he left. And that was about it. That was what she'd been comfortable with.

This time he bent to kiss her lips.

It was a tentative, gentle kiss, at first. But as it continued and they both responded, parting lips with tongues searching for one another, the kiss rapidly became more passionate. Tightly pressed against him, desire flooded Kathryn, which was rapidly followed by a much stronger jolt of fear.

She pushed him aside.

"I…I'm sorry…" she said, breathing heavily.

"Take it slow. I know." The disappointment in his voice was poorly disguised.

She reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Want to have breakfast tomorrow?"

They usually shared at least one meal a day.

"Got an early start. I'm helping with construction. Maybe lunch? If not, I'll see you at the leadership meeting later."

"Okay. Goodnight."

He'd already turned and started walking away.

Frustrated, she slammed the door behind her. It irked her that she didn't understand what was holding her back. Chakotay loved her. And she loved him. She'd been longing to touch him for years. And that kiss was amazing.

So why was she so traumatized by it?