Chapter 4

The next morning, Kathryn purposefully walked past the construction site where Chakotay was working.

There was a lot of work that needed to be done to build a colony. Everyone had job assignments yet most also volunteered for other projects as well. Kathryn and Chakotay participated in leadership, yet he also enjoyed using his hands and working outside. Kathryn assisted with testing at the water treatment facility. Chakotay also talked her into working with him in the communal gardens.

She paused, seeing him in the distance, crouched on a broad beam, suspended above a skeleton structure for a multi-story building. It was a warm day, so he'd already removed his shirt and was busy hammering nails into solid wooden beams.

She couldn't help but admire the view. The well-defined muscles in his back and shoulders. Subtle scarring from injuries she'd have to ask him about. The rich bronze tone of his skin. Then she noticed that a few younger T'lojan women were gathered, watching him as well, with a similar gleam in their eyes.

She didn't care for that.

She was discouraged by her adverse reaction to Chakotay's kiss last night. She didn't understand what was happening. They were no longer captain and first officer. She most definitely wanted him to touch her. And to be in a relationship with him.

Her thoughts had kept her up half the night, her mind spinning in circles. She cared deeply about Chakotay. She loved their renewed closeness, the light touches, the playful flirting, and even his occasional overprotectiveness. She longed to be closer to him. More than anything, she wanted to put the seven years of boxing up her feelings behind her. But as she played through possible words and scenarios trying to figure out how to move forward after last night's tense stalemate, all she felt was inexplicable anxiety and exhaustion.

As she watched the T'lojan women admiring Chakotay's body, she also worried that her window of opportunity might be closing.

XXXXX

(Lunch time, same day)

Kathryn searched the crowded communal cafeteria for Chakotay as she entered, hoping to have lunch with him. When she couldn't find him, she fixed a plate and located some seats by some T'lojan friends.

Even though both of their visions of the future had shown them together as a happy couple with multiple children, Kathryn still worried that Chakotay's patience was wearing thin. That he would tire of waiting for her. And she couldn't blame him. Seven years was a ridiculously long time to put a relationship on hold, especially given their ages.

When she passed by the buffet table on her way to get a drink, she noticed that Chakotay was in line, chatting with one of the T'lojan girls that she'd observed at the construction site. Of course, the woman was younger than her, slim and attractive, with that almost alabaster skin with a hint of lavender, overly large violet pupils, and lustrous plum locks. Even though she was a different species, Kathryn recognized flirting when she saw it.

For an instant, she felt depressed. Had she blown her opportunity for love once again?

Then she got annoyed with herself. She'd had enough. A few months ago, she'd nearly lost Chakotay to Seven of Nine due to her own foolishness. Because she didn't act on her feelings. She wasn't about to put up with that nonsense again. She purposely strode towards them.

Acting more casual than she felt, she said, "Chakotay, I didn't see you earlier. I saved a spot for you. Over by the windows."

His smile grew wider upon seeing her. "Great. I'll be there in a moment."

She couldn't help but possessively grab his arm, marking her territory before the young T'lojan woman. "Want me to get you a drink?"

"Thanks. That'd be great."

XXXXX

(Evening, same day)

Kathryn dressed purposely for dinner that night. Her choice of evening wear sophisticated but mildly seductive. Snug fitting tan trousers and an emerald top that hugged her curves. She'd been running through words all day, trying to figure out how to convey her thoughts and feelings. She missed the feel of his lips on hers.

Mostly, she wanted to tell him the truth about her dilemma in the hopes that it might help them overcome this obstacle.

Chakotay nervously rubbed his hands together as they sat on the ground in the forest, on the outskirts of the settlement. The sun was sinking on the horizon and the stars were just starting to become visible against the darkening sky.

They'd avoided all talk of the previous night at lunch and dinner, sticking to business and trivial matters. But now they'd walked through town in an uneasy silence. Rather than holding her hand as he had over the past weeks, he'd allowed obvious space to reside between them. It was unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

As expected, her reaction to his kiss had upset him. His distance and slightly stilted conversation reflected those feelings.

It had upset her too. Just when she thought her body was finally relaxing and complying with the thoughts taking over her mind, the wave of anxiety that jolted her back into reality had been overwhelming.

So he'd deliberately stepped back to give her space. Unfortunately, it wasn't helping. They needed to figure out how they could move forward because her heart desperately wanted it.

Then before she could speak, he said, "It's okay. If you've changed your mind. If you're not ready." The tremor in his voice revealed how difficult it was for him to say.

She realized that her stark proclamation after dinner that 'we need to talk' had frightened him. That he was steeling himself to be dumped or put back into relationship limbo.

"No. That's not it." She grabbed his hand. "My feelings for you haven't changed. But we need to talk about what happened last night."

"I'm sorry. You weren't ready. It was my fault. I didn't mean to push." His brown eyes were filled with guilt.

"I know." She moved closer to him, tenderly running her fingers along his shoulder. "I need to tell you something."

"Okay." Was his cautious response.

"Something that might help you understand where I'm coming from. Did you know I was engaged to someone else before Mark?"

He wasn't expecting that. "No, I didn't."

"Yes. You know, you think that everyone is allowed one grand passionate love. And Justin was mine. It didn't last long. He died in a terrible accident.

"And it was never that I didn't love Mark. He's a wonderful man and a dear friend. He was there when I really needed him. He will always have a special place in my heart. But it was a more subdued love. One that I thought was indicative of a more mature adult relationship. Passion was for younger people, and I'd already had mine."

Turning to hold his gaze, she said, "I didn't realize that you could experience that kind of love, the kind of love that consumes you, more than once. Until I met you."

Chakotay's expression softened.

"But I couldn't have you. Regulations wouldn't permit it. I couldn't allow it. So I erected barriers to keep my feelings in check."

"So you could protect your reputation and your career. I get it." Though he didn't seem happy about that.

"That's only part of it." She assured him, patting his chest. "And not the most important part. You of all people know that I haven't always abided by regulations."

He chuckled in response to that statement.

"My feelings for you are…complicated. I knew that once I started a relationship with you, once I even acknowledged those feelings, I could never back away. It would never be a casual fling. More like jumping into the deep end of a swimming pool. And I knew I could never balance your needs with the ships."

Chakotay protested. "Kathryn, I'm not that demanding."

"I never said that you were." She stared into his chocolate brown eyes, imploring him to understand. "What I'm saying is, emotionally I couldn't do it. I couldn't let myself take that chance. I didn't think I could handle it. I was terrified that I didn't have enough in me to give to both you and the crew."

Rather than argue the point, Chakotay pointed out. "Regulations are irrelevant here."

"That's right. But years ago, I established some mental blocks to maintain my focus and resist temptation. That's what happened last night. I essentially sabotaged myself with my own booby trap.

"I don't want to live like that anymore. I'm sick of it. I want to tear out those mental blocks. I want to be with you as much as you want to be with me. I want us to be a couple. But I don't know how to do it." Her voice sadly trailed off.

Chakotay gently took her hand. "Just knowing that you want us to be a couple makes me happy. I've waited a while already Kathryn, what's a little longer?" He kissed her fingers lightly.

Feeling his lips brush over her fingers made her shiver. Anticipation of more heightened contact again built in the pit of her stomach. Still, she had no idea how to alter their familiar chaste trajectory without the fear that those negative feelings might return, causing her to push him aside yet again. She didn't want to keep hurting him like that. So she lightly kissed his forehead in return.

Psychology had never been her strength. And she loathed the idea of talking about her feelings with other people.

"Don't worry, we'll figure it out," Chakotay spoke again.

"I guess we'll just have to keep taking it slow." She sighed deeply, with obvious frustration.