Chapter 5

"I'm still the first person to say "fuck you"

but I'm faster to say "I love you."

-Nikki Sixx, Introduction, The Heroin Diaries

As I undressed, my phone double vibrated, letting me know I had a text message. With my jeans in hand, I dug into the left pocket and palmed my phone. The little screen on my LG En-V was on, so I flipped the side up and pressed, "Read." It was from Carlisle.

"Aro sent Persian and China White. Jane is gone. Aro said he'll do something with her. She is no longer a bother to any of us. Enjoy your massage and try to be nice if you can muster it up."

I smirked and flipped my phone back down. Once I was done undressing all the way, I laid my clothes on the small table. Bella will have to get comfortable with me being nude

I looked down at my cock, which was flaccid and looked small, but it wasn't. It was a grower. It always surprised girls whenever they slipped their hands down my pants and felt the small length. Then they looked shocked when they felt it grow its full size: nine inches in length and three inches in girth. I was blessed in the cock department.

I pulled back the beige blanket and white sheets and slid in under them. I laid my head down on my crossed arms for support, waiting for Bella to come back in. The sheets felt like heaven and were some of the softest I'd ever felt. I wondered what count they were. I was half way asleep when I heard a soft knock on the door to alert me that she was back. Once Bella was back in the room, she walked over to what looked like a pillowcase and brought it over to the face cradle of the massage table. She draped it over the cushion and tucked it around the inside curve where my face was going to lay. I moved up and lightly placed my face on the cushion, instantly wanting to fall asleep.

She lit a tea light that was nestled in a candleholder on the little table in the corner that I had missed and then flipped the light switch off, automatically giving the room a warm glow from the candle. From somewhere in the room, ethereal music filled my ears that drew me further into wanting to fall asleep. I felt light pressure at the base of my neck and lower back as Bella was grounding herself, taking in some deep breaths and exhaling them, while asking me to do the same. Once that was done, she pulled the blanket and sheets back to almost the top of my ass crack, as her soft little hands never left my body.

Her touch was soft yet very firm as her hands glided down my back. She applied a little pressure on my lower back, before coming back up to slide around the width of my shoulders, rounding the front of them, and then coming up to my neck, as she applied pressure as the base of my skull. The shit felt amazing. My muscles were sighing with relief as the tension that I didn't know I held was released.

She made several strokes up and down my back and did some kneading to warm up my muscles. I hated the fact that I wasn't as built as I was six months ago because I have lost twenty pounds. There was still muscle, just not as much as I would like; but I loved Smack just a little bit more. I knew once this massage was over I would need another hit.

Bella's pressure started to increase, getting in deeper along the spine of my scapula and the muscles that attached from my scapula to my spine. It felt like the knots were glued to the bone and it was somewhat uncomfortable. She kept telling me to take deep breathes as holding my breath would make it worse by making the muscles tighter. She stroked from the top of my scapula to the side of my neck. Damn, I did not know I was this fucked up. She was chastising me for being dehydrated, and I most likely was.

I heard her shaking something hot beside me. I felt the heat roll off whatever it was. She placed what felt like a warm towel on my back and started kneading the towel all along my back, like a cat kneading its paws. The shit felt like heaven. Then it suddenly got cold as she pulled the towel away from me.

"I put the towel on you to apply more heat to the muscles to make them more pliable and to see if there are any more knots I need to work on," she whispered to me. I sighed and slightly nodded my head in understanding.

It felt like she worked on my back forever and the firm pressure wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been before she placed that hot towel on me. I was in a restful state at that point; she was done with my back and moved onto my leg and hip area. Her little hands were doing wonders and she didn't seem skittish over my complete nudity as she worked the tightness in my upper hip area.

She kept everything covered, but I kept squirming around every so often, trying to get my erection in a comfortable place. I knew her touch was going to do that to me, even though I knew her touch wasn't sexual. But it was her scent. The vanilla frosting scent seemed to have accumulated in the small room and was urging my hard on.

I was almost half-asleep, when I felt her arrange the sheets so that half of my body was exposed and somewhat cold. Her hand made a pumping sound on the bottle that stored the massage oil. Within seconds of getting more oil, her hands were back on my calves, slowly working their way up to the top of my shoulders and neck, applying long strokes upon my naked flesh and switching from her hands to her elbows and back again.

She did this several times on my right side before moving to my left. It was then that she noticed my squirming from having to adjust my cock. I felt her hands hesitate and her breath catch. When she finally let it out, it was ragged, like she was getting worked up.

A smile crept up on my lips, as my hearing didn't deceive me. My exposed left hand slowly moved until it bumped up against her thigh. Slowly and carefully, I ran my thumb up and down her leg as far as my thumb would go. Her breath hitched again, causing a small, almost silent gasp to escape from her lips. It didn't take her long to notice her lapse in judgment and she went back to acting as if nothing happened, by giving the oil bottle another pump and mimicking what she had done on my right side.

Nothing I just did was extreme. My actions were so innocent that it surprised me. Bella took one last, long stroke with her elbow from my back down to my left calf, and then shook my left leg all the way up before she covered me. As she was walking around to where my head was, I started feeling jitters in my right hand. I might have to end the massage sooner than I wanted.

Bella bent down to my ear to ask me to turn over and move down until my head was on the table. Surprisingly, it was somewhat difficult to do, as my head was in a fog. Once I was on my back, my head lolled to the left and I went back into my haze of sleepy awareness. Through my haze, I felt her move the cushion that had been supporting my feet when I was lying prone to up under my knees.

My head felt like it was swimming and then floating. It was like I was high without taking anything. It was absolute ecstasy. I had found a new joy in life and didn't want to share it with anyone else.

Something warm soothed my feet and then my hands, pulling me deeper into the haze. It felt like mittens and booties, but heated. I was fine lying here like this; Bella didn't even need to touch me.

There was a little shuffling above my head as she placed her hands on the upper part of my chest. Her face was just above mine. That scent of vanilla frosting smothered me, making my dick harder than what it had been. Bella gasped. I knew she saw the tent I made out of the covers. A small smile played upon my lips. It was odd how I was in this haze, but was still aware of my surroundings, like Bella's warm breath, which smelled of mint as it rolled across my face.

"You smell amazing, like cake frosting," I mumbled. I saw the corners of her mouth turn up as mine did. As she was working on my neck by curling her fingers over and over, I softly rubbed the inside of her wrist with my nose. She either didn't mind or was acting like she didn't notice it. I was going to have to take my time with her.

* * *

Perfection. That is what I had in my hands. My composure had almost faltered several times during this session with Cullen. Carnal lust was overcoming me. My brain and my vagina were partnered up, but my heart was shutting its door, locking it up, pulling down the shades, and turning off every light it had on. Self- preservation was going to be my only saving grace, and I didn't have much of it. The soft strokes on my leg with his thumb and the soft caress of my wrist with the tip of his nose, I found to be oddly erotic.

However, I put myself back into my professional state of mind quickly and silently told myself what I had noticed. His poor body was a wreck with bruises spattered in various places and severely dehydrated. His muscles were as if several ropes tied together and bunched up. It was going to take several sessions to start noticing any significant improvement.

The way his head was lolling around had me confused. Was it from the massage or did he lie to me about taking any kind of drugs prior to the massage? If it were any narcotic, it would remain in his body for days and since massage speeds up the body's blood flow, he could wind up leaving our session feeling higher than what he possibly already was.

I had little experience with people who did drugs, so I was going to have to start paying attention. I did not want to chance harming anyone.

His groans grew louder as I started massaging his scalp, working my fingers through the wayward, super sex hair. His beautiful, full lips were lightly pulled back as low animalistic groans rumbled out. I was trying not to let my eyes wander down to the raised area of the blanket. The damn thing was massive for a dick, almost like a baby's arm at full salute. It could almost classify as a weapon as my mind wandered to the thought that it could pull its trigger in me. I coughed at the idea, making him quirk his right brow in question.

"You okay, Bella?" he mumbled.

"Yes. My throat is a little dry."

He smirked and grumbled so low I could barely make out what he said.

"I think I can fix that."

I closed my eyes and ignored that statement.

I moved from his head area and made my way down to his arms and upper chest. Every muscle on his body was beautifully carved and smooth, like alabaster. My breathing was accelerated and no matter how hard I tried to get myself under control, it was slowly starting to slip. His lips were moving but no sound was coming out.

A small part of me wanted to know what he was silently speaking. As if he read my mind, he spoke words that sounded like poetry.

"Ah! light lovely lady with delicate lips aglow, With breast more white than a branch heavy-laden with snow, When my hand was uplifted at Mass to salute the Host, I looked at you once, and the half of my soul was lost."

It was beautiful, but I didn't know if he was speaking to me or just thinking aloud, so I didn't say anything. He noticed my silence and looked at me through half closed eyes as I massaged his left thigh. I tried very hard not to look at the colossal lift in the covers that was right above my hands.

"That was Irish poetry that I just rambled. Robin Flower's "At Mass". Do you like poetry, Bella?" he softly asked me. I cleared my throat and kept my eyes on my hands as I answered.

"Yes, I do. That poem sounds familiar, as if I've read it before in a poetry book that I have. You don't seem like the kind who would be into poetry."

"Why do you say that? I do write songs about love, you know."

"I guess I'm stereotyping. It's rude of me to do so. Please excuse me."

"There's a lot about me you don't know," he grumbled.

I pulled the foot booties off his feet as I sat down on my cushioned stool to massage his feet. I bit my bottom lip to keep from laughing when I noticed his feet were neat from a fresh pedicure. It shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. When I looked down at my side, I saw my bottle of massage oil. I did not like using oil on feet, so I got up and went to get my peppermint foot lotion.

It felt like as I turned my back on Cullen, he had fixed his eyes on my ass, but when I turned around his eyes were closed. Weird.

Cullen let out breathy moans as I slid my thumb up the arch of his left foot. There had been crystals in some spots on his feet, which indicated problem areas. I wasn't going to explain that to him as most people found reflexology confusing. It was embarrassing that his feet were perfect and mine looked abused as they were dry, my heels were cracked, and my toes were sans polish, even clear.

It didn't take me long to massage his feet, so I covered them, went around his body doing compression movements, and ended with a final scalp massage. From his steady and low breathing, I knew he was sleeping. His erection had subsided, but I could still see the outline of his cock. I had no idea how he was able to fit that monstrous attachment of his inside of a girl. For some bizarre curiosity, I wondered if it could fit inside of me. I mean women had babies vaginally, so it must stretch to accommodate large dicks.

It might be uncomfortable at first, but once he got moving and the vaginal walls were slick with the secretions, it must feel like heaven. My eyes couldn't stop staring and my mind wouldn't quit wondering. A noise from below startled me. I gasped when I looked down and saw Cullen staring at me with sleepy eyes and a crooked smile playing upon his lips.

"See something you like?" he asked me.

"I was just remembering how nice your feet were. Do you get pedicures?" I stammered.

"Sure you were thinking about my feet and yes, I do get pedicures," he teased, as he stretched his arms above his head. "That was, I must say, the best massage I've ever had. I feel as if I've snorted ten lines of Snow."

"Snow makes you feel high?" I asked like an idiot.

Cullen snorted and just shook his head at me.

"Well, Cullen, I'm going to step out so you can get dressed and will bring back some water. You have to keep yourself properly hydrated to flush out the toxins that I released."

I rubbed my wrists and looked around awkwardly before stepping out of the room.

There was no problem with getting bottled water. There was a refrigerator on the bus filled with them, along with a twelve pack of canned Mountain Dews and several types of beer. I was definitely going to hit up a few of the Heinekens once my shift was over. When I turned around, I saw several little plastic baggies filled with what looked like sugar or salt lying on the table in the lounge. I thought that was an odd way to store sugar, but I shrugged my shoulders and didn't bother to question anything.

Cullen was sitting up on my table with only his jeans on and a sleepy look on his face. His body was swaying from side to side. It was almost as if he was drunk but I didn't smell any alcohol on his breath. That made me start to definitely suspect he hadn't told me everything, but I couldn't exactly accuse of him it until I had more proof. I gave him a tight smile and handed over the bottled water. He took it slowly out of my right hand and almost dropped it, as his grip wasn't tight enough.

"Cullen, are you doing okay?" I asked with a worried tone. He lifted his left brow at me and nodded his head.

I bent over to get more sheets from my bag when I felt his hand lightly stroke my ass. Definitely caught off guard, I gasped and grabbed the little table to stable my balance. His hand was slowly working up from my ass to underneath my shirt, his fingertips barely dusting the skin on my lower back. It was like another being possessed me, for I whimpered and my breath was caught in my throat. I heard the creaking of my table as he stood. I dropped the sheets back into my bag and slowly got back up, but I couldn't face him.

His hand slowly moved around to my abdomen, splaying his fingers across my stomach, and pulled me back until I was touching him. His left hand crept around my left shoulder, and snaked its way across my chest until it rested upon my right shoulder. I panted…as his nose moved the hair from my neck. He inched closer so his lips could brush their way down to my collarbone and then trailed back up with light, chaste kisses.

"You are intoxicating with your vanilla frosting scent. It almost makes me want to have you mark me with your scent…branding me as yours. But there's not enough want on my end for that to happen. Thank you for the wonderful massage, Bella, he whispered in my ear.

His hands lingered on my skin for a moment longer before they slowly pulled away from my body. I heard him pull his shirt back on and open the door, leaving me struggling to catch my breath. I told myself he was just toying with me, as I was new, and that there wasn't any possibility of there being anything real.

After Cullen, I only massaged two other people for thirty minutes each-Jasper's girlfriend, Alice, who just wanted her feet massaged and Emmett, who just wanted his upper body massaged. When five o'clock came around, John came by to help me pack up my supplies. We didn't talk much, as John was somewhat of a quiet man, so we packed everything up in comfortable silence. He told me to go on ahead to the bus to relax and that he would finish up. I thanked him, walked out of the room, and went out the back door of the club.

There was a ruckus coming from the bus and it startled me. What was I walking in on? Did I even want to know? I took a deep breath and blew it out before stepping on. Everyone seemed to be in the back lounge. There was loud music bellowing down the hall mingled with loud bursts of laughter and the sounds of hands meeting in the air to give high-fives. I hadn't brought any other clothes to change into after work and regretted that decision. I felt out of place.

I sat down on the couch, hunched over with my elbows resting on the top of my knees. Fear pierced through me and I started shaking. How was I supposed to act around Cullen? At the mere thought of him, my throat felt as if it was closing up. I opened my mouth to try and get air out, but nothing was going passed my larynx. My hands were suddenly gripping the cushions, making my knuckles turn white as if the bones wanted to tear through my skin. Perspiration was starting to form a film over my skin, quickly working its way into becoming beads of sweat.

I wanted to run from that spot, but I was locked in place. My muscles were starting to shake from being held in the same position for so long. Nausea was crawling slowly up from my stomach and I was feeling lightheaded, as if I was going to pass out at any moment. Out of nowhere, it felt as if ice was being rubbed on my face and I didn't want it to end. It was a small relief in an abyss of agony. It seemed as if someone was looking into my eyes, but mine were transfixed on nothing, and I couldn't move them to meet the other pair. Something high pitched shrieked through the fog that covered my mind, as if trying to break through.

Warm and firm hands were holding my face, jostling my head and trying to get me to focus on them. The hands moved to my arms, shaking me harder. When my eyes finally were able to focus and see who was assaulting me, they saw it was Cullen. My brain wanted to shut down further, but something colder than ice was rubbed on my face and neck, breaking me free of my struggle. Then my lungs started doing spasms to suck in air as much as they could. I then began to hyperventilate and heard someone whisper to me.

"Bella, please calm down. It's okay. You just need to take some slower breaths." The voice was calming. The person cuddled me into them as rocked me and stroked my hair.

My breathing was calming down to slow shudders and low whimpers. Someone offered me a cold bottle of water and I absent mindedly took it. The cold liquid felt like aloe on sunburned skin. I started to breathe more regularly when Carlisle squatted down in front me and patted my leg.

"Bella, what happened?" he softly asked. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"I don't know, honestly. It felt like I had a panic attack. But I don't know why." My brain told me why, and I refused to look up at his face, as I knew it would be heavy with concern.

"Hey Bella, would you like a beer? Maybe that will help ease things," Emmett asked. I looked up at him and gave him a smile.

"Cool, which one would you like?"

"Heineken." He gave me thumbs up and walked back to the lounge.

I turned around to see who was holding me and saw the little pixie girl, Alice. She was still stroking my hair and lightly rocking me side to side. I closed my eyes to settle my nerves and opened them to find Cullen staring at me.

"You're going to be okay, right? You don't need a Xanax or any shit like that, do you?" he nervously asked me.

"No, Cullen, I'm fine. I think a beer will do. I've just had a very….too much excitement is all," I calmly told him.

Emmett came back with my beer and handed it to me. I took a long pull on it after I got it opened. Alice finally sat me back up, but didn't leave my side, while Cullen was still sitting on his knees in front me with his hands on my thighs. Everyone else, Rosie, Jasper, and Jake were quietly standing behind the others. Carlisle looked at me with concern.

"Would you like to join us in the back while the boys play Guitar Hero?" he evenly asked.

"Yes, I would. Thank you."

Alice stood up and extended her left hand, waiting for me to take it. I looked down at Cullen who narrowed his eyes at her. Alice just smirked and settled her eyes back on me. I took her hand and she pulled me up, astonishing me with her strength.

"Come, Bella. Let's get you back there to relax and have some fun."

We started down the hall to the lounge, but as I walked with Alice, I looked back to see Cullen sitting in the floor with his back resting on the couch, while his arms were stretched out along the cushions as his head hung back with his eyes closed, as if deep in thought. I drew a small tight smile and looked back towards the lounge. I could have sworn I heard him grumble a "fuck you" as I walked away.