A/N: Thank you everyone for reviews, I love them. Enjoy the new chapter....I have added my music playlist of bands that I listen to while writing HL to my profile. I will add to it as I go along. I will also be adding YouTube links to videos of the bands.

Thanks to my beta adt216 and pre-reader lambcullen. Big kisses, you two.

Chapter 9

"But I justify my desire to no one

I won't deny that I need it bad to go on."

-'Nothing Else Remains,' Poisonblack

E. (Cullen)

She knew my damn first name. How the fuck did Bella know that? No one in the public knew it. Carlisle made damn sure no one would find out after I had it legally changed to Cullen Masen, while Emmett and Carlisle still used Masen for professional purposes. Bella looked at me as if I was a stupid fuck, apparently waiting on me to say something.

"How did you know my old first name?" I asked with a hint of annoyance.

"You know damn well we're from the same town. Forks isn't exactly a metropolis. Why don't you like going by your first name?" Bella replied sarcastically.

"Why do you care? What's it to you? Legally, Cullen Masen is my name. That is what you will you call me, in private and publicly. Don't ever say that other name to me again. Do you understand, Ms. Swan?" I reprimanded.

Bella furrowed her eyebrows and slowly nodded replying, "Yeah, sure. I didn't mean to disrespect you and I surely didn't know that your old name was an issue. No one ever said anything."

"Well, last night you said you did your research about us. Evidently, you didn't research enough. Everyone in that damn town knows not to call me by that name. My father had it legally changed before I turned eighteen. And before it was changed legally I had stopped using it. Now what did you want to talk about? It must be about last night. Am I correct?" I chastised.

Her face twisted into a look of pure fury, piss, and vinegar. I knew what I had done last night was fucked up. But at the time I hadn't known what I was doing.

"You fucking bastard! You had a goddamn shotgun barrel in my FACE! And now, you have the fucking balls to talk to me in that tone of voice? You could have killed any one of us. Are you even sorry or do you really not give a fuck?" she screamed at me.

I knew I had no right to scream or be an asshole to her.

"Of course I care and if I didn't give a fuck, I wouldn't have agreed with the rest of the group about wanting you to stay. If I really didn't give a fuck, I would have told the driver to pull this damn bus over, grabbed your shit, and left you standing by the side of the fucking road. But no, you're here, with us.

"For the short time you've been with us, we have all taken to you. And for what I did, I am sorrier than you know. I can't say that episodes like that aren't going to happen, because they have in the past, but never to the point where I pointed my gun in a person's face," I said as my hands clenched the sofa cushions.

Anger hung in the air. Bella's knuckles were turning white from gripping the top of her laptop, and mine were starting to ache from grabbing the cushions for so long. Her nostrils flared slightly and she was violently chewing her bottom lip. If she didn't stop, her lip would be bloody and raw.

"Are you planning on leaving any skin on your bottom lip?" I asked under my breath.

"What?" she asked in a bitter tone, as she narrowed her eyes at me.

I slightly laughed, brought my hands up to my face, and wiped away the morning funk.

"Look, I'm sorry for going off on you about saying my old name. You didn't know. And I just don't know what to say about last night. I feel sick to my stomach for pulling my shotgun on you. Bella, please tell me what you're feeling?" I begged.

"Cullen, I don't know what I feel. I haven't known what or how to feel about you since I first met you. There have been times where I knew you were fucked up, and you didn't harm me. You were kind to me, like when you kissed me when you were high, or when we went to that hotel room together to get showers. However, last night scared the shit out of me.

"Then, there are those times when you haven't been entirely fucked up and you were still able to act like a regular human being. But last night….has made me confused," she said with a tremble in her voice.

I wiped my hands on my jeans and stood up. Bella looked up at me with worried eyes. I pointed to the empty space beside her and raised a brow in question. She looked over at the space and nodded. With ease, I sat down beside her feet, rested my elbows on the top of my knees, and looked over at her. My fingers clasped as my thumbs made a steeple.

Her emotions seemed calmer and her eyes had softened. I unclasped my left hand and turned it palm side up, offering it to her. Bella looked down and smiled gently, as she joined her small right hand into my left one. I stroked my thumb over the top of it in slow, careful strokes. She needed a kind of solace that only I was able to give her. With every ounce of comfort that Alice had given her, this relief was only something I could offer, since I had been the one to put her through that torment.

Small tears started rolling down her porcelain face. Bella wiped them away with the back of her left hand. I would have, but I didn't want to push the boundaries. She sniffled and looked back up at me with red-rimmed eyes. I felt my heart clench in my chest from knowing that I put that look in her eyes. Once again, I was left with the consternation of wondering why I cared so much. I lowered my gaze, breaking the connection that our eyes had formed. My mouth had set in a hard line and I felt my eyes harden as well. Being unsure of something always vexed me.

Yes, there was sexual tension between us, more than there should be. My soul was charred and tainted with vile memories of things that I do not regret doing. And at this moment in time I could not say I would ever stop doing them. That is another reason why whatever is going on between us needs to stop, but how do we do that? I'm not monogamous, never had a reason to be, so the concept is foreign and unappealing to me. Then there was my absolute devotion, adoration, deep carnal love for my Golden Girl. No one could compare.

Little, soft movements were being drawn on the top of my hand, pulling me out of my thoughts. Bella's normally brown eyes were simmering with a faint gold hue and had softened considerably around the edges. Her mouth was set in a half smile as her cheeks glistened from the stain of her tears.

"A penny for your thoughts?" she whispered timidly.

I huffed as I smiled crookedly at her and licked my lips.

"Whatever they are, I can assure you that you do not want to hear them. My mind is a dark place, Bella. I don't know what you saw yesterday or what you joined in on, but I don't make any excuses for what I do. I enjoy what I do. I won't make any promises because I will not stop doing what I do. I justify my desires to no one. And knowing that should make me leave you alone, but I still want to see what happens here."

Bella stared at me with an expression I wasn't sure how to read. What she asked next silenced me.

"Cullen, were you fucking some girl on top of a bunch of cases yesterday behind a bus? I think I saw you while we were sitting around drinking and smoking."

Pieces of yesterday were coming back to me, but everything after the show and me getting back on the bus was an abyss. Therefore, the notion of Bella catching me fucking some random girl wasn't entirely impossible.

"It might have happened. Events from yesterday are fuzzy, except for what happened after I came back to the bus after the show. But wait a minute, how fucked up did you get yesterday?" That had me curious.

"Let's just say I somewhat recall sitting around in my jean shorts and my bra, but I've forgotten how I got my shirt back or where it was. I do remember seeing you all perform and the lead singer of Godsmack eye-fucking me. But everything after the show is a complete mystery. But, I must confess something to you," she said, as her face turned red as an apple.

"It must be something big for you to be turning the color of a lobster," I teased.

"Well, um….I had a dream that we fucked all over the back lounge. I mean there wasn't an area our bodies didn't touch. Yet, at the same time, it felt real. Like it really happened," she murmured.

I raised my left brow as I slowly licked my bottom lip and smiled.

"What?" she squeaked.

"That must have been some dream."

I couldn't finish what I going to say because we heard a sudden shrill scream echo throughout the bus.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT STICKY, GELATINOUS GUNK THAT IS HALF WAY DRIED ON THE SOFA?" Alice screamed.

Bella and I ran back to the lounge and found poor Alice wiping off her face with a look of total disgust. Emmett put down the guitar controller and went to inspect the material. Jasper walked over to Alice with a wet paper towel and began slowly cleaning her face. Carlisle looked over at me with a questioning smirk. I shrugged and shook my head. Bella went over to Alice to try to help.

"Holy shit….that better not be what I think it is. Who is the sick fuck that didn't clean up their cum?" Emmett asked in aggravation.

Carlisle looked at me and once again, I shrugged my shoulders. Alice's eyes rounded into two blue-green hazel saucers and her mouth turned down in disgust.

"Who the fuck did that? Whose cum did I have on my face?" she spoke in a tear filled voice.

Bella looked at me with her right brow raised and motioned with a nod for us to return to the front. Jasper told Bella he would care for Alice and that she could go.

When Bella came back, I was already sitting back down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. She sat down next to me but didn't make eye contact, her eyes stayed on the floor. Several minutes passed before I could even think of anything to say. Was it possible that Bella's dream was real?

"Do you think your dream actually happened, Bella?" I whispered.

Bella cleared her throat and looked up at me. I met her eyes with a questioning glance.

"Like I said, the dream felt real. I did wake up sore last night when you were…out of it. My hips, legs, and groin area were sore, but I didn't think anything of it," she rasped.

Alice stalked down the hallway and threw something in my face. Her impish face snarled in anger.

"You little fuck! That's some nasty whore's boy shorts. At least she had the nerve to wear decent ones, since they are Victoria's Secret. That shit's disgusting, Cullen. I had your cum on my face."

Alice stared at me for another second or two before storming back down the hall. Jasper met her at the entrance of the lounge, looked down at me, and shook his head as I saw Jake lift his middle finger up in the air. That little shit was asking to get his ass kicked.

Bella sat with a stunned look on her face, her blinking eyelids being the only movement she made. I balled up the boy shorts and threw them on the floor at my feet.

"Cullen…those are my lavender boy shorts," she whispered harshly.

My head snapped at her words and gasped at what she was implying. The evidence was mounting and it pointed to us having had sex.

"Bella, please tell me you're on birth control."

"I have an IUD in. I have a feeling that a condom wasn't used if Alice woke up in a half dried cum stain."

"Bella, I make sure I wear a condom at all times when I fuck a girl. Maybe the cum dripped out of the condom, but if that didn't happen, I swear I am clean. I get tested every three months for everything," I assured her.

"Well Cullen, I know I'm clean. It's been awhile since I've had sex and that time was protected. So, what are we to do now?" she asked.

Honestly, there's nothing we could do about it. My only regret is that I don't recall any of it, but I'm not going to start purposely seducing her.

"Like I've been saying, Bella. Let whatever happens, happen. If promises start being made and I cannot…I don't want to ruin anything by making them. Let's just have fun and enjoy our time together over the summer."

I leaned over and wrapped my left arm around Bella's back, pulling her into my chest. She didn't hesitate or have any reservations, so I relaxed my arm more, pulled her in tighter, and placed a kiss on the top of her head. Her hair had the vanilla frosting smell, which drove my senses crazy. I would try my damnedest not to traumatize her again, she was…sweet, but was not as pure as she once was.

"Cullen, with as many chemicals you put in your body yesterday, is it possible that you could still be high right now?" Bella whispered.

"Well, I feel a slight haze, but it's nowhere near like the initial intake. I'm coherent enough. Why do you ask that?" I asked as I laid my cheek on her head.

"Just curious. Like I said before, the only drug I've ever done is pot."

"Let your curiosity stop right there," I scolded.

"Cullen, if I want to try something, I will. At least being with you all, I'll be in a somewhat controlled environment," she retorted.

"Wait a minute. Let's not dive into this head first. One…drug at a time, if you're actually insisting on experimenting. It's not like we're going to have scheduled drug sessions or anything. And why are we even discussing this?" I said as I scratched my head.

Bella looked up at me and laughed. It was as if we were talking about her trying out sushi for the first time. I shook my head and leaned it back on the sofa. Bella balled up against me with her arms wrapped around my waist and her head in my lap. My left hand was softly stroking her hair, which almost had a calming effect. We stayed in the same positions for a long while before my stomach started grumbling.

"I better go in the back and get my food, if Emmett hasn't eaten it yet. Do you want to come with me or you going to stay up here?" I asked.

"I think I'll stay up here and play Scrabble on Pogo."

I groaned.

"Go eat and once you're back, I'll set up a private table for us," she offered. I roughed up her hair, kissed the top of her head, and walked off towards the lounge.

* * *

B.

As I watched Cullen walk away towards the back of the bus, I sighed. He was trying to make something that was complicated uncomplicated. He was right, we had sex, and there's nothing we could do about it. I'm not going to lie and say I don't look forward to doing it again- and hopefully remember doing it. It also doesn't mean I have forgotten what he did with his shotgun, even though I know he wasn't mentally all there. That wasn't something I could easily push aside. Does that make me as fucked up as the rest of the group on this bus? I'm sure it does.

Alice had been a surprising comfort. She was sweet and too damn cute for words with her flipped layered brown hair, pixyish nose and pretty blue and green eyes. Just then, I remembered she was supposed to have left yesterday. I was going to have to ask her what happened. My dream from last night was still haunting my thoughts; I knew I could tell Alice about it and she wouldn't say a word to anyone.

Another sigh escaped my lips and I logged onto my account and went to the Scrabble game. While I was waiting for it to load, Jessica popped up on IM. She was my gossip girl.

"Hey, puddin' pop! How's life traveling with rock stars?"

"It's not that glamorous. Trust me. The taking a bath every two to three days isn't pretty."

"Ew! That's nasty, Bellsie."

"Anyway…Jessie. Do you know why Cullen doesn't go by Edward anymore?"

"Oh, wow…I haven't heard anyone call him that in years. I don't really know. The Cullen family are actually super private people."

I chewed on the inside of my right cheek before blowing out an aggravated breath.

"Oh well. How are things back in Forks?"

"Oh, you know, Forks is on the cutting edge of being the next big thing."

"Ah. Not missing much, then."

"Not really. Well, B. I have to get going. If you're on later, I'll IM you. Love you."

Jess signed off before I could say bye.

Just as the Scrabble game was about to load, Cullen came thundering down the hallway with a murderous stare. My breath caught midway up and I stopped moving. He fell down onto the empty space across from me and rested his face in his right hand. He was so wound up that I could see the pulse beating in the side of his neck and his chest rising and falling in hurried breaths. The muscles in his jaw were clenched and I could hear his back teeth grinding when he finally opened his eyes and looked over at me.

"I'm not mad at you," he flatly stated.

I closed my laptop and reached over to lay my hand on his bent left elbow.

"What happened back there? I didn't hear any commotion."

"Jake starting shit is all. He's assigned himself, I guess, as your bodyguard. Then my father told Jake to calm down, that you don't need a watchman. Carlisle stepped in before things escalated more than it already was. Jake's been a little shit as of late, which is not like him."

I remembered Jake telling me that he was keeping a secret from everyone. I wondered if the anxiety and frustration of keeping it was starting to bother him more.

"They didn't figure out it was me back there with you, did they?" I softly spoke.

"Oh no. If that was the case, my father would be up in my face. Like it's any of his business. We're two consenting adults," he whispered.

I didn't know why we were whispering, everyone in the back was occupied with Guitar Hero. I wish they would find another game to play. Cullen blew out a breath and clapped his hands together as if clearing the air of negativity.

"How about that game of Scrabble?" he said with a boyish grin.

I laughed and opened my laptop back up.

After several games of Scrabble, in which Cullen won all but one, we decided to join the others in the back. As we walked down the hall, Cullen nonchalantly took my hand, entwined my fingers with his, and held our clasped digits behind his back as we entered the lounge. I peeked over his back and noticed everyone shift their eyes toward us and then back to what they were doing. I pulled my fingers out of Cullen's hand without much resistance so I could walk over to Alice.

Alice looked up from the book she was reading, which was "Angels and Demons", and gave me her infectious, sugary smile. She placed her bookmark in the fold and closed the book, while opening her arms wide so I could sit inside her embrace. For someone so tiny, Alice was surprisingly strong. She crushed me into her little body. She placed tiny kisses on my hair and squeezed harder.

"Alice, could you please ease up on the squeezing? You're going to leave an imprint of me on your ribs," I mumbled.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry, B. I'm just so happy to see you." She wiggled closer to me and leaned into my ear.

"Have the both of you talked about what happened?" she whispered.

I looked into her eyes and nodded. Before it slipped my mind, I wanted to ask her what happened yesterday when Rose left and she didn't.

"Hey, Alice, yesterday I thought Rose and you had to leave to go back to work. Did something go wrong with your job?" I softly asked.

"Ah, I told my boss to shove the job up her ass. I got tired of dealing with girls in high school and pissy customers. Plus, I couldn't miss that start of Loxley Screws's summer tour. Rose was pissed that she had to go back, but she just bought a new BMW SUV and those payments are not cheap. But she just can't go for simplicity like an Accord or a Camry. So we're almost to Albuquerque, what would you like for us to do? We need a girl's day out."

Alice beamed.

I looked over at Carlisle and he was checking the schedule. He met my eyes and smiled.

"Bella, I have you down to work three hours, maybe four if you want to. I guess that leaves Alice and you with about two hours of shopping or whatever you girls do," he said with a quick laugh.

Alice clapped her hands and was squeeing.

"Why are you so happy about shopping with me?" I said cautiously.

"Bella, you're a cute girl with cute clothes, but we need to…um…add more life to your wardrobe. Don't worry; I won't make you look whorish. We'll leave that to the groupies."

I laughed and looked over at Cullen. He was talking to Jasper about something that was on a piece of paper. Sensing my stare, he looked up, licked his lips slowly, and winked at me with one of his grass green irises. I pulled my attention back to Alice who had grabbed her laptop and was searching for places to shop, in other words…a mall.

Jasper and Cullen were making out the song list and the others were occupied with their laptops, so I got up and went back to the front. I had a backpack up front with a change of work clothes in them. They were my usual- solid colored shirt and khaki shorts with white tennis shoes. Alice was right; my wardrobe outside of my work clothes needed sprucing up. I sighed and started self-deprecating over my plainness.

I slammed the backpack down onto the floor beside the sofa and tossed myself backwards, hitting the back of the sofa. My posture was horrible with the slouching, but I didn't care in that moment. I looked down at my toenails, saw they were still a pretty pink, and not chipped. At least I had that going for me.

Cullen walked back down the hallway with a crooked smile on his face carrying two bottles of Heineken, a baggy full of something white and a small tray. Why was he going to mix beer and sugar? He noticed my look of disgust and laughed.

"What's that face for? It's twisting around the prettiness of your face?" he smiled down at me.

"Why are you mixing beer and sugar? And I'm not pretty, I'm plain," I scowled.

"B, this isn't sugar. And yes, you are very pretty. You don't need to hide behind ten pounds of makeup to make yourself pretty. You're natural," he replied before he took a sip of beer and handed me the other one.

"Well, if that isn't sugar, then is it what I think it is?" I asked.

Cullen huffed and placed the baggy of powder between us on the sofa cushion with the tray.

"Yes, it's cocaine. I was going to do a few lines and I thought you might want to try just a tiny bit," he said cautiously as he looked up at me through his long eyelashes.

I held my breath and instantly felt butterflies in my stomach. My nerves tightened, but I knew he wouldn't give me too much. After what happened last night, after my dream…I couldn't stop myself from wanting to trust him.

I took a deep breath and nodded. Cullen grinned and took another sip of beer before setting it down on the floor next the sofa. He reached into his right jeans pocket, pulled out a covered razor blade and a piece of a plastic straw, and placed them next to the tray. I watched as he opened the baggy and emptied the powder onto the black tray into a pile.

He lightly shook the tray to thin out the pile of cocaine. Once he had it thinned out, he uncovered the blade and started chopping the powder into several thin lines. The last one he chopped up was about as small as the tip of my pinky finger. Cullen picked up the piece of plastic straw and handed it to me.

"You ready?" he asked with a raised brow, as his finger held down a nostril on his nose.