For what seems like the millionth time, I am in the hospital, faced with the possibility of losing someone I love. I rush into her room and I see her, lying on the bed, eyes closed mouth slack with tubes down her throat. The monitor slowly beeps, and I walk over to the chart that continuously prints out of it. I see where she flatlined not too long ago. I keep listening. Beep. Beep. Beep. I wait for its falter. I wait for one long continuous never-ending beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Mom? Please don't go."
Beep. I crawl into the bed with her, careful not to pull on any of her wires lest I hear that long beep. Beep. Beep. "I need you mom. You can't just leave. I need you." I ignore the tears that fall. I would normally try to stop them, but I see no point in trying. There is no one I need to be strong for in this room. I can't be strong for anyone. I just need my mother.
"You're a grandma. And my mom. And you took care of my family when I didn't. You kept Amy warm when you took her outside. You can't leave. You're all I have left mom. Our whole life is gone, but I have you. Please. Please." Beep. Beep.
"Do you remember? Just after daddy died. I crawled in your lap. You were so sick. So far away. And I was so tired and hungry. So I crawled into your lap and just wrapped my arms around you. Do you remember? You hugged me back. You held onto me so tightly while I just cried and cried. You didn't say one word. I guess you couldn't. But still. You held me. Please." I wrap my arms around her and cry some more, reliving the past. Beep. Beep.
"Momma. I love you. Please." Beep. Beep. Beep...there it is.
They dragged me out, kicking and screaming. They tossed me into the hallway while they went to work on my mother. Peeta collected me off of the floor, still thrashing like a maniac. He stands there, me in his arms, letting me let go. I scream obscenities I have not uttered in years. I throw out carefully locked away words against my mother, against Haymitch, against everyone. Somewhere though, in the back of mind, through this haze, I know not to mention Peeta. I am not so far gone as to know the damage one foul word from me can do. And with this realization I am pulled into the present. Although the victims of my anger are not anywhere near, I am sobbing apologies.
"I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it Peeta." He runs his hand along my hair. "Shh. I know. I know you didn't."
"Mrs. Mellark?"
I lift my head from Peeta's shoulder. I can hardly see anything through the veil of tears. "We've stabilized her."
Stabilized her. She's alive. She's still alive. I bring my hand to mouth as the bile rises forth. Peeta releases me and I run for the bathroom. There is no holding it back this time. I vomit into the toilet bowl, clinging to the sides as everything in my system is dispersed. My hands shaking, I flush the contents of my stomach down the drain. Clutching my abdomen, I stumble out of the bathroom and back into the hall.
Peeta is in the chair, his head in his hands. Amy is still somehow asleep in her stroller. She could sleep through anything it seems like. When he hears me, he jumps out of his chair and crushes me to his chest.
"She's alive Katniss. She's alive." He shakes me a little. "Breathe Katniss!" I let out a breath I hadn't processed I was holding in. He holds me away from him, probing my eyes with his own. "Katniss, are you alright?"
I'm starting to feel sick again and I shake my head when the room starts to spin. I feel myself go limp in his arms and hardly hear him call for a doctor when everything just goes dark.
When I come to, this time I am hooked up to a machine. I begin to hyperventilate. Where is Peeta? Amy? Is my mother alive? Is Haymitch okay? What is going on? A door to my left open and Peeta emerges with Amy. My breathing returns to its normal rate, but my questions continue to grow.
"Peeta?"
I reach forward but the stiffness in my joints forces me to wince. "How long have I been asleep?"
"Just over a day," is his response.
I ignore the stiffness now and sit up. "What! What have I missed?"
Peeta hands me Amy and I notice I had reached for her. When would I stop forgetting to remember my actions? I cradle her to me and she plays with my hair.
"They're both fine. Your mother was reacting negatively to the change in her body, but the doctor says she'll pull through just fine. She may be a little weaker now, get winded a little easier, but she will be just fine. And Haymitch has shown no signs of any kind of rejection."
Every single weight on my chest lifts and floats towards the sky. It isn't until Amy tugs a little on the IV in my arm that I remember my own predicament.
"What's wrong with me?"
Peeta looks so unsure of himself. I'm terrified. Am I sick? I do feel clammy. And I have been incredibly dizzy lately. He smiles a little, but still can't seem to find the words. What would have Peeta speechless? It can't be bad, right, not if he smiled?
"Peeta, what's going? Why are you afraid to tell me?"
He shifts his weight off of his prosthetic leg and reaches one hand behind his neck. He blushes a little.
"Katniss, you're pregnant."
It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. I can't be pregnant. Not again. A mother of two? This was never my plan! A mother of two. I am hardly able to mother my daughter. I can't be pregnant again! After everything I put my body and Peeta through during my pregnancy with Amy, I simply can't do it again. Even so…I don't feel that terror inside me. Not like the last time at least. It's still there, but it isn't dominant. Peeta lays his hand across my stomach and tilts my chin so that I'm looking into his eyes. His eyes, which are so blue, bluer even now with the tears in them.
"Katniss?"
He sounds thrilled, but behind the thrill I can hear the fear. I put that fear there; I am the reason why this joyous occasion is laced with dread. I can't become that awful version of myself again. I am Katniss Mellark and I will remain strong in the face of terror. I can do this. I did it once. I can do it again.
And then it's as if Peeta's joy makes its way into me. I feel the fright melt away, inch by inch, bone by bone. I feel it all replace itself with a kind of euphoria. Slowly, I stretch my cheeks as far as they will go.
"A baby?" The smile widens. "We're going to have a baby?" I'm in Peeta's arms so fast I have hardly any time to process it. Amy clings to our embraced bodies, squeezing us tightly in her little arms.
"Momma?"
I bite my lip to keep from sobbing. "Hey baby girl. Guess what? You're gonna be a big sister!"
She smiles, touching my cheeks. She has no idea what I'm saying, but my smile is enough to make her smile, which just makes me smile even more. I balance her on my lap and kiss Peeta.
"A baby," he whispers. I nod. "A baby." It comes crashing down on me. I want to tell my mother.
Once the doctor gives me the ok to unplug myself and get dressed back in my own clothes I know I have to very important visits to make.
"Haymitch?" Even after everything, he's still the one I want to be the first to know. He's lying in his hospital bed, already looking vastly improved from the last time I'd seen him.
"I see you took Peeta's advice." My hands are behind my back as I just stand there, looking at this father like figure in my life. I earn a chuckle out of him. "Stay alive seems pretty universal, doesn't it?"
I nod my head. "Oh yes. It works as an everyday phrase. At least in our every day." He laughs again.
"You look good Haymitch. You look so much better."
"Well, the doctor says I'm making improvement. Says I'm getting better by the hour almost."
"Interesting. My doctor says I'm pregnant."
His eyebrows shoot up and he stares at me. I cross my arms and just nod. "It's true. I'm carrying baby number two."
"It's all getting better isn't it," I ask. "Looks that way." I throw my arms around him, ignoring how uncomfortable it makes us both. "I'm really glad you're ok Haymitch," I whisper. He hugs me back. "I'm glad your happy."
This time I enter the room slowly, afraid of what my mother will look like. She did die yesterday after all. I know her heart stopped. That's what those beeps were telling me. She was gone, really and truly gone, if only for a moment.
"Mom?" I see her move her head in my direction and I resist the urge to cry again. She looks so tired, so weak. Her hair is matted to the sides of her face, her eyes are baggy and swollen. "Katniss." Even her whisper is broken.
"Mom." I'm trying so hard to be strong for her. I always have to be strong for her. I'm afraid to let myself go. I'm still so afraid of sending her back to that place; just like with Peeta, I am afraid she will be trapped forever in her own mind.
"Katniss, honey, I'm going to be fine. The doctor said I just need a lot of rest, but I'm okay, really, I am."
This takes me by surprise. I am so unused to her being strong for me. I'm not sure if it's something I'll ever be accustomed to.
She beckons me forward and I crawl into the bed with her again.
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"What? Baby girl, you're pregnant?"
I slowly nod, unsure of everything again. This is the woman who sparked my doubts on motherhood in the first place. She is one of the reasons why I never thought I could do it. But one look at Amy and I know I can. One look at the woman holding me, despite her health, and I know I can.
Mother stays with us for a few months, resting and recuperating, but she is determined to heal and get back to her home in District 4. She claims it's because of work, but I just don't think she can handle the ghosts of District 12 anymore. I can't blame her. Not anymore. For once, I am sad to see her go. I am terrified and an overwhelming sense of lonliness threatens to overtake me.
"Mom, promise me. Promise me you'll call. Not every now and then. Regularly. If I don't hear from you for even one day, I am going to call you and call you until you answer the phone." I am holding her close, holding her like she is a child. There's a part of me that will always think she is.
"I promise Katniss," she says.
I let her go and watch her board the train. By now, my stomach is bulging a bit. There's no hiding the pregnancy anymore, that's for sure.
"Momma, I'm hungry." Amy tugs at my shirt. She is talking so much more now. Full sentences. Every now and then, Peeta and I will have to try and decipher her words, but that happens less and less. She is fascinated by the baby though. All day long she just touches my stomach and asks what the baby will be like.
"The baby will be small, smaller than you. And the baby will make you giggle so much your tummy will hurt. But the baby won't be you my little Amaranth. The baby will be its own person, and you are you. You are the only Amaranth. The most important Amy there is."
"Most important momma." Well, maybe not full sentences.
"Come on baby girl. Let's go get Daddy and eat some lunch."
By the time the baby is due, I'm long past wanting it out of my stomach. From the moment my water breaks, I am rushing Peeta to the hospital. Rushing the doctors. Rushing the baby. Rushing rushing rushing. And then there's this little cry. I'm so tired and I'd love to go to sleep, but I need them to rush again. I want that baby in my arms now. They clean its little face and little hands and little body and then they hand the baby to Peeta. He's crying and I'm crying and the baby is crying.
"It's a boy Katniss. A little boy."
I'm choking back the sobs. "A son? We have a son."
He's nodding as he put the baby into my outstretched arms. "We have a son."
"Basil. I want to name him Basil."
Peeta kisses the top of the baby's head. "Basil it is then."
"Are you sure? I don't want to just pick his name."
He kisses me so hard that I'm breathless. "Katniss, you have given me not one, but two beautiful children, despite all of your fears. You could name him Chicken and I would be okay with that."
I roll my eyes and laugh. "Chicken?"
"Chicken. Besides, I like Basil. It fits."
It does. Basil fits. My son. Basil.
Author's Note: Okay, before everyone hates me for the ending, I AM DOING AN EPILOGUE. And yeah, I know. Basil is kind of odd. But I figured, Katniss is a plant, Prim was a plant, Amaranth is a flower, Basil is an herb. It's all plan related people! Peeta is the odd one out, but I wasn't doing bread names, sorry.
And another thing, RFNWKTNKLWNEG I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALMOST OVER I AM HAVING A CONNIPTION OVER THIS. I already have three one-shots lined up to fill the fanfiction void in my heart once I finish this. Seriously. I am going to be dead inside.