A/N: Thank you for sticking with this story. Took less time to update. For who have been wanting Bella to grow a backbone, this chapter's for you.
Here is my current reading list:
Paper Cutouts by twistedcoincidence
The Gentleman From Washington State by Betty Smith
Full Disclosure by Betty Smith
Little Fish, Big Fish by Michelle M. Marie and Paige Parkker
And big thank you's to my beta adt216 and pre-reader acinad816
Chapter 19
"I feel guilty
My words are empty.
You say I'm heartless
And you say I don't care.
Guilty...Guilty, I feel so empty..." Guilty, The Rasmus
B.
Sunlight and a warm breeze woke me from what felt like a coma- a chemical, debauchery induced coma. Sounds of car horns and cars driving by made the little drums in my head pound harder. I tried raising my head to look at the bedside clock to check the time, but the simple act was too much. My body was lifeless, with no energy and felt like a dead weight.
The balcony doors were open, sheer curtains billowed out, and I noticed then that the room was void of other human beings. It seemed as if the previous night was erased, like it all was a bad dream. And confusion dominated, resonated.
The same fucking tug-o-war warred on- the war between being a good little girl and living my life. There was no going back to my former self. In little under a month, I'd seen and done more than I ever had before. That person, that girl was alien…unnoticeable. But who was I now?
I could've easily told Cullen no, that I didn't want to do any of the experimenting, but I did and enjoyed most of it. What pissed me off was Cullen not talking to me about any of the shit he wanted for his birthday. I told him if he was going to do anything like that, he just had to tell me.
I just wanted honesty from him. I had no idea who Josie/Tanya was and now knowing who she was…had been, I wouldn't have gone through with it- not with his ex. And it hit me, that was why he didn't tell me. I was his present and she was his past. It felt as if he was seeing which of us "fit" into his life. He was comparing us. I rolled over to my stomach and buried my head underneath the pillow.
As much as I wanted to lie in bed, my bladder had other intentions. I crawled out from under the sheets and stumbled to the bathroom, stubbing my baby toe on the doorjamb. Hobbling to the toilet, I sat down in barely enough time. After inspecting my toe, I glanced into the wastebasket and saw a used syringe with a dark gold liquid stuck to its barreled body. It didn't matter what girl was in his life; we were no competition for her.
Everyone would always be second place to him. Question was how much longer could any of us handle being second place?
Snorting coke had to stop. It felt good in the moment but made you feel like shit afterwards. And I could do without it. I sat on the toilet for several minutes, laughing internally to myself. Something had to change.
I still had to give Cullen the gifts from me. I took care of business in the bathroom, brushed my teeth before leaving, put a t-shirt and panties on, and walked the ten miles from the bedroom to the front door, where I left the presents.
Upon the sight of them, anger ripped through me, making my hands ball into fists. Why did he deserve them? I wanted to return them and get my money back, but being who I was, I couldn't do it. They would be the last things he would ever get from me.
I found him sitting on a chaise lounge on the balcony that was off the living room, sitting in the sun smoking and typing on his laptop with his new guitar, the one his parents had given him as their birthday present to him, laying next to his leg. Seeing him smoke was another puzzle to this complicated man.
Cullen sensed me behind him and motioned for me to sit at the end by his bare feet.
"Hey," I said as I looked into the living room beyond his head, knowing my voice held no emotion.
I dropped the bag onto his lap while mumbling they were his gifts from me. I played with a frayed string at the leg of his jeans as he pulled out my gifts. The bag crinkling from his movement inside it seemed louder, and my thoughts whirled around like a never-ending hurricane. The touch of his hand startled me; I didn't know that I had detached myself as quickly as I had. This wasn't good. Nothing good would come of this.
"Bella…did you hear me? I said these are fucking awesome. I needed more comp books and picks. And the song books you picked are great. There's some songs in them that I don't know how to play," he said as he shook my hand, trying to get my eyes to meet his.
When I did meet his, I wanted to cry. I didn't need him to show me pure honesty and gratitude in them. It would make everything harder. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, nodding my head.
After a few moments, I found the nerve to open my eyes and look at him. Cullen's eyebrows were furrowed with confusion, and his mouth was set in a firm line as he stubbed out his cigarette. He knew something wasn't right.
"I'm happy you like them. I didn't know what else to get you."
In the calmness of the morning after, after the previous chaotic night, us being the only people around seemed unworldly. Seconds ticked on before I spoke and when I did, the words were a whisper.
"Where is everyone? It's eerily quiet."
Cullen cleared his throat and set aside his computer and guitar, crossed his legs to give us more room on the chaise, and I lost the little frayed string. The heat from the hot, Georgia sun was already beading sweat on my skin. What I had to do made my muscles tense, generating more heat. My hair hung limply down my back, joining the things that were making me uncomfortably hot.
With nothing to distract my fingers, they laid loosely on the chair cushion as I looked down at them. He tapped the top of my hand to get my attention. Upon looking at him, I saw a twinge of pain streak across his face before quickly regaining the smooth, handsome, chiseled face.
Before answering my question, he cleared his throat and swallowed.
"Everyone left before the sun came up, and my parents escorted…her back to the airport early this morning. But not before reaming me a new asshole," he answered, his voice barely audible.
Seeing and hearing him not being able to speak her name made my guts twist tighter. This hurt, but along side the pain was anger. I knew he wasn't going to be perfect, but I told him weeks ago, the morning after his Golden Girl breakdown, that if he was going to "play" to tell me and to not flaunt it. The day before, he broke his promises and made me look like a fool. Unfortunately, I also was battling the anger and the hurt with the excitement of experimenting.
I sighed and removed my hand from his fingertips. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I tried gathering my thoughts. Cullen spoke before I could.
"Bella, I feel as if the foundation is about to come crumbling down around us."
My lips quivered as I rested my elbows on my knees and clasped my fingers together, resting my chin on top of the connected fingers. I inhaled deeply and blew it slowly.
"Cullen, a while ago I told you if you weren't able to stay true to me, to at least tell me and to not flaunt it in front me. Yesterday and last night, you blew everything out the water. I looked like a fool in front of your family and friends."
My voice sounded as if it wasn't my own. It sounded muffled and strangely calm, even though there was a tumultuous ocean raging in my head and heart. Cullen looked down and started playing with the lone frayed string that had been my security blanket.
"Why did you want a threesome with your ex-girlfriend and me? Were you comparing us? Because I'll be honest, that's what it felt like to me. It felt as if you were deciding who was better and which of us you really wanted. That's not good for a girl's self esteem."
He didn't say anything. I waited several minutes, during which I changed positions from sitting cross-legged to straddling the chair. The longer we sat there motionless and silent, the day passed on and became hotter. At that point, rivulets of sweat ran down the side of my face, under my breasts, and down my back since my back faced the sun. A barely there breeze blew between me and him, ruffling the stray sprigs of his hair and blowing a long piece across my face.
Still he said nothing, making the tension escalate. And what had been an angry ocean was rapidly becoming a tsunami. The longer nothing came from his mouth, the more violent I felt my anger becoming, ready to detonate at any second.
When I could no longer take the expansive silence and tension, I lurched forward and grabbed his face, pulling his eyes up to mine. I felt my breath quickly and forcefully filling the small space between us - I was seething. I felt my back teeth clenching and grinding; I felt my nostrils flare, and my eyes widen.
"You're such a fucking coward. You strut around acting like the alpha male you pretend to be. But when confronted by me in private, you don't have shit to say. You have no words to explain to me why you did what you did. You're fucking heartless, and you don't give a fuck about any one but yourself and…"
I trailed off my last sentence, unable to speak of his main mistress. As I stared into his face, the planes and lines remained the unchanged, beautiful, stony alabaster. There wasn't any watering of his eyes or a quivering of his lip. There was nothing. It was as if he was catatonic.
His silence angered me further. His face shook in my hands as my arms and body began to shake from the pent up rage. My fingertips melded into the skin of his face, hoping to leave their indentions, knowing they would only leave red circles or maybe slight bruises. As I pressed as hard as I could, he still remained expressionless, and I dug so deep that everything in my hands and arms began to burn.
I wanted to scream, wanted my pain to leave my body and shift into his. When my fingers could no longer handle the pressure, they shoved his face away, causing his head to slam into the back of the chaise. Still the only response I got was nothing.
I jumped onto him, straddled his waist, and pressed my nose against his. My arms stretched out behind him to support myself. I aimed for the cushion but landed in his hair with my hands full of it, yanking as hard as I could. Not once did he wince, and it made my ocean of rage slam into me harder.
Shrill noises ripped from my throat as I balled my fists tighter around his hair and slammed his head into the chaise cushion. I continued pulling, slamming, and screaming, but still got no response. When my screams turned into body-shaking sobs, I quit and sagged into him.
I stayed against him in the hot midday sun, sweating and crying. He offered no comforting rub on my back or a stroke in my hair. He remained a statue. All my efforts were futile, so finally, I picked myself up off him and stood up. I didn't bother wiping my eyes. I let the hot liquid run over my heated skin.
He stared straight ahead, looking into nothing over the balcony. In that moment I felt nothing, but something told me to hurt him one last time. I bent down, yanked his face up, and slammed my fist as hard as I could into any area it went. I lost count of how many times I punched him, but when I finally stopped, his lip was bleeding and swollen and his nose had a trickle of blood running out.
I leaned down to ear and whispered the final words I had to say to him.
"I'm done with you. I will stay to finish out my contract, but I will not touch you, look at you, or speak to you. I will go back to my place on the couch in the front of the bus, and you will stay in your bunk. If I have to be in the same vicinity as you, it will be as if I don't know you or see you."
Before I parted, I slapped his face, leaving my red handprint on his bruised skin.
C.
She's gone. I had no one to blame but myself. And I deserved the beating she gave me. It surprised me that she lasted as long as she did with me. I desecrated her. I violated her. I hurt her.
During her…purging of her soul, I remained silent, as I knew she needed to release the anger, the hurt, and the betrayal that had built up. I knew I was the cause of a good portion of her pain, but there was also underlying anger and pain from being so sheltered. But it was me that pushed her over the edge, even though I knew a part of her enjoyed the wild, unhinged experiences. I sensed a war raged inside of her, as I had my own war raging inside from demons I've tried running away from, but never seemed to escape.
There weren't any words I could say to offer peace; I knew she wouldn't hear them if I had any. I listened to her stomp around, throw objects, and slam doors. During her frenzy, I lit another cigarette, which was a vice I hardly ever did, but had picked it back up. My arms hung off my knees as I scrunched them into me and hung my head.
On each inhale, I felt the sting on the side of my face, but that paled in comparison to the raging inferno that was my scalp. The sting of my face and the fire of my scalp were just the beginning of my sentence. I raised my head and stared out into the blue sky, the sun baking my ghost-tinted skin. The loud, thunderous tattoo of her footsteps rang loudly throughout the suite. There was finality in the sound and steps.
Seconds later, she slammed the last door, walking out on me…on us.
I laughed at myself. Was there ever an US? I knew I would never be able to keep something so sweet and pure. I was poison.
As I inhaled and exhaled the cigarette smoke, I pondered Bella's question about if I invited Josie here to compare Bella and her. At the time, the thought never crossed my mind, and it never felt like I was comparing. I just wanted someone I could trust and who wasn't a cracked out whore to have a threesome with Bella and me. In my selfishness, I never once considered Bella's feelings. I only cared about what I wanted and to hell with anyone else.
I closed my eyes, blew out the last of the cigarette smoke, and snuffed out the butt. The sun was getting too fucking hot, so I gathered my new guitar, the gifts from Bella, and my cigarettes and went inside, closing the door behind me.
Leaning the guitar against the wall and placing everything else on the floor, I saw the rumpled bed sheets. Don't know why, but the sight of them made something inside of me clench then break. Hot liquid welled up in my eyes, and I dropped to my knees, my arms hitting the mattress and sheets.
I clasped my fingers as my head lowered against them. In my moments of body shaking sobbing, I saw all the terrible shit I did to her the past month she'd been with me flash from scene to scene like a filmstrip. Grouped in with the bullshit were the intimate moments, the tender moments. I wanted to hold on to those longer, scorch them into my brain, but like everything else, I wasn't that lucky and only the fucked up shit lingered. Bella's face morphed into my mother's a time or two, making me fist the sheets in agony.
My face was soaked, the sheets were soaked, and my hands and arms were soaked. I raised my head, wiped my face and nose with the top sheet, and crawled into the bed on Bella's side. Her scent heavily lingered, and I buried my face into the pillow. I wanted her scent on me as a staked claim. Amongst the sugar vanilla aroma, I smelled her sex. Every centimeter of the bed was drenched in her. As I took small comfort in the fragrances, small tears rolled down my face, dripping onto the pillow, as I eased into a deep sleep.
"C, wake up, man! Come on. We have sound check to do."
Whoever was speaking shook me hard, smashing my face further into the pillow, embedding her scent deeper into my olfactory senses. Her smiling face in my dream kept me from waking up, I needed that image, as I needed the image of her kissing me while her hands coasted along my body.
"Wake the fuck up, son!"
I knew that voice; it was my father. His face fluttered before as my eyelids rapidly moved back and forth when he yanked my head harshly up from the pillow. I felt something warm running out the side of my mouth- I must have been drooling.
"Son, get your ass moving. The band needs sound check, and we need to leave in the next twenty minutes."
He tossed my head back onto the pillow, which didn't stay there for long as I felt strong hands lift my sorry ass from the bed and stand me up. The same hands then slapped each side of my face, adding more blistering handprints.
"Bro, wake up from fantasy land," Emmett spoke, his voice loaded with booming authority.
As I shook my head to clear it from the haze of deep sleep, I was then brought back to reality, the reality that Bella left me. The realization of my pain caused by my own stupidity and selfishness crashed harder down on me, making me wince as if I was in physical pain. Before I left, I needed to numb…everything.
Running my hand through my hair, I gave the three of them my physical attention.
"How did y'all get in?" I asked.
My father held up the keycard, signifying that she had given it to him.
I cleared my throat and said, "I see. So that must mean all of you know what went down?"
"No, son, she didn't say anything, but I know it wasn't pleasant since she came to my door crying and very angry. She said she wasn't leaving, that she'd uphold her contract. Just so you know, if she had walked out, I wouldn't have sought legal action. In actuality, she could get us in a dinosaur shit pile of legal trouble. Now go get your ass ready. We leave in ten."
While walking past my cousin and brother, both shook their heads and looked down at the floor. I grabbed whatever was accessible in my bag and closed the bathroom door behind me. After washing, brushing, and changing clothes, I sat down on the toilet seat lid and cooked up enough smack to numb. More would be done later.
Jasper waited for me in the bedroom, standing by the bathroom. His face showed nothing, but he knew I was fucked up. The warm velvet of Golden Girl coated my nerves.
"She's staying with us. I thought you would want to know."
I knew what the words were, but their meaning failed to come to me. The corner of my lips lazily smirked, and I gave him a thumbs up. His eyes tried deeply to penetrate mine, but they left his and flittered around, focusing everything and nothing.
When he knew he wasn't going to get any reaction from me, he hooked his elbow around the back of my neck and pushed me forward towards the main part of the suite. Emmett and Carlisle rolled their fucking eyes, saying fuck under their breath upon the sight of me. I returned their actions with a grin and laughed.
Carlisle rubbed his eyes and pointed towards the door. Emmett took me from Jasper's neck hold by grabbing the back of my neck, hard, and escorting me out the door.
"Don't be a douche bag tonight. Not on your birthday," he growled in my ear.
Under the warm glow of the haze I was in, I surprised my father and the band by not fucking up and giving a damn good performance.
"If you do what you just did tonight, we'll rock this fucking place," Emmett said before throwing back a beer.
I chuckled lowly and brought my beer to my lips. While drinking the beer and standing at the microphone, Carlisle walked up and stood with his hands across his chest.
"Your mother wanted to stay and see the band tonight, but she left early so she wouldn't have to see another train wreck. She went to Alice and Jasper's room shortly after Bella dropped off the keycard. She said Bella was beyond angry with you; she downright hates you. And from the look of your face, I can see she beat the fuck out of you before leaving. Son, I don't know if you can get her back after the shit you pulled yesterday and to be honest, I don't think you deserve her."
Once his piece was said, he gave me a hard look, shook his head, and walked away. I knew I should care about what he said, but nothing registered. I was numb like I wanted to be. Jasper expelled smoke from his lips as he sat on a stool looking over at me.
"C, don't expect Alice to be…nice to you. I don't know what all was said as Alice and her went into the bathroom to talk and frankly it's none of my business. Just wanted to let you know that."
I nodded, sipped my beer, and walked back out to the bus.
No one walked back to the lounge area of the bus in the few hours I was on there before the show. They all stayed up front if they came on. I started counting bottles of beer on the tabletop and snorted several lines of coke. The images on the TV blurred and compressed together, becoming swirls of vibrant colors. I watched in fascination.
I thought I had seen long brown hair scurry in front of my vision, but the person paid me no attention, treated me as if I was another fixture on the bus. Somewhere in the muck of my brain, something told me that should have bothered me, but I couldn't bring myself to care. That person was lost to me now.
Whenever show time came, Jake and John Paul yanked my ass from the booth and shoved me down the hallway and out the bus. Emmett's big ass hand was waiting for me when I stepped off, smacking me in the back of my head.
"Goddamn, shit for brains, someone fucked your pretty face all up," Rose sarcastically remarked.
Jake's voice came from behind me.
"That reconstruction is Bella's job."
Rosalie went wide-eyed and quirked an eyebrow.
"Fuck" was all that came out of her mouth.
"Enough of the chitchat, we have a show to do," Carlisle ordered, gripping my arm and dragging me towards the club.
All of us took our place at the side of the stage, waiting for the band to be announced. As I stood waiting with the others, my eyes roamed over the club. We had a full house, and most of the girls were just a piece of cloth away from being indecent. That should have been enticing, but I didn't give a fuck what they wore or what they were going to offer me.
Perusing the crowd brought my unsteady eyesight upon the image of Bella, Alice, and some dude that I didn't know. Whoever the fuck he was, his finger was stroking Bella's cheek while she was looking at him with her sweet eyes, and her cheeks were blushing. I felt my hands turn into fists.
I felt someone beside me, didn't know who, but I asked them who the guy was talking with Bella. They said he was a member of the opening band and that Bella had enjoyed their show. She had been front row. And, as we're about to go on, she didn't give a fuck. The shock of seeing them and hearing about her actions wrecking balled through the numbness, scorching my heart.
I clenched my eyes, held my fists at my side, and shook my head - trying to clear the image of her and him. Why the fuck did I care? In that moment, I wondered why I had broken down earlier. Why did it hurt?
On the announcement of the band, I walked on stage with my hand clutching my heart and furrowing forehead. I grabbed the mic with my other hand and counted out the beats until it was time for the lyrics to start. My hopes for performing numb were shattered. I was on the stage singing with every nerve exposed.
I took my hand from my heart and gripped the mic with both hands, ripping the words from my throat. I saw glimpses of them, and she wasn't even watching the stage, neither was Alice. The guy was slowly stroking her neck as she wore a low cut top with thin straps and skirt that looked more like a belt. I tried tearing my eyes away, but I couldn't. Even when the lights were bright in my eyes, I kept them in the general direction.
During the middle of the show, I stopped caring about it and started to care more about how many beers I could ingest. The words became slurred. I closed my eyes to steady myself, but was terrorized with the mental image of her and that guy. Open or closed, my eyes couldn't escape them. I heard Emmett and Jasper yell in my ear to get back on track and stop fucking up, I didn't give a fuck.
When we were done, the crowd screamed about what a piece of shit the show was, and the guys in the band walked past me without saying anything or looking at me. I walked off stage and walked to a corner, slumping down to the floor. Someone palmed me a beer. I leaned my head against the wall, nursing the beer and feeling shitty in general.
The longer I sat there, the more I became pissed at myself for fucking up the show. I shouldn't have let the sight of her and another guy fuck with my head. She was just a small bump in the road of my life, but touring and performing was my job and life. I knew the moment I thought that, that it was bullshit. She was a five car pile up that had forever altered my world.
Three loud voices broke through my internal ass kicking as they approached the area where I was. It was Alice, Bella, and that dude. He had his arm around her neck, pulling her in for a kiss on the cheek. I slammed the beer bottle down the floor and shot up from sitting.
I stalked over to them and slapped the guy in the face to get his attention and then punched him. Both girls screamed and tried pulling me off him. Several arms enclosed around me, yanking and pulling me away, and turning me away from the guy. I came eye to eye with Bella. No love showed on her face. Anger marred her perfect features as tears welled up in her eyes.
"Leave me alone…" she choked through her tears. I felt my stomach drop at her words. Nothing made sense to me anymore and all that did was Golden Girl, who I craved more than any being in that moment. I wanted shit to make sense and then I didn't. If nothing else, I wanted her to make sense.
As I was dragged away, I was tortured with the sight of Alice clutching Bella as she stared back at me with abhor crashing high in her eyes. Guilt ate away at my insides as Bella became farther away. I hate what I did to her.