A/N: I finally updated. The reasons for why I haven't are on my blogger. The link is in my profile.

Thanks goes to my pre-reader acinad816 and my beta adt216

"Reconciliation" by Brendan Kennelly

Chapter 21

"You're the pearl in the trashcan of my life
I am the beggar a useless stain in time
Can't you see how I grieve...
What you mean to me?

Let's grow cold together - alone

The rain it beats...
Ripping flesh down to the bone
Leaving me hanging onto you
I pray to keep the beating of this tired heart
Long enough, so I can live this through

You're my world... the bullet in my gun
I am the doubt... black is my sun
Can't you see how I need you to bury me?" – Alone, Poisonblack

C.

The interview was as good as Tia could have made it given how fucked up I was. After every question, I would pause, think about giving a stupid, unintelligent answer, laugh out loud, and instead give a half ass answer to the question. I would stare at nothing over her head as I found it hard to look her in the eye. Tia wound up cutting it short and Carlisle didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

Bella remained distant from me, even though I caught her a time or two glancing my way. Her face would be emotionless, but her eyes held what she felt. Before I could read them, she huffed and turned away.

Two weeks had passed since she had last spoken to me, telling me to leave her alone. In waking hours, I did just that, but whenever she fell asleep, I sat on the floor beside the sofa and stroked her hands, arms, and face. At parting, I would lightly brush my lips against hers.

We had been in the same room several times and she still acted as if I was a fixture in the room that she had grown accustomed to seeing. Except one time when we were both sitting alone in the lounge. I saw her out of the corner of my eye push her laptop away in frustration as she sighed heavily while sharply glancing at me. I turned up my bottle of beer, drank deep, and slightly smiled as I watched an old Rambo movie. Bella got up and stomped out of the room.

And I didn't forget the words I had whispered before I passed out. I still felt them when I wasn't fucked up and felt them when I was fucked up. The words scared me to fucking death, as I had never uttered them to anyone, not even my parents. I loved my father, brother, and Esme. That was natural, but loving someone who wasn't your family with enough passion and fire to consume you made me want to ram a needle in a vein and hope it would be the final dose to do me in. I had loved someone once until I found out how fucked up they were and how they had forever cursed me. Love had gotten me nowhere but a one way ticket to Hell.

In attempt to ease the hell I was in, Jasper, Emmett, and I spent many nights drinking until we blacked out. Neither asked why; they knew. Jasper would pat my back and swig back his beer. Emmett would nod his head and raise his fist for us to bump. Jake and the other guys kept to themselves or they hung with the girls. My father kept his distance.

Before shows, after shows, during the night while the others slept, or whenever I felt the need, I bathed in the warm, hazy glow of Golden Girl. Sometimes it made me puke; sometimes it made me black out; and other times I went about my business. A time or two, I would snort China White, depending on who was hanging around. Unfortunately, it didn't matter how much alcohol or smack I put in my body, nothing took away the purgatory and hell I constantly stayed in.

Jasper and I would snort a line or two or I would light up with Emmett. One time Rosalie did a bump, which surprised the fuck out of me. My brother had developed a love for Asian porn and we sat around one night, including my father, and watched two Asian girls fuck an octopus. That was likely the most bizarre, fucked up shit I'd ever seen. I think they wound up killing the creature. Our father just stared at Emmett as he sat in a corner with his fingers curled around a beer while he jacked off to the fucked up scene on the screen. Jasper and I snorted lines and drank Jack and Coke.

Even in the company of my family, loneliness never left. I had always felt alone my whole life, but nothing compared to what I had felt for those two weeks. I never knew how full Bella had made my life. While we were on stage performing for the masses, I felt as if I was the only one in the room. As I greeted the fans, took pictures, and signed whatever they wanted me to, I was alone. No matter where I was or whom I was with, I remained alone.

Before a show one night, I overheard a phone conversation Bella was having with her dad. It didn't seem friendly. As I listened in, and it was hard not to hear Charlie's voice over the phone, Bella's voice got louder and harsher. Apparently, they were fighting about her not staying in better contact. It seemed he was calling her childish and was telling her to grow up. She kept telling him that she wasn't acting childish and that she could do whatever she wanted as she was an adult. At the end of the conversation, she told him that she was moving out of his house and out of Forks as soon as she gets back and that she had sent out applications to universities for nursing. That was something she hadn't told me, but then again, there was a ton of shit we didn't know about one another.

For a few shows, Bella would come with Alice and Rose, but after those shows, she started staying on the bus. When we all would climb back on, she either would remain on her sofa or would congregate with the girls. After one show, I overheard Alice sweetly and suggestively telling Bella that she should talk to me, and what I heard made my heart hammer rapidly against my rib cage. She told Alice that she wasn't ready…yet. I smiled as I bit into my lip and walked to the restroom.

My body ached and my muscles were sore and tight. I knew it was from lack of water as I dehydrated my body with beer, soda, and other fluids. Emmett would always come back bragging after his hour-long massages and Jake would taunt me by saying how good Bella's hands felt on his body. The girls would gush about their foot massages. Everyone was getting touched by her hands but me. My lungs breathed out a ragged breath as I envisioned her hands on me.

The day we were in Nashville, Tennessee, it was her day to work and her book was full with everyone except me. My whole body was aching from days and nights of stress and longing to be with her. As I sat on the concrete ground smoking behind the club we were playing at, I heard a muffled female voice from inside the bus. My ears strained to listen as I blew smoke out my nose and lips. Whoever it was, they were getting louder.

Shoving of the closed mini blinds suggested the person was sitting on the sofa. When the female voice rose in volume again, I knew it was Bella. When she said the name Charlie, I knew it was her father and that they must have been arguing again. I could hear her end of the conversion clearly. She was apologizing for the twentieth time that she was sorry for not calling more often and that she had been busy. When in reality, I think she had forgotten about her father. It had been barely over a month since she had last spoken with him between the conversation I had overheard and this one.

The following day was the Fourth of July. Just as I finished my cigarette, the owner of the club, Liam, walked out with his car keys in hand. I stopped him and asked if he knew of a Tiffany's in town, he said he did and offered me a ride. I just hoped my plan would work.

When I returned with purchase in hand, I walked on the bus, going immediately to my bunk to stash the turquoise colored bag. I smelled food and my stomach grumbled for the first time in what felt like weeks. Walking into the back area of the bus, I saw Jasper taking a little, black, plastic container out of the microwave. It smelled of teriyaki and chicken. There had to be more microwavable meals.

"Hey, Jas, are there anymore of those meals?"

He nodded as he forked a piece of chicken and pointed to the fridge.

I had wanted what he had, but what was left was garlic shrimp and beef stroganoff. I settled for the stroganoff. As I waited for the little meal to heat up, I wondered what my cousin had planned after his lunch.

"So, what are you doing after you're done eating?" I asked, leaning against the counter with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

Jasper wiped his mouth, eyeing me. I knew he was leery and he had good reason. He cleared his mouth with a quick swipe of his tongue and took a deep pull on his can of Pepsi before replying.

"Well, I have a massage scheduled with Bella and then Alice wants me to go with her for a quick pedicure. Why do you ask…cousin?"

I knew that was my chance and my only chance to get her alone. I had two choices; I could either ease into asking him to give up his massage so I could talk with her or I could go on the attack and corner him as I pleaded. With what my emotions were, I had no more time to waste.

Jasper waited for me to answer him as he slowly chewed his food and I waited for mine to finish. The microwave dinged, so I grabbed my food and joined him at the booth. The stroganoff didn't smell as good as the chicken teriyaki, but it worked since I was starving.

I took my first bite and couldn't help shoveling in a second and a third. Jasper sucked on his Pepsi, watching me inhale my food. When my fork scraped the last of the tiny, microwavable meal, I sat back in the booth and watched my cousin. He raised his eyebrows and fork, signaling for me to talk. This was my chance.

"Listen, Jas, I need to talk to Bella. I need for her to hear me out and the only way I can do that is to get her alone in a place that isn't easy for her to leave. I feel like shit for what I did and I want her to listen. Please give up your massage time with her."

He blankly stared at me as if I was speaking in a foreign language. He sucked down the last of his Pepsi, placing the can next to his empty tray.

"Cullen, what makes you think she would let you stay in the room? However, I must say, I've watched you over the past two weeks. You have looked completely miserable, but you have also looked more fucked up than you have in the past. And I agree with you, she does need to give you a chance to explain, so I'm going to let you take my place, but if I see that girl cry or hear her scream, I will beat the shit out of you myself. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal. And thanks for giving up your spot. I'll take you out for dinner, some drinks, or both, on me. This means a lot to me."

Jasper extended his hand across the table and I quickly took it as we palmed our hands, gripped tightly, and shook hands.

"I hope she gives you a chance and I hope you don't fuck it up if she gives you another go around," he said as we withdrew our hands.

"I hope so, too, on both aspects."

I remained seated, staring at the small piece of light through the blinds, as my cousin stood up to go throw away the empty tray and bottle. The small, plastic tray and Pepsi bottle made a dull thud in the trash and Jasper wished me luck one more time before exiting the lounge. I had only forty-five minutes until it was time for me to go to her. My insides contorted into knots and my heart beat fiercely against my rib cage. Both hands were clammy and my right knee bounced at record speed as my fingers drummed the tabletop.

Voices outside the bus were shrill and squeaky, and it felt as if they were driving a spike through my skull. Shrieking of my name and pounding on the side of bus could only mean the voices belonged to female fans who just wanted to suck my dick or have me ram my dick into them. In the past, I wouldn't have hesitated, but shit had changed and the change frightened me, making me crave her more. Whenever I thought I wanted Bella more, the yearning for the other girl pulled harder on my will. I craved both, but I knew in time I couldn't have both. One would be the death of me.

I wiped my clammy hands on my jeans as I stood up, wanting to grab a beer from the fridge. Something was needed to calm my nerves. The glass was cold on my face and the liquid was frigid on my tongue and my throat. I pulled so deep and hard on the beer that when I stopped drinking my lungs gasped for air. As I leaned my head on a cabinet door, I looked at the time on the microwave- time would not be a friend to my nerves and sanity.

Forty minutes had passed slower than Alice trying to make a wardrobe decision. As I passed by my bunk, I took the little pale, blue box from its matching bag and shoved it into my jeans pocket. I hoped she would like the trinket. The waling, whistling girls, dressed in barely anything, were waiting outside the bus when I stepped off. Some tried to make advances, but I told them no thank you and autographed whatever items they had. Then I left to go to her.

I stood outside the plain, white, partially opened door trying to pull together my gumption. I told myself that I'd made it this far and to not let a half closed door ward me off. I needed this. No, we needed this.

We couldn't keep up the silence. She needed to hear my words of apology, guilt, and how I knew my sorry ass wasn't worthy enough to ask for her forgiveness, but that I hoped she would grant it to me. Never in my life had I missed one single person as much as I had missed her. Had I become addicted to her?

Soft music floated out into the hall and from what I could tell, the room was dimly lit. There was a low, rhythmic rumble sound as if she was writing something with a purpose. I looked down at my cell and saw I had only two minutes left - two minutes to muster up my courage.

I blew one more breath out and rapped my knuckles on the white painted wood. Without looking up from the paperwork, she said to come in. When I was in, I closed the door shut. She wrote one last word without looking up while saying my cousin's name. I remained on the other side of the small room.

Startled, she put her hand to her chest whispering, "You're not Jasper. What are you doing here, Cullen? I thought I made myself clear about not wanting to speak to you anymore."

I rested my back against the wall with my hands behind me. Words would have been good to speak, but nothing came to me, I couldn't stop staring at her. My brain made my eyes linger on her dark irises, the slight, delicate slope of her nose to the pale pinkness of her lips. They moved all the way down to the fullness of her breasts, to the smoothness of her belly, and soft roundness of the swell of her hips. Her hair looked black in the low light as it was pulled off her face in a ponytail.

Catching myself staring, I forced my stare to my feet. As she counted the seconds for my response, I flipped through the flimsy, tattered book of my brain to pull out words, either my own or another's. Quickly, I recalled the book of Irish love poems we both owned. I remembered one called "Reconciliation." As if they were before me, the words flowed smoothly as a countryside stream in my mind. All that was needed was courage. With three shaky breaths, I raised my gaze toward hers and slowly spoke the words.

"Do not torment me, woman,

Let our two minds be as one,

Be my mate in my own land

Where we may live till life is done.

Put your mouth against my mouth

You whose skin is fresh as foam,

Take me in your white embrace

And let us love till kingdom come.

Slender graceful girl, admit

Me soon into your bed,

Discord, pain will disappear

When we stretch there side by side.

For your sweet sake, I will ignore

Every girl who takes my eye,

If it's possible, I implore

You do the same for me.

As I have given from my heart

Passion for which alone I live,

Let me now receive from you

The love you have to give."

When I finished, I saw one hand of hers on her chest, over her heart, and the other on her cheek with tears running into its barrier, and then moving to side. She smiled weakly, but it was a smile nonetheless. I would take it.

"I would love for those words to have been yours, but I know they're not. It doesn't mean they are any less meaningful. You looked at me when you said them with such conviction. Even with the soft timbre of your voice, I almost for a second believed you really meant them. Did you come here thinking that by saying pretty words, words that I have, no had, wanted you to say that I would come running into your arms and forget everything that happened? Who wrote them anyway?"

Her gentle, weak smile had vanished and in its place was this lethal, steely demeanor. Eyes of endless mocha, caramel, and chocolate zeroed in on my face as if crosshairs were placed on my forehead. Her mouth didn't waver as it had swiftly plummeted into a hard, motionless line. No longer on her chest and cheek, her hands had moved to the side of her as she leaned against the opposing wall. I knew she would throw up resistance, but I had hoped the words of the poem would soften the blow. They didn't.

I shifted from foot to foot, toed the floor, and chewed on the inside of my cheek. Never breaking my stare, I took in her wall of steel and anger and I still loved her.

"The words are by Brendan Kennelly. And no, I didn't think those words would make you forget everything. I wanted them to show you that I'm sorry and that…I'm yours."

Her teeth twisted her cheek and lip, still standing in place like a statue flat against the wall. My eyes nervously shifted briefly to the candle flicker before returning to her. She still seemed to want more from me.

"When I came to the realization of what I had done to you, it completely unhinged me. You had asked me in a previous conversation if I would tell you if I wanted to do something like what had happened on the night of my birthday, and I said I would try. I didn't even try and all you had wanted was honesty. Shortly after that conversation, I started weaving the web of deceit and completely disregarded what you asked of me. Most would say it was a simple request, but I need you to understand that what would be simple for others isn't for me.

"Once I was no longer under the roof of my parents, I answered to no one. I didn't want or need anyone. By the time I moved to Seattle, I was so far gone into the world of alcohol, drugs, sex, and rock n' roll. Every friend that ran in the same circles as I did had failed relationships, even the guys who had met girls from the same scene. This lifestyle kills any chance of a good relationship. And I just didn't want anything permanent.

"The relationships I did have with people were strained. Everyone said I was self-centered, abrasive, and combative. These past weeks have made me reflect upon my life. Every person who described me that way was correct. The most innocent, sweet, and caring person stormed into our gypsy life and scaled the walls of my exterior and wormed her way into my heart.

"The feelings I began having were alien and confusing. Even in this moment, they scare me to within an inch of my life. Their full force rammed into me the minute you let your fury explode that day on the balcony. And when you walked out that door, I lost my whole world. The walls fell down and everything was raw. It was as if someone had scorched my nerves and rubbed them with sandpaper."

Hot streaks shot down my face, paving a wet path over my dry, cracked lips, giving them a morsel of life. Bella had tiny tears that she wiped away with the back of her hand as she stared into one of the candles.

"There's so much I want to say but don't know where to begin," she whispered, startling me from my trance.

"Don't say anything just yet, I'm not done," I hoarsely answered.

Her chin minutely jutted out in response.

"The pain I saw scrawled upon your face and embedded in your eyes clawed at my soul, giving rise to a tidal wave of guilt over betraying you with Josie and not talking to you about what I wanted for my birthday. Torment and masochism were my best friends up until now. I would sit on the floor as you slept on the couch up front and watch you sleep as I agonized over wanting to touch until one night I gave in and chastely kissed your lips. I wanted no company but yours.

"That tiny bunk felt vast without your small, warm body next to mine. Your absence made me come to terms with my feelings for you, Bella."

Her eyes quickly shifted from the fire flicker to my face. Hope filled her face as her eyes held doubt. After one long, deep breath, I took my chance.

"I love you. I'm in love with you." My words faltered for a nanosecond, my mouth quivering.

Once they fell from my lips, the room was silent except for the soothing music. Then she crumpled to the floor in a heap of trembling and sobbing. With no hesitation, I stalked two steps and there I was next to her, dropping to my knees and pulling her into me.

Moments ticked by. Her weeping had slowed while her breathing and shaking wore down. The fabric of my shirt meshed with my skin where her tears had soaked through. I placed simple, small kisses on the top of her hair, which gave forth a long, humming sigh from deep within her.

I moved my hand from Bella's arm to her chin, tilting up her face so I could see what emotions danced in her eyes. They were clear, a little sad but filled with a small light that glowed a bit brighter when set upon my face. I felt my lips faintly move upwards as I moved down to brush a kiss on her mouth.

Bella pressed into the kiss, almost parting my lips as I felt her tongue caress my bottom lip. We both hummed, adding more weight onto one another. Before it went further, she pulled away, kissing my cheek and stroking my face with her fingertips. I looked at her studying my face. I had to know how she felt for me.

"Bella, what do you feel for me? I just told you I loved you and you crumpled onto the floor. Do you regret me saying those words to you?"

As soon as I spoke the last sentence, she stopped tracing my jaw line and crushed her lips onto mine. Her hand wound around my neck as she balled my hair into her fist. This time our tongues danced together. Bella was trying to convey what she wanted to say, but I wanted to hear what her words would be. Therefore, I pulled away from our most heated kiss in weeks.

"Bella, for as much as I loved that kiss, I want to hear the words you were trying to give me in that kiss," I whispered against her face.

I softly spoke "please" in a loop, gently pleading. After I had stopped, she moved back from me but not too far and looked at me with a calm, soft expression. Bella licked her lips, looked at the candle behind my head, and then back to me.

"Yes, I'm in love with you. What started out as instant lust quickly became love, only I didn't know it. I knew I felt something, but kept denying what it was because I didn't want to wind up crushed when you didn't reciprocate the feelings. So, no, I don't regret you saying you love me. As for me falling to the floor, that was from the shock and relief of you saying them to me as I didn't think you ever would."

I reached across and moved her back to me. We kissed, moaned, and roamed our hands up and down each other's backs and legs. We pulled apart. My lips traveled slowly up her soft face to her ear where I huskily whispered, "I love you."