Chapter 5

Three years ago

Dean was rummaging his impala's back seat as he sighed in frustration. Where the fuck was it? Dean was beginning to feel like he was losing his mind. His cell phone had been missing for three fucking days. He hated not having it, he felt like he was naked without it. He could not fathom where he had left it. He was out of town at the moment which only made matters that much more annoying.

"Sammy! Have you seen my phone?" Dean called from his car. Sam's head popped out of the hotel's door. His face was perplexed and then shifted into a playful smirk.

"Dean, you still haven't found it? How old are you again?" Sam laughed as he mocked Dean. Dean simply sent him a glare as he sat down in his car, now admitting defeat. He sighed loudly as he glanced up to see Sam laughing at him.

"Dude its not that funny. How would you feel if you lost your shitty computer?" Dean poked at his brother and his possessive behavior over his laptop. Sam just shifted away from the doorway and came over to the car. He leaned against the frame as he looked at Dean.

"Why don't you give it a break Dean? You probably just left it at home. There is no need to ruin the whole road trip…."

Dean just sighed as he caved to Sam's words. It was true that they had left on a road trip as a kind of last minute vacation; he hadn't even had time to tell Cas that he would be gone for a week.

That is one reason he was freaking out about his phone; Dean wanted to be there for Cas if something were to happen. He knew that Ellen was not doing well lately, so when Sam had sprung this road trip he had been hesitant. However, Sam had his ways and knew how to push Dean's buttons.

So here he was on a road trip, phoneless, and hoping that he could enjoy the few days that he would spend with Sam.

Castiel sat beside the hospital bed that Ellen slept in. His eyes heavy as he starred at the clock that slowly counted down the time. Ellen's condition had worsened. She had only been in the hospital for three days but Cas was beginning to become overwhelmed with fear.

The fear that his mother may never walk out of the hospital and the doctors had done little to ease his worry. Jo was the strong one; she was all that was holding him together. Jo was asleep on the couch a few feet away. Cas glanced at her as he sighed and reached into his pocket.

He pulled out his cell phone and scrolled down to Dean's number. He stopped. He wanted to call, but he had already tried to reach Dean several times over the past three days and to no avail. He never got an answer. His gut knew that if Dean was aware that he was calling, he would be by his side in no time. Cas wasn't stupid.

He was sure somehow Sam was involved. He never understood why Sam detested him so much. All Cas wanted was to be near Dean. He could not help the fact that being around Dean always felt right, and he couldn't change that even if Sam got worse.

Cas sighed as he laid his head against the wall and closed his eyes. The dull beeping of the monitor echoed in his head. His world felt like it was crashing around him and his rock was nowhere to be seen. He inhaled as a tear ran down his face as he tried to prevent it from falling. He turned his head towards Jo as he heard movement.

Jo was now sitting up on the coach, her hair messy, but her composer strong as always. She half smiled at Cas as she walked over to his side and pulled up another chair. They sat side by side at their mother's bedside. She didn't wake but her children were there; together. Jo sighed as she laid her head on Cas's shoulder. He looked down at her as he felt her tears on his shirt.

"She will be okay Cas, don't worry…" Her voice contradicted the strong aura she always gave off. It hurt Castiel to hear her in this state, but she wasn't alone she had him.

Cas sat there as he felt Jo once again fall asleep. Once again he flipped open his cell phone and scrolled down to Dean's number. He hesitated as his finger lingered on the call button. Finally he pushed the button and tried his best to get the phone to his ear without waking up Jo. The phone rang four times until Dean's voicemail came on. Cas felt his hopelessness deepen as he heard the beep signaling him to leave a message.

Cas fell silent and then muttered his message," Dean, please call…I really need you right now…." Cas could not help but sound like he was begging Dean, in a sense he was. He had to. His world was slowly decaying around him and he didn't know what he was supposed to do.

Sam sat in the hotel room as he scanned an old police report. He scowled as he reached into his pocket and pulled out Dean's phone. He hated that he had to lie to Dean, he really did. Unfortunately he did not have a choice in the matter. He had to keep Castiel away from his brother.

He had to protect him no matter what. He didn't need scum like him infesting his brother's mind with lies. Dean needed to be protected, he didn't know the truth and he was unaware of how filthy Cas truly was.

Just as he was about to put the phone back into his pocket, it rang. Sam saw that it was Castiel and let it go to voice mail. His irritation was growing and he was running out of ways to keep Dean away from that parasite.

Despite his threat towards Cas, they were still friend, even though Cas was not around as much. Perhaps it was time to let Dean know the truth.

Present Day

Dean stood in silence; it was so deafening that Cas could not handle looking at Dean so he turned his head away.

"Dean, look I know we both made some mistakes in the past, but can we just-" Cas stopped as his words cracked. He hated being weak, he hated being so helpless and most of all he hated how much he missed Dean. He wished even now that he could just move on and live his life without Dean, but he was not able to forget. He was not able to make his heart forget.

Dean's face seemed ashamed as he failed to look straight at Cas as he spoke, "Cas…I …don't know what I should say. I mean I missed you, but that doesn't change anything, you know that." His words cut through Cas like a knife. He raised his head and starred straight at Dean.

"Dean you don't mean that…" Cas's voice was shaky as he felt his heart sink. Dean stepped closer as he finally met Cas's gaze. His eye were like Cas's, sad. Dean stopped right in front of Cas. He gazed down slightly so his eyes locked with Cas's blue eyes.

Cas inhaled as he felt Dean's breath on his face. He had not been this close to Dean in a long time, and it was bittersweet. He caught his breath when he felt Dean place an arm on Cas's shoulder. "Dean…" Cas tried to express his emotions and his worries, but was stopped when he felt Dean pull him into a hug. His grasp on Cas was almost as if he was afraid to let go.

"I'm sorry Cas, I really am, but I don't think you should go to the party. I mean I think it is best if we…" Cas immediately pulled away as he looked at Dean with such pain filled eyes that Dean immediately regretted what he was going to say.

"Dean don't… don't say that. That's bullshit. We both know that you don't feel that way. " Cas's voice was strong but it was also desperate. Dean approached Cas, but stopped when he saw his brother Sam approaching them.

"Fuck…" Dean whispered as he saw Sam stop just besides Cas. Cas tensed as he looked over to see Sam standing next to him, fake smile in place.

Cas immediately tensed as he felt Sam place his hand on his shoulder. He looked at him as he spoke; his words were cold.

" See you at the party." He smiled as he removed his hand and continued to walk past Dean. He turned as he passed Dean," You coming?" Sam asked as he stopped and glanced at Cas. Dean hesitated as he made eye contact with Cas. They both seemed to know what the other felt just by starring into the other's eyes. That however, didn't stop the inevitable from happening though. Dean broke the gaze as he turned and followed Sam.

As Cas watched them disappear he felt like such an idiot. The situation truly had not change and he was beginning to feel truly hopeless. How he wished that he could make the feeling of loss stop. Unfortunately for Cas the heart does not lie.

Dean entered his room. He had walked all the way home with Sam. The whole time he had had to pretend that he was not on the verge of tears. He could not break down in front of Sam.

Now though, he was alone. He shut the door and leaned against the wooden material. He finally let the emotion consume him, he let the guilt take over. He was a monster, how could he just leave Cas over and over again. His heart continued to break as he remembered why there was distance between them in the first place. For the first time in a long time Dean broke.

He was not able to stop the tears that fell. He slid to the floor and leaned his head against the door as he let the control slide. It was true that he too wished that he could mend the relationship with Cas, but he also knew that it was not possible. He knew that the best way to deal with the pain was to bury it and hope that when morning came Castiel would not pursue him because it only hurt him more. He could not undo the past, no matter how much he tried.

The heart won't lie….

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Lots of Love ~FrozenBeneathReality~