Bella... Avoiding Eye Contact
"Right," I sighed, stepping back from him. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I had never felt this awful before, this unattractive, this rejected.
"Bella. I do apologize, but there are rules and I must adhere to them," he pleaded gently.
"No. I understand." I stumbled back towards the door.
"Bella, There is bed in the back if you would like to lay down for a moment," he pointed past the rest of the men, the corner. I considered it for a moment, but changed my mind. I bet the population of the island could have spent some amount of quality time on that bed.
"No thank you Sun. I should go." He stood there watching me and then I remembered. "Please – continue what you were doing." Without a word Sun picked up his tools and set about reshaping the small golden leave that had cooled a bit during our short conversation.
Too in that short amount of time, the affect of the Amah started to wear off. I was coming back down, core temperature returning to normal.
I didn't feel aroused anymore. I felt… ridiculous. Foolish… Unwanted.
I wanted to just find some place to hide, crawl into a hole and wait until the Princess, - Ha. the Real Princess, was ready to bring me back home. At least Charlie wanted me around, not strings attached, no pretense.
I pushed the door closed and turned to see Cru waiting on the grass.
"Can you just give me a few minutes?" I knew someone had sent him to follow me, but he could at least give me the allusion of being alone.
"As you wish, Bella," he said quietly.
I turned and walked towards the trees. It was dark, and I could still hear the commotion coming from the banquet hall, but I knew if I went just a few feet off the foot path no one would see me.
I walked a little ways in and sunk down next to a tall palm tree, tucking my chin to my knees. The tears finally brimmed over.
I couldn't remember a time I had felt this awful.
God, this was stupid.
I'd just been shot down by a guy whose only purpose was to have sex and I couldn't even get him to touch me. I was so pathetic. I should just go as soon as the Princess returned. No hesitating. I just needed to get away from this place, get away all this confusion.
Get back to Charlie. I couldn't believe I'd considered staying. He would need me back, even if just for the rest of the summer.
I don't know how long I had been wallowing in my own self-pity, but it was long enough for the moon to start rising higher in the sky. I could see it, huge and full, through the tops of the trees. Slowly the noise from the banquet hall began to die down. I heard a few footsteps through the trees. Probably lovers going for a late night swim. I wondered just how many of them were drunk off the Amah and how many of them really into each other.
And then I wondered, if maybe Alice was really into me.
Geez, Alice.
I was such a jerk. I hadn't even bothered thinking about Alice. She was trying so hard to make me feel comfortable and welcome. I was the alien here. I was the stranger and ever single moment since I'd met her she'd been nothing, but gracious and welcoming and kind, trying so hard to help me understand.
My head fell against my knees. I seriously just tired to force myself on her.
What was wrong with me?
Was the Amah really that strong? Really that potent to make me question my sexuality?
I honestly didn't know. I wanted Alice in that moment more than I had ever wanted anyone in my whole life. I realized too, that it was the first time, besides my carnal draw to Sun, that I had been completely attracted to anyone. I didn't know what to make of my feelings, my draw, my attraction to Alice. Either way it didn't matter. I think I had really hurt Alice, coming on to her like that, yelling at her, pushing her away.
God, I was awful.
I had to go back to her and apologize.
I pulled myself up off the ground and made my way out of the trees. Cru was sitting on a nearby rock, wing raised, his beak digging through his feathers. It was kinda funny. He looked like he was smelling his armpit. He lifted his head at the sound of my chuckle.
"I'm gonna go back and uh - talk to Alice," he knew what I meant.
"I think that is wise, Bella." When I nodded in agreement, he flew off into the trees.
When I rounded the front of the mill, there was very weird feeling in the air. There was no one around, but the city was alive, buzzing with energy. As I got closer to the sleeping quarters I did pass a handful of girls. They looked like they were heading towards the beach. They said hello to me, by name, but just barely. They seemed so focused on each other. It was the first time since the morning that I had felt invisible.
When I reached the dormitories themselves it became clear as to why no one else was out walking around. They were all back in their quarters… having sex.
I could hear the motions of bodies through the thin curtains now covering the open archways. From some rooms I could hear hushed voices or sighs from two people, but as I walked and listened closer, slowing my pace, I could hear sounds coming from three, sometimes four different women and in one room in particular I couldn't actually count the number of varying vocal tones. I hadn't really considered what Alice had said before about "having fun," or spending time with various women. I still didn't know what to make of it all.
Finally I reached Alice's room.
It was empty.
For a moment my stomach lurched and my throat ran dry. Could Alice be in one of the other rooms? With one - or some of the other girls?
I sat down on the bed. The thought of it was making me light headed.
A small spot near the top of her sheets was still warm and her pillow was wet. Alice had been crying.
What the hell did I do? I felt the tears stinging my eyes again. The thought of her with some of these other woman made my chest hurt. I couldn't explain the feeling. What I'd seen with Sky aside, Alice still seemed so innocent to me, so pure. The other women were so raw and maybe, overly sexual. Alice wasn't like that. I didn't want to think of her like that.
But the thought of her sad, crying, hurting because of my stupid, selfish, stubborn actions, killed me inside. I had to find her and make things right.
I ran back outside, not at all knowing where to start. I heard a light chirping behind me and turned to see Luna perched above Alice's door.
"Where is she?" I begged.
Luna chirped once more and then took off flying in the direction of the hospital. Of course she was with Esme. Shoot. I hoped Esme wasn't angry with me. I hoped Alice would talk to me again.
When I got to the hospital Luna circled and chirped towards an archway on the opposite end of the hospital from where I had woken up. Most likely Esme's sleeping quarters, I thought. It was quiet by the hospital, but as I got closer to the archway, I could hear voices murmuring inside, behind tall thin curtains. I crept closer and I could soon hear two women clearly. They were arguing. One was Esme. I hid in the shadows of the pillared archway, close enough to hear.
"I cannot do that to her," Esme said. "She is more fragile than you are seeming to understand. She is not comfortable doing this, no matter what she tells you."
The other woman's voice was deeper, sweeter than Esme's, but she sounded annoyed, raising her voice. "What will you have me do? I was able to chose, knowing everything, all the facts and I do not regret my decision."
"I know you don't," Esme retorted. Her tone was bitter.
"She needs to know everything. She cannot make the decision to leave her father on blind faith alone. I will not do that to her."
They were talking about me.
I was so confused. Alice told me that no one knew all the secrets until they'd decided to stay. Who was this woman, exempt from the rules? Who was she to have the power to tell me?
I peered in and could see Esme pacing though the opaque curtain. For moment I caught a glimpse of the back of the other woman. She was tall and lean like Kate and Zafrina and she wore a longer white robe like Esme's. Her hair was long and dark brown, cascading down her back, but from where I was standing I couldn't see her face.
I crept to the other side of the pillar to try and get a better look. Just as I moved an ocean breeze billowed open the curtain. I could see Esme's bed now. There was a woman with strawberry blond hair on it, nude of course. But that wasn't the strange thing. She was on the bed, having sex - with a man. A tall, muscular man with light blonde hair and lightly tanned skin. He looked different from Sky, much more beautiful than Sun. He must have been the fourth man Alice had mentioned, Fire.
Was the woman with him the Queen, since he was only in her service?
He lay reclined, his back flush against the wall and the fair-haired woman straddled his pelvis, her back to him, rocking aggressively on his hips, moaning and sighing with each thrust. It was strange that they were there, like this, together. And even stranger was that Esme and the other woman barely seemed to notice.
Had things changed so much for me in such a short time that was weird part of this scene was seeing a man and a woman together?
There was a lull in the argument and Esme stood there looking at the floor. I watched as the woman with the strawberry blond hair, reached forward, and touched Esme's hand, like she was trying to comfort her. Esme turned her head slightly in her direction and gave her a small smile. The woman pulled her hand back after a moment and placed it on the man's knees, supporting herself so she could grind on his lap, harder.
The dark-haired women adjusted something on her robe. She paused next the bed and gently stroked the strawberry blond's face with her hand. The woman, didn't break stride, but nuzzled the dark-haired woman's hand, kissing her palm.
I ducked behind the pillar right before the dark-haired woman turned. I didn't want her to see me.
After a beat I slowly turned, peering back in. She was back in front of Esme now.
"Please. I need to do this my way," she said gently. I could see past her shoulder as she took Esme's face in her hands.
"I do not feel right about this. Alice is going to get hurt," Emse whispered, her eyes shifting to the floor.
"Look at me. I promise. She won't." She dipped her head then and captured Esme's lips with hers. This kiss was so deep, so intimate. They kissed for a long moment, Esme's body pressing in to hers, her shoulders relaxing into the woman's embrace. Esme looked completely helpless against her touch. Maybe this was Esme's match.
"Bella?" I turned to see Alice standing there, her eyes still red, her face stained.
"Alice," I breathed stepping towards her. She took a step back. My chest tightened.
"Did you..?" she brought her hand up to her chest, like she was trying to hold herself together.
"No, Alice. Nothing happened with Sun. I promise. I'm so sorry. I …"
Just then I turned, feeling the curtains billow again behind me.
"Bella, what are you doing here?" Esme asked.
"I –"
"Bella?" the dark haired woman approached us. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Esme duck beside me and wrap her arms around Alice, as if bearing down for a storm.
In front of me, I…
"Bella, this is the Princess, Diana" Esme said quietly. "Diana meet—"
"I know who she is," I interrupted her.
I had spent my entire life happy, knowing that I had a father, an amazing father, who made up for my mother's absence every single moment of every single day, but on occasion, during the moments that shouldn't have mattered but did, I would picture her, heartless, ugly, cruel, somewhere in the world celebrating the fact that she was free of a husband, free of her child.
I looked up at the Princess, at Diana and I did not see a wart faced hag. I didn't see an evil witch, fingers tented and plotting, spine twists from her years of wicked ways. When I looked at the Princess, I saw my eyes, wider and darker then Charlie's, my hair, long and thick, but not curly, like Charlie's, my lips, my cheeks.
When I looked at the Princess, I saw my mother. Young and Beautiful, looking only a few years older than myself.
As all, or at least some of the pieces began to slide into place, the secrecy, the lies, the real reason I was here, my body gave in, the hyperventilating winning out. I collapsed under the pressure and my mind, shut down.
It took me a few minutes to fully open my eyes when I came to. My mind and my body were preparing for the worst. I sat up slowly, brushing my hair out of face. It was still dark outside, but it felt like early morning. I was still in my robe, but under the sheets of yet other unfamiliar bed.
"Hello Bella." I blinked and looked in the direction of the voice, other unfamiliar voice. Across from the bed sat a woman in a large chair. She was tall with deep honey blond hair and amazingly beautiful. She had a long white robe draped over the body and on her head she wore a crown of gold olive leaves.
"Are you the Queen?" I asked. I was done waiting for people to tell me things. I wanted to know.
"Yes Bella. I am."
"Where am I?"
"You are in your bedroom, in our palace," she said frankly. As the words left her lips Esme and the Princess walked slowly into the room. Alice trailed a few feet behind them. Her face immediately caught my attention. She was crying again.
I avoided the Princess's gaze and turned back to the Queen.
"Will you please tell me what's going on? The truth?" I asked.
Alice stepped forward grabbing Diana's arm.
"Please, don't," she whimpered. The sound of her voice ripped my stomach apart.
What was going on? What about all this had Alice so upset? What didn't see want me to know?
"Alice, I am sorry," the Queen said. "It has to be this way." My eyes stayed on Alice as she sniffled, running to Esme's side burying her face in her shoulder.
"Mother, I must go. I cannot stay here for this," she cried.
"I understand. Go," Esme said quietly, releasing Alice after one finally squeeze.
Alice turned to me then. "I'm sorry Bella," she breathed then ran from the room. Esme's shoulders dropped. Whatever battle she had been fighting on Alice's behalf or my behalf, she had clearly lost. She came and sat next to me on the bed, taking my hand.
A few seconds later, the Queen spoke again. "Bella, typically we do not accept – strangers into our population lightly. I know Alice explained a few things to you. However, you are not a typical guest. Esme felt you should be subject to the same treatment as the other women, being kept in the dark until you came to your own decision to remain with us, but due to certain – factors, I have to agree with Diana. You should be made aware of everything and if you decide to stay, we will welcome you."
I swallowed and looked at Esme. She squeezed my hand. I didn't have choice anymore. I would know everything.
I turned back to the Queen. "Will you answer any questions I have?" I asked.
"Yes, Bella of course," Diana answered. The sound of her voice made my stomach lurch. I wasn't ready to look at her yet.
"Okay. Tell me."
"I, like many of the woman here, was not born of mortal men. Diana was a gift to me from the Gods and Esme is also of immortal birth. Our home here as you may have realized is not of your world. If you were to try to leave it's shores, you would never find you way back home."
I thought for a moment, processing what she was saying, that I was in essence, no longer on Earth. She gave me a moment, and then continued.
"We are granted contact with your world, however we typically only serve as an alternative, to certain women selected by the Gods to leave your world and join ours. Every woman here, born of your world has a special gift, something within her that is being squandered in the world of men.
"Diana was given the choice, to remain here on Themysicra or to join your world. She has powers, special gifts and she chose to use those gifts to help others. However her decision to leave the island prohibits her from returning permanently."
"Is that way she rescued me in the first place? She was on Earth, helping people?"
"Yes and no, Bella," Esme said "Diana typically works on a larger scale, helping people affected by wars and feminine. She saved you because – she was on her way to find you."
I swallowed looking down.
"Did you cause the storm?" I asked Diana, knowing anything was possible. I still couldn't look her in the eye.
"No Bella. That was truly an accident."
"Okay well what about Charlie? How does he fit into all this?" The three of them paused looking at each other, deciding who would be the best person to explain.
Finally Diana spoke. "I had been living among mortals for many years in solitude. My powers made it hard for me to blend in. Twenty years ago I met Charlie. We –" She paused. I didn't miss the telling look she gave Esme. "We fell in love. You were conceived and I returned here to give birth to you. The Queen, my mother, gave me the choice, I couldn't remain here with you and I couldn't remain in Forks with Charlie, but I knew he would love you and care for you until you were old enough to return."
"So what, I'm half immortal?"
"Yes Bella," the Queen said.
"And Charlie knows this? All of this?"
"Yes," Diana confirmed my fears. Charlie knew. He was prepared, had been prepared my whole life for this day.
I took a deep breath. Had any part of my life not been a lie?
"If you were so in love with my father, why did you leave him?" I didn't dare ask why she left me. I didn't want to know, but I did want to know why she could turn her back on Charlie.
"Bella, I know it will sound ridiculous, it sounds silly saying the words out loud, but I am what you would consider a super hero. I have powerful enemies, people who don't want me to stop them from hurting others. I could not risk putting you or Charlie in danger by being in your lives." Part of me could understand that. I'd seen Spider-Man. "And although I love your father very much, he is not my Match."
"Alice told you, right?" Esme asked.
"Yes," I whispered, remembering the cryptic conversation from the afternoon before. "But if he is not your Match, who is?"
"Esme," she said clearly. I remembered the kiss I'd seen them share. It made complete sense now. They were in love.
"Who was that other woman, in your room?" I asked Esme. She clearly had some role in their relationship, the tender way she touched them both.
"That is Tanya. She is my companion in Diana's absence. She has chosen to forgo her search for her Match to stay with me," Esme confessed. I couldn't tell how she really felt about that decision.
"Well I still don't understand. Why can't Diana come back and be with you, Esme?"
"Bella, we are not of your world. Diana is the rightful heiress to this island, but her role in the mortal realm forbids her from claiming that title. Princess Diana is permitted to return for a week at a time, but due to the pure nature of your world and ours we simply cannot mix the two," the Queen explained, sort of. I tried to understand as much of that part as I could, knowing that it would take time and details to fully grasp the whole situation.
"Bella I brought you here because in a few days time, you will be fully matured, by own our standards and Charlie and I wanted to give you the choice. To remain here or return to the mortal world forever."
"I was supposed to make this decision completely clueless, thinking that Charlie had no idea, that I would be abandoning my father?"
"That is why I wanted to tell you. I love you too much to force that type of decision on you," Diana said.
I scoffed. "Right. So tell me then, why is Alice so upset? I mean doesn't she want me to stay. Why isn't she here giving me her reasons why?"
Diana looked at Esme me then, urging her to talk.
"Bella, Alice wanted you to make the decision on your own. She wanted you to see Themysicra with clear eyes, she was hoping you would fall in love with us, with this place and want to stay all on your own. She knew if you knew all the details that your decision would be in some way biased and she didn't want that," Esme confessed.
"But why?"
"Because she loves you Bella," Esme said. I could hear the sincerity, the genuine concern in her voice, not only for Alice, but for me.
Diana spoke then. "Bella, Alice is your Match."