Chapter 7: Attempting Recovery
At first, he tries to go back to simply eating the meal his mother prepares for him rather than throwing it away on the way to class, but it is simply too much and every bite seems to stick in his throat, to make his stomach feel impossibly heavy.
He feels slow, tired and stupid when he eats, but he has come to the conclusion now that it is necessary, and it does not seem to be making any difference to his physique.
If anything, he finds that simple fact much harder to swallow than the food. He has essentially starved himself, for years, for no reason.
Still, he finds he cannot bring himself to completely revert back to his former habits-
(It is illogical to be afraid of nourishment).
-So he instead takes it one step at a time. His mother often packs him a fusion of human and Vulcan food for his midday meal (to broaden his horizons beyond the normal boring food), so he works with what he is given.
He avoids the bread with butter, which feels somehow stodgy, gritty and seems to get lodged in his throat. Instead, he favours a Vulcan root vegetable, and finds that it often takes so long to eat (it is chewy) that by the time he is finished he feels quite satisfied.
He never really feels hunger anymore, which is a relief, given the previous pain and distasteful gastrointestinal symptoms it caused. Nevertheless, it is puzzling, especially as he knows he should still be feeling hunger in anticipation of the food he does eat.
And, yes, he does on some level also know that this is not enough either, but he is not quite ready to tackle that prospect yet. But it does raise the interesting question of why he never feels hunger.
He forces himself to eat regardless, because he knows now that it is important, and he starts to feel his strength gradually returning both mentally and physically, though he still remains exhausted in more ways than one.
He finds himself becoming less driven by emotion and more able to prioritise logic, though outwardly he has not changed at all. Similarly, it is now easier to focus on his studies, though his performance has remained exemplary throughout his life.
One thing that does concern him, however, is the lack of physical education classes now that they are in their final year. He and his classmates are now nearly 18 Standard years of age, and as such are deemed to be proficient in both the mental and physical Disciplines. There is less structured study time and more time devoted to individual study and research, something that Spock finds welcome from an intellectual standpoint but otherwise concerning.
He often feels weighed down, now, and hyper aware of how his body moves and the slightest sign of breathlessness. He still attributes this to being unfit, so makes an effort to maintain his habit of walking to and from the school and to exercise occasionally in his own time. Yet he often finds himself exhausted from the challenges of independent study, with little energy or will left to devote to exercise, and finds himself… letting it slide.
His lips twitch slightly, the phrase making him think of his mother, but he manages to control the expression before it crosses into being unacceptable.
When his studies are over, he will no doubt have more spare time to devote to building up his fitness again, but for now he must prioritise. He must ensure that he achieves the required grades for Starfleet Academy before he informs his mother and father that he will not, after all, be going to the Vulcan Science Academy as planned.
He controls a swift surge of panic at the thought of his father's likely reaction. No Vulcan has ever turned down an invitation to the Vulcan Science Academy, and as he has kept his wish to go to Starfleet completely secret until he receives confirmation of acceptance, the revelation of his future plans promises to be even more scandalous.
If, of course, Vulcans could ever admit to something being scandalous.
Pushing aside his concerns for both his future and his health, Spock instead focusses on his studies, losing himself in the fascinating inconsistency of human philosophy.
It should prove a worthy and unusual topic of discussion for his extended project.