CHAPTER 20: MIDNIGHT SNACK/DREAMING

I could barely sleep that night. I had too much in my mind. At midnight I gave up and decided the best way to sleep was to not think of sleeping. I sat up and looked around, trying to find something to do. My eyes landed on my copy of TwiDark. Huh. I thought. I always wanted my life to be like a book. Now I'm in the middle of a science fiction. Guess the saying is true. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. I'm exactly in Becky's position. Both of us are in love with mythical creatures. I love Embry, I really do. But can I live with is secret? Do I love him enough to give up my safe, normal life to be with him in his paranormal and probably unsafe world? Could I give up everything that I'd worked so hard to build up after…?

I tried to imagine my life without Embry. It hurt too much. It felt like someone ran over my heart with a 4 ton truck, backed up and ran over it again. The pain was so intense I was mildly surprised that when I looked down, I didn't see a river of blood flowing onto the bed. I held my arms to my chest to try and ease the pain (just like Bella in New Moon!) I knew that wasn't an option. But what was I supposed to do? I can't live with this, can't live without him. This wasn't helping me to sleep either so I decided to go downstairs to have a midnight snack, maybe it'll help me figure out what to do, or at least make me sleepy.

I got into the kitchen and saw that one of the lamps was already on. Amber was sitting on one of the kitchen table drinking hot chocolate and eating a brownie. There were two mugs and two plates. She turned and smiled.

'I knew you'd come down here eventually. I warmed enough milk for both of us and I managed to save some brownies. Sit.'

I wasn't surprised. Amber could always tell when something was wrong and how to make you feel better. It was like her sixth sense. I sat down and took a sip. It was exactly how I liked it.

We were silent for a while before I started talking.

'What would you do if you knew something about someone? Something … for lack of a better word, bad. Not dangerous or anything, at least I don't thinks it's dangerous, nor is it truly bad. It's just… I guess it's strange. That's the best way to describe it. Anyway, knowing this… thing endangers you. Not your safety or anything like that, it just endangers you. I'm not making any sense, am I?'

'No, but I think I get it. You know something that isn't bad but is bad for you. It doesn't hurt people but knowing it hurts you, right?'

'Right. So you know this about someone. Someone you know and love. What would you do?'

'Does this someone know you know?'

'Yes. They are the one who told you.'

'Well, if the person told you, they obviously love you enough for them to want you to know all about them, the good and the bad. And their probably hoping that you'll be able to forgive them, even though they know it'll be hard.'

'Yes. But what should I do? I know that that person cares about me and wants me to move past this but I don't honestly see how I can do that, but at the same time I can't cut that person out my life, I just can't. That would be like cutting out my heart like that weird octopus dude in Pirates of the Caribbean.'

That's what I love about Amber. She didn't laugh at my weird comparison or try to guess who I was talking about like Jess would. She just nodded.

'You honestly love this person.' It wasn't a question. 'Well if I loved a person that much I would try and take it one day at a time. Don't try to force anything. Step by step. Try to see if I could live with the… thing.'

I nodded and thought about it. It's the best solution. Just taking it day by day. I could deal with it. We finished our midnight snack and said goodnight. I made my way up the stairs and into the bathroom still thinking about my decision. By the time I had finished brushing and was laying down on my bed to sleep I had moved past my decision and was thinking of what I was going to say to Embry. That's when I had the dream.

I was wandering the forest, which I would never do, much less now that I know there are werewolves roaming around all over the place. Anyway, I was roaming around in this white flowing dress (I know, I rolled my eyes when I was thinking about it in the morning, too.) and all of a sudden there was a weird light on the horizon that was getting brighter. It wasn't like I was moving closer to it, more like it was moving closer to me. My subconscious new I should be wary of this light, but I kept still, like the light had some kind of hypnotic spell. I stood there like a deer caught in headlights, unable to move or look away. It came closer and closer. It was shaped like a man but it had no features, it was just moving light. I was so scared of it, I was trembling but I was spellbound. The light was now an arm's reach away. I knew if it touched me, I would die. I closed my eyes and waited. All of a sudden there were these growls coming from all around me. I opened my eyes and looked around. The light and I were surrounded by giant wolves of all colors. One stepped in between me and the light, growling and snarling. The light started backing off slowly. The wolves didn't stop growling until you couldn't see The Light anymore and the forest was as dark as it was before I noticed The Light. I was now surrounded by a bunch of wolves that should have been obviously more threatening than a fucking beam of light, but I honestly felt safe with them, like they were my friends. The one in front of me was still growling slightly under its breath at the distance. I had the strangest urge to pet it, to calm it down but of course I didn't do it. Even in my dreams I have more common sense than to pet a wolf. It finally stopped after a while and turned to face me. As I stared into its familiar chocolate brown eyes knew in my soul that it was Embry. It took my breath away and woke me up.

I jolted upright in my bed. After panting and calming my heart down, I checked the time. 9.00 o'clock. I got out of bed and took a shower. As I picked out my outfit for the day I thought of that supernaturally weird dream. Firstly, I don't even own a white flowing dress, and even if I did, why would I be walking around in it in the middle of the night? In the woods no less? Who in their right mind would wear white in the woods? And a beam of light? That was the best my subconscious could come up with? Please, what is so scary about a beam of light?

Um, maybe it was what the light beam represents?

The sun?

No. didn't you notice it didn't give off any heat? Cold, pale… remind you of anything?

Oh. The Cold Ones.

Duh! You know for a fairly bright individual, you can be extraordinarily stupid!

'Shut up!'

Exhibit A: talking to yourself aloud.

I am not talking to myself!

Then who are you talking to?

No-one! I stormed down the stairs, angry at myself. I found everyone sitting around the table eating breakfast.

'I made pancakes!' Jess said. 'Sit down and have a stack! The butters soft and the syrups warm! It'll pick you right out of the bad mood your in.'

'Who said I was in a bad mood?' I said, sitting down.

'Honey, the whole neighborhood heard you coming down the stairs.' My mom said, grinning.

'Oh. I was just having an argument with myself.' Everyone at the table raised their eyebrows at me.

Well done, you don't sound completely demented!

Amber mouthed 'Are you ok?' to me and I knew she wasn't talking about my talking to myself. I nodded and smiled.

Ok, so totally embarrassing. I don't know what color wolf Embry is. Help please?