I need an Ocean full of Love

by Tiburonia

After a childhood lacking affection, Armin is desperate for someone to love him and he is ready to give his heart and soul away at the first opportunity. A few months and a textbook abusive relationship later, Armin has almost stopped believing in deserving love and happiness but when being introduced to Eren Yeager, he can't help himself falling for the boy. [Full summary inside]

4. Touch (I)

Here comes chapter 4 - In which certain routines are established, one drink too many leads to a great deal of musing, more thoughts are given to the idea of touching – some good, some not so good – and everything is fun until it isn't.

For anyone wondering what's going on inside Eren's head regarding Armin and other events in this story – we'll get an extensive look into his mind at some point. ;)

Please note!: There is a scene depicting domestic violence towards the end of this chapter

Other than that, please enjoy.

Chapter 4: Touch (I)

If you could rewrite our life any way that you please

Would you tear out the pages of our memories?

Would you take back the pain and all the hurt we create?

- Love Psalm, Silent Hill: Book of Memories

---

In his dream, Armin couldn't move.

Even without doing any reality checks, he was well aware that it was a dream because over the years, his subconscious had summoned this scenario time and time again.

Unfortunately, even with this knowledge in mind the experience didn't get any less awful, nor could he influence it in any way.

In this dream, he was sitting under a starless sky on a surface of grass while total darkness surrounded him. The very spot he was on was the only one slightly illuminated by an unknown light source.

Armin sat there with his knees drawn up, not daring to move. He knew he shouldn't be outside all alone in the middle of the night. He had no idea how he had gotten there. Maybe he had simply been dropped off and forgotten.

He had a faint notion that there was a road nearby, but he wasn't sure where it led. Maybe homeward.

Wherever 'home' was now.

He wanted to get up and leave, but his body refused to move. Something terrible would happen if he left this dim circle of light and entered the darkness around him. Something was lurking within that unnatural blackness. "The worst things are the ones you can't see." His nightmare made Armin understand the meaning behind this quote about the nature of psychological horror in every gruesome detail.

The longer he sat in the dark, the stronger the terror grew. He couldn't leave, but neither could he remain in this tense position forever. An icy chill started to creep over the back of his neck as if he felt the breath of something that was slowly getting closer. Every fiber of his body was now screaming for escape yet at the same time he was frozen with fear. He trembled beneath the threatening cold behind him, which became more and more terrifying. Any second now it would be too late, whatever was lurking there would reach for him and grab him...

Each time, Armin would wake up before anything could happen, just when he felt that he could no longer stand the paralyzing fear. It wasn't a quick jolt but an agonizingly slow awakening, in which it took far too long for the nightmare to fade. His heart was racing and his body was tense as reality gradually took shape around him.

No in-depth psychological analysis had been needed for Armin to understand the meaning and reason behind this scenario, in which he suddenly found himself scared and left alone in the dark. A toned-down version had first appeared sporadically after his parents had passed away. After death had taken away his grandfather as well, and thus his last beloved family member, the nightmare became a regular visitor to Armin's sleep. No matter how often he dreamt it, it always played out in the exact same way.

Armin was even aware of why the cold chill on his neck felt so real. The first time he had awoken from this dream, he found the bedroom window wide open. He had forgotten to close it before falling asleep. So the cold had actually been real, only it had been a harmless breeze and not the breath of a sinister threat.

At the age of thirteen, shortly after he had moved in with his aunt, Child Welfare had decided to have Armin see a counselor a couple of times. There was no particular event that prompted this - after suffering several losses and living through various changes at such a young age, they simply deemed it necessary to officially check whether he was still functioning properly.

The counselor had been a kind woman who had asked him numerous questions and listened to him attentively, eventually reaching the conclusion that Armin was indeed still functioning well enough. Unfortunately, she had not been able to make the nightmare go away, albeit she had offered helpful advice after Armin had told her about it.

"It's understandable that you feel abandoned after everything you went through. But keep in mind that you still have someone to look out for you, someone who is now taking care of you. I'm sure once you get to know your aunt a little better, you will no longer feel lost. Before going to sleep, try to visualize her rescuing you from the situation in your dream."

Over the next few years, Armin had kept trying to imagine how the lights of his aunt's BMW would light up in the darkness of his nightmare and how she would help him escape from this dreadful place, but to no avail.

Also, not even in his dreams could he have seriously pictured his aunt taking him into her arms.

Armin had been a little disappointed to find that his relationship with Reiner did not put an end to the problem either.

Envisioning this scene with his boyfriend coming to the rescue was actually easy. Reiner, being strong, and apparently not afraid of anything, fit the role of a savior perfectly.

The nightmare, however, continued to haunt Armin's sleep every few weeks, even after he had moved in with his lover and protector. Maybe his subconscious simply needed time to get used to this wonderful fact.

After all, sometimes he had to keep reminding himself that his life would be fine from now on.

Nevertheless, those nights became much more bearable with having someone by his side. When Armin – rigid with fear – slowly awoke, he no longer had to suffer the aftermath alone. Now he could nestle into Reiner's comforting embrace.

He felt safe and sheltered in his boyfriend's arms.

Until being with Reiner began to cause a whole set of new nightmares.

---

Slowly but surely, the tutoring sessions with Eren became Armin's favorite part of the week.

Which, in this case, meant they were the one part he actually enjoyed, and could even look forward to in advance. Those were the days that made him feel a bit more alive.

There hadn't been anything like that in the months in which he had been busy with simply trying to exist somehow.

Although the point of those sessions was to support Eren, they also enriched Armin's own life in several ways.

For one, being able to help someone did his self-esteem a world of good. He realized how he had focused on his shortcomings only for far too long, to the point where he had almost forgotten that there were areas in which he excelled.

He also took a bit of pride in himself.

Just a few weeks ago, Eren had been convinced that he would never be able to achieve a score worthwhile on any assessment test. By now, Armin had no doubt that with the right support – in this case, his own – Eren could earn results that would prove him to be college material.

Behind Eren's cool appearance, Armin had been surprised to discover, a burning ambition lay dormant that became more and more evident. He was secretly flattered by the knowledge that he had played a part in igniting this fire in the brunet boy. Even though it still seemed rather strange to him to have impressed Eren with the fact that losing his family had not affected his performance in school. But far be it from him to question Eren's motivation.

A week after their first lesson, Armin received a cheerfully reproachful call from Marco.

"Armin Arlert, how come you're teaching Eren Yaeger mathematics all of a sudden, and why do I have to learn about it from him first? Care to explain?" He sounded absolutely thrilled.

"It's not like I wanted to make a secret of it. I just didn't think it was a breaking news story that needed to be announced immediately."

Admittedly, That was only half the truth. Although he definitely would have told Marco himself in the near future, a small part of Armin had enjoyed sharing something with Eren that involved only the two of them.

"Not sure how to answer the first question. I offered him help when we were at his party but he didn't seem interested. Next thing you know he calls me the morning after, all set on giving it a try."

Armin decided that it was not his place to go into detail and tell Marco what Eren had confided in him about his mother and her wish for him to attend college.

He heard Marco laughing softly. "Sounds like him all right. He has always been the impulsive type. In the past, he also tended to be extremely ambitious once he had set his eyes on a goal. Good to know he's still got it in him. You must have made quite an impression."

"Seems like it." Once again, Armin preferred to keep his answer vague.

"You see how men are unable to resist your charms? Some even go through the ordeals of non-linear equations just to be close to you."

"Haha." Armin wished Marco could see him rolling his eyes. "That's definitely not the case here."

"Who knows! But I was right, wasn't I?" Marco sounded pleased. "You two get along well, even though you're quite different. I knew you would. Didn't I say you would?"

"Yes, yes, yes, you were absolutely right to drag me to this party in your infinite wisdom and I will make sure to recommend the services of Marco Bodt Friendship Inc."

"You do that!"

In the second week, Armin acquired a second-hand bicycle. Not only to spare himself the tiring long walk it took to reach Eren's place. (Public transportation was so inconveniently connected on this route that there was hardly any point in using it). Since he had to leave his apartment more often now anyway, Armin decided he might as well finally start to get to know the surroundings of his new home. After having spent so much time staying (hiding) inside his apartment, the neighborhood was still fairly unfamiliar to him.

It was an almost foreign feeling to not just walk from one place to another with his head down because he had to go there. Now he could stop in between, look around, and consciously perceive how the breeze and the warmth of sun rays were caressing his skin.

In the first month after moving in, Armin had left the shelter of his apartment only for the bare necessities.

The relief that had come with his successful escape had been short-lived, giving way to the crushing weight of a pitch-black depression on the very first day. Hopelessness, humiliation, and the disturbing feeling of missing something that had never existed in the first place had bound him like chains to his new quarters.

A combination of illness and sadness, but incomparably worse. As a child, Armin had frequently been sick, and later, during melancholic phases in which he could not stop reminiscing about his parents, he had often retreated into his room for hours on end.

At some point he would eventually get well again, even after the most persistent illness, and depressing days would eventually pass, opening the way for a view of more enjoyable experiences to come in the future.

In the days following the end of his 'relationship', however, Armin had hit rock bottom. Down here there was no silver lining, no escape from the negative thoughts circling in his head, no motivation to hope for recovery. His limit had officially been reached and overstepped.

Had the years without a real family in which he had felt weak and unimportant not been enough? That the world could be a cruel place was a lesson Armin had learned long ago. At no point had he forgotten it. The world had taken sadistic pleasure in making him believe that one day everything would change for the better and stay that way.

His first attempt to explore his new neighborhood and take a step back into life had been a humbling failure. Before he could even set one foot outside the door of his apartment building, Armin was introduced to his first panic attack.

Upon touching the door handle, he had observed with bewilderment how his hand began to tremble around it. A second later, he realized in horror that all the air had left his lungs. Panic-stricken, Armin had stumbled back a few steps and narrowly managed to sink to the bottom step of the stairwell. His heart had been hammering so hard that it hurt, apparently horrified that he was willing to risk leaving the safety of his apartment without a reason that made it absolutely necessary to do so.

Trembling and gasping for air, Armin had tried to overcome the attack with logic by telling himself how small the chances were of him running into his ex, because:

a) Reiner was not even aware that he was still living in the same city

b) His new home was located at the opposite end of town and thus far away from Reiner's place

c) Reiner was a creature of habit and Armin knew exactly which bars, clubs, stores, and other places he frequented. None of them were anywhere near this neighborhood

It hadn't worked.

"I really don't know what I might do if I ever lost you, Armin." This hadn't been a dramatic declaration of love, Armin had known already the moment Reiner had said the words.

Nor had it helped to tell himself that Reiner could essentially do him no harm whatsoever even if he ran into him in public in the middle of the day, for Reiner had only been the man Armin had learned to fear behind closed doors.

But Armin had not been able to bring himself to take the risk of finding out whether this was still the case.

He hoped with all his heart that Reiner had long since forgotten him. Considering how he had finally managed to go through with the breakup, however, he could assume that Reiner would only be too happy to run into him alone one day in order to give him a "proper" goodbye.

The thought that Reiner might even manage to find out where he lived had made Armin give up altogether. With tears in his eyes, he had waited until his breathing became more stable and his pulse had calmed down to some extent before fleeing back to his apartment, accepting defeat.

He had suffered through anxiety attacks before. A panic attack, striking out of nowhere and triggering intense physical reactions, was a new and even more terrifying experience. The sudden loss of control over body and mind, the dreadful feeling of suffocation, the fear that your heart might stop. The desire to flee without knowing from what and where to.

He hated the idea of something like that happening to him during a lecture, at work, or in the presence of Marco and Jean. Sure, it would be helpful to have someone around if such a moment occurred, but Armin couldn't stand the thought of appearing even weaker in front of his friends than he already felt.

He couldn't even begin to imagine how his body would react if one day he found himself face to face with Reiner.

Following this incident, it had taken two more weeks for Armin to find the courage to go visit Marco from time to time and even longer to feel halfway safe meeting in public outside of his campus.

Ever since he met Eren, life had gradually returned to a more normal state, at least during the day.

It even seemed a little more colorful and brighter than before; not only because spring was now in full bloom.

Armin enjoyed spending time with Eren.

Starting with their second tutoring session, Armin experienced hardly any anxiety beforehand and soon it seemed silly to him to ever have been afraid of being alone with Eren.

Judging from his observation, Eren felt similar.

Not that he had at any point assumed that Eren was in any way worried about being near him, but Armin, who – ironically – was good at reading people (except when it came to Reiner, when using that skill would have been dearly needed; Love, or rather naivety paired with a deprived childhood, is blind indeed) could distinguish between superficial kindness and genuine joy when someone interacted with him. He had gotten more than enough practice both in high school and while living with his aunt.

Eren, little by little, seemed to enjoy his presence for his own sake. He had been nice to Armin from the start, but soon enough there was a sincere warmth in the smile with which he greeted him.

Armin liked Eren's smile.

The dark-haired boy used it sparingly. Sometimes they both laughed about things, but the way the corners of Eren's mouth would occasionally gently turn upward when they talked seemed particularly precious to him. At times, it got the butterflies in his stomach all excited.

Armin wondered if they were friends.

It felt like they were.

Although the official reason why he visited twice a week was to help Eren with algebra, he would stay at his place for at least one more hour once they were done. The fact that Eren provided him with lunch on Saturdays and dinner during the weekdays was, of course, part of the arrangement, but by now, fried rice, tandoori dishes, and pizza boxes had become more of a secondary matter.

While waiting for delivery service to arrive, they passed the time chatting about topics ranging from everyday occurrences to in-depth thoughts about video games, movies, and other forms of entertainment.

Marco was right, the two of them were quite different. Both in their appearance and in their natures.

Eren, tall, dark-haired, and dressed even darker, radiated a cool determination and rebellious stubbornness. He was into games like Battlefield and had a preference for all kinds of action: sports, movies in which car chases and explosions played an essential role, clubs with loud and heavy music. He was also planning to get a motorcycle one day (black, of course).

Armin, delicately built and from his blond, chin-length hair to his clothes in soft and bright shades, had 'well-behaved' written all over him. He was easily overlooked and usually classified as mild-mannered even from a distance. He preferred to be a spectator rather than a participant, entered virtual worlds to catch Pokémon, enjoyed anime and fantasy, and could spend hours on the details and background of all sorts of things.

Armin was happy to discover that their differences didn't clash. Eren didn't make fun of things that labeled Armin a geek or a nerd according to social rules, and Armin was open to topics that had nothing to do with his own preferences.

Surely this was a sign that they were more than just friends of mutual friends.

For the time being, they stayed away from heavy topics such as family and certain events of the past, which was just fine with Armin – even though he supposed that there were quite a few things for both of them to be said.

After studying, they would eat while sitting on Eren's sofa and follow Walter White's humble beginnings as an underpaid chemistry teacher on the big flat-screen TV (Eren had seen the series twice already, which according to him wasn't nearly often enough, much to Armin's delight as it had been on his To Watch list forever but he lacked the necessary streaming account; paying for ebooks, audiobooks, and anime subscriptions had to suffice for the time being, until he could afford to spend more money on such services in good conscience).

Armin soon provided additional entertainment by bringing along the Japanese candy he occasionally ordered from overseas. Some of it tasted extremely funny, and culinary experiments like sugar-coated pieces of squid were definitely more fun when experienced together.

Truth to be told, during their very first 'Netflix & Food' Armin had hardly been able to focus either on food nor the things happening on-screen, because now Eren and he were sitting pretty close to each other and on the same piece of furniture.

For Armin, such a level of proximity was confusing. On the one hand, it was nice and somehow exciting, on the other, it felt overwhelming because nothing was as easy as it once had been (before Reiner).

As a result, he had spent the first fifteen minutes carefully shifting on the cushion, constantly changing position in order to find one that was comfortable but without running the risk of accidentally touching Eren's hand or leaning too close to him and ending up sitting shoulder to shoulder with him.

He hadn't expected Eren to pick up on his nervousness until the brunet – without taking his eyes off the screen – asked out of the blue: "Am I that intimidating, or are you just that shy?"

Armin had winced in embarrassment, worried that Eren might conclude he was uncomfortable in his presence and wouldn't invite him to stay next time. An all-too-familiar heat spread across his cheeks.

To his relief, the glance Eren had given him from the side had been more amused than upset.

"The latter," Armin had replied with an abashed laugh. Great, now he probably thinks you're weird.

"I don't bite. At least not while there are still some spring rolls left, I swear."

Grateful that Eren was trying to help him overcome his awkwardness, Armin had silently taken a deep breath to clear the tension from his body as well as his mind.

Seriously, what was he afraid of? That Eren might try to do something inappropriate if he got too close to him on a sofa? That a panic attack was more likely to occur on a sofa than at a table?

The next time, he felt much more relaxed sitting next to Eren.

By the fourth time, Armin realized he wouldn't mind if they accidentally touched.

By the sixth time, he figured it would actually feel quite nice if their hands happened to brush against each other.

Armin considered this development to be a good sign. After ending his 'relationship', he had not been comfortable with the idea of being touched – apart from by Marco – for quite a while. He, of all people, who had been downright craving physical contact. His body had grown to distrust all touches, even the friendly ones.

Feeling comfortable with innocent physical contact would be further proof that he and Eren were close enough for a real friendship.

Armin was sure he could handle friendship.

He couldn't estimate in the slightest whether he would be able to handle anything beyond that. Not anymore.

Eren was undeniably handsome. From his green-blue eyes to his lean but muscular physique that could be sensed under his dark hoodies, he made an alluring sight. Despite a certain aloofness, he had an engaging nature and showed sovereignty that made him appear quite mature for being 19 years only.

Nevertheless, Armin denied himself any ideas that went beyond friendship with Eren, no matter how much the butterflies in his stomach would have liked to give in to such a fantasy every now and then.

As strong as the longing for affection remained for that one special person in life was – caution was stronger.

It was a Saturday afternoon and their eighth meeting. The more time they spent together, the longer it took Armin to go home, and sometimes he found it difficult to leave at all.

Today's topic of conversation as their evening drew to its end was American football, or rather the lack of it that Eren had to endure while living abroad. During those years, he had had to settle for soccer as a hobby ("Germans are obsessed with soccer."). He was now looking for a team to join so that he could finally go back to chasing an oval-shaped ball instead of a round one.

Armin listened intently, even though both soccer and football were a mystery to him. During high school, he had kept his distance from anything sports-related. If he had known Eren back then, however, Armin would have been eager to watch him play.

Eventually, Eren turned to his phone, scrolled away briefly, and then looked back at him. "So, I'll be seeing you tonight?"

Armin nearly choked on a mouthful of melon-flavored KitKat.

Seeing? Tonight?

Was Eren proposing that they should meet tonight? As in a non-mathematical meeting? A meeting between two friends? He would love that.

Because Eren could not possibly be talking about a date. That would be a totally unexpected move on Eren's behalf and after all, Armin had forbidden himself to even think about something like that. On the other hand – maybe a jump into the deep end would be just what he needed and a very casual, very non-committal date with someone he had gotten along well so far shouldn't be a problem but still, he felt in no way ready for–

Eren held up his phone. "Haven't seen the messages in the group chat yet? Samuel is planning some guys' night out thing."

Oh.

Oh.

Of course.

"He wants to go to some bar that I have never heard of and that he described as 'trendy', which I assume means pretentious and overpriced," Eren continued. "It's actually close by. Boy, this place changed a lot while I was gone. Then again, I never thought I'd live in this neighborhood anyway."

"What made you come to this part of the city of all places?" Armin had wanted to ask this question since his very first visit.

As impressive as the apartment was - Eren, in all his glory of piercings, tattoos that were visible even when wearing long sleeves and those black jeans that were artfully destroyed in various places, looked wonderfully out of place in this venerable building with all its pillars and stucco-decorated walls.

Eren laughed, but there was no joy in it. "Well you know, some parents actually take care of their offspring to prove that they care about them, others try to demonstrate it with money. My dad belongs to the second category, so I thought why not go with something over-the-top expensive, then we can both tell ourselves he means it."

"You don't get along with your father?" Armin asked kindly.

Eren shrugged. "Like they say, it's complicated. So, you're in tonight?"

Armin knew Eren well enough by now to understand that he didn't wish to hear anything more about a topic whenever he moved on to another so seamlessly. He respected this wish, although he would have been more than happy to listen to Eren's problems and worries, just like friends did.

"Of course I'm in!"

'Guys' night out' had an appealing ring to it. Armin assumed that such a night would ultimately not be that different from those at which female friends were present as well, but still, there was something grown-up and exclusive about the term.

"Cool." As usual, Eren didn't display too much emotion, but after all, an event like this was probably nothing special for him. "Wanna hang out here and watch some more episodes until then?"

Joy coursed through Armin's body and his heart did a little jump of happiness. Eren wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon with him - another sign that they were officially friends now. Just two minutes ago, he would have immediately accepted this offer with delight, and not only because he wanted to find out how the fictitious drug deals with the Salamanca family would continue.

However, Armin suddenly felt like he could use a shower if he was going out tonight (with Eren). Maybe he should wash his hair, too. His outfit could also be a little more stylish, preferably a shirt that didn't read something like 'Think like a proton + stay positive'.

"Oh, thanks, I really want to, but... um, there are a few things I need to take care of first. Otherwise, I'd love to, of course!" Armin hoped his cheeks didn't look as red as they felt.

"Alright. Good luck with those things then, and see you later. Get ready for some trashy music. Samuel has no taste whatsoever." Eren sighed. "I hope they serve some decent liquor at least."

Armin didn't have any particular demands when it came to alcoholic beverages, and he would have looked forward to the evening even if the place was famous for playing Baby Shark in a continuous loop.

"I'll try to keep my expectations low." He supposed those words didn't quite match his happy tone. "See you later!"

Armin was overcome by a strange excitement that he couldn't quite explain. After all, it wasn't a date, but a gathering with several friends, and Eren wasn't even the one who had suggested it.

Still.

For Armin, it was the second get-together with a larger group this year and the first to take place in public at night. It felt like a strange kind of premiere on the road to recovery. Another step towards normality.

Plus, Eren would be there.

They would spend time together outside of their tutoring sessions. This fact definitely contributed to Armin's excitement.

He spent much longer choosing an outfit than would have been necessary for the occasion, but after having paid little to no attention to his appearance in recent months, he now enjoyed going back to taking more care of his looks.

Armin pushed all the shirts that had witty references to pop culture and science written on them out of the way until he discovered a light green one in his closet. He was about to put it on to see how it would go with the dark jeans but then stopped dead in his tracks. At wrist height, the right sleeve showed several small holes.

His stomach clenched. He had been certain that he had gotten rid of all these shirts. There had been quite a few and some very nice ones among them, which Armin had all ruined by constantly chewing on the sleeves like a little child.

This awkward habit had subsided after he had managed to escape his 'relationship' and some of the affected shirts had still looked presentable despite the minor damage, but Armin couldn't stand having mementos of that shameful time around him and had therefore disposed of all of them.

Clearly, the purge had not been thorough enough.

With grim determination, Armin tossed the garment aside. He would not allow the ghosts of the past to ruin this night. Not again.

When he set off an hour later, dressed in a navy-blue shirt, Armin took the one with the holes with him on his way downstairs and stuffed it in the trash can at the building's entrance.

---

- One year ago -

"I'm going out tonight with Marco and the others. They want to check out this new Indian restaurant. Do you want to join us?" Armin already guessed the answer, but still wanted to make his boyfriend feel welcome.

They had been officially dating for three months and a week. Nothing could have spoiled the pure bliss Armin felt from day one.

Okay, once or twice Cloud Nine had darkened very briefly, which was surely a normal thing to occur. There were Reiner's occasional jokes and remarks that were made at Armin's expense, but he had almost gotten used to ignoring those.

There was also the fact that Reiner showed little to no interest in spending time with Armin's friends.

They had gone on a double date with Marco and Jean twice, and Armin had noticed that while being friendly and polite, Reiner didn't really connect with either of them. Armin had expected Reiner and Marco to get along well since they both had jobs in the same gym and therefore plenty to talk about.

But maybe it was a good thing that both of them had their own circle of friends. Sometimes Armin worried that he was being too clingy. This relationship was the best, no, the most important thing that had ever happened to him. Armin was anxious to make sure that everything he did was right.

Also, if Reiner didn't join him at get-togethers with Marco and the others, then Armin didn't have to feel guilty if, in return, he didn't partake in all the clubbing and partying with Reiner and his posse. Reiner basically spent every single weekend staying out late at night or even early in the morning, which Armin came to find exhausting as time went on. He didn't mind going out, but he needed a quiet weekend every now and then.

"Nah, I'm good," was Reiner's answer, just as expected. "I'm really not into all those weird spices they put in the food. But you go and have fun." He pressed a kiss to Armin's forehead, a gesture that never failed to enchant the smaller blond.

"Thanks." Armin happily returned the kiss. "Not sure how long they're planning to stay, but I'll be back by the last subway at the latest."

---

Upon arriving at the bar, Armin was in good spirits which, in addition to all the obvious reasons, he attributed to the cool night air. As delightful as spring was during the day with all its rich and aromatic fragrances, Armin found the clear, fresh scent that lingered in the night even more stimulating. One deep breath was enough to make him feel wide awake and vivid. It worked better than any energy drink and heightened his perception of details.

The first observation Armin made that evening was that Eren didn't seem to place much value on hugs or similar touches.

As the rest of the group started to roll in, most of them exchanged some form of physical greeting. Marco, Jean and Connie hugged first Armin and then each other with one arm. Samuel shook everyone's hand. Even Floch patted Samuel on the shoulder upon his arrival and dropped a nod to the rest of them. Armin noticed that it turned out to be a bit stiffer towards him, which gave him the uncomfortable feeling – just like during their first encounter – that Floch wasn't particularly fond of him.

Eren, although he was joyfully welcomed by almost everyone, made no effort to get close to anyone.

Well, to be fair, he would be surprised if Eren and Jean greeted each other in an affectionate manner since the two seemed to be tolerating each other solely for Marco's sake and Floch was Eren's ex, so perhaps physical contact was no longer appropriate between them.

As for himself, he had seen Eren only a few hours ago. He assumed it would be odd to hug after such a short period of separation.

But it'd still be nice.

Eren casually waved at them as he arrived. His posture was not completely dismissive, but somewhat distant. Well, some people were simply not the type for hugging and such. Unimaginable for Armin, but not unusual.

Still - he wouldn't mind finding out how it felt to have Eren briefly pressed against him. In a purely platonic way, of course.

The bar seemed rather bright and friendly to Armin. 'Guys' night out' had made him think of a gloomy pub filled with grim-looking men that downed strong liquor in one go and hardened bartenders saying things like "I think you've had enough" before a fist fight ensued.

Instead, the room was filled with colorful neon lights, happy chatter and pop music. Poor Eren.

Armin had taken a seat between Connie and Marco on the corner bench, while Jean settled down next to Floch on the other side. Thomas was the last to arrive and remained standing. "I'll get us the first round. What's your poison?"

Armin had no idea what his poison was, being almost entirely inexperienced in the matter of alcohol. He preferred not to recall that one time he had hit the bottle a few months ago, and while he was with Reiner, his ex-boyfriend had always made sure to keep him away from liquor. Which, of course, was perfectly fine in and of itself, had Reiner and his friends not been consuming liters of beer and stronger stuff at the same time. His ex was undoubtedly more steadfast in drinking than Armin would ever be, but it was in such moments that Armin had not felt like an equal partner – more like a child who was being patronized.

"If you don't like the flavor of beer or the strong stuff", Connie noticed his hesitation "just have a Mojito. It's basically like drinking lemonade but we're not gonna hold it against you. Tastes super sweet."

"But they are strong," Marco pointed out.

"That's what makes them fun."

He probably should know better. But Armin was tired of taking on the role of the cautious one. Tonight, he wanted to have fun.

"Mojito it is then."

"Smart choice. Don't worry, we won't leave you lying passed out under the table if you go too crazy!" Connie grinned.

Although it was nice to spend time with other people and be part of a group, Armin realized that he felt a little wistful about having to "share" Eren. Somehow, he had gotten used to being alone with the brunet and having him all to himself.

Now Eren sat at the other end of the table, with Connie and Samuel between them, absorbed in conversation with Thomas, who had taken the chair next to him. Then again, he had been shamefully neglecting Marco and Jean lately outside a few shared lunches in the cafeteria, so he ought to be happy to be sitting in the same corner as them.

At least he was until Marco furtively leaned closer toward him and Jean.

"Sooo." He glanced at him expectantly. "Aren't you going to tell us everything about your tutoring sessions with Eren now?"

"No!" Both Armin and Jean protested simultaneously.

"There's nothing to tell." Armin's voice was defensive.

"I don't wanna hear a fucking thing about mathematics or Jaeger in my free time, let alone both combined!" Jean grimly grabbed his glass.

"Jeez, you two are no fun!"

The cocktail tasted like a remarkably delicious mixture of toothpaste and sugar. Its level of alcohol could only be faintly detected in the background, and Armin emptied his large glass in a surprisingly short time. "I'll have another one," he declared twenty minutes later when Jean got up to take care of refills.

"That's the way to go. Always stick to the same booze, don't mix things up." Jean slurred his words just a smidge. Evidently, his own drink had been in the high-proof category.

"Cheers." Marco nudged his second glass lightly against Armin's. "Here's to you and your mathematical seduction skills."

"Oh please. Keep it down!" Armin muttered, although there was no risk that Eren could overhear them with all the chatter and music. He sat (unfortunately) too far away. But Armin didn't want Marco to delve into the subject of Eren even for fun.

Because otherwise, he might start giving it too much thought himself.

While sipping the second mojito through his metal straw, Armin felt a distinct warmth spreading across his cheeks. Shy and easily abashed as he tended to be, Armin knew this feeling all too well, but for a change, he didn't find it unpleasant.

Quite the opposite.

#1 phase of getting drunk: The buzz. Everything becomes better, prettier, and funnier.

By the time his second glass was half gone, the warmth gradually made its way to his hands as well, causing his grip to get less coordinated.

Then, with each additional sip, the world became a little more blurred, his body more weightless, and life more cheerful.

It was a highly pleasant experience.

All of Connie's jokes, though not particularly polished humor, had him laughing out loud. Never before had the beats of Pumped Up Kicks sounded so stimulating. Marco and Jean were the bestest friends and people in the whole world. Eren's eyes shone like two beautiful emeralds and even Floch's company seemed somewhat enjoyable in this blurry light.

So this is what intoxication feels like.

Armin was delighted. Present life had hardly ever struck him as carefree as it did right now. Everything around him was wrapped in a cocoon of warmth and bliss. Where had the broodings gone that usually never left him alone for longer than a few minutes?

Ex-boyfriends, losses, and shortcomings no longer existed. The alcohol had driven them out of his head and spread sheer euphoria instead, followed by all kinds of inappropriate thoughts.

Most of them involved Eren.

Armin's eyes furtively lingered on Eren's hairdo. He revised his first impression from back then – Eren's man bun was not just smack-bang the in the middle of wild and stylish, but also kind of cute and hot. He wondered if he would be able to pull off the look if he tied his own hair into a knot.

Most likely not. He could answer this question before even trying.

This led him to wonder what Eren looked like with his hair down. Armin pictured those silky dark strands flowing over Eren's shoulders and despite the warmth of the alcohol he felt a pleasant shiver run through him.

His gaze continued to wander until it reached the tribal tattoo visible on Eren's wrist and all of a sudden he felt the urge to ask Eren how far up his arm it went and if he had any more on other parts of his body.

He could muster just enough self-control to keep himself from yelling the question across the table.

Alcohol makes you cheerful, but also lose control. Theoretically, he had known about this effect. It was frightening how easily it came into practice.

"Who can handle some more?" This time it was Eren who rose from his seat, much to Armin's delight. If possible, his face felt even warmer when Eren's eyes eventually fell on him, happy to finally talk to him in person, even if it was just about drinks. "Thanks, I think I'm good for now." Before he really ended up doing or saying something inappropriate.

"Alright then." Eren winked at him, which made Armin's pulse quicken for a moment and he shyly averted his eyes. Was it that obvious that he'd better not have any more drinks?

Head lowered and bangs falling into his face, his eyes discreetly followed Eren as he walked towards the bar.

Although the room seemed to be swaying a good deal, Armin could clearly see that he wasn't the only one in here paying attention to Eren. Both women and men were checking him out as he crossed the room, some subtle, some less subtle, and who could blame them? Even if you weren't particularly into the black-clad metal type, Eren had a presence to him that made heads turn.

The blond bartender was even openly flirting with him or at least that's what it looked like. He kept talking to him without breaking eye contact while handling bottles and glasses, giving him a lascivious smile in between. Eren himself was leaning against the counter with his head slightly tilted, apparently interested in the conversation.

For a few seconds, the alcohol's exhilarating effect faded.

Armin turned away, feeling a strange kind of frustration somewhere in his stomach area. He wished someone else had gone to take care of the next round of drinks.

"Need to go to the bathroom," he murmured into Marco's ear, kind of glad to have a reason to leave the room for a minute. Marco made way and Armin had to grab the edge of the table to be able to stand up at all.

He heard a faint snort coming from Floch's direction and noticed that the redhead was also staring at Eren – with a slightly annoyed expression on his face. It got even more annoyed when he turned away and caught Armin looking at him. "What?" he asked pointedly.

"N-nothing." Armin quickly lowered his gaze. He wasn't exactly making progress in befriending Floch.

#2 phase of being drunk: The balance problem. Earth is rotating a lot faster than usual.

Getting to the restrooms proved to be a challenge because the bar was spinning constantly. The way back was even more complicated because he tried to pull the door open for several seconds until he realized that it had to be pushed.

A few feet from their table, Armin noticed that Eren had returned and moved onto the corner bench next to Marco. They were talking to each other, but their eyes were fixed on him while they did. They both seemed highly entertained.

Embarrassment swept over him. No doubt the two had just been talking about him. About how I'm indisputably a total lightweight? Armin made an effort to walk upright and in a straight line on the last few meters before reaching their table.

Instead of rising and returning to his previous chair, Eren moved to the side, making room next to him. The butterflies in Armin's stomach tumbled back and forth with glee. Apparently, they were drunk too.

He tried to sit down with as much grace as he could manage in his current condition.

"Hey."

"Hey."

They grinned at each other.

Eren's cheeks were ever so slightly flushed and he too made an unusually cheerful impression. Not as intoxicated as Armin, but certainly no longer sober. Eren leaned in closer to him, his breath tickling Armin's cheek. "You good?"

"Yessss," Armin replied blissfully. He was more than good. The world was spinning but beautiful. Finally, he had a chance to talk to Eren alone. Jean had turned to Floch and Marco was occupied with Connie. Even better, he and Eren had never before sat this close to each other. Their legs were almost touching.

"So, does this place meet your standards in terms of liquor and music?" Armin rested his head on one palm, playfully wrapping a lock of hair around his fingers. He couldn't give a good reason as to why he was doing this – maybe to make Eren realize that the bartender wasn't the only blond in here?

Eren's green eyes briefly followed the movements of his fingers. He chuckled. "It's… acceptable. The beer's all right. Music could be better. Much better."

"Not enough metal?"

"Definitely not enough metal." Eren took a sip from his glass and then looked at Armin inquiringly. "What is your take on metal, by the way? Honest opinion?"

Armin suspected that Eren had meant to ask him this question for quite a while. After all, Eren worshipped this genre of music. Therefore, Armin tried to put his own feelings into words as diplomatically as possible.

"Honestly, I find metal to be a bit too much… noise."

"Good to know – you are hereby fired and banned from my property effective immediately."

"Sorry!" Armin held onto his empty glass, giggling. "But I'm afraid most of it sounds just like a lot of aggressive screaming to me."

"God, you sound just like my old man," Eren groaned, clutching his heart in a dramatic gesture.

"Aww." Armin had to stop himself from bursting into more silly giggles. "I'm so sorry to hear that. Maybe I just need to look into it a little more. The other day I came across a book about heavy metal at the library. I'll read it in your honor."

"Seriously? Someone wrote a book about heavy metal?" Eren asked in disbelief.

"More than one, actually."

"That's crazy. Well, maybe that means there are some books worth reading after all."

Armin had been surprised to discover that, despite his aversion to books, Eren had almost no difficulties mastering the writing and reading parts of the assessment tests. In his private time, however, he refused to pick up any kind of book.

Armin felt slight anger against the unknown Mr. Jaeger, who had probably meant well when he forced his son to read but had thus deprived Eren of enjoying it. The thought of someone giving up on books because they were introduced to them as an annoying task rather than the miracle they are was unbearable to Armin.

"There are, Eren! For real. Books are..." There were many great words and quotes in Armin's head to adequately describe the wonders of reading – usually. Currently, the mojitos in his system were causing so much confusion that he could barely form a meaningful sentence.

He tried anyway, in one single breath.

"They're like magic! All you need to do is turn to a page and suddenly you find yourself in a totally different world! Books can open the way to so many new ideas, they can provide you with so much knowledge and inspire you to explore the wonders of this earth, like the sea and the desert and the volcanoes! Books can help you... escape from the bad things in life for a while. They can make you laugh, they can make you cry, they can make you feel excited, they can help you fall asleep, they can motivate you, and they can comfort you. They can do... so many things," Armin concluded in exhaustion, gasping for air.

"Okay, okay, I believe you!" Eren laughed. "Sounds like I'm missing out. Maybe I did write off reading a little too soon."

He looked at Armin with an amused grin but also a certain warmth in his eyes. "It's not like I never heard one of those 'books are great' speeches before, but it just hits differently when a cute drunk shouts it into your face with so much enthusiasm."

This time Armin was sure that his cheeks turned a few shades darker.

"How about next time we meet I download you some songs that will prove to you how wrong you are about metal being just noise, and you can pick me a book from my shelf that's supposed to make reading fun. Deal?"

"Deal!" Armin beamed.

"I'll smoke to that. Be right back."

Armin carefully stood up to let him pass and then flopped back down, scooting closer to Marco while Eren went outside along with Thomas and Samuel for his 'one-per-party' cigarette. Armin slouched deeper into his seat and pressed a cheek against Marco's shoulder.

"Marco," Armin began in a musing voice that was usually reserved for profound philosophical conversations. "What do you think Eren means when he calls me a 'cute drunk'? Does he mean that I'm cute because I'm drunk? Or that I'm cute in general and currently happen to be drunk? Or that it's cute how alcohol affects people or– "

"I think he means exactly what he said," Marco interrupted him with a chuckle. "That you're cute and that you've had one too many. I agree with both statements."

"Oh. Wow." Armin let that sink in.

"It's great to see you like this, Armin."

Armin looked up at him in disbelief. "Drunk?"

"Happy!" Marco patted him on the shoulder. "You seem in a much better mood lately. Are you feeling better?"

Armin weighed his answer carefully. "In some ways, yes. I'm going outside more often. The nightmares have become less." Not any less disturbing, unfortunately. There were still more than enough negative aspects and phases that kept reminding him that the past wasn't something you could just lock away and forget about, but he did not wish to discuss any of those right now.

"Marco," Armin abruptly changed the subject. "Do you know what happened back at Eren's high school? Why he left so suddenly?"

Armin felt a little guilty for asking these questions. He had decided weeks ago that all the rumors about Eren's controversial past would not prevent him from wanting to be friends with Eren, and Eren himself avoided the subject at all costs.

He was almost relieved when Marco slowly shook his head.

"I don't think anyone here knows the details. One day, out of the blue, he texted me and the others announcing that he was going abroad to stay with some relatives for a while. After that, I didn't hear from him for quite some time until he finally started replying to my messages every now and then. A while turned into a few years. He never wanted to talk about what happened so I didn't press the issue."

Marco took a thoughtful sip from his glass.

"To be honest, he used to be extremely hot-headed back then. His dad had pulled some strings to get him into this elite high school, even though Eren would have much rather gone somewhere else. As the years went by, more and more rumors came out that he was considered to be a delinquent in his school. As far as I know, he hardly ever spent time with his classmates. He mostly hung out with me and the other guys in the afternoons, but even that became less and less.

"Occasionally, I saw him trying to push some boundaries – juvenile shenanigans like sneaking out at night or trying to buy liquor when he wasn't old enough. From time to time he also got into fights with random idiots. But he wasn't a bully and he never harassed anyone. Even though– " Marco hesitated.

"I mean, obviously there must be some reason why he got expelled or why his father decided to take him out of school, depending on what really happened. But even if he did something bad,it doesn't define Eren as a person. I refuse to believe that. He once saved me from a very bad situation and I won't ever forget that. Also, if I didn't think he was trustworthy, I wouldn't have introduced you to him in the first place."

"I know that." Armin sighed. He hadn't received an answer to his questions, but it was nice to hear Marco talking about Eren in such a way.

"That being said, he sure has grown up while he was gone. Both mentally and physically. Especially physically. Like, damn."

"Mhm," Armin made a pensive sound. "Yeah, he sure is handsome."

"Armiiin." All of a sudden, Marco's tone was rather teasing. "Could it be that you have a little crush on Eren?"

"It's not a crush," Armin protested in alarm, sitting up straight. "It's just... I like him. I enjoy spending time with him. And yeah, I think he's objectively good-looking. But that's about it."

"Isn't that pretty much the definition of a crush?"

Armin chose to ignore the question. "That aside, Eren plays in a completely different league. Even if I had a crush on him – which I don't – I wouldn't stand a chance."

"Armin." There was a gentle reproach in Marco's voice. "Come on."

Armin sighed and leaned against Marco's shoulder once more. "I don't mean it like that" He thought hard about how he could express what exactly he meant. The words continued to swirl around in his head and were therefore difficult to grasp. "What I mean is, I don't think I'd be Eren's type. Judging by his ex-boyfriend here, I guess he's more into the tall and confident type."

"But he's no longer with that particular type, no?" Marco remarked wisely.

"Anyway, it's not a crush," Armin put an end to the subject. The fact that he couldn't even discuss such a harmless topic with his closest friend simply for fun probably didn't speak for his entertainment value.

A crush sounded harmless.

Reiner had seemed harmless.

Nothing in life had ever been easy or harmless for Armin. He refused to fall for it again.

A bowl with tortilla chips appeared on the table. Armin, who was not usually the biggest fan, realized that he was starving and grabbed two full hands. The savory triangles crumbled under his teeth, sending orange dust raining down onto the table.

#3 The craving phase: Everything looks tasty. Everything.

Eren, Samuel, and Thomas returned and Armin had to pause mid-chew when he saw that one of his unspoken questions from before had been answered: Eren had taken off his hoodie. The short-sleeved shirt underneath revealed that his tribal tattoo almost reached his elbow.

Armin had to force himself not to stare too bluntly at the entwined ink lines adorning Eren's toned forearm and his smooth, lightly tanned skin.

He briefly closed his eyes and let his head sink onto the tabletop. Surely alcohol was also to blame for how pleasantly tired he was, ready for a nap despite all the chatter and music surrounding him.

Armin felt the desire to cuddle up somewhere. He wished Eren had sat down next to him again.

Eren's well-shaped shoulders looked perfect for cuddling.

Dreamily, Armin opened his eyes again and sipped from a straw, only vaguely aware that it was Marco's glass.

"Armin," Eren suddenly said cheerfully, turning away from Thomas. "You got crumbs in your hair."

"Hmm?" Absent-mindedly, Armin straightened up and looked around. "What? Where?"

"Here, hold on." Eren laughed and extended a hand across the table, reaching for Armin's golden strands.

Looking up, Armin saw the hand moving toward his face - and before his brain could fully assess the situation, his body reacted instinctively.

With a terrified gasp, Armin ducked and threw himself backward in a violent motion. His body hit the wall behind him, pressing against it, hands raised in protection.

The shock went through him so forcefully that he felt sober again within a second.

Startled silence fell over the table and even the music seemed to fade into the background for a moment.

Eren's hand had frozen in mid-air, a distraught expression showing on his face.

"Sorry," they both stammered almost simultaneously.

Eren pulled his hand back.

Cheeks burning and heart racing, Armin moved away from the wall and forced himself into a normal position. "I'm sorry." He cleared his throat. "I just got startled. No harm done."

He didn't dare to meet Eren's eyes.

Congratulations Armin, after spending all this time imagining how nice it would feel to be touched by Eren, you can be sure that this was his first and last attempt.

The others exchanged confused glances and then – except for Jean and Marco – hesitantly resumed their conversations.

"Armin... you okay?" he heard Marco whisper beside him, his voice filled with worry. Armin forced himself to nod and then pretended to be checking his phone so he wouldn't have to look anyone in the face. A few seconds later, he put it away again. "Restroom. Be right back." He still kept his eyes firmly averted from Eren.

It was a pathetically transparent attempt to escape the situation.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Marco offered softly.

"No," said Armin. "No, thanks. It's fine, really," he added firmly when Jean opened his mouth.

Nothing was fine.

Still, he hoped that neither of them would try to follow him. He needed to be alone for a moment.

At least he was not to remain the only one to cause a scene that night.

Phase #4 The Crash: Reality hits you in the face.

Even in the restrooms, an unnecessary number of colorful neon lights decorated the walls, determined to provide a cheerful atmosphere no matter where you went. Armin could not imagine a less fitting environment while his fingers clenched around the cold, white porcelain of the sink. Shakily, he took several deep breaths, hoping to keep control that way. No tears, please. No panic attack, please. Not now.

All the euphoria that the alcohol had conjured up was gone. What remained was a dull feeling of nausea.

Armin met his feverishly glistening eyes in the mirror.

Why couldn't things be normal for just once?

Why couldn't he be normal?

How could he have allowed himself to become someone who lost his composure so easily?

Just like last time, the evening had gone on well for far too long. He should have known better. Blinking away tears, Armin brushed the crumbs out of his strands with his fingers.

It would have been nice to feel Eren's hand in his hair.

He splashed cold water on his face as if he could wash away the anger he felt towards himself and everything that had happened. He tried to calculate how long he could stay there without Marco and Jean reporting him missing, but long enough for the rest – except for Eren, no doubt – to forget about the incident.

When he finally felt ready and stepped back outside, he wasn't too surprised to find Eren standing a few steps away from the door. For the first time since they met, the brunet looked insecure. It hurt Armin to know that he was the reason why.

"Hey." Eren's voice sounded strained.

"Hey." His own didn't sound any better.

Eren looked him in the eye. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to overstep your boundaries."

"You didn't," Armin said hastily. "I'm the one who's sorry. I totally overreacted."

"You don't have to apologize for not wanting to be touched," Eren said seriously.

Armin shook his head in despair. "It's not that! I... I'm just not used to drinking. It seems to make me a little... jumpy."

"I see."

Armin could clearly tell that Eren did not believe him. It was no wonder; after all, the explanation was not the truth, and Armin had never been a good liar.

The silence between them was not a comfortable one. Unspoken words hung in the air like dark clouds.

"You know," Eren finally began. "Sometimes I can't shake the feeling that you're scared of me. But I suppose that's what you get when your reputation as a knife-wielding maniac precedes you." He couldn't conceal the bitterness in his voice that robbed his words of any attempted humor.

Armin looked at him in dismay. "What? No, Eren, that had nothing to do with it!" he exclaimed, horrified that Eren had come to such a conclusion. On the other hand – how could he have not?

During their very first meeting at the party, Eren must have noticed that Armin hadn't liked the idea of being alone with him, and since then Armin had acted noticeably nervous in his presence on more than one occasion. Of course, none of that was Eren's fault.

"It's okay, you know. I'm used to being seen as the bad guy." Eren tried to form a smile but did not succeed. There was a searching look in his eyes as if he secretly hoped to hear an alternative explanation from Armin.

For a moment, Armin wanted to pour his heart out to Eren, wanted to assure him that all the rumors about his past as a 'delinquent' had nothing to do with the way he had reacted.

That yes, certain situations did trigger fear in him, but they had nothing to do with Eren personally. On the contrary, that he was doing much better since they started spending time together, that he felt happy when Eren was with him and that by now he wouldn't mind Eren touching him at all.

If this was a movie, this would have been the moment in which they would tearfully share their sorrows and secrets, and sweet words and a hug would solve all problems.

Happy ending.

But it wasn't a movie. Of course, Eren would not dare to try touching him again after what had happened, let alone make an attempt to hug him.

Armin himself felt paralyzed, incapable of clarifying the situation with words or actions.

Say something. Anything, just don't leave without an explanation, don't let him believe that it's his fault.

But his lips refused to put the past into words and thus let it become reality. His head felt too messed up to create a more credible lie. Offering no further explanation, he lowered his eyes to the ground.

"I think we should head back before the others start missing us," he finally broke the silence, hating himself for it.

"Yeah. You're right, guess we should." Never had he heard Eren speak in such a put-upon tone.

Armin walked ahead with his head down.

Everyone else soon forgot about the incident, although Marco and Jean occasionally gave him worried sideways glances, which Armin would resolutely counter with one that was supposed to say Yes, I'm fine and No, I don't want to talk about it until they stopped. Since the pair had seen him returning with Eren, they most likely assumed that they had successfully discussed the matter, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Every now and then he felt Eren's gaze on him. Armin managed to return it with an unstable smile in a fruitless attempt to revive the good mood from earlier.

But he could fool neither himself nor Eren.

Around midnight, the group began to disperse. Floch was the first to rise and bid goodbye.

"You gonna take a cab?" Eren inquired.

"Of course not," Floch replied cheerily. "I came here by car."

Eren shook his head. "I know, but you can't drive so soon after drinking."

Floch laughed. "I'm fine, no worries, I had my last drink ages ago."

"I literally watched you have a beer within the last hour."

Floch raised his eyebrows. "Well, thanks for watching me so attentively, but I'm sure it was much more than an hour ago. I'm perfectly capable of handling a five-minute car ride."

"I don't care what you think you're capable of."

Within a second, Eren's voice turned so sharp that all the other conversations at the table fell immediately silent.

"It's too soon for you to be one hundred percent sober, so either take a cab or walk."

This time Eren didn't seem to mind that he was causing an interruption.

Floch looked taken aback for a moment, then his expression darkened.

"Listen," he hissed in a low voice as if to prevent the rest of them from overhearing the argument. A pointless undertaking, because although they all stared intently at the walls, the floor, or their phones, it was obvious that everyone was listening, voluntarily or not. "You are in no position to lecture anyone about drinking. I've seen you getting wasted to the point of passing out more than once."

"Maybe, but I sure as hell never tried to get behind a steering wheel while I was."

Armin dared to observe Eren from the corner of his eyes. He sat there perfectly calm, but his green-blue eyes were locked on Floch and there was a burning rage in them that for once made Eren look threatening indeed.

Floch refused to be intimidated. "I'm telling you, it was much longer than an hour ago. No way I'm gonna spend money on a cab when I'm sober and have my car waiting outside!"

"If it's such an impossible task for you to scratch up a few bucks then come to my place and sleep on the sofa for all I care."

"Jeez, Eren! If you want to have me back in your bed, all you have to do is say so. No need to put on such a show!" Floch's voice was dripping with mockery.

Eren must still care a lot about Floch if he's that worried about his safety and well-being. Armin was aware that this was a petty thought and absolutely nothing he should be wistful about at the moment.

Also, Eren didn't seem so much worried as enraged.

Armin wondered if Floch had messed up in the past somehow to receive such a public reprimand.

Honestly, the redhead certainly looked perfectly sober to him. During the entire night, he hadn't drunk nearly as much as the rest of them.

Armin was puzzled that Eren, a rebel from head to toe, could be this strict about rules.

Eren ignored Floch's provocative words. His voice was a growl now. "You're not driving."

"Oh yeah? And how exactly are you going to stop me?"

Eren rose and Armin's stomach sank.

"Hey, hey!" Jean forced his way between the two of them.

"Maybe you can work this out without getting all of us kicked out? How about you calm the hell down–" Jean nodded at Eren. "And you–" he turned to Floch "I suppose you know that Marco's uncle Nile is a police officer? He's warned us more than once about police doing sobriety tests in this area on weekends and they're always on the lookout for young drivers. Are you absolutely sure it was more than an hour ago? Because otherwise, even if you drive picture perfect, you might be in trouble if you end up at a checkpoint and they make you take a breath test. Just saying, man. Marco and I are calling a cab now anyway, so why don't you join us and pick up your car tomorrow morning? Maybe that's better than risking getting a fine and points on your driver's license just so you don't have to take a walk tomorrow?"

Armin admired Jean for so much unexpected diplomacy, which was usually Marco's forte.

Floch chewed on his lower lip for a short while and eventually gave an irritated sound. "All right, all right. Fine then. Make sure to hurry!" He grabbed his jacket and went outside without granting Eren another word or glance.

Eren watched him with a dark expression as he left. "Never thought we'd agree on something," he murmured in Jean's direction.

"Hey, when you're right, you're right, no matter how rarely that happens. To be honest, I'm almost sure it was at least around an hour ago he had that beer, but better be safe than sorry I say."

"I suppose those surprise sobriety tests don't even exist."

"Not that I would know of, but who cares."

Armin's last profound thought that night was that in the end, Jean and Eren must be connected by something that went beyond tolerance. Perhaps the unspecified 'very bad situation' from which Eren had once saved Marco?

"Boy, and they say women are the ones creating drama," Marco whispered to Armin and stood up. "Will you join us?" Armin nodded. Time to go home, definitely.

While saying goodbye to everyone, he saved Eren for last, desperate to exchange a few extra words with him.

Unfortunately, they didn't feel as personal as before. "Have a good night. Take care." Eren was all friendly, but with a sinking heart, Armin detected a faint hesitation with an undertone of sorrow – a sign that things were no longer the same between them.

He just couldn't let the night end like this, couldn't let this unfortunate little incident ruin what he had built up with Eren so far. Maybe he was not – yet – ready to tell Eren what was going on with him, but at least he could show him that he was not afraid of him or his touch.

Later he couldn't tell what exactly his intention had been. Presumably, he had planned to either pat Eren on the shoulder or shake his hand.

Instead – probably thanks to the remaining alcohol in his system - his body decided on a strange in-between thing, and he ran his fingers carefully over Eren's bare forearm as if to remove dust from him.

If Eren had not already thought him to be weird, Armin had now given him official confirmation.

What kept Armin from feeling awkward about the situation was the blissful sensation that came with touching Eren.

His naked skin lay warm and muscular under Armin's fingertips, which soaked up this pleasant feeling almost hungrily and let it flow throughout the rest of his body.

Delighted, Armin's eyes followed how his own pale skin highlighted against Eren's tanned one and how it contrasted with the black ink patterns of his tattoo.

He heard Eren draw in a surprised breath at his caressing touch. He raised his head and their eyes met. Astonishment and confusion filled Eren's green eyes and Armin smiled, gently but sincerely.

"Goodnight. See you soon."

As he quickly turned around, he caught just a glimpse of the small dazed smile appearing on Eren's face.

The cab was pulling off the side of the road when he stepped outside and into the chilly night air. Armin took a deep breath and then hurried to secure the seat in the front. He figured that a cab ride sitting in the back squeezed against an irritated Floch wouldn't be much fun.

Armin quickly opened the door and dropped onto the passenger's seat.

What a night.

Recalling one more time how Eren's skin had felt against his own, he closed his eyes and pressed his warm cheek against the car's cooling window.

---

- One year ago -

Ten minutes before midnight they started to head home. The Indian restaurant had turned out to be located in the basement of a building in a quiet street that was mainly populated by various dining establishments. Right from the moment they arrived, Sasha had declared that they would have to come here as many times as necessary until they had tried every single restaurant in this area, including every dish on each menu.

While climbing up the stairs leading to the exit, Armin felt his phone vibrating at short intervals, announcing the arrival of several notifications. Eager to catch the next subway which only ran every twenty minutes at this hour, Armin ignored his phone for the time being.

Outside, he quickly bid goodbye to Marco, Jean, Connie, and Sasha, who all had to go in different directions, and three minutes later he managed to squeeze into the subway, mere seconds before its doors closed behind him.

Pleased, Armin dropped into the nearest seat and went on to check his phone. To his surprise, the recent notifications announced that he had missed three calls and four messages from Reiner in the last two hours.

For a short, horrible moment, Armin was seized by the terrible fear that something might have happened (as it had with his mother, his father, his grandfather). Relief washed over him immediately when he saw that the messages merely contained questions about when he would finally come home and why he didn't respond to calls.

On my way. Sorry it took me so long to answer, had no signal in that place. See you in a bit!

Armin completed the message with a kissing emoji and then rested against his seat, sleepy from loads of food, hours of chatting and general happiness.

Fate had finally started to smile on him. He had a partner who loved him, a home he was happy to return to, he had Marco, Jean, and two new friends, and college was a wonderful experience.

At last, life was enjoyable.

"Where have you been?"

Armin had shut the apartment door behind him and was in the process of slipping out of his jacket. Startled by these sudden words coming out of nowhere, he winced, but of course, it was only his boyfriend who was now stepping into the hallway.

"Oh, hey." Armin smiled and hung up his jacket.

"Where have you been?" Reiner repeated. "I've tried to call you multiple times."

"Yeah, I know, I'm really sorry. Didn't you read my message? The restaurant was in a basement area and I didn't realize there was no signal down there until I left."

Reiner eyed him with a piercing look. "And you've been there all this time?"

"Well yes," Armin replied, somewhat surprised by the question. "Where else would I have been?"

Reiner gave no reply and simply kept staring at him. Then he suddenly reached for Armin's jacket and roughly pressed it into the smaller boys' arms. "Put it back on."

Armin held on to it in confusion. "Where are we going?"

Reiner yanked his own camouflaged styled jacket off the hook and turned to face him.

"To that restaurant. If that story is true, I shouldn't get any signal there either, right? If you really spent the entire evening in this place, a member of staff there would have to remember you, right?" There was a lurking note in Reiner's voice.

It took Armin's mind an unusually long time to understand what he was saying. "You... you're not seriously planning to verify this, are you?" he asked in disbelief.

Reiner took a step toward him. For a brief instant, Armin almost took a step back, feeling nervous about how he was towering above him, but of course, there was no reason to be, because Reiner was his boyfriend.

"Why not? Shouldn't be a problem if you are telling the truth. Why so worried?" The cold, unfriendly voice seemed to belong to a stranger.

Armin's heartbeat increased. "Why – why are you being like this?" he whispered.

"Why am I like this? Maybe because my boyfriend spent half the night fooling around with some guys at a time when he should be in bed."

Something was going very wrong. Armin could not figure out what or why. It was news to him that he was expected to be in bed at a certain hour.

"Reiner, come on." His tone was pleading, hoping to guide the conversation back to the path of reason. "I was just hanging out with Marco, Jean, and two other friends. You know Marco."

"Oh yeah, I know Marco alright. I've seen him often enough at the gym when he's shamelessly staring at other guy's pants he wants to get into."

The harsh words made Armin flinch. Dumbstruck, he stared at Reiner.

How could he say such things? The very idea was absurd. Armin assumed that Marco probably didn't mind the fact that handsome men were basically a part of his job, but no way he would ever take advantage of it. Marco was as devoted to Jean as Armin was to Reiner.

"Guess he does the same thing when the two of you are alone. But hey, maybe that's just how you like it!" Reiner's voice had become venomous.

For the first time since they met, Armin felt anger rising inside him, hurt by this unfair judgment of Marco, but even more by the distrust towards himself.

Since their very first date, Armin had never so much as glanced at anyone else. Since they were officially dating, Armin had done everything he possibly could to prove his love and gratitude to Reiner. Every single day Armin had shown him how incredibly important their relationship was to him, and now Reiner was accusing him of being unfaithful.

Armin was on the verge of tears.

And with Marco, of all people! Marco, who from the very beginning had been thrilled by the idea that he and Reiner could become a couple. For years, Marco had been his only friend. At no time had there ever been anything other than friendship between them, and not only because even back then when they first met it had been impossible not to notice how much Marco and Jean were secretly into each other and waiting for one of them to make a move.

"No, I do not enjoy having people staring at me, and I don't know what makes you think I would," Armin said in a harsh tone that his voice wasn't used to at all. "Look, I'm really sorry that I was temporarily unavailable and made you worry. But I'm not a child, I don't need a bedtime, you can't tell me when to be home and you can't talk about Marco like that–"

There was a very quick movement, a sharp slapping noise, and all of a sudden Armin's head snapped to the side.

For a few seconds that felt unnaturally long, perfect silence filled the room.

Armin blinked a few times in an attempt to grasp the situation.

A stinging pain slowly spread across his left cheek.

"Sorry!" Reiner's arms closed around him. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that!"

Armin wanted to say something and opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Any words seemed to be stuck in his throat along with his breath.

His cheek felt numb.

"That was an accident, you know that, right?" Reiner gripped him by the shoulders, searching for his gaze.

"I..." Armin searched for a clear thought in his head, but found none.

"I…I need to go take a shower," he said quietly, for the sake of saying anything at all.

He needed to get out of here. Somewhere where he was alone. Away from his boyfriend.

Reiner let go of him and stepped aside.

Mechanically, Armin strode into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

What love in an abusive relationship feels like: It hurts. Red flag #4. Should also be the final one. Should.

His feet carried him to the sink. Armin turned on the faucet and watched for a while as the water disappeared down the drain in circles. The monotonous rushing sound briefly made him block out everything else. Eventually, he lifted his head.

His eyes stared back from the mirror, strangely listless.

His left cheek was glowing red.

He let two trembling fingers run over it to make sure that what the mirror showed him was real.

Armin had never been hit before. Not by his parents, not by his grandfather, not by his aunt. One or two times by the boys in high school who liked to bully him, yes. But Reiner was his boyfriend.

It was only when Armin's body forced him to suck in his breath that he noticed he had been holding it.

Don't cry, he pleaded with his reflection. Please don't lose that last bit of control.

Okay, what just happened was bad (unforgivable). Somehow things had escalated. Reiner was usually loving and caring. Reiner was not violent. Reiner loved him. He surely hadn't meant to hurt him. Reiner said he was sorry. There had to be a reasonable way to deal with the situation.

Armin moved away from the sink and realized that he was still holding his jacket in his arms. He put it down along with the rest of his clothes and stepped into the shower. Usually, Armin could sort out his thoughts best when he was standing under its warm and soothing rain. Here, he managed to come up with solutions to almost every problem.

That night, however, there was a strange emptiness in his head, as if nothing around him was real.

The feeling of numbness on his cheek had turned into a dull burning sensation. Armin closed his eyes and pressed the left half of his face against the cooling tiles of the shower wall.

At some point, he stood outside the shower, wearing his pajamas. After brushing his teeth and drying his hair, with nothing left to do, he sat down on the edge of the bathtub. Armin counted the tiles on the left bathroom wall. After that, he counted the ones on the right. In the back of his mind, he knew that sooner or later he would have to leave the safety of the bathroom, but at the moment he was unable to imagine how to proceed after that.

His steps were slightly unsteady when he finally entered the bedroom.

Reiner was sitting on the end of the bed, face buried in his hands.

"I guess you hate me now." His voice sounded broken.

Armin gulped. "I don't hate you," he said in a barely audible voice. (But you scare me.)

"Yes, you do, of course you do. I damn well know you would never cheat on me. I'm a jealous idiot." Armin was shocked to see tears in Reiner's amber eyes. It was hard to imagine a man like him crying.

Armin didn't know how it came to that, but suddenly he was the one comforting Reiner, even though it was Reiner whose hand had slipped (who had deliberately slapped him).

Reiner took hold of Armin's hand, caressing his fingers.

It was strange to know that the hand that was now touching him so gently was the same one that was responsible for the pain radiating over the left side of his face.

"Look, I know I screwed up. But, Armin – I love you so much. Seriously, I've never felt that way about anyone before. When you didn't pick up your phone, I panicked. This city can be so fucking dangerous at night. I just totally lost it at the idea that something might have happened to you. Think you can forgive me?"

Armin's heart wanted to take in these words of love and care.

A small voice in his head, however, coldly pointed out that these words were nothing but sentimental nonsense.

How often had Reiner stayed out all night without telling him or giving him an update? Why was there one set of rules and expectations for Reiner, and a completely different set for him? Because he was a few years older, taller and physically stronger? Armin wasn't a child, nor did they live in a dangerous city where you had to fear for your life when walking around alone at a certain hour.

The violent crime rate is 11.3 per 1,000 residents, the voice noted dryly. That's extremely low. One of the safest cities in the country to be exact, night or day. Certainly not a reason for such a fuss.

Armin desperately tried to shush it.

He had already lost three people he loved. Shouldn't he be able to understand that the fear of such a loss could lead to irrational actions?

Wasn't it somehow flattering that Reiner, who was so incredibly good-looking and self-confident, actually became jealous because of him? No one had ever become jealous because of Armin.

It's remarkable what mental gymnastics the brain is capable of when you want to believe something at all costs and ignore the obvious.

Armin ignored the obvious along with the voice inside his head.

He forgave Reiner.

"I promise you, nothing like this will ever happen again. Maybe... maybe from now on you can just make sure to check your phone more often when you're going out with your friends and call me so I know I don't have to worry?"

"Yes. Of course." Armin had no hesitation in making this promise on his part and contributing to a solution. Not that he could have foreseen how thoroughly and permanently Reiner would take advantage of this promise later on.

In the dark, he cuddled up to his boyfriend, searching for that feeling of protection and trust that usually arose when lying in his arms.

It was an accident. He said it will never happen again.

Reiner loved him and had given him a home, so this had to be the absolute truth.

Looking in the mirror the next morning, Armin saw that the marks of Reiner's accident were no longer visible.

So maybe, he thought with feeble hope, just maybe he could convince himself it had never happened at all.