QLFC: Season 10, Round 5
Team: Kenmare Kestrels
Position: Beater 2
Prompt: Humour
Additional Prompts: [action] crying, [dialogue] "Don't stick your fingers into random substances, I swear to Merlin!"
Word Count: 2250
Warnings: callous parenting, swearing, electric burns to a child
Summary: "Three turns, should do it, I think," Dumbledore had said. What if Hermione and Harry had saved Sirius using an Invisibility Potion? What if that had gone wrong, leaving Severus Snape with a de-aged house guest for the summer? A humorous one-shot.
The Unusual Case of Potions Interactions in Animagi
"No."
"Severus, please." Albus' eyes were twinkling. Severus wanted to whack the venerated headmaster on the head with a conjured spoon. A man of his age had no right to be making puppy-dog eyes.
"No," Severus repeated.
In the corner of the room, a small, black puppy whimpered.
"Fine." Severus groaned. "But the second I fix him, he's not my problem anymore. Come, mutt."
He heard the clicking of little claws on wooden floorboards as Sirius Black gambolled after him.
"I knew I could depend on you," said Albus.
"Fuck you," Severus replied.
.oOo.
"If you piss on my rug, I'm making you sleep outside with the Hippogriff."
The puppy whined. Severus sighed and transfigured the hearth rug into a comfortable dog bed. "I'll be in my potions lab. Unless the Dark Lord himself has returned or Dementors have come to Cokeworth, do not disturb me."
He sat down at his workbench and consulted his notes:
One dose Invisibility Potion, brewed fresh, steeped for only twenty minutes, taken by subject while in Animagus form.
Invisibility wore off after four hours rather than the customary two. Homenum revelio and Dementors could not detect the subject, as is normal for Animagus transformations.
After reversion to visibility, the subject appears unable to return to human form, however he comprehends human speech without difficulty. Furthermore, the animal's age has regressed dramatically.
And now, said Animagus was Severus' problem until he could successfully revert him back to a human, whereupon Sirius Black would be out of his life, hopefully forever. Albus would surely send him to France, or the Americas, where the wanted criminal could live out his exile, and Severus could have his peace and quiet again.
.oOo.
The Animagus reversal spell did not work. Neither did two potions that had been common before that spell had been invented. After a week, Severus' Knockturn Alley contact came through with an anti-Animagus wardstone, and Severus was confronted with the fact Sirius Black was now sitting on his floor in the shape of a human baby.
"Not a baby," said the baby.
Severus did not bother hiding his sneer. Black was not some delicate Hufflepuff. "You're certainly not a puppy any longer." Then, because he wasn't going to argue about it, he went to the fireplace and tossed in a handful of Floo powder, calling for the Burrow.
"Molly, I require your assistance," he said when she was standing in his living room, staring at the nude boy. "Please ascertain the approximate age of this child."
"What's your name, dear?"
"Sirius," said Black, though he was struggling with the 'r' sound.
"Siwius," Molly echoed. "Siwius, as in Sirius Black?" She turned to Severus with the full brunt of a glare that had kept seven children in line for the past thirteen years."You named your son after Sirius Black?"
"Eww," said Black. "Gross."
Indeed. Severus didn't think he and Black would ever have agreed on something, but apparently pigs did fly. He vaguely recalled having seen a documentary about pigs in the Bahamas which regularly went swimming, but that had been in the depths of an episode of insomnia so severe that he remembered very little else.
"I'm Sirius Black. And I'm not a baby. And he's not my father."
"I don't even want to know." Molly turned her wand on Black and cast an orange bolt of light at him. "Clothing-wise, he's size three to four. I'll send over a box of old things through the Floo for you as well. Unless you were planning on having him run around naked?"
At that, Severus did wither a little. He hadn't gotten to the point of logistics regarding clothing the baby that was now in his care. Perhaps, once he moved the wardstone outside, Black would revert back to a puppy again and he wouldn't need to bother.
"Thank you, Molly."
She gave him a final look that implied something might be stuck in his teeth, but Severus had brushed them after breakfast and knew this was not the case. Then, she left through his fireplace.
"I'm four," Black said, nodding once, then liking it so much that he kept going. "Four, four, four."
"Three to four. Weren't you listening?"
"Four, four, four," he sing-songed.
Severus cast a silencing charm on the boy and went to update his notes on the unusual case of potions interactions in animagi.
.oOo.
"You're still sleeping on the dog bed, mutt. And you're human now, so you can no longer weaponise those eyes."
Black proved that he could, in fact, weaponise his eyes, so Severus transfigured the dog bed into a child's crib. It was better than what Severus had grown up with, but probably nowhere near the standard of living little Black heirs had gotten. Still, Black changed into one of Severus' old shirts and went to bed without protest, curling up under the covers with his face to the wall.
Severus awoke the next morning with a toddler curled up against his chest and screamed.
.oOo.
"You're not a child."
"Four," said Black, holding up four fingers.
"Mentally, you are a human adult. Please, for the love of Merlin, start acting like it."
"'Snot my fault." Black wiggled his fingers, then giggled. "Being little is harder than it looks."
At least he could go to the bathroom by himself, Severus could grant him that. "I have a meeting in Knockturn Alley today. Do I need to conjure a dog crate for you, or will you manage?"
"Can't I come with?" Black's eyes were shining.
"No."
Thus, Black did the only logical thing and began to cry, blubbering incomprehensibly with increasing volume.
Severus looked to the left, where the neighbours' living room would be. He'd never bothered with silencing spells, mostly because he was an adult who was not overly loud and thus not in need of them. Every additional magic in the area could interfere with delicate potions, which Granger and Potter had proven quite exceptionally by brewing an Invisibility Potion for Black in a haunted toilet. For all Minerva liked to champion her Gryffindors, she might for once step up and take care of her students' messes.
"Black, this is ludicrous. You are a wanted criminal. I am not taking you to Knockturn Alley."
Black's sobbing increased in volume. Severus sighed.
He had always prided himself in his intimidating appearance. Thankfully, old Arsenius didn't so much as blink when a small black puppy followed Severus into his shop on a transfigured green leash.
"You know the rules of potions interactions," the old man said, peering at Severus through his monocle. "If a Purging Potion doesn't do the trick, you only need to wait. The effects will wear off when the magic has run its course."
"I am afraid," Severus said, shaking his foot so that Black would stop chewing on his laces, "time is not an option here."
"You told me the same thing over the Polyjuice mishap with the cat hair." At that, Arsenius' face of wrinkled parchment twisted into a smile. "Was I wrong? It wore off, did it not?"
Severus gritted his teeth. "You were not wrong."
"Then get out of my shop, boy."
They took the floo, and as soon as they were back in Spinner's End Black was a toddler again, blinking up at Severus with wide, grey eyes.
He looked like Draco had, at that age. It was only natural, what with Narcissa having been a Black herself.
"Don't touch anything." Severus set his charge down on the sofa and disentangled the leash from his limbs. "Do something sensible, like reading. Or even better, you can meditate."
He went into his laboratory then, adding the final ingredients to the Purging Potion that he'd been brewing all week. Hopefully, it would work better for Black than it had for Ms. Granger.
.oOo.
"You must learn to control your urges." Severus had once again woken to Sirius cuddled against him, drooling onto Severus' arm.
"I promise I'm not doing this on purpose," Sirius said once he'd blinked himself awake. "It just gets scary all alone in my bed. And your bed feels safe."
Severus sneered. "Did you miss the part where I'm a Death Eater?" He thrust his forearm into Sirius' view, pausing only to wipe off the drool. "Here, the thing you spent your childhood accusing me of becoming, proof of my heinous crimes. The monsters aren't under the bed, Sirius Black, they're in it."
"Okay." Sirius was frowning at his own hands. "Okay. Can I have pancakes for breakfast?"
Groaning, Severus got up, set the child on the floor, and made his bed. "I'm not your house-elf, Black."
"But you are the one who cooks. So," he gave Severus a toothy grin, "how about pancakes for breakfast?"
"Piss off," Severus replied. Then, he went to the kitchen and started making pancakes.
.oOo.
"That was so gross," said Sirius.
"The main ingredient of the Purging Potion is armadillo bile."
Sirius shuddered, gagged, but did not vomit.
"Good boy." Severus patted his head. Sirius pretended he wasn't leaning into it.
They both sat and waited a while longer. "Is something supposed to be happening now?"
"Ideally, yes."
Nothing happened. It was entirely anticlimactic.
Sirius yawned. "I don't think it's working, Severus."
"Thank you, Black. Your powers of deduction are unparalleled."
The boy was not listening. He had leaned against Severus, eyes closed and breath deepening with the beginning of sleep.
Severus ran his fingers through his own hair and sighed. He looked down only to see bright grey eyes glaring back.
"You should keep stroking me," Sirius demanded.
Severus, reluctantly, obliged.
.oOo.
They developed a routine of sorts. Every morning, Severus would wipe the drool from his arm and unceremoniously dump Sirius onto the floor so that he could make his bed. Then, after breakfast, Severus would tend his greenhouse, or experiment with his potions, or read, or just lie on his sofa staring at the ceiling and meditating on the woes of his own existence.
Sirius would bang on the pots with spoons, dig holes in the garden like the mutt he was, or poke at the ant nest and run screaming when he got bitten. He did read occasionally, preferring the science-fiction novels that Severus had been gifted once and never looked at since. He also enjoyed taking long baths, which Severus allowed him to do unsupervised only after finding an anti-drowning charm he could cast on the child. For all that he was mentally of-age, Sirius seemed to have the attention span of a four-year-old and the same proclivity for trouble that had almost gotten Severus mauled by a werewolf.
Which was to say, Severus wasn't really surprised to be woken from a nap one day by a massive BANG! followed by the sound of a child wailing.
He found Sirius sitting on the kitchen floor, one hand held to his chest while crying his little heart out.
Severus clutched Sirius against his body, his wand out as he searched for the danger.
"Hurts," Sirius said, arm still held tight to his chest.
Severus' eyes found the culprit then, his toaster. He set the boy down on the counter to examine the damage. It was smoking with the scent of burnt plastic and singed wires.
"What did I say about electricity, Sirius?"
"Don't lick it."
"I said, don't stick your fingers into random substances, I swear to Merlin! Not your tongue into a socket, not your fingers into the VHS player, and not a knife in a toaster. Every muggle child on earth knows—"
"Hurts." Sirius sniffed, wiping snot and tears from his face.
Severus felt the words dying in his mouth. He remembered for a moment his own father, standing above him with anger and contempt. "Come on," Severus said, picking the boy back up. "I have burn paste in my lab. Let's see if we can't make you feel better again."
.oOo.
"Tingles," Sirius said two days later when Severus took off the bandages.
"My spell says it's all healed." Severus took a closer look. "Does it still hurt?"
"No." Sirius smiled at him, which had Severus smiling back in spite of himself. "Ice cream?"
"You're incorrigible." Then he put on his shoes, helped Sirius switch his left shoe back onto his left foot, and walked hand-in-hand with the boy to the corner store for some Cornettos.
.oOo.
On the first of August, the night after Lughnasadh, Severus woke to the familiar sensation of a warm body cradled against him and Sirius' hot breath on his arm.
He opened his eyes to find a grown man lying in his bed, a riot of curls tickling his nose.
"Sirius," Severus hissed, poking the man in the shoulder. "Wake up."
Silver-blue eyes blinked open. Severus watched as comprehension dawned across the man's face.
"Eww," Sirius said, leaning as far back as he could without falling out of bed. "Gross."
Severus shoved him, grinning at the "Oomph" as the man clattered to the floor. Then, he got up and made his bed, wiping the customary drool from his arm.
"So, pancakes?" Sirius said, staring up at Severus from the floor.
"I'm not your damned house-elf, Sirius."
"Alright." The man jumped to his feet. "I'm big enough to reach the stove now. You can't stop me."
"I still hate you!" Severus called at the man's departing back.
"Sure. Lemon and sugar, yeah?"
Severus scrubbed his hands over his face and went to the kitchen for his breakfast.