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Chapter Five

Shannon could feel her whole body shaking as she walked into the Children's Hospital of Orange County with Josh by her side. They'd arrived back here just over an hour and a half ago and rather than waiting until the morning, Josh wanted to meet his daughter right away.

His dad had wanted to join them at the hospital but Josh had put his foot down. Caitlin might find it too much to meet one strange man let alone two and he didn't want her to freak out or make her even sicker than she already was so before they'd come here, they'd dropped Phil off at a local hotel much to his dismay.

'We can either take the elevator or walk, it's up to you,' Shannon asked him as they stopped by the elevators.

Normally he would choose to walk but his legs felt a little shaky and he wasn't sure that he would be able to make it up the stairs without them giving out from beneath him.

'I think we'd better take the elevator,' he replied, trying hard to cover the nervousness in his voice.

He was terrified that Caitlin would meet him and just hate him or tell him to leave and never return again. For ten years she'd never had a father, what if she didn't want one? Maybe she was happy with just having Shannon and her grandmother, she might not want anyone else. If she hated him or refused to acknowledge him then he knew damn well that his heart would break but what was he supposed to do? Not see her? That just wasn't an option, he HAD to try, he had to give it a shot even if things didn't go well.

Neither of them said anything as they got into the elevator and waited until it reached the third floor. Shannon knew that once they got out, they were only a minute away from Caitlin's room. Her heart was beating at one hundred miles per hour, she hoped that Caitlin would be okay with Josh, she could see how much this first meeting meant to him and she was desperate for it to go well but it was out of her hands.

When they got to the third floor, Shannon stepped out first and stopped Josh from walking any further down the long corridor.

'She looks a lot different from the picture I gave you Josh, she's lost her hair and she's weak but we made a tough little girl. She's never going to give up without a fight and she has plenty of that, she also has an answer for everything so be prepared,' Shannon smiled as she tried her best to prepare Josh for his first meeting with his little girl. 'You ready?'

Josh swallowed hard and nodded his head, he'd lost the ability to talk. This was the most important moment of his life so far and he did not want to screw it up.

Shannon took just a few steps before she stopped outside the first room to her left. She took one last look at a visibly nervous Joshua before she opened the door to the room.

'Mommy!'

'Hi honey!' Shannon practically ran into the room and pulled her daughter into a hug, she'd only left her for a day but even a day was too long.

When she eventually pulled away from her daughter, she noticed that Caitlin's eyes were firmly fixed on the doorway. She turned to see Joshua standing there frozen to the spot.

'Mom, who's that man?'

Shannon was about to respond when all of a sudden Josh bolted down the corridor.

'Mommy's gonna be back in a second honey….'

'No! I don't want you to leave!' Before she could move, Caitlin had clamped her arms around her waist and she knew that she wasn't going to be able to go anywhere.

She didn't know whether it was Caitlin asking who he was or whether it was seeing her so sick which had caused him to run but he was going to have to wait, her daughter was her number one priority right now and she had no doubt that Josh would understand that.

She held Caitlin in her arms for a couple of minutes before she pulled her down gently to lie on the bed. She slowly started to stroke her daughter's beautiful face and smiled a little as her eyes began go cross eyed, she stopped her tickling when it looked like she was going to fall asleep because there was something that she needed to say. Josh may have left but Caitlin had asked her a question and she intended to answer it, maybe if she knew who he was before meeting him it would make things more comfortable for both of them.

Recently she'd been asking quite a lot of questions about her father and Shannon had told her bits and pieces. She knew that her daddy was a fisherman and she knew that they'd dated but other than that, Shannon hadn't told her all that much about him.

'That man that you asked about,' she started as Caitlin looked at her intently, 'he's your father sweetie.'

Caitlin suddenly sat upright in bed, pulling out of her mother's embrace as she shot her a confused look.

'Why did he leave without saying hello? Did I do something wrong? Is he coming back?'

Shannon sat upright on the bed and pulled her daughter into a hug, the poor girl looked on the verge of tears.

'You didn't do anything wrong my darling, he's just nervous about meeting you that's all but I promise that I'll bring him back here tomorrow so you can talk, would you like that?' Shannon had to fight back her own tears as she saw the pain and sadness in her daughters eyes, she was responsible for this pain and that's what made things a million times worse.

'Will he bring me candy? If he brings me candy, we can talk,' Shannon burst out laughing at her daughter before pulling her into another hug.

'You drive a hard bargain Caitlin Andrews!'

Josh sat outside the hospital shaking like a leaf as he lit yet another cigarette. He'd only been down here for fifteen minutes and this was his fourth cigarette in a row.

He pulled out the photograph of Caitlin that Shannon had given him just yesterday and he couldn't get over how sick she looked. Her long black hair was gone, her olive skin was now as pale as snow and her eyes, Jesus her eyes were what got to him more than anything else. Even though she had a smile on her face sadness and pain lay behind them, she was going through something that no ten year old should have to go through.

He was sure that his heart had stopped the moment he'd seen her and then to hear her ask who he was…it was too much to bear. He didn't want to go into her room crying like a baby, asking a so called God just why the fuck he'd been so cruel to his daughter. He didn't know her but he would do anything, anything to take her pain away. He was praying that he'd be a match for her because if he lost her before he'd even got the chance to know her, he knew that he would never recover.

'Night my baby, I love you so much,' Shannon whispered into her sleeping daughter's ear before planting a soft kiss on her forehead.

She'd rocked her to sleep, okay she was ten years old and probably too old to be rocked but Caitlin liked it, it comforted her and she needed all the comfort that she could get right now.

Shannon stared at her daughter from the doorway for a few minutes before she left the room, closing the door behind her before making her way to the elevator. She hoped that Josh was either waiting for her outside or in reception somewhere, if he wasn't then she'd have to go back to his hotel because she needed to talk to him.

She wasn't angry with him for running out like he had, he'd only found out yesterday that he had a daughter and seeing her hooked up to machines and looking so sick, it wasn't easy for her so fuck knows how Josh felt.

As the elevator doors opened on the ground floor, Shannon stepped out and looked around to see if she could spot Josh but he was nowhere to be seen. As soon as she stepped outside, she looked across the road to a row of benches and immediately spotted him. He was smoking a cigarette and she could tell that he was upset even from a short distance away.

She stood back in the shadows and just watched him for a few minutes. Every time she looked at him a buried memory from their past popped into her head and it was driving her crazy. She needed to keep those memories buried but her stupid brain just kept teasing her over and over again.

Josh could feel eyes upon him as he sat on a bench outside the hospital waiting for Shannon to appear. When he looked up his eyes immediately fell upon her and he had to fight the urge to just run to her, grab her in his arms and tell her how he'd been waiting for her for these past ten years.

He remained seated as she started to make her way towards him, he couldn't tell if she was pissed or not, she had every right to be, he had run out on both her and Caitlin after all.

'Are you okay?' Shannon asked cautiously, she didn't want to upset him further by pushing him too hard.

'I just….She looks so sick Shannon, I thought I'd prepared myself for this but Jesus Christ! This shouldn't be fucking happening to her! It's not fair Shannon!' He tried to hold back his emotions but he couldn't, why did his little girl have to have this fucking disease?

'Josh listen to me, I know it's hard but no matter how sad you feel inside, you have to try and be strong for her because if we look like we're giving up, she'll give up…'

'That's easy for you to say Shannon! You know her! You've had ten fucking years with her! I know nothing about her, I might not be the father that she wants me to be, that she needs me to be…'

'You think this is easy for me Josh? You think it's easy for me to sit up there holding her hand day after day when she's in pain? I know that this is hard for you but don't even think for one fucking second that this is a walk in the park for me because it's not!'

Shannon snapped and Josh immediately felt guilty about what he'd said. Of course he knew it wasn't easy for her, it wasn't easy for anybody.

'I'm just scared, I'm fucking terrified that I'm gonna lost her before I've got the chance to even know her….'

'Then tomorrow, you come here with me and start getting to know her. I told her who you were Josh and she wants to meet you, she's excited to meet you. She's not scary Josh, not as scary as I am anyway,' Shannon smiled as she reached out and took his hand in hers. 'Everything will be okay Josh, I know that everything will be okay.'