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Chapter Eleven

'Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale…' Shannon teased Josh a little as they walked out of the doctor's office where Josh had spent the past hour having his blood test, a cheek swab taken and a full physical to check on his fitness levels.

He was in good shape, then again anyone could tell that he was just by looking at him. The blood test and the swab result would be back within forty eight hours, the Doctor was rushing the results through, the sooner they came back the better. If Josh was a match, the bone marrow transplant could be done straightaway and the sooner it was done, the better the chances were for Caitlin.

'I face the worst conditions out on the Bering Sea Shannon, I think I can handle a fucking blood test,' Josh snapped, he couldn't believe that she was acting so fucking normal, not after what she had said to him last night.

He was still torn up after hearing her words but to her, everything was fine and he was fucking angry about it, he didn't give a shit about playing along with her everything was fucking perfect game either, she could go fuck herself.

Shannon didn't react to Josh's snipe, she didn't have the stomach for a fight today, least of all a fight with him. When she'd got back home from the hotel last night, her mother had been waiting for her.

She unleashed her fury full force, telling Shannon what an awful person she was, how she was a failure as a mother, as a daughter, as a person…it had made Shannon even more upset than she already had been after her talk with Josh. She'd almost, almost, gone back to the hotel to tell Josh how she truly felt about him, to pull him into her arms and never let go again but she hadn't. Her life was one big fuck up after another and she didn't want Josh dragged into her mess, into her problems, he deserved more than she could ever give him.

Today, she was feeling pretty fucking terrible, not that she'd ever show it. She was used to pretending that things were okay, she'd perfected the art of lying down to a tee, even though her insides were a warzone, on the outside she was a vision of palm trees and sandy fucking beaches.

'I'm going outside for a smoke,' Josh huffed, he needed to have some time alone before going to see his daughter.

'Okay, I'll see you in Caitlin's room,' Shannon smiled but Josh just shot her a filthy look before walking off in the opposite direction.

She shook her head and watched in silence as he walked away, she hoped that he would at least be civil to her in front of Caitlin. It took Shannon a few minutes to reach Caitlin's room, when she got there she found her chatting away to Phil who was listening intently to what his granddaughter had to say.

'Could I go out fishing with you when I'm better? I bet I'd be really good at it!' Caitlin smiled.

'Well, we'd have to ask your mom and dad about that….'

'Mommy can I go fishing with granddad?' Caitlin didn't miss a beat as she caught sight of her mother in the doorway.

Shannon walked into the room and took a seat next to her bed, noting the dirty look that Phil gave her but letting it slide.

'If you like, you can be whoever and whatever you want to be,' Shannon smiled.

She wasn't one of those pushy mothers who insisted that her daughter should go to college, get a degree, get a good job then marry well and have lots of babies, she would let Caitlin choose her own path and if that was fishing, she would be more than happy to support her.

'I think I'd fish part time, I wanna be a nurse full time or a doctor, I wanna make people better, just like they're making me better,' she smiled and Shannon took her daughters hand in hers after planting a kiss on it.

'You'd be a fantastic doctor, you could look after me when I get old and wrinkly,' she laughed.

'Daddy will be around to look after you won't he?' Shannon stared at her daughter, deep down she wanted nothing more than to tell her that her mommy and daddy would be together forever, that they would be a family but she wasn't going to lie to her.

'I'm gonna go outside for a smoke,' Phil announced as he quickly got up from his seat and disappeared out of the room. He was probably leaving before he said something out of turn, Shannon knew that he hated her and she understood why. If someone ever hurt Caitlin the way she had hurt Josh then she would never forgive them, just like Phil was never going to forgive her.

'Caitlin honey, I know you love your daddy but you need to stop this. We're not a couple honey and we're not going to be but we both love you,' Shannon tried to be as nice as she could and explain things as best as she could.

She could see how unhappy her daughter was and it made her feel pretty fucking shit but what else was she meant to say?

Josh sat on a bench outside the hospital, lighting up his second cigarette as he thought about his future. He'd lived in Seattle since he was a child and he'd never really thought about leaving but now, with his daughter here in California, it seemed logical to move here so he could be closer to her.

Things were moving pretty fast in his life right now and his mind was working overtime as it tried to take everything in. Just a couple of days ago he didn't even know that he had a daughter, he thought that Shannon had disappeared forever, he'd almost given up any hope of finding her but now here he was, sitting outside a hospital with his daughter and his long lost love sitting upstairs waiting for him to make an appearance.

His friends back home probably wouldn't understand why he had to move, he'd only known Caitlin for a couple of days, he'd been with her for only a few hours but already his heart was filled with love for his beautiful daughter. Sure, he could commute from Seattle every weekend to see her but he wanted to be close to her every single day, he never wanted to be far away from her ever again. He needed to be here.

'You should be upstairs with your daughter, not sitting on your ass down here feelin sorry for yourself,' his father's voice made him jump as he took a seat down beside him.

'I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I just needed a smoke after the test's that's all,' Josh sighed, his father had been on his back ever since Shannon had reappeared and he was getting tired of it.

'Bullshit. I saw Shannon at the hotel last night and unless she was there to meet some mystery man, I'm guessin that she came to see you,' Phil grunted back, he was rapidly losing patience with his son. He had girls chasing after him from Hawaii to Alaska, he could have anyone that he wanted but instead he was intent on settling for the woman that had broken his heart and it made him really fucking mad.

'Dad this is none of your fucking business! I'm not ten years old anymore, you don't run my fucking life!'

'I am not standing by and watching you get fucked up all over again! You may be twenty seven years old but I'm still your father and I'm still gonna try and fucking protect you, just like you'll always wanna protect Caitlin!'

'Well I'm not gonna fuck up all over again so you can stop worrying okay? Shannon and I are done, we're friends, that's all. I have to move on, she's made her feelings pretty fucking clear,' Josh got up from his seat and began walking back into the hospital before his dad could say anything else.

He wasn't ever going to say that his dad was right but he was. He and Shannon were over and there was no going back. He had to be friends with her for Caitlin's sake but somehow, he had to try and get over her and that was going to be pretty fucking hard.

'Caitlin honey, you look a little pale, are you feeling okay?' Caitlin had gone quiet ever since Shannon had talked to her about Josh, at first she'd assumed it was because she was pissed off at her but now she could see that her daughter really wasn't feeling well.

'I feel sick,' Caitlin groaned and Shannon reached on top of the cupboard next to her bed for a kidney bowl knowing that her daughter was likely to vomit at any moment.

The chemotherapy that she was undertaking was taking it's toll on her young body. She'd lost all her hair, she'd lost a considerable amount of weight and despite her usual cheery disposition, she was getting weaker every day.

As Shannon placed the bowl under her daughter's chin, the first wave of sickness hit her and Caitlin poured out her stomach contents into the bowl as Shannon leaned over and began to rub her lower back in an attempt to comfort her.

'Okay baby, it'll be okay,' Shannon whispered, she felt so fucking useless at times like this because she couldn't fucking DO anything at all. She wished that somehow she could transfer the cancer into her body and take it all away, she was an adult, she'd at least had a life but Caitlin…she still had so much to do, so much to achieve, why did this have to happen to her?

'I hate this mommy, I hate it,' tears rolled down her daughter's cheeks as she began to sob and Shannon left her seat to lie down next to her on the bed.

'I know baby, I know. You're such a brave girl do you know that? The bravest in the whole world,' Shannon fought to keep her tears back, crying wouldn't do anything to help Caitlin, she had to be strong for her.

'I'm scared mommy, I'm really scared,' Shannon could feel the water beginning to pool in her eyes as she took the bowl out of her daughter's hands and placed it back on top of the cupboard before she wrapped her arms tightly around her.

'It'll be okay baby, it'll be okay,' Shannon repeated, she didn't know who she was trying to convince more, herself or her daughter.

'We're both here for you Caitlin, don't be scared baby,' Josh's voice made Shannon look up. As soon as she caught sight of his brown eyes she could see that he was also fighting back tears in an attempt to remain strong for his daughter.

He too sat on the bed and took one of Caitlin's hands in his as he planted a kiss on top of her bare head. The three of them sat in complete silence as eventually Caitlin's tears subsided. Shannon continued to lie on the bed and hold her as she began to gently rock her daughter to sleep just like she used to do when she was a tiny baby. Josh stroked her face and held her hand as he watched her close her eyes and fall to sleep.

The pain of seeing his daughter cry was indescribable, she had been so upbeat, so happy but to see her so sad and so scared, it had shattered every piece of him.

'I need to get some air,' Shannon announced as she gently got up from the bed so as not to disturb a now fast asleep Caitlin.

She quietly left the room and a few minutes after, Josh followed. He found her sitting on the same bench outside that he had been sat on just a while ago. He took a seat next to her and tried as hard as he could not to just burst into tears.

'You okay?' Shannon knew that he was anything but okay, how could he be okay after seeing his daughter get so upset?

'How do you do it Shannon?' Josh asked, he was amazed that she seemed so calm, so unmoved by everything that she'd just seen and heard.

'Because I have to, if I start crying, I know I'll never be able to stop,' Shannon replied as she breathed in deeply to fill her lungs with clean air. 'It's not because I don't care, I do care but I have to be strong for her. If she sees her mom getting upset can you even imagine how terrified she'd be?'

'I always thought that I was strong, you have to be to work on a crab boat you know? But this…seeing her like that, hearing her crying and saying that she's scared, I just wanna make this go away Shannon, I wanna fix her because I can't lose her, I can't ever lose her now I've found her…' Josh tried to remain strong but he couldn't, his tears flowed freely down his cheeks and as soon as he felt her warm arms wrap themselves around his neck he buried his head in her shoulder.

'Let it out Joshua, just let it out my dar…' Shannon stopped herself from calling him 'my darling', just like she had when they were together. Instead, she just held onto him as tight as she could as he cried against her shoulder.

He stayed in her arms until he finally managed to collect himself. He lifted his head up from her shoulder and came face to face with the woman who'd haunted his every dream, his every waking minute for the past ten years. He stared intently into her bright green eyes and instinctively reached out and stroked her right cheek which turned bright red under his touch, just like it used to ten years ago.

'My flower,' Shannon closed her eyes momentarily, she never thought she'd be called that ever again. When she opened her eyes again she found herself drawn into the deep brown eyes that were still bloodshot from the tears he'd cried over their daughter.

She could feel his breathe on her lips, she could smell his distinctive scent and she was lost in him again, drowning in him.

'What the fuck are you two doin down here?'

Phil's voice snapped from behind them, breaking the spell that had taken them both over and causing them to snap apart.

'I er, um, I er better go back,' Shannon stuttered before she got to her feet and quickly walked off, leaving Josh and his father to come face to face with each other.

'Leave her alone Josh, I mean it,' Phil growled and Josh knew better than to argue with him when he was this mad.

Phil watched as his eldest son walked away from him without uttering one word. He had to understand that he was doing this for his own good, he wouldn't stand by and watch as his son got hurt all over again. He wouldn't watch him sink into the deep depression that had taken him over when Shannon walked out on him all those years ago. He never thought that Josh would come out of it but he had and he was not going to let him go there all over again.