A/N: Here's an update, because I feel guilty for making you wait. (I didn't mean to make that rhyme.) This is the second to the last chapter and already I want to thank everyone who has been kind enough to follow the story's development, to voice out their opinions, and to put up with my erratic updating schedule. :)
I ask that you'll bear with me till the end.
Chapter 11
Megumi felt the damp earth beneath her feet loosened a little as she cautiously stood up and shifted the weight of her body to her limbs. She closed her eyes tightly, afraid that at any moment her wobbly knees would succumb to fragility and drag her down to the ground yet again. She counted silently to five, waiting for the likelihood of her collapse that didn't arise. The trivial feat generated a wave of relief and confidence that washed over Megumi; she breathed deeply and shielded her eyes from the blazing mid-afternoon sunlight so she could better survey her current location.
It was oddly unfamiliar, Megumi instantly gathered. She was standing at the end of a desolate dirt road amidst ceaselessly extending fields of purple hyacinth flowers. They basked in the sustaining warmth of the sun and swayed delicately with the same placid breeze that blew her hair. It was ironic how such subtle movements could be so outright exquisite. She reached out to a particularly near cluster of blossoms, giving in to the curious yearning to feel, to seize in her hand such daintiness. Megumi, however, stopped herself halfway and she withdrew her hand rather half-heartedly. For she remembered that inside her lied this great ugliness and evil that had never failed to turn everything she touched into tragedy and ruins.
Sighing unhappily, Megumi tore her gaze away from the flowers and willed it to roam for a moment. She searched for anything identifiable, for any trace of nearby civilization, and for any road sign that may offer her understanding of where she was or what direction she should be heading to- she found none. All around her were infinite fields of purple stretching to meet the very distant horizon.
Fear and panic promptly settled on Megumi upon the awful realization that she was absolutely alone in a place nameless and deserted. Her horror only escalated when she tried walking but found that her feet were firmly fixed on the ground. Desperate, Megumi attempted moving again, utilising every bit of energy in her frail body as she wrapped her hands around a leg and tried lifting it. She pulled frantically with a mighty force that threatened her balance. With a loud yelp of exasperation and defeat, her knees ultimately buckled and Megumi collapsed to the ground- her feet remained unmoving.
She fisted her hands and hit the ground furiously, tears of helplessness rapidly flooding her eyes. Never had Megumi felt this pathetic and abandoned. Suddenly, in the haze of self-pitying contemplations, the sound of approaching footsteps travelled over. Megumi immediately lifted her head, the little ray of hope that shot through dispelled some of the darkness that was rapidly gnawing at her despairing heart. She narrowed her eyes and tried to identify the hazy silhouette that was marching in her direction. She waited, optimistic and somewhat relieved that her solitariness was true no more.
The familiarity of the figure dawned a few seconds later and only then did the partial joy that hovered above her finally came to completion and utmost. Her eyes were yet again flooded by tears, which she hurriedly wiped so that the vision in front of her would not be undeservingly blurred or clouded.
It was Sanosuke.
She watched yearningly as he paced towards her, his unruly hair danced with the gentle wind and his lips curved slightly in a confident smirk. That was the man for whom she risked her everything, whom she valued above everyone. And even if such choice had brought so much unbidden heartaches and devastation, never had she regretted it- for once in her life she had known how to offer and accept love that was incontestably genuine, passionate, and everlasting.
After an unnoticed instant, Sanosuke was in front of her, returning the longing gaze she had given him; their eyes locked in shared understanding and affection. He knelt, brought his hand to her face and gingerly wiped her tears. Megumi ignored the unusual coldness of his hand, her heart swelling with gladness and security as she relished his gentle touch. Finally in his presence, she was safe, guarded from all the sorrows that had been rallying to imprison her. Finally someone would take her hand and lead her home, away from this anonymous place where the shades of purple reminded her of nothing but solitude and silence.
She never expected that Sanosuke's hold on her would eventually be withdrawn, so Megumi immediately opened her eyes when she heard him stood up. The next thing she knew was the vanishing smile in his face and the dying shine in his eyes as he looked at her one last time. She grabbed his shirt to stop him from leaving, but utter horror halted her movements when her hand went through his figure as if he was made of air. Disbelieving, Megumi reached out again, this time to grab the hand that was real, that had touched her face not too long ago. Still she failed to hold him- it was nothing but air that got caught in her firm grasp.
Megumi's face contorted into a mixed expression of hurt and disbelief as she stared at Sanosuke's retreating figure- the hopefulness that had settled in her heart not too long ago left as fast as it came. She watched as he walked steadily without looking back, wondering if he was aware that behind him, a heart was breaking ceaselessly at his sudden departure. Megumi opened her mouth to call out his name but not a single sound came out of it. She desperately screamed his name, over and over until she understood, with great pain, that the surroundings remained still, soundless as ever.
She could not hold him back. Her beloved left her without a single word, an apology or a goodbye.
Giving up, Megumi shrunk to the ground and buried her face in her arms, crying as the memories of her recent parting with Sanosuke swirled incessantly in her mind.
When she opened her eyes again, Megumi found herself in a small room with walls painted green. She looked up to the ceiling and closed her eyes as the intense illumination momentarily blinded her. She breathed deeply and blinked several times, allowing her eyes to adjust to the great amount of light flooding her vision.
She had been dreaming, Megumi swiftly realized.
She put a trembling hand to her chest and tried hard to calm her wildly racing heart. It was not the first time she had dreams of such nature. Whenever she slumbered, Sanosuke and memories of him and their time together accompanied her. It had been a previously cherished occasion for it assuaged somehow the deep longing in her heart- but maybe not anymore. Lately her dreams were almost like the recent one; Sanosuke seemed to be constantly departing, always embarking on a journey bound for someplace remote and mysterious. She would, in turn, persistently ask him to stay or to take her with him wherever his destination may be. Never did Sanosuke respond. Megumi could not recall a single dream in which her beloved ever spoke a word or two.
Taking in a shuddering breath, Megumi felt grateful that all was just part of a dream- something she could easily wake up from and escape. She could not imagine the extent of anguish that would assault her if those visions became reality. Parting from Sano was the last thing she wanted to happen and she prayed hard that such incident was probable only in her dreams.
Megumi turned to look at the window and there to her surprise, a figure with a mass of red hair stood quietly, his back facing her. She briefly recognized that today was one of the relatively few times she had woken up to the sight of him. She chose to remain soundless, unwilling to bring his seemingly remote attention to her.
Megumi then recalled that the first time she opened her eyes from the lengthy slumber, unfamiliar faces welcomed her. The tender smile and the tearful eyes of her unmistakably overjoyed father were the first things she was able to identify. Her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Although many memories were present in her mind with such great clarity, some however remained hazy and a few she had lost to oblivion. Several parts of her body, her head chiefly, always seemed to be riddled with great pain and she found out later that she could not speak. Megumi was immediately comforted though when the doctors explained that such conditions were in fact impermanent. The physical aches eventually would wear off and also soon she would be able to find her voice again.
"It is a process that shall not be hurried," she could remember hearing the doctors say. Likewise, they carefully elucidated the severity of damage in her legs, but neither that should be a matter of concern. Several months of physical therapy would surely enable her to use her legs again.
Megumi could only listen with half-hearted interest and relief. She could not be completely reassured for there was somebody whose present condition she cared for far more than she did for hers. She knew that Sanosuke was wounded critically too and good news regarding his safety was what she primarily wanted to hear. Unfortunately until now, Megumi remained clueless- fearful and never daring to speak his name to anyone.
His father might have noticed then the frustration and sadness that tainted her features for he comfortingly informed her of Kenshin's whereabouts and his return. She gathered that Kenshin was in the city for a crucial business matter that could not be missed or neglected. Megumi did not know why and cautiously did not allow it to show but her husband's absence felt like a cherished reprieve.
It however did not last very long. A week later, when she could finally speak again and began feeling better, the promised day of Kenshin's arrival ultimately came and Megumi found herself helplessly looking into her husband's lonely amber eyes. She tried but could not recall the last time she looked at them with nothing but love and admiration in her heart.
"How do you feel?" he quietly asked. Listening closely, she was able to detect the poorly hidden trace of indifference in his voice.
"There is still a slight throbbing in my head, excluding that I'm generally fine," she immediately answered, explaining even though she was certain he wasn't wholly interested. Megumi waited a while to hear him speak again, but when Kenshin slowly nodded and then turned his back to busy himself with something else, it swiftly conveyed to her his desire to say nothing more. The following quietness that hung heavily and lingered in the room for several minutes smothered her.
The first conversation they shared after several long months lasted for few unnoticed seconds.
Megumi expected beforehand that the occasion of their reunion would not be such a pleasant one, but never had she prepared herself for the outright unimportance and remoteness she had sensed in her husband's soundless presence.
Perhaps Megumi was too busy remembering that she didn't notice when finally Kenshin turned around to face her.
"You're awake."
His voice took Megumi out of her recollections and back to the current reality. His eyes met hers for an instant before he quickly broke the connection. She watched as he walked towards a small table and started preparing an afternoon snack.
Kenshin slid the knife, with perfect precision and grace, along the outer surface of the apple. Its unbroken strip of peel spiralling as he continued to move the knife towards the base of the fruit where the last of its red skin was located. He sliced the apple into four, put them into a small bowl, and handed it over to her.
While she quite unwillingly took a small bite from the food she was given, Kenshin's eyes moved to the shafts of sunlight filtering through the blinds. They were shining at the colourless, shrivelled petals of the dry flowers on top of a table. The illumination, as he had observed, did nothing to improve the flowers' dead appearance. They still were miserably lifeless despite bathing in the refreshing light the sun had generously given.
Inhaling noisily, Kenshin stood up and gathered the knife and the fruit peels that were scattered on the table. He went to the sink and washed his hands, staring vacantly at the powerful gush of water and listening to the sound it was creating.
"I've been kept in this room for quite a while- I want to go outside. Why won't you take me to the rooftop with you, Kenshin?" Megumi suddenly asked.
"I believe I have told you already that it's freezing out there. It might just do you harm," was his response, trying so hard to mask the irritation and falsehood in his voice.
He lied. It wasn't concern that was keeping him from taking her there- clearly, it was something else. The rooftop was too much of a special place for him and Kaoru to bring Megumi to. Taking his wife there was equivalent to betraying Kaoru and their most cherished bond, he believed. Somehow he had come to regard it as their heaven, their secret refuge that he didn't want to be spoiled by the discovery or presence of other people including Megumi- especially her.
Megumi watched his every movement carefully, not failing to notice the apparent weariness in his movements. Basing her deduction on the way he had been behaving around her, she had become sure that Kenshin already knew. Many times, she would hear his sighs that were seemingly burdened with melancholy and resentment. His gaze couldn't be more vacant. Often, he would stand for one full hour by the window and observed with an utterly blank gaze as the clouds moved sluggishly in the sky. His mind constantly seemed to be wandering to a place she could not reach or gain access to.
All of these- the icy indifference he tried so hard to conceal, the infinite remoteness she could feel even though he was beside her, and the awful quietness he exuded even when she tried talking to him- were enough to tell her that Kenshin certainly knew of the secret she kept from him for the longest time. It was a secret that had pushed them apart, so far that the threads that bound them once were severed into countless fragments she knew she could never reassemble.
Kenshin was so distant and Megumi didn't know how or if she could even bring him back.
Looking up to where he stood, she called out his name twice and only then did she succeed to bring him out of his now usual stupors. He turned to her with the same inexpressive face and sat on the chair by the bedside.
"I know there are a lot of things you want to talk to me about," she said quietly, reaching out for his hand, "Speak now, I'm ready to hear everything."
Kenshin fought the urge to withdraw his hand as she placed hers on top of it. He never thought he could feel immeasurable unfamiliarity towards a person he once knew so much. He willed his mind to think for a while and a protracted, introspective silence hung above them.
Megumi waited patiently, studying his face and the random flicker of his amber eyes. Then she saw his lips curved a little to form a small, cheerless smile.
"At first, I truly wanted to know why you did what you did. I wanted to know if there was a mistake on my part and if I was solely responsible for what happened. I wanted to know what kind of person that man was that you risked our marriage and everything for him. I wanted to know if and how I could take you back. I wanted to know then but not anymore. Not anymore, Megumi," repeated Kenshin, shaking his head. He looked into her eyes, and momentarily saw blue instead of brown.
He didn't want to know anymore. In fact, he felt kind of grateful- for all the faithlessness he had learned, for all the pains he had endured, for all the beliefs he had dropped, and for everything that had happened. For it was because of this hurricane that he had come to know his rescue. It was through this rain of falsehood that he was able to learn the truth. It was through this cloud of darkness that he was able to see hope. It was though this flood of grief that he was able to discover solace.
It was through this hell that he was able to find heaven. His heart was shattered so that it could be whole again. If his wife hadn't committed infidelity, he wouldn't have met Kaoru.
Megumi could only guess as to what thoughts Kenshin was having as his eyes focused on the keyhole of the bureau in front of him. She could do nothing to restrain him from gliding even farther away. She could do nothing as he stood, withdrew his hand from hers, and walked to the window yet again.
"Before, I could not look at you without being reminded of the awful hurt and resentment I believe you taught me how to feel," he said quietly, talking more to himself than to his wife.
"Now, I cannot look at you without wondering who you are. I have forgotten your place in my life, even the fondest feelings I used to have towards you. Nothing can remind me, Megumi, not even the reality of you in front of me. I can't remember and I don't think I ever will."
The calmness in Kenshin's voice almost made Megumi disregard the hurtful meaning of his words. Only then did she realize that this was the price she had to pay for all the misdeeds she was responsible of- taking what already rightfully belonged to another, inflicting deep wounds that may take forever to heal, throwing away a treasure difficult to find again, and exacting woes to innocent people underserving of it.
Megumi knew her actions were indefensible but still she would speak, for confession and apology could be the soil where forgiveness would flourish.
"I apologize for everything," muttered Megumi, who bowed her head low to hide her now watery eyes, "I know it won't change the terrible things I have done or undo the immeasurable hurt I have caused but still I want to tell you that I am deeply sorry, Kenshin. I am sorry."
He turned his back as Megumi cried remorsefully, her shoulders started to shake and muffled sobs escaping irrepressibly from her mouth filled the previously quiet room. His gaze settled on the hotel building that was easily observable from where he was standing and instantly, memories of a blue-eyed woman he missed terribly flooded his mind.
Kenshin realized then that he was carrying the same guilt Megumi was. He sacrificed the purity of their marriage and fell in love with another person the same way she did. He chose to forget what was good and beautiful about the two of them the same way she did. He took back the heart he had given her and allowed it to beat for love for someone else the same way she did. He chose to let the ruins of their marriage sink to nothingness as he started rebuilding his new life around another person.
Indeed, he was not so different from Megumi. He himself was not so clean of the filth that tainted her.
He pardoned her and all her wrongdoings because Kenshin knew he hadn't been faultless either.
"I forgive you," he whispered inaudibly, "And I hope you'll forgive me too."
However, Kenshin knew that forgiveness was not enough to bring everything back to the way it was before. It would neither close the wide gap between them nor re-establish the intimate feelings they once shared. It would simply set him and her free- Kenshin, from the heaviness hurt and resentment had brought, and Megumi, from the burden of guilt.
The pair allowed the contemplative quietness to linger, both deep in their own thoughts. It was after a long while when a recollection crossed Kenshin's mind. He studied Megumi and when he deduced she was prepared for the kind of information he would share, he spoke and finally broke the silence.
"There's something you need to know."
Megumi wiped some remnants of tears from her face and looked up to meet his waiting gaze. Suddenly, an inexplicable dread took hold of her.
"Sanosuke Sagara…," Kenshin trailed off, becoming a little hesitant.
At the mention of the name, Megumi froze and her heart skipped a beat. She looked pleadingly at him, urging him to say the words she didn't know she would never want to hear.
"He passed away."
Megumi let go of the breath she was holding a while ago and then realization came crashing at her, hard, smothering her with absolute pain and disbelief. She tossed away the blanket that was covering her legs and made a gesture to get out of the bed, until Kenshin's firm hand on her shoulder reminded her that she was actually incapable of walking. Stubbornly, she tried moving her feet and escaping from his grip, but to no avail. She wanted to see Sanosuke, to discover for herself that Kenshin was lying and that Sanosuke was still alive, waiting and wishing for her to get better.
Realizing that her efforts were pointless, Megumi finally rested from her struggle and just buried her face in her hands, crying as overpowering sobs escaped from her mouth. The man she loved most and had risked everything for was dead. She didn't even get the last chance to tell him what he truly meant to her and how her time with him was the happiest of her life.
How Megumi wished that she had woken up earlier or that she had never woken up at all- death was much sweeter than a life without Sano was.
Megumi wept and felt her heart break ceaselessly.
Assured that she wouldn't try to get out of bed again, Kenshin exited the room and closed the door behind him soundlessly. He leaned his back against the wall and listened to the muffled sounds indicative of pain, remorse, loss, and helplessness.
Achingly, Kenshin wondered if Kaoru was crying for Sanosuke Sagara in the same way too.
"Thank you," said Kaoru to her green-eyed friend as she pinned a small, black ribbon to her chest- a symbol indicative of mourning for the dead.
"Don't mention it," the woman responded, smiling a little, "I'll be in the other room to attend to the visitors, come out when you're ready."
Kaoru nodded and reciprocated the quick hug she was given. She watched as the long, braided hair of her friend swayed with the movements of her retreating figure. The departure left her alone in an isolation Kaoru was aware she was quite terrified to face.
Finding a tool nearby, she sat, inhaled deeply, and drowned in the impeccable silence of the small room- the silence that amplified the loudness of guilt that was violently screaming at her from some corner of her mind. Sanosuke died without her by his side. While her husband was fighting for his life, she was out spending joyous time with another man.
It was four in the morning when Sano died because his heart suddenly stopped beating. The medical team tried desperately to revive him but was unsuccessful. "It felt as if he just gave up on living," described one of the doctors to Kaoru. At that moment, she instantly felt that her absence contributed significantly to her husband's passing. Kaoru wasn't sure if her presence had the power to save Sano from the clutches of death or if she still was the inspiration he had to keep on living, but she knew she should have stayed steadfastly by his side- to root for him as he fought, to hold his hand and somehow make him feel that he was awaited, that his life was still of importance to someone and that his ill deeds were already forgiven.
She was his wife. Through thick and thin, it was her duty to stay by his side. It wasn't such an extraordinary obligation yet she failed to honour it.
Indeed Sanosuke had been unfaithful to her. Indeed he had inflicted upon her pain enough to last for a thousand lifetimes, but his death wasn't a fitting price he had to pay for all his wrongdoings. He deserved to live, Kaoru thought. So that he could make amends with the people he had wounded and correct all the mistakes he had committed. Sano could have started anew if only he lived, if only she hadn't been horribly selfish to abandon him when he crucially needed attention and devotion.
Kaoru barely felt the tears that rolled down her face but she was quick to put a hand over her mouth to silence the sobs that had begun filling the small room. In her mind, she wrathfully cursed herself, her stupid choices and her immeasurable selfishness that may have been the real reason why there was a funeral outside. Her husband died because she chose to relish the adulterous, sinful happiness she had with another man.
O, what a heartlessly selfish and iniquitous monster she was.
Kaoru wept bitterly, deliberately allowing herself to drown in a deep flood of guilt-ridden and rueful contemplations.
Standing dutifully beside her husband's remains, Kaoru bowed to and thanked each one who came up to her to offer words of reassurance and understanding. There was an almost endless stream of friends and family coming to grieve his passing for despite of all, Sanosuke was a good man, one who never thought twice in helping others, in giving what he had to those in grave need, and in standing up for what he believed was right.
Not failing to notice the watery eyes, the listlessness in her movements, and the concealed gloom in her little smile, the visitors talked secretly among themselves of how infinite Kaoru Sagara's loneliness could be. The woman must have been a loving and devoted wife overwhelmed by the agony of prematurely losing her husband. Pity to the widow left alone to mend a heart shattered beyond repair, they all silently thought.
Time passed softly and with very little presence. Evening came and the number of visitors had significantly declined, although a few remained to accompany Kaoru throughout the night. Even as great weariness started creeping on her body, Kaoru didn't consider resting for even a moment. She had failed Sano countless times before- it would kill her to miss the last chance she had to fulfil her duties as his wife.
Less than an hour before midnight, the door of the funeral hall opened noiselessly to make way for a man Kaoru did not expect to receive but did secretly wish to see. She stood up slowly to acknowledge his secretly cherished arrival, and with eyes that almost instantly started to water, watched as he made his way to her.
Kenshin Himura walked with steps deliberate and silent. In his movements was the subtle grace Kaoru had been perfectly accustomed to and enamoured with. With a stooping bow, he paid his respect to the dead and then turned to face for the first time the mourning widow- the same woman who was the holder of his heart.
"I extend my deepest sympathy, Mrs. Sagara," said Kenshin in a compassionate voice that shook slightly, his heart aching at the necessity to address her formally.
"Thank you for coming, Mr. Himura," Kaoru responded, along with a bow that made some of her hair escape from where they were previously held behind her ears. She sat down and made a gesture instructing him to do the same. The pair sat opposite each other, eyes glued to their respective hands and lips drawn tightly into thin lines. Sanosuke's photograph hanging overhead was symbolically in between them.
Kenshin inhaled deeply, preparing himself for the overwhelming ache he knew he would soon find himself drowned in. He looked up and searched for a pair of lonely sapphire eyes that Kaoru had deliberately hidden behind her fallen ebony locks.
A vicious battle of guilt versus gladness raged inside Kaoru. She was supposed to be smothered by great anguish over her husband's death and the small role she believed she played in it. She was supposed to be deep in grief and remorse- underserving of whatever kind of reprieve. Yet she couldn't help a part of her from feeling comforted, even joyous at being so close to her beloved after such a long while.
"Kaoru," she heard him whispered her name, with soft desperation that sought for her attention. She knew that the moment she looked up to meet his gaze, her heart would yet again be occupied with so much love that had brought her both happiness and pain. It was horribly wrong to allow that to occur, specially now in front of her dead husband's remains. It was horribly wrong but it was what she desperately yearned for. She needed to look into his eyes and bask in the gentle understanding, in the compassionate acceptance that Kenshin was always ready to offer her. She wanted to look into his eyes and feel loved, precious despite her sinfulness and unworthiness.
It was so wrong to feel this way but she desired a little warmth of his affection to help her endure the coldness of her misery.
Tears gathered quickly in her eyes and she stooped her head even lower so that her pain would be hidden from him. Warring emotions of joy against sorrow and of need against control viciously tore her heart apart. She didn't know what she should permit to triumph- the adulterous bliss of Kenshin's company or the befitting grief of Sanosuke's death. While half of her soared to meet the heavens for deliverance, the other half was dragged into the pits for punishment. Kaoru was savagely torn in the process and the pain became too excruciating to hide.
The great efforts she put into staying composed proved to be futile as her face finally broke into a contorted expression indicative of pain and defeat. Her shoulders likewise started quivering and the first restrained sobs escaped from her mouth. The tears that had earlier gathered fell unceasingly from the corner of her eyes. Aware that her disquieted state had become evident to everyone, Kaoru immediately buried her face into her hands and wept- permitting the powerful emotions to take over and further assail her wounded heart.
Another heart broke soundlessly as the widow's muffled sobs filled the air. Kenshin's gaze never left her trembling form as he listened. His hands curled tightly into fists as he tried hard to fight the urgent yearning within him to take her into his arms and crash her body to his. He wanted badly to kiss her tears away, to enclose her in a protective embrace, to shield her from the darting arrows of misery.
He wanted to do so much yet he could do nothing.
He could just watch as in front of him the person he loved most wept as she was being overwhelmed by mighty burdens from which he could not save her. She freed him from the shackles of melancholy- yet now as she was being imprisoned in a remote place where nothing thrived but loneliness, he could not rescue her. She offered him shelter when a storm of heartaches fell hard upon him- yet now as she was being pelted by a torrent of remorse and self-loathing, he could not protect her. Kaoru served as his redemption and, in his head, Kenshin wrathfully cursed himself when he realized he couldn't do the same.
A contemplative silence that was occasionally pierced by Kaoru's soft cries lingered in the room. She kept her face still hidden behind her hands- scared to reveal that she was in so much despair not because of her husband's passing but because of longing for another man, for the one sitting and waiting in front of her.
Seeming to have a life of its own, Kenshin's hand began moving a little to reach for hers. He however was swift to comprehend the inappropriateness of his action and withdrew his hand quite grudgingly. Instead he brought it to his face, to wipe hurriedly a tear that had managed to escape and slide down his cheek. Kenshin bowed his head for a moment and closed his eyes in an attempt to ward off the tears that were yet again beginning to gather- tears that may had been evoked by the onerous sense of helplessness and gloom crushing his whole being. He had no idea why but chose to believe anyway that being there in Sanosuke Sagara's funeral and facing his widow that was left behind, he felt as if he had no right to express any of his personal feelings or desires.
A minute later, when he believed he was ready to look at Kaoru again, Kenshin raised his head and was a little surprised but immensely pleased to find her finally meeting his gaze. She sniffled, wiped the remaining tears away, and flashed a small, sad smile at him. The slight flickering of her swollen sapphire eyes made his heart skip a beat. Afraid that at any moment she may break the precious and long awaited connection, Kenshin immediately bared his sincerest emotions through his eyes- saying through them what he could not through words or actions.
He hoped that it would be enough to make Kaoru realize that his love for her was beyond measure- limitless.
That despite of all the heartaches ravaging both of them, he never regretted falling in love with her.
That whatever it was she may need, he would be there to offer her unending support and help.
That he would forever be her refuge, where she could rest her jaded heart and where she was accepted, cherished for everything that she was.
That he would wait perpetually for her, till she was ready to take his hand and go with him wherever the threads of fate may lead them.
Kaoru allowed herself to be taken away, to be warmed by the powerful emotions burning resolutely in his amber eyes. In them, she saw this beauty that paradoxically blossomed from a tragedy- a love that despite being born amidst the ugly ruins of untruthfulness and hurt was able to flourish into something so genuine, exquisite, and rare.
She watched as his eyes were covered by a thin film of unshed tears, and she fought the compulsion to bring her hand to his face, to ease the immense loneliness she knew was bearing down on Kenshin too. 'I am yours, I am so yours,' she desperately wanted to say out loud but couldn't, because occupying her peripheral vision were Sano's cinerary urn and the presence of other people- a constant reminder for her to repress or conceal her feelings no matter how true and powerful they may be.
"I'm sorry," Kenshin suddenly whispered, voice slightly shaking. It was one thought he could not stop himself from verbalizing, for it was what he wanted so much for Kaoru to hear. In that moment when she needed him the most, when her pain was the greatest, all he could do was watch and offer her nothing but his silent presence- and for that he was deeply sorry, infinitely sorry.
The implications of his words and the evident helplessness pained Kaoru- if only she had a way speak freely to him- to declare that there was no reason to be sorry, that he was her peace in this turmoil, and that he, being there, was all she could ever ask for.
The calmness that was restored to Kaoru not too long ago was yet again ruined as a fresh wave of sobs overwhelmed her. Kenshin watched noiselessly and helplessly, never taking his eyes off her unsteady form. If it was the only way he could share her pain, even as it wreaked great havoc upon his already shattered heart, he would stand by Kaoru and watch.
To the people present in the funeral and mutely observing the pair, all they were able to see was a widow deep in grief as she lamented the inopportune passing of her good husband and a man struggling to sympathize with her through awfully limited and hackneyed words. None was able to recognize that quite actually it was a depiction of two contradictory circumstances- one's demise and the other's deliverance.
Little by little, Kenshin died inside as he could do nothing but watch the person he loved most wept, not knowing that the only inspiration she had to go on living was he and the promise of being with him again someday.
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