Ok not mine deal with it

Right we begin this tale with a teeny tiny bit of angst but you know "it's getting better all the time," as they say on my Dad's old records. Anyhoo I don't think there's anything more I wanna say so err enjoy the story. oh hang on yes there is it's loosely based on The Tortoise and The Hare there now enjoy the story.

The Electro Poof vs. The Jazz Maverick

Once upon a time

Vince and Howard were in the middle of the war; Howard hadn't spoken to Vince in a month which Vince was majorly upset about. No one was quite sure how it started one minute they were having a laugh about Bob's new haircut and then screaming and yelling and shouting. Now Howard has zipped his lips when it comes to Vince and Vince couldn't be more upset, he now had no one to talk to no one to take the piss out of and no one to crimp with his life was over as far as he was concerned. It wasn't really a war anymore it was to start with; it started with practical jokes tacks on chairs, salt in the sugar jar that sort of thing it then escalated to water bombs and the slime bucket on the doorway which was the part Vince couldn't stand because it got in his hair, the breaking point was when Vince smashed stationary village. It happened a little like this… actually it went exactly like this.

(FLASHBACK SEQUANCE oohohohohooohhooo [that's err supposed to be dramatic music if you're wondering)

"What'd you do that for?" Vince shouted at Howard. He was covered in slime when he was wearing his brand new expensive top that he had been on the waiting list for months to get. "This is brand new!"

"Good you had it coming," Howard said calmly. Well he wasn't sure why he did it, wait no yes he was Vince said the only comeback Howard had was giving himself a Chinese burn so Howard just had to prove him wrong

"What do you mean had it coming? I only dropped a water bomb at you!" Vince was furious. He had never been so angry before and he had no idea what to do with it. He was usually the calm and nice one, at peace with the world, but this whole war thing had threw him he hated every second of it but he didn't know what to do, damn Howard for starting it with his Howlin James Blunt or Muddy Brick or some stupid jazz musician and their stupid record.

"It was the size of a bag of rockmelons and you threw it off the roof," Howard remembered it and he still had a headache from where it landed. He was convinced that he was angrier than Vince was after all it was Vince who started this whole fight with his Jean-Claude Jacket-ette or whatever the hell it was

"So there was no reason to ruin my new top," Vince looked at his top and whimpered at the state of it.

"Oh and who do you think is going to wash it hm? Who do you think is going to make your breakfast? Who do you think rushes after you like your bloody mother?"

"You're a twat just like her," Vince yelled back

"I'm the twat?" Howard shouted

"Yes you are a twat; you're a stupid bollocking twat!" They were screaming at each other

"OH that's rich coming from you, you're a bloody wanna-be woman, if anyone's a twat it would be you," Howard had no idea where this was coming from but he did know both of them were too stubborn to stand down, he wished he wasn't stubborn and he really wished he hadn't said that because Vince started tearing up.

"Well… you're so anal you have to have a bloody house for a pencil," Vince, with tears streaming down his cheeks, walked over to stationary village, "why can't you just throw them on the ground?" … well no prizes for guessing what he did next.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-o

So after that… eventful afternoon Howard wasn't speaking to Vince which Vince found funny at first

"Hey Howard, your jacket makes you look like a log covered in chocolate icing and poo with no sprinkles or anything" He waited for Howard's reaction, nothing not even a look of death. "You won't be able to keep this up," Howard nearly said "yes I will" but he stopped himself at the last minute. Vince laughed.

But the jokes ended about there

"Howard… Howard… Howard… Howard… Howard," Vince repeated over and over again but Howard continued to make himself a cup of tea "Why aren't you talking to me?" Howard gave him a look "Ok stupid question, but that was a week ago can't you just forget about it? I have," Vince sighed "look I'm sorry… I need you, you're my best mate we've been through everything together… who will I crimp with?" Howard was just about to accept his apology when "I don't know how to use the washing machine my clothes are well rank," Howard rolled his eyes and stormed out of the room

-3-3-e-d-d—x-x-x-x-x-x-x

So Vince learnt apologies aren't his thing which is a shame because that really would have helped the situation here. So a few weeks later we come back to where we started. Howard had started sleeping on the couch, Vince was very upset he missed talking to Howard he even missed the jazz records and the hives that came afterwards. He tried washing his clothes and cooking but he nearly flooded at the flat and then exploded the oven so Bollo is now in charge of Vince's domestic stuff, Vince has lived off bananas and bootlaces ever since THAT argument. Howard hasn't spoken to anyone since THAT argument he had written a diary but he has terrible handwriting and no-one could translate it even Naboo scratched his head when they went through it without Howard knowing. In the end it was Bob who saved the day.

"VINCEY! How's it going?" Bob shouted as he barged into the shop, Howard didn't even look up, Vince on the other hand had never been this glad to see him.

"Alright," Vince grinned "What you doing here?"

"Just wanted to see how my gold mine is doing!" Bob picked Vince up and for once Vince didn't mind. Now before you say anything he didn't actually consider Bob as his best friend or like Bob picking him up he just wanted Howard to feel jealous and start talking again.

"He's doing fine, but really what are you doing here?" He snuggled into Bob's arms; he glanced at Howard who was trying his best to ignore his ex-best friend except it wasn't really working.

"I'm having a race at the Velvet Onion,"

"What like a running race?"

"No a run around in your knickers race, but no one wants to compete,"

"I will" Howard stood up and said loudly Vince gasped, not so much because Howard talked but because Bob was in such shock that he dropped him.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Bob screamed at Howard. "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH MY CHOCOLATE BEANIE?"

"I'm Howard Moon: explorer and I want nothing to do with your chocolate beanie," He posed like a superhero, a theme song played, it was dramatic lighting galore; it was like he had been rehearsing it in front of the mirror when no-one was looking…

"Howard what are you doing?" Vince smiled. His plan was working, his brain cell cheered.

"I deal with you later," Howard said to Vince with fire in his eyes "Bob I want to take part in the race,"

"Me too," Vince stood up and grinned at Howard who didn't notice the grin but noticed the competition.

"GREAT ! MAY THE BEST MAN WIN!" Bob shouted with glee and danced out of the shop "I'm gonna make mon-ey I'm gonna make mon-ey," he sang

"Hey you're talking!" Vince said and looked at him awkwardly.

"Yeah well don't get used to it," Howard muttered.

"What's that meant to mean?" Vince said slightly offended

"I am going to win that race, and you will lose my friend and you will lose hard," Howard said very seriously. Vince was just happy to be called friend again so he laughed at his seriousness.

"Do you want to make it into a competition?" Vince joked

"Alright winner takes it all," Howard said seriously

"What are you an ABBA song?" Vince giggled at his joke but then thought about it "But ok… if I win you have to do my laundry and clean my side of our room,"

"Oh not that anything but that," Howard winced at the thought, and who could blame him? Howard had seen Vince's side it's hard to explain how messy it is, think of a jungle and then multiply by it by 977221.

"And then cook me a ginormous feast and then to end it,"

"What?" Howard whined in a "what more do you want from me" way.

"Be my friend again," Vince said Howard had a quick think

"But if I win-"

"Yeah right as if," Vince laughed

"But if I win you rebuild Stationary Village from scratch and,"

"URGH not anal village," Vince cried

"AND you have to," He held the suspense "You have to say sorry for everything you've done,"

"But I didn't do anything," Vince moaned

"No buts, you have your conditions and I have mine," Howard looked Vince dead in the eye "deal?" Vince sighed

"Deal,"

-r—d-v-d-s-w-3—v—d-w—xxx-x-x-x-x

"You're not going to win you know," Howard said "Just because you'll wear a Zebra print Lycra vest doesn't mean you'll run faster," Vince was trying on outfits for the race.

"It's on tomorrow and I have nothing to wear," Their fight had been put on hold for the moment, the race was more important than THAT argument "I don't want to get all sweaty,"

"You're going to exercise you're going to have to get sweaty at some point," Howard pointed out

"Not really Naboo has been making a potion for me to drink so I don't have to sweat its genius,"

"Are you prepared at all?"

"Howard I don't need to be, I learnt how to run from Jahooley the leopard it's you who should be worried about getting prepared,"

"What do you mean? I'm Howard Moon man of action I was born to run," Howard had also run laps of the counter when no one was looking but that really didn't matter

"Well I thought with you being so old you'd crack a hip or something," Vince admired his shiny tie headband in the mirror not really paying attention to the conversation.

"How can you not know how old I am? We must have been through this only the thousand times before," Howard said frustrated

"Err 655 in dog years?" Vince said Howard did some quick maths (now if you add the 5 and then take the 67...)

"That's 93; you think I'm ninety three?" Howard said shocked

"How old are you then?"

"I'm 3 years younger than you; I was only in your year because of my moustache,"

"Whatever what do you think?" Vince held up two boxers "paint-splatter with a silver sequin underline or the 'I'm with stupid'?" Howard raised an eyebrow "no you're right I need something warmer," he went back to his wardrobe and raked it for more vests.

"What you're actually going to wear something comfortable and useful?" Howard shouted after him he walked into their room and gasped. While Howard was on the couch the room had turned into a Vince tornado but on top of that mess was the entire contents of Vince's knickers draws.

"No I meant warmer colours I'm thinking Savannah Sunrise for the boxers and a Lycra red leopard print vest and to finish it my yellow thigh-length trainers alright?" Vince didn't wait for approval he was already in his jim jams he was ready for bed. "Well I'm gonna need my sleep if I'm going to win the race tomorrow,"

"Yeah whatever Vince you'll never win," Howard said although Howard wasn't too sure of that I mean yeah he's Howard Moon man of action but he wasn't the fastest person in the world he knew that. So did Vince, he remembered Sports Day at primary school all those years ago

(ANOTHER FLASHBACK SEQUENCE ohohohohooohohohoh [two in one chapter I feel a right goer])

"Come on Howard you've only got 6 feet to go and if you keep going like this you'll beat the kid who had a seizure," It was dark everyone had gone home apart from Vince and Howard. Howard was still running well I wouldn't call it running more like crawling along the ground, gasping for water and sweating like a trumpet. It was the 500 metres the last event of the day Howard entered the race to win the affections of Marilyn (who "coincidently" ended up being Vince's first girlfriend) and was beaten by the two tough boys in the class Mick and Sam. Vince didn't enter he didn't want to ruin his new hairdo (it was the late eighties early nineties think big, backcombed and teased into oblivion with no shame at all) "come on Howard." Howard collapsed from being too tired and Vince, not wanting to leave his friend, fell asleep next to him. In the end the kid who had the seizure did beat Howard after being wheeled across the finish line the morning after.

(annnddd back to reality)

As a result from past experiences Vince knew he was probably going to win hell he knew Howard didn't have a teapot's chance on mars of winning (you ask the moon about that analogy he'll tell you all about it). So Vince was very confident and cocky about this race he even had Bob rig the betting pools so Vince's odds were lower than Howards , Vince thought that was a good thing he wasn't entirely sure what all that meant. Anyway the day of the race was finally here, Vince was lying on the couch and Howard was stretching

"Why are you on the couch don't you have to warm up?" Howard said in-between touching his toes or at least trying to.

"I am Jahooley taught me that warming up is a state of mind all that stretching business is useless, if you think you're ready to run then you are ready to run," Vince said and then grinned at Howard who was in his most comfortable vest and boxers. "Are you really wearing that?"

"Yeah why what's wrong with it?"

"It's got a great big brown stain down the front of the boxers," Vince laughed Howard looked down and there it was glaring at him.

"You did this didn't you?" Howard suddenly felt like over-reacting, he was in an overdramatic mood.

"What are you talking about?" Vince was just confused

"You wanted me to look like a ball-bag, so you stained my shorts?"

"No Bollo did that he's in charge of washing up he accidently spilt hot chocolate all over it and then it didn't come out in the wash,"

"Is that really your best excuse?" Howard gave his best withering look.

"It's not an excuse it's the truth," Vince said, in all honesty Vince was the one who spilt the hot chocolate but he wasn't going to bring that up.

"These are the only pair I have that don't have holes in them,"

"Eww. Um well borrow a pair of mine," He said in a yucky-grossed-out kinda way "in fact you can have them," He dragged Howard to the wardrobe and analysed what Howard's hair was doing, the current weather, what his skin tone looked like in that particular moment, the way his chocolate eyes seem to sing at Vince all the important details. He then picked up his black and white fake tux vest and black and white thick striped boxers, "Here these are yours they'll go nicely with your black trainers now leave me alone you're ruining my warm up," Howard snickered at the thought of Vince 'warming up' because he knew it consisted of Vince, a bowl of soup, the couch and Gary Numen's entire back catalogue.

x-x-x-x-x-x-3-f-g-6-8-f-b-s-e-w-g-x-x-x-x-x

It was an hour until the race; they were both in front of The Velvet Onion Vince was posing for photos Howard was looking at the betting odds wondering how on earth did people bet 12399432 euros on a race that really meant nothing and worst of all they were bets against him. Then he realised it was Bainbridge who was betting all that money and he saw Bainbridge in the tent reserved for The Velvet Underground staff, there is no way he's going to win now Bainbridge would kill him if he won. But hold on Howard isn't working for Bainbridge anymore if he kills him it's now illegal, after a small epiphany Howard was determined to win now just to make Bainbridge angry.

c-x—s-d-f-e-x-x-x-x-xx

Vince was talking to Bob well more like Vince was putting up with Bob speaking; he wasn't a huge fan of The Bobmiester if you can't tell already.

"We have this all rigged Vincey there is no way Howard is going to win," Bob was staring at Vince's Lycra clad chest

"Alright," Vince grinned, he knew technically it was cheating but he hadn't eaten properly in months and he really didn't want to rebuild Stationary Village. He knew how it would pan out; he would do it his way and make outfits for all the pens and pencils and then Howard would make him do it again in the exact same way he had it before which was boring.

"That's a nice," Bob trailed off and put his hand on Vince's chest.

"Don't touch me," Vince said Bob quickly drew his hand away. Vince realised how much he sounded like Howard and laughed it off thinking that maybe next time he should try a different tactic because he didn't want to turn into Howard.

0-0-00-0-0-0

I know lame finisher no cliff-hanger or suspense nothing. But then I'm the storyteller here I control these things and you've had your fix you fan fiction junkie you.