A/N: Alright time for a confession. I am a music addict. I find it absolutely impossible to write without listening to music. I have playlist on YouTube titled "Leo's Playlist". Songs are all about Leo or songs that remind me of Leo. If you're in need of some killer music, check it out. It always makes me happy. Search for artisticallychic's profile and you'll find it. Hope you like
Anyways, on with the story! Italicized words are internal thoughts. Italicized in quotes is the note.
Disclaimer: I do not own TMNT
Brenna awoke to shouting muffled by the closed door. The numb pain in her gut twisted, and she felt like crying, but she couldn't. It had been too long. She angrily untangled the earphones at her side and shoved them in her ears, letting the sharp metallic music distract her of any other noise. It was the only way to escape anymore, drowning herself in music and pain. It felt so good when she would hurt herself. All of her numb anger and frustration would just go away for a little while, leaving nothing but a stinging pain. She loved being able to actually feel something. She had grown so numb over the past few months, and nothing but cutting had been able to pierce the haze that blanketed over her. She didn't feel anything anymore, even fear. She had no trouble walking in back alleys at night, even when she knew there were gang members around. She knew she should be scared, but she just couldn't be. She didn't see a point to it, just like everything else about her life. Life had no purpose to her anymore.
But hopefully that will change, she thought to herself. Tyler said I'd be in after some kinda test, then I will have a place I can fit in and do something worthwhile, at least a little bit.
A slam rattled the door, and the bang cut through her music, signaling the departure of her father. Now to deal with malfunctioning parent number two. Brenna sat up, the familiar sting of the cuts shooting up her arm as the rough fabric rubbed against it. She sighed, a faint hint of a smile touching her lips. To her, the scars looked beautiful, a reminder that she was alive and could still feel at least something. Each red line was a tally mark, a battle scar of another day survived. The few people that had seen had grimaced and yelled at her, but she had quickly adjusted her wardrobe and now only wore long shirts, despite the warm weather. That was okay with her. There was more than one reason she hid herself in so many ways. She couldn't let anyone in to see how broken she was inside, and somehow only wearing clothes that exposed her head and neck helped her feel more secure.
She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and unconsciously tugged her sleeves down over her arms. They always seemed to creep up her arm while she slept. She threw the covers off of her legs and stood up before gathering the large blanket and pillows from the couch and throwing them onto her bed. A small piece of paper fluttered to the floor and she snatched it up after catching sight of the elegant handwriting from her last note.
"My name is Leonardo. I was the one that returned your journal. I came back tonight to check on you because it sounded like you are having a hard time. I don't know much about you, but I can tell you that there is ALWAYS someone out there who has it worse off than you do. Just something to think about. I don't know what I can do to help you, but if you need anything, leave a note and I will find it and respond as soon as I can."
Brenna rubbed her neck in frustration. What the hell? This person was in my room? Who the hell do they think they are?
She growled in confusion and anger at the note and stuffed it in her pocket.
I don't need anyone's help. I'm doin' just fine on my own.
Leo descended the rungs of the ladder after grinding the manhole cover into place, leaving the brightening world above behind. He limped the last few hundred feet to the lair door and pulled the disguised latch, before stumbling into the lair as the door closed behind him.
The lair was quiet. After the late mission last night, everyone followed the general rule of a delayed training session and was still asleep. Leo could hear the snoring from Michelangelo's room, and Don's lab was empty, which meant he was in his room. He didn't, however, hear the low rumbling of Raphael's breathing. Leo decided to check the dojo, and wandered towards the doors.
"Raph?" He called after sliding the doors open. The room was faintly lit by a row of candles flickering in the corner, faintly illuminating the outline of his brother.
"What?" Leo strained to hear Raph's soft, low voice.
"Why are you still up?" Leo couldn't hold back the older brother worry. Raph was hunched over, and he looked beaten and tired. Leo quickly walked over to him, knelt down, and put a hand on his shoulder. "Raph, what happened?"
The red banded turtle blinked and sighed. "Notin'. Just couldn' sleep, dats all."
"It doesn't look like that's all." When his brother flinched but didn't say anything, Leo continued. "What's going on Raph? Please, I want to help."
"Dere's notin' wrong wit me, so I dunno whatcha think ya need ta help with." Raph said sharply, blinking back the stinging in his eyes. Leo was silent, and the only conversation that passed between them was the sound of soft breathing.
"Raph," Leo said quietly. "You and I both know that this isn't you. What I said on the roof still stands, but all I want is for you to be happy, and we both know that you aren't."
"I am. I've never felt betta." Raph said gruffly, and even he could hear the lie in it.
"Are you? Are you really, Raph? 'Cause it sure doesn't look like it to me. You don't even seem like you feel anything anymore. You're just….empty."
Raph glared at the floor. Leo sighed and pulled his hand from his brother's shoulder.
"Raph, do you remember what happened after the Utroms rescued us from that ship? Remember what I was like after? I was like you. I was temperamental, and angry at myself for getting us in that situation with no way out. We would have died if they hadn't come in time. I blamed myself, and I was so focused on how it was my fault, how there was something that I could have done better, that I lost myself, just like you're doing now. You're killing yourself, you're destroying the Raphael that we all know and love."
Raph's eyes stung. His older brother was absolutely right. He felt himself slipping away, and he didn't know who he was anymore.
It has ta be dis way.
No it don't and you know it.
Yes it does. I can't risk hurting dem anymore. Dere's been too many times dat I've been close ta hurtin one of dem. No more.
But ya neverhave hurt one of dem.
Yeah, I have.
You know dat's not true. And dey always furgive ya when ya mess up. Leo's always da first one, and even after ya broke his swords, he still showed ya he needed ya.
Leo suddenly stood up. "Just like when I was messed up and none of you could get through to me, you're gonna have to decide for yourself who you want to be, Raph. But no matter what you choose, Sensei, Mikey, Donnie, and I will always love and need you." He gave Raph's shoulder a squeeze and headed to the doors.
"Leo," Raph called as his brother opened the doors.
"Yeah?" He said as he turned and faced Raph.
"Where were ya?" Raph asked as if nothing was wrong.
Leo sighed, then faintly smiled. "Looking after someone that is a lot like you."
Leo slipped through the doors, leaving a curious and confused brother in the dark.