AN: This is a companion piece to Black Cat so you should probably read that before you read this.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, nor do I own Alice's Adventures in Wonderland or Snow Patrol.
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here.
- Snow Patrol, Run
March 2005:
Alice Catherine Jareau, seven years old, blonde hair blue eyes. Born June 21, 1990. Missing since June 21, 1997. Someone, probably my aunt, had penciled in Found December 21st 1997. I could hardly tear my eyes away from the flyer lying innocently just on top of the cardboard box. My stomach was rolling, I knew I shouldn't continue looking at it, but it was like a train wreck that no one can quite look away from. My name is Alice Catherine Jareau. I haven't used the name Alice since I was 'found', it still hurts to use that name.
Jen has come back home for the weekend. Strauss let her have time off work while I was in the hospital but as soon I as I was released; Jen was called back in to work. I have never met her, but really don't like that lady. It is selfish, but I need my sister. Having my aunt Charlotte around is weird; she keeps asking me questions and she wont let me do anything by myself. I am fourteen years old and I am not broken. Jen knows that I don't want to talk, she doesn't push and she lets me take a shower by myself.
Today is March 19th, 2005. My older sister Jennifer and I are cleaning out our parent's attic and finishing packing up the house. Due to the cast on my leg Derek had to carry me up the stairs, it was a little embarrassing. The rest of Jen's team, Aaron Hotchner, Jason Gideon, Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan are clearing out the garage. Penelope Garcia is keeping our aunt Charlotte busy. Our parents died six weeks ago. I miss them so much, my heart feels like someone ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it, then replaced it inside me. I have been out of the hospital for just over a week and Jen has just come back home. Home: that word generates a stabbing pain in my chest. My breathing is ragged, I'm moving. I'm going to have a new home. My aunt wants me to move in with her and my cousin Tanya. Tanya is eighteen and hates me. I want to live with Jen.
Jen looks over at me when my breathing changes. She moves gracefully around the mess of boxes in the attic. When Jen sees what I can't tear my eyes away from tears fill her eyes and she picks up the offending piece of paper, folds it and puts it into her back pocket. A wave of relief washes over me as soon as I can no longer see the flyer. Jen kneels down to where I'm sitting on the floor; she hugs me close, rubbing my back. I wrap my arms around her middle, resting my head on her shoulder. When she pulls back, we are both more composed.
I whispered "Jen I can't live here anymore. It hurts too much."
She whispered back. "I know Kitty Cat, I can't stay here either."
As soon as we are finished with the boxes (most of it is going to Good Will), Jen goes down to get Derek. He carries me down the stairs to the kitchen on the main floor. It is time for lunch; my aunt Charlotte has made lasagna, salad and garlic bread. It is my favorite meal; I think my aunt is trying to suck up to me. The will reading is tomorrow. It would have been sooner but I was in the hospital and Jen was with me, then she was at work. I want to live with Jen.
March 20th 2005:
The team decided to wait for Jen and me at the hotel. We walked, or in my case crutched, into the office together. Mr. Brenner, our parent's lawyer, was sitting behind his desk. My aunt was sitting in one of the three available chairs. Jen and I nodded to her and she nodded back. Jen helped me to sit on the chair furthest away from my aunt and she sat down in the middle. Her message was clear to me: she was protecting me.
My aunt and I had a fight last night, I wanted Jen to sleep in my room and my aunt tried to make her leave, to go back to the hotel with the rest of the team. Jen was ready to give in just to keep the peace when I had a panic attack at the thought of her imminent departure. That settled the matter really quickly, my aunt cannot calm me down at all, and she knows it takes me hours to calm down on my own. She has seen it often enough this past week.
The will dictated that the house be sold and proceeds divided equally between my sister and I. Jen and I were to share our mother's jewelry and the rest of the estate. My mother left something for my aunt but I wasn't paying attention because the will also said that I was to live with my sister. I sighed in relief and Jen squeezed my hand. My aunt was not happy. She was downright furious. She spent a while yelling at Jen, the most common things being that her job was too dangerous and that she, at twenty-six was not old enough to take care of an accident-prone fourteen year old. I resent that remark. I am not accident-prone, all my injuries are sports related. It's not like a break toes in the bathtub or anything.
My aunt promised to take Jen to court to get custody of me if she had to. Then she signed the papers and stormed out. Jen and I also signed the documents, and then we walked out slowly. We hugged tightly once we were outside and I put on my headphones and pulled out a book. I can't get into a car without panicking but we needed to go to the restaurant to meet the team. The distractions of music and a book were the only thing that could get me anywhere near a car. Even then, every truck we pass causes flashbacks and I can feel the desire to panic rising inside me.
I climbed out of the car as fast as possible once we got to the restaurant. Jen stayed close, blocking me from the view of passers by, but not touching me. Once I had calmed down, Jen hugged me gently and we made our way to the door, schooling our faces until we wouldn't give anything away. We sat down at the big table with Spencer on my right and Jen on my left.
"How did it go?" asked Spencer.
Jen smiled at the team but looked at me when she said, "I need a bigger apartment."
My grin was wide and I wanted to throw myself at her. Luckily for her, I have more restraint then that in public. The team was very happy for us. For dessert Derek bought me ice cream and Penelope bought Jen a piece of chocolate cake. Spencer whispered to me that my gift from him was back in the hotel. Spencer's gift it turns out was a book, Dante's The Divine Comedy, and a letter of recommendation for my college application.
After dinner, Jen's team went back to the hotel and Jen and I went home to an almost empty house. We got ready for bed in separate rooms, and then Jen came to my room to sleep. It was the only room left in the house with a bed. When I stood up and reached out my arms to hug my sister goodnight, my long sleeved shirt rose just high enough for Jen to see something red on it.
"What is that!" she demanded, grabbing my wrist.
I tried to back away but her hold was too tight and I was too unsteady on my feet. She pulled up my shirtsleeve and looked hard at my wrist for a long time. Then she grabbed the other wrist and pushed up that sleeve as well. On my left wrist written in red ink were the numbers 4,3,4,2 and on my right wrist was just the number 2. I stayed silent.
"Catherine," she said in her mom voice, "I'm waiting for an answer."
I stayed silent and tried to back away. But Jen's grip was too tight. She tried a different tactic; with one finger she raised my chin until I had no choice but to look at her. "Kitty Cat-" she started.
"Four, three, four two. Were the only ones left Jen, I can't lose you too." I whispered, cutting off whatever she was about to say.
Understanding and acceptance were evident in her eyes. She hugged me gently. "You won't lose me."
The next morning was Monday and we drove back to Quantico. I fell asleep in the SUV: I blame exhaustion. I also blame exhaustion for me waking up screaming from a nightmare about the accident. Jen has to pull over because I couldn't stop panicking and screaming. She got out of the car and opened the back door; Spence turned around in his seat. I don't remember him moving, it must have been while I was asleep. Normally, I don't make any noise… well, no real noises, I can't consciously scream. Jen says sometimes I talk. I don't remember what I say afterward.
Jen fluttering around me isn't helping, neither is Spencer's staring. I just want to be anywhere besides stuck in a car on the edge of the service road. What if someone pulls over to check on us? My breathing is becoming more and more erratic. I know that Jen and Spence are there but all I can see is my daddy with blood covering his face and my mama is crying. I can hear her. I look down at my leg and I can see the bone sticking out my leg. It's not real, it's not real, it is not real! I think I'm going to be sick.
I could hear Jen calling my name, trying to get my attention. She was telling me that everything is going to be okay but I was trapped in my memories. I could hear my mama calling for my daddy. I think I'm going to be sick. Following the sound of Jen's voice, I wrenched myself out of the nightmare and I pushed Jen away from the door and threw up on the ground. I barely missed Jen's shoes.
After the panic attack, I was really embarrassed. I knew that the whole team saw me, or at least knew what was going on. But throwing up worked wonders, I was able to gain a semblance of control and we continued on our way. The trip back took longer than expected, what was supposed to be six hours long ended up being closer to nine. Aaron, Jason, Morgan and Penelope ended up continuing on ahead after my first panic attack. It would be easier to explain to Strauss why only two of her agents were missing rather than the whole team and their technical analyst. When we finally arrived around three, Jen checked me in as a visitor, and then she left me in her office with my schoolbooks to go check in with Aaron.
For the next week I stayed with Jen in her one bedroom apartment and we searched online for a two-bedroom apartment or condo. When a new case came up, I stayed with Penelope. In fact, the next case the team went on, Gideon underestimated the unsub and six agents were killed. It was horrible, and all over the news. I felt really bad for him and for the six agents who died. I didn't see Jason Gideon again until September.
We're lost 'til we learn how to ask
So please, please just ask.
- Snow Patrol, In The End