Chapter 14: The Death of Jem

Summer came home late from the show in fairly good spirits – albeit, concerned and a bit disappointed about Jerrica's no-show. And then she saw the flashing red and blue lights and the cops and paramedics milling around in front of Starlight Mansion.

"What the hell…?" she breathed. Once the car had stopped, she immediately jumped out and ran up the driveway towards the crowd, trying to learn what was going on; however, nothing anyone told her when she asked what was going on gave her any clues. All they said was that no-one was allowed inside the mansion yet – and after several unsuccessful attempts to find out what'd happened, Summer suddenly noticed Kimber talking to a paramedic.

"Kimber!" she shouted, running in her direction. "What's going on?!" When Kimber turned around, however, Summer stopped dead in her tracks, noticing that Kimber's eyes looked puffy from crying.

"Summer, thank God you're back!" Kimber cried, running the last little way to meet Summer and give her an unexpected hug. Confusedly returning the hug, Summer asked, "Kimber, what the hell happened here?"

"I got a call maybe a half-hour ago, a little more," Kimber explained, her voice breaking as she pulled away. "They said it was an emergency, so I came over here, and they said…" She cupped a hand over her mouth as she broke down crying again. "I don't know how to tell you this…"

"How to tell me what? Just say it, for God's sake!" Summer demanded, her heart racing.

"It's about Jerrica," Kimber sobbed. "I – Summer, I'm so sorry, she's…she's dead."

Summer's eyes widened as she froze. Time felt like it stood still and every other sound around her seemed to go quiet. "Dead?" she repeated in shock, feeling numb all over.

Just then, the paramedic Kimber had been talking to came over. "Sleeping pills," he explained to Summer, handing her the nearly-empty bottle they'd found. "It was too late by the time we got here. The cops think she deliberately overdosed."

Summer stared blankly down at the bottle in her hands, trying lamely to gather her thoughts together. Jerrica was dead? And on top of that, she'd committed suicide? No, this couldn't be real; this had to be a dream, Jerrica was still alive and well! Then she suddenly recalled what she'd told Jerrica about cancelling her upcoming tour to focus on college and writing new songs, when in reality, she'd wanted to stay with Jerrica to make sure she was okay…suppose she'd seen through Summer's lie?!

Just then, a cop came up behind Summer. "You're Summer Bowen, yes?" he asked her. When she nodded, he explained, "I just need to ask you a few questions." With that, he led Summer over to one of the police cars to ask her how long she'd known Jerrica, how much she knew about Jerrica's substance abuse habits, and if she knew anything about Jerrica's suicide plan. Summer answered all the questions very automatically, still trying to process everything.

When she was finally allowed to go back to where Kimber was waiting for her, the two of them went for a walk down the driveway. As they walked, only five words escaped Summer's lips: "This is all my fault."

Kimber turned to look at Summer, her face still tear-streaked. "What?"

"I lied to her," Summer explained; her voice was flat as she went on, "I told her my tour was cancelled so I could focus on song-writing and doing my college work, but it actually got cancelled because they wouldn't let me bring Jerrica on tour and I wouldn't go without her…the last thing I ever did was lie to her…"

"Hey, listen to me," Kimber interrupted, catching Summer by the shoulders. "It's not your fault, okay? It's not. The only person whose fault it was is Jerrica's, and that's it. No-one else. Trust me, Jerrica struggled with her demons for years – and as her sister, I know first-hand; it wasn't anyone's fault but hers."

Summer nodded, her response being as automatic as when she'd talked to the cop. As the two walked along the driveway, Kimber went on, "I remember when I was bringing Jerrica back from rehab, she talked about how music is basically just twelve notes between an octave: twelve notes and then it repeats over and over – but that what makes it music is how an artist sees those twelve notes." Her voice cracking again, Kimber added, "She said that she loved how you saw them; she told me, 'I love how the kid sees those notes, sis'."

Summer didn't respond, feeling too numb from shock to answer – also wishing that for once in her life, she could just cry, and yet still couldn't. She and Kimber finished the rest of their walk to the end of the driveway and back in total silence. A few minutes later, the cops and paramedics cleared out, and the two were able to go back into the mansion; Kimber was going to stay the night.

Once the two were inside, they sat in the living room talking about whatever they could come up with, not really knowing what else to do. After only a few minutes, however, Summer headed up to her room and, without even bothering to change into pyjamas, lay down on her bed to try and get some rest…but it was a long time before she actually fell asleep.

Summer woke up to an empty house the next morning after getting only a few hours' worth of sleep, still feeling as numb as the night before. When she sat up, the first thing she noticed was a note on her night-table from Kimber:

I let Aja, Shana, and Raya know about Jerrica's death last night, as well as the current Holograms. Aja's driving up here to LA today; the current band is coming over, too, and Shana and Raya are flying into LA this afternoon. Went to go pick them up at the airport – might be all day, I don't know. Back as soon as possible.

-Kimber

Summer didn't know when Kimber had written that message, but she didn't care. Putting the scrap of paper aside, she noticed something else on her night-table: an envelope with her name on it – in Jerrica's handwriting. Could this be the gift Jerrica had mentioned leaving for her? She'd completely forgotten about opening it last night.

Sitting down on the floor beside the bed, she opened the envelope, and could hardly believe the first thing she pulled out: the original pair of Synergy earrings, both pinned to a piece of card paper. They may have been obsolete technology by this point, but still – what an incredible keepsake to have. Reaching into the envelope again, Summer pulled out the other thing inside it: a letter from Jerrica that read…

To Summer:

By the time you get this after your show, I'll be dead. Sorry I wasn't there to perform with you tonight, kid – but I think it's probably best for everyone, and especially for you, if I'm not seen around with you anymore. You need to make something of yourself and not always just be known as "that girl who hangs out with a depressed alcoholic 80s popstar" and be worried about if I'm inadvertently gonna screw up your music career or not; there's also a ton of other stuff I've been struggling with, as you know, that I just can't keep doing. I want to apologize again, too, for any of the times where I got jealous and acted childish when your music career was getting really big. You sing and play music so beautifully and are so talented at writing songs that you really do deserve every bit of attention you get.

Before I go, I just want to give you a warning: this fame of yours isn't gonna last forever, kid, so enjoy it while it lasts. Every celebrity has their big time in the limelight, and then another generation eventually comes along and takes their place. When that happens, you'll still have a few loyal fans, but not many; that's the time when you'll find out who's been following you because you're popular and who's been following you because they really do love you. The stage isn't your true home; home is where you're welcomed and accepted, whereas the stage can randomly turn on you at any point.

That said, though, I wanted you to have the original Synergy earrings; they may not work anymore, but look after them for me – and feel free to use them as a good-luck charm. :P I've also made some arrangements in my will so that Starlight Mansion will legally belong to you and be your home from now on, although now that I'm gone, I also understand if you'd want to temporarily move back to San Diego to attend your college classes in-person again (I guess Ollie is now technically yours, too, ha-ha; take good care of him, I know how much he likes you).

Lastly, I just want to give you some more advice: never listen to what anybody else says, and don't do stuff just because it'll make you "popular". You have things you want to say and that people need to hear, kid, so always make your voice be heard and tell them your story; don't do anything you feel pressured into doing just because people want you to do it. Be true to yourself, keep chasing down your dreams and following your heart, and let people decide to love you or not for who you really are. Rock on, Summer – and be truly outrageous!

Love,

-Jerrica "Jem" Benton.

Summer's hands had been quivering slightly as she'd read the letter, and her eyes were starting to brim with tears. She felt like a dam was beginning to break inside her – but ironically, it wasn't memories of Jerrica that made it really start to crack.

Out of nowhere, memories that Summer had tried to repress for years suddenly came flooding back to her. They were memories of times when she should've been able to shed tears and yet hadn't, no matter how desperately she'd wanted to: memories of getting yelled at or slapped across the face when she tried to talk about her dreams with her family or had failed to live up to their expectations, other memories of the verbal and physical abuse she'd suffered, getting told over and over again that she'd never be good enough, being inappropriately touched by her older half-brother, the bullying she'd endured throughout all of school…

She remembered not eating enough food and then making herself throw up after she did eat anything, being told by doctors that she could die from how much she'd starved herself or from how much she'd overdosed, the time she'd spent in rehab, the countless times she'd deliberately cut herself; she remembered the days she'd found out that two of the boyfriends she'd had had been cheating on her, the physical abuse she'd suffered worse from another of her exes than she ever had from her family, being either pinned down or choked into submission by another two of her exes, waking up after being knocked out and learning that she'd been raped after the encounter with her last high-school boyfriend…

Summer had had a shitty childhood – that was something she'd always known. Looking back now, however, she realized she'd never really had a childhood at all.

As each memory came back to Summer for the next couple of minutes, they made her scream out loud, again and again, as if they were all happening to her for a second time. By now, the tears had spilled over and started coursing down her face – and as the last of the dam finally broke away, Summer collapsed onto the floor, sobbing so violently that she could hardly breathe. Honestly, even in the middle of her grief, it felt good to let it all out; Jerrica's suicide had been the last straw for her, and she couldn't keep all those years of pain bottled up inside anymore.

And yet, what made no sense was that in spite of it feeling good to let go, it also still hurt pretty badly at the same time.

Summer woke up on her bedroom floor about an hour later, having apparently cried herself to sleep (but maybe that was just as well, since she hadn't had much sleep the previous night). She propped herself up on one elbow, feeling sore and achy from laying on the floor for the last hour, and absentmindedly wiped her tear-stained face. As her brain came into focus, she remembered everything: coming home from the show feeling pretty happy and confident, seeing the flashing lights outside the mansion, learning about Jerrica's death, the numbness she'd felt all night long, the gift and letter from Jerrica, and the complete breakdown she'd had. And now, she just felt lost and hopeless.

Sighing heavily, Summer got to her feet and headed out of her room, still sniffling and her breath hitching a little; she needed a drink right about now. As she headed downstairs, she realized that Kimber still wasn't back yet, so she must not have left that note on Summer's night-table very long before the girl had first woken up. Just as well that Kimber was still at the airport; she wanted to be alone right now.

When Summer reached the kitchen, she found the hiding spot where she'd kept a couple bottles of booze (after the rest had been thrown away prior to Jerrica's return from rehab), and instantly got herself a glass and filled it up. Just before Summer could start to drink from it, however, she heard the doorbell – and figuring it was Kimber back from the airport, she set down the glass and went to answer it. To her surprise, Brett was at the door.

"Oh – hey," Summer said in surprise, suddenly aware of how awful she must've looked. "What's up? You wanna come in?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, alright." With that, Summer led him into the mansion and into the living room; she wasn't entirely sure how much Brett knew about her drinking habits, so she didn't want him seeing the glass of booze she'd poured herself in the kitchen.

Leaning awkwardly against the wall, Brett seemed lost for words. "I got a call from Mom and Dad earlier, they told me what happened," he explained. "They said Kimber had dropped by earlier to tell them, and I came over here not long after they called me."

Summer nodded, looking down at her lap. "How'd your parents take it?"

"They sounded pretty sad when they told me," Brett answered. "And of course, not long after they hung up, I saw it all over the news." He crossed his arms, thinking. "You must be feeling pretty upset right now."

"Yeah, I feel like shit," Summer admitted. "Honestly, I could use a hug right about now." Even though Summer usually didn't like letting guys touch her (with Latrell and Jason as the main exceptions), she didn't really care about that at the moment.

"Sure."

With that, Summer got up from the couch armrest she'd been sitting on, and Brett came over to give her a hug. She held on tightly to him, and he just wrapped his arms comfortingly around her and let her cry a little more. When Summer pulled herself together again, she stepped back and smiled weakly up at Brett. "Thanks, I needed that. And I'm sorry; you must be feeling pretty awful right now, too, I mean, you did know her longer than I ever did."

Brett shrugged as he sat down. "Alright, I'll admit I teared up a little when Mom and Dad told me. As I mentioned when she was in San Francisco, she was kinda like a second mom to me, y'know?"

"Yeah, I get it." Summer paused as she took her seat from before. "Personally, I had an absolute breakdown this morning over it."

Brett looked up in surprise. "Oh, God, really?"

"I just had so much childhood shit I'd been repressing for so long that I couldn't take it anymore and finally broke," Summer added as way of explanation. She paused, thinking. "Now that I think about it, she was kind of like a mom to me, too – but sorta like the only mom I ever had. I mean, I've never even met my real mom, and I don't consider my adoptive mom or any of my foster moms to even be honourable mentions." With a rueful laugh, Summer added, "Maybe she was kind of a fucked-up mom sometimes, but she treated me like a daughter nonetheless."

Brett looked down at the floor, not knowing what else to say. "Well, anyway…if you ever wanna talk, um…I'm here," he finally said.

"Thanks, I really appreciate that – and, uh, same here, I guess."

"So…what do you think is gonna happen to the Holograms?"

"I have a feeling they'll probably break up soon," Summer answered. "When Kimber and I were talking last night, she said she didn't think the band would stick around for long if none of the original members were in the band anymore – and I remember Jerrica saying the same thing to me one time when we were chatting on tour. Maybe they'll do a farewell tour with the original bandmembers in honour of Jerrica, I dunno, but that'll be it."

"Hmm. It's kinda sad to think about, but I guess it makes sense. So, what're you gonna do now that Jerrica's gone?"

Summer shrugged. "I'm making a plan. Jerrica said she'd left Starlight Mansion to me, but I'm thinking of moving back to San Diego for a while to finish college. I'll take Ollie with me and whatever, and I'm not gonna tell Devon right away that I'm leaving LA for a bit, either – although I'll still probably go back and forth between here and San Diego at least a little."

"Sounds like a plan." Getting to his feet, Brett added, "Anyway, I should probably get going. Just wanted to make sure you were okay and whatever."

Summer felt that weird somersault in her heart again as she thanked Brett and walked to the front door with him. As Summer watched him head out to his car from the porch, that feeling suddenly made her call out, "Hey, Brett!"

He turned around expectantly; Summer paused, not knowing what to say. "Um…you said you'd be around if I ever wanted to talk? Well…how about we talk tonight at Pepperoni's Corner Grill Pizzeria? Say…six o'clock?"

An odd look crossed Brett's face before he answered, "…Yeah – sure, that'll work. How about I pick you up around quarter to six?"

"Sounds good," Summer answered, her heart still fluttering a little. With that, Brett turned around and got into his car, and Summer watched him drive away.

Hmm. Maybe not all men were trash, after all.

Going back into the house, Summer headed straight to the kitchen, where she'd left her untouched glass, and carefully poured its contents back into the bottle. If she was going on what was basically a date tonight, she decided she'd better be sober.

With that done and the bottle put away, Summer headed back upstairs to take a long hot shower, which made her feel much better; when she came downstairs again, she had her song notebook, her phone and earbuds, and the sheet of lyrics Jerrica had scribbled down a few months before. After making herself a fresh fruit smoothie in the kitchen, she sat down in the living room with her drink and Jerrica's lyrics on the table, and one of her many "Jem and the Holograms faves" playlists playing through her earbuds, and began to write some new ideas in her notebook.