Companion piece to the 4th chapter of The head and the Heart.
Castle's POV
Web of Pain
Castle looks around the door frame into the break room, standing there for several seconds, listening to the sounds he's grown to love about the precinct. The sounds of phones ringing off the hooks, steam filtering from his espresso machine, and The detectives who sigh in annoyance at him. peering in at Esposito who's getting coffee, he looks out around behind him and then when he sees that Kate is not around, and everyone else is busy in the bullpen, he swiftly moves into the room and up to Esposito, invading most of his personal space.
There is that sigh from the detective. "Dude." Esposito turns his head towards Castle, backing away slightly while fixing himself a coffee. "If you want one you just have to ask." He says, handing him a cup.
"What?" Castle looks down at the hot cup of coffee in his hand and then back at the male Detective who's still looking at him funny. "No... Thanks..." Castle shakes his head. And frowns a little. "Have you seen Ka- Beckett?"
"I think she went to see Lanie. Why what's up?" Esposito turns towards him, holding his own cup.
"Does the precinct have an in- house Psychiatrist?" Castle asks in a low tone.
"Yeea" Esposito draws out the word with an raised eyebrow. "There's one on staff, he's on the lobby floor on the opposite end of the front desk..."
"Okay thanks." Castle turns to leave.
"I already went there Bro." Esposito says, Castle turns when he reaches the doorway. Esposito is standing with a smirk on his face knowingly.
"huh?" Castle asks like he has no idea what he's talking about.
"Ya. I already went down there and talked to the guy about Beckett." He says becoming serious.
"That's not. I." Castle sighs walking back into the break room.
Esposito places a brotherly hand on Castle's shoulder. "I'm concerned about her too you know. She's like a sister to me."
Castle nods.
"But go anyway." Esposito then says, walking around Castle and out into the bull pen.
Castle stands there holding his untouched coffee with a crease in his brow, thinking. He sees Kate walk by a few minutes later and shakes himself out of his stupor. Walking out he puts on his smile and take his seat at her desk.
"How's Lanie?" He asks giving her his coffee.
She looks up from her computer and smiles at him taking the cup. "Busy. She just got in a fresh body."
"Oh, do we have a case?"
"No, Natural death." Kate replies opening up a file to start some paperwork after sipping the offered coffee.
"Oh, in that case want to go for lunch later?" He checks his watch, it's only nine AM.
She doesn't look at him, her lips tight lipped before answering. "I can't today." She says, not offering anything else.
He cocks his head to one side curiously but doesn't ask questions. This gives him time to do what he needs to do. "I guess I'll get out of your hair then."
He stands up and her head snaps up from her paperwork, he notices for a brief moment that disappointment flashes across her face. "oh." She says softly.
Taking his jacket from his chair he drapes it over his shoulder and fixes her with a smile. "I have some writing to do, but I'll swing by later and bring you some sustenance."
She only smiles. That smile he loves so much. Takes everything in him not to sit back down and keep her company while she does her paperwork. "See you later then." She says, still smiling.
"Till then, my dear detective." He bows comically and turns towards the elevator. Once inside he leans back against the door with a long sigh, wiping a hand over his tired face. Again his brow furrows. Something he can't control these days unless he's around Kate, But he's just felt so...he doesn't know. For a writer he has no words for how he's been feeling these days. Everything is so jumbled and conflicting.
The elevator dings, and he jumps a little before exiting. He spots the front desks by the entrance doors and then turns his gaze down the opposite end. There is a single door down a hall with a few chairs outside it. He takes a deep breath, bringing a hand over his hair and makes his way to the door. He stands outside it, seeing the light on the wall signaling green. The psychiatrist is available. He raises a hand, and knocks.
"Come in." he hears a male voice. So he opens the door. "Ah, Mr. Castle." The psychiatrist greets from his desk. He stands up. "Please come in." He gestures towards a chair.
Castle walks in slowly and looks down at the chair – Wondering how many times Kate has sat here and possibly spilled out her feelings. But he doesn't sit. And he can't quite picture his Kate being open to a complete stranger...Although he guesses it's much easier that way.
"I wondered when I'd see you in here." The other man says, he sits in his own chair and regards the writer knowingly. "Although, I doubt this visit is for research."
"Uh, no." Castle offers, still staring at the empty chair offered. "I just wanted to let you know -"
The Psychiatrist holds up a hand. "Your friend has already been by here this week expressing his concerns about Detective Beckett." He says.
Castle nods. "I'm just worried about her." He says looking at the other man now.
"I understand, we can talk about it if you like, I don't have another appointment till this afternoon." He offers gesturing towards the empty chair again.
Castle hesitates, and then takes a seat, running both hands over the armrest, wondering how Kate was feeling when she sat in this chair before she was cleared for active duty. Not knowing that she will be in it again this afternoon. Several moments tick by in silence where Castle seems to be very invested in observing the fabric of the chair, the was his hand lays on it. All the while is face is fixed in a serious expression and he's completely still.
"Are you alright Mr. Castle?" The Psychiatrist asks the obviously disturbed writer across from him.
Castle looks up, not realizing he's been zoned out. "I don't think so." He confesses.
"This is an open space. You can talk freely here, about your concerns about Detective Beckett or about yourself." The psychiatrist expresses in a way that makes Castle more comfortable. "But know, that I cannot under any circumstances inform you about her times here, as much as this "He gestures between them. "is also confidential."
He nods in understanding and then sighs in relief sagging into the chair with a worried expression. "I don't know where to start." He says honestly.
"Anywhere is fine."
"I'm worried about her all the time. Even when she's standing next to me." Castle begins. "She seems okay while I'm with her, but sometimes I see this sad look in her eyes..." He trails off. Haunted by those eyes that he can see right into. Those eyes that show him that she might also be haunted, regardless of her happy demeanor lately. He knows most of it's just an act. Of course, Castle mistakes most of that sadness with the longing she hides for him. "And I feel guilty." He says.
"About what?"
"Everything, for digging into her mothers case when she told me not to, for almost getting her killed, for lying to her."
"You lied to her?" The Psychiatrist asks intrigued. Knowing that Kate also has something to be guilty for.
Castle leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him. "I asked her to stop with her mother's case for now. That there are no leads anyway...But there are..." He trails off and looks at his hands. "I was told to keep her off the case, or they will kill her."
The man across from him raises his eyebrows.
"I told her I love her..." Castle stares at the psychiatrist. "I told her right after she was shot. I felt like it was my last chance. And then when I went to see her in the hospital, she told me she didn't remember anything about the shooting." He sounds wrecked.
Of course the psychiatrist knows all this, and only nods his head in response. He can see that Castle is battling with himself and urges him forward with another nods of his head.
"When she finally came back after those three months...She told me that she couldn't have the kind of relationship she wants until her walls come down."
"And you want a relationship with her." The psychiatrist observes.
"I do...And I know how to get that for her...and yet...I told her to stop."
"That's quite the sacrifice."
Again a grim nod. "I am looking into it for her. But she doesn't know...I'm becoming just as obsessed with it as she gets... I can't help myself. I need to know. I need to do this for her." He brings both hands into fists.
The Psychiatrist regards Castle for several long moments. Seeing how much this man cares for the female detective, and how much he has sacrificed his own integrity and mental health for her well being. He can see that the two of them share the same feelings, as well as the same pain. The two seem to be weaved in a identical web of trauma, resulting in both suffering from PTSD. What he sees in front of him is a man who knows what he wants, and is willing to give up his own ultimate happiness and settle for whats good enough for now, Which is making sure the love of his life stays safe, even if she's can't give him her whole heart. It's what the great loves stories are made of, and he can only hope, that these two can rise above it, and beat those odds.
A/N: I was given a Castle goes to Therapy Idea. And Really didn't know what to say about it. So I did this as an in between. As in Castle comes here before Kate does later that afternoon, which is written in chapter 4 of The head and the heart. I pretty much just wanted to show that Castle may be suffering from the same thing. I mean, he has his own murder board in his office. And the look of utter determination on his face that episode was intense. I have a feeling he sits in front of it for hours on end every night.
This will not continue. Only with Kate in the other story Thanks for ready. Reviews are my Favorite!