GLEE
"THAT'S SO PORTMANTEAU!"
by theGryfter
ACT 1, SCENE 1
INT.WILLIAMMCKINLEYHIGH,HALLWAY
IF SMURFS HAD SNOWCONES - AND WHO ARE WE TO BELIEVE THAT THEY DON'T? - THEY'D LOOK LIKE JACOB BEN ISRAEL'S JBI-MONOGRAMMED MICROPHONE. MINUS THE MONOGRAM, OF COURSE. THAT'S JUST STUPID. THE THING'S SO BLUE, DR PHIL'S CONSIDERING A SERIES ON IT.
WE COME IN ON JBI'S POCKMARKED, PERMANENTLY BEFUDDLED FACE. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO ACCOMMODATE THE JEW-FRO.
JACOB BEN ISRAEL
You heard it here first, kids!
(BEAT)
They say a lie can run around the world before the truth has got it's boots on, but we can now confirm that-
CAMERA GUY
Er... what?
JBI GLARES AT THE SCREEN, CLEARLY PISSED:
JACOB BEN ISRAEL
(SCREECHING)
What did I tell you about interrupting me?
CAMERA GUY
That doesn't make any sense.
JACOB BEN ISRAEL
What?
CAMERA GUY
That truth wearing shoes thing.
JACOB BEN ISRAEL
It's just a-
(PAUSE, FIGHTING FOR CALM)
It's just an expression.
CAMERA GUY
What does it mean?
JACOB BEN ISRAEL
We don't have time for this.
CAMERA GUY
I'm just asking.
(BEAT)
I don't get it.
JACOB BEN ISRAEL
My loyal audience will.
CAMERA GUY
Who? Your mom?
JACOB BEN ISRAEL
Gimme that!
JBI LUNGES AT THE SCREEN, GIVING US A FAR TOO EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF A NOSE SO JEWISH IT PROVOKES SPONTANEOUS NAZISM.
THERE'S A SCREECH, A SCUFFLE, A BANG AND A CLATTER. CAMERA COMES TO REST ON IT'S SIDE, POINTED DOWN HALLWAY, SHOWING US LEGS OF DISINTERESTED STUDENTS MAKING THEIR WAY TO CLASS. CAMERA GUY SHOVES THROUGH THE PRESS IN A TIFF.
CAMERA SHUDDERS AGAIN AS IT'S PICKED UP, SWINGS ROUND, AND AGAIN WE SEE JBI'S FACE FILLING THE SCREEN.
FROM THE ANGLE WE CAN TELL HE WAS SHOVED OVER, AND NOW SITS WITH HIS BACK AGAINST THE LOCKERS.
JACOB BEN ISRAEL (cont'd)
Now, before we were so rudely interrupted, I was about to break the big scoop… For the past couple of weeks McKinley High has been absolutely abuzz with news of the impending nuptials of the clean-cut boy next door, Finn Hudson, and the beautiful, talented, sultry… exquisite… er…
HE TRAILS OFF, HIS MIND DRIFTING TO HIS SPECIAL PLACE. AFTER A BEAT, HE MANAGES TO SHAKE HIMSELF BACK TO REALITY.
JACOB BEN ISRAEL (cont'd)
Um… what was I-?
(BEAT)
Oh, yes, the wedding of Finn and Rachel. Granted, he isn't Jewish, so it's a complete betrayal of the tribe, but who am I - Jacob Ben Israel - to question Miss Berry's judgement on this one? Even the Glee Club's surprising win at Regionals has taken a backseat in the Twitterverse to tidbits about Rachel's dress, and her choice of stylist, and her bouquet…
ONCE MORE, HE TRAILS OFF. BUT THIS TIME, ONLY TO EXECUTE A SLOW, DRAMATIC PUSH IN WITH THE CAMERA. HE OVER-EXECUTES AND BASHES HIMSELF IN THE HEAD.
JACOB BEN ISRAEL (cont'd)
Ow!
(BEAT, SO DRAMATIC)
Until now.
(BEAT)
Because I can exclusively reveal that a spanner has been thrown into the works. It all started at Rachel's bachelorette party. Now, I wasn't there because the tickets Santana Lopez sold me for five hundred dollars turned out to be fake, but I have trustworthy sources who were in attendance that saw it all go down. And they're all in one voice. The long-awaited Finchel wedding may not be happening! Because Rachel's heart belongs to another. What was once an obscure sect on the fringes of the JBI blogosphere can now take centre stage!
(BEAT )
There was a kiss, ladies and gentlemen! With tongue! That's right… step forward, those who called it.
(BEAT)
From this historic day on, we usher in the time of… Faberry!
HIS GRIN IS SO MANIC.
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