ACT 2, SCENE 7
EXT. HUMMEL RESIDENCE
THAT NIGHT.
RACHEL PULLS UP TO THE KERB IN HER SHOCKING PINK VW BEETLE. THE RADIO'S BLASTING BEYONCE'S 'ALL THE SINGLE LADIES' AND SHE'S HUMMING ALONG.
SHE GETS THE FRIGHT OF HER LIFE WHEN HEADLIGHTS SUDDENLY FILL THE INTERIOR OF THE CAR AND SHE HEARS THE SQUEAL OF BRAKING TYRES.
SHE JUMPS OUT, SWINGS ROUND IN ANGER TO GLARE AT PUCK'S SUV, PARKED REALLY CLOSE IN BEHIND HER. PUCK'S DRIVING, AND RORY, MIKE AND SAM ARE IN THE BACK SEAT. BEHIND THEM,MOVING AT A MORE SEDATE PACE, BLAINE PULLS UP IN HIS LITTLE FORD, WITH ARTIE RIDING SHOTGUN.
RACHEL STOMPS OVER TO PUCK'S WINDOW.
RACHEL
What the hell do you think you're doing?
PUCK IGNORES HER, LEANS ON THE HORN, AND CALLS OUT THE WINDOW.
PUCK
Finn! Finn, come on! Let's go!
RACHEL
Hey! I'm talking to you!
PUCK
And I'm not listening. See how this works?
RACHEL ACTUALLY GROWLS AT HIM. FURTHER FIGHTING IS SPARED AS KURT AND FINN COME OUT THE HOUSE AND PROCEED DOWN THE DRIVEWAY.
RACHEL
Where are you going anyway?
SAM
Pins and Needles.
RACHEL
The bowling alley?
PUCK
Hey, you've got a boring boyfriend. What do you want from us?
RACHEL
Fiance'!
FINN (O.S.)
And don't you forget it.
(COMES UP, GIVES RACHEL A KISS)
Hey, sweetie.
KURT
(TO RACHEL)
Ready to go?
RACHEL
(NODS)
You guys have fun!
SAM
But not too much fun, right?
MIKE
That would be against The Rules!
RACHEL
You guys are spending way too much time with Puckerman.
FINN
Call me when you get home, okay?
RACHEL
And you call me.
FINN
I will.
THEY LEAN IN FOR ANOTHER SLOW KISS, WHEN:
PUCK
Oh, for crying out-
HE LEANS ON THE HORN AGAIN, AND RACHEL AND FINN ARE BLARED APART.
WITH ONE LAST CONTEMPTUOUS GLARE AT PUCKERMAN, RACHEL CLIMBS INTO HER CAR, FOLLOWED BY KURT. FINN HOPS INTO THE SUV.
MIKE
Alright!
RORY
Let's get this party started!
THEY TAKE OFF IN A SQUEAL OF TYRES.
CUT TO:
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.
ACT 2, SCENE 8
INT. FABRAY RESIDENCE
QUINN, MERCEDES, SANTANA, BRITTANY, TINA AND SUGAR (ALL IN THEIR PYJAMAS) HAVE SETTLED IN THE LIVING ROOM, GETTING THE PARTY STARTED EARLY. THEY'VE MOVED ALL THE FURNITURE AGAINST THE WALLS, AND PUT A MASS OF PILLOWS AND BLANKETS ON THE FLOOR, TURNING THE ROOM INTO A GIANT MATTRESS, PERFECT FOR LOUNGING. HORS'DEURVES AND FLUTES OF CHAMPAGNE ARE PASSED ROUND. SUGAR TAKES A LONG SIP, THEN HICCUPS.
SANTANA
Oh, Sugar...
(SINGS)
Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee,
Lousy with virginity...
QUINN
No, no, no!
SANTANA
What?
QUINN
I'm placing a blanket moratorium on all
numbers from Grease!
SANTANA
You're no fun.
QUINN SMIRKS. BRITTANY TUGS AT HEM OF HER PYJAMAS.
BRITTANY
I love jammies. They're like the Care Bears of clothing.
NOBODY EVEN BLINKS - THAT'S JUST TOO BRITTANY.
QUINN
Okay, I got one.
TINA
Most embarrassing moment?
QUINN
Uh huh.
(DRAMATIC PAUSE)
Once... I walked in on Miss Sylvester in the shower.
SUGAR
EEEK!
MERCEDES
No!
SANTANA
What did you do?
QUINN
Truth?
(THE GIRLS ALL NOD, EAGERLY)
At first, I didn't know what to do coz I thought - Hey, there's a guy in the girl's showers!
THE GIRLS JUST ABOUT FALL OVER THEMSELVES CACKLING AT THIS.
MERCEDES
So underneath the tracksuits and the temperament of a bulldozer...?
QUINN
The body of a fifteen year old boy!
MORE DELIGHTED CACKLING. THE DOORBELL RINGS.
QUINN GETS UP TO GO ANSWER, THE HEM OF HER NIGHTGOWN RIDING UP HER BARE, SILKY SMOOTH LEGS. SANTANA EYES HER WITH BARELY- DISGUISED ADMIRATION.
SANTANA
Q, hope you don't mind me saying... but you are really wearing that nightie.
QUINN JUST WINKS AT HER AS SHE LEAVE THE ROOM, AND SANTANA STARTS FANNING HERSELF.
BRITTANY
(PUZZLED)
What do you mean? Of course she's really wearing it.
SANTANA
Nothing, hon.
SHE GIVES BRITTANY A FOND CHUCK ON THE CHIN.
WE FOLLOW QUINN OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM, DOWN A SMALL HALLWAY, TO THE ENTRANCE HALL. JUST AS SHE GETS THERE, THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN.
QUINN
Yeah, yeah...
(OPENS DOOR)
Keep your shirt on.
KURT AND RACHEL ARE STANDING ON THE PORCH. RACHEL FINDS HERSELF, QUITE INVOLUNTARILY, GIVING QUINN A LOOK SIMILAR TO THE ONE SANTANA JUST GAVE HER. KURT'S EYES FLARE.
KURT
Well, well... I see attire for the evening is entirely optional.
QUINN
Didn't anyone tell you it's a pyjama party?
KURT
No.
RACHEL HOLDS UP A SMALL OVERNIGHT BAG TO SHOW SHE GOT THE MESSAGE.
QUINN
Come in.
KURT
(AS HE AND RACHEL FOLLOW QUINN INSIDE)
What am I going to do now?
QUINN
Well, you could always borrow something of mine.
KURT STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. QUINN AND RACHEL TURN TO LOOK AT HIM.
KURT
Interesting...
QUINN
(LAUGHS)
My bedroom's upstairs. I'll show you in a minute.
SHE SETS OFF AGAIN. THEY FOLLOW.
RACHEL
Thanks for playing hostess tonight, Quinn. I really appreciate it.
QUINN
Believe it or not, Rachel, it's actually my pleasure.
THEY SHARE A SMALL, PRIVATE SMILE. ONE THAT DOESN'T GO UNNOTICED BY KURT.
THE THREE EMERGE INTO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE THEY'RE GREETED ENTHUSIASTICALLY BY THE REST OF THE GIRLS.
BRITTANY
Kurt, is that what you sleep in? You look like John Travolta before he got fat!
THEY ALL CHECK OUT KURT'S OUTFIT AND, SURE ENOUGH, THE WHITE SLACKS AND FLARED SPORT COAT DO GIVE HIM A TRAVOLTAESQUE LOOK.
KURT
No...
(SIGNIFICANT GLANCE AT SANTANA)
Someone didn't tell me this was a pyjama party.
SANTANA
(SO SARCASTIC)
Oh, riiiight... I knew I forgot something.
KURT GLARES AT HER, AND SHE MERELY LAUGHS.
QUINN
(TAKES HIS HAND)
Come on. We need to make you a little less Saturday Night Fever and a little more Babysitter's Club.
KURT
Whoa, obscure reference alert.
QUINN JUST TUTS AT HIM AND LEADS HIM OUT OF THE ROOM. RACHEL CALLS AFTER THEM.
RACHEL
Where's the bathroom? I need to change too.
QUINN
Down that hall, first door on the right.
SUGAR
Hurry back so we can get started. I brought games.
SANTANA
Games? What are we? Twelve?
SUGAR
Games are fun.
SANTANA
Games are not fun.
BRITTANY
I like games. Remember when we played hide
the banana, and-?
SANTANA
(VERY QUICK)
O-kay, so I guess we're playing Sugar's games.
THE OTHERS BURST INTO LAUGHTER. OUT ON PUZZLED BRITTANY:
BRITTANY
What?
CUT TO:
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ACT 2, SCENE 9
EXT. DOWNTOWN LIMA, ALLEY
THE GANG FOLLOW PUCK DOWN A DINGY ALLEYWAY. THEY'RE NOT PARTICULARLY HAPPY - ESPECIALLY:
FINN
Forget the fact that I told you I didn't want to do this - it isn't going to work.
PUCK
Shut up! It totally will.
ARTIE
I don't think so.
PUCK
Oh, ye of little faith.
THEY STOP AT THE MOUTH OF AN ADJOINING ALLEY. THIS ONE'S BETTER LIT, BY A HUGE NEON SIGN ABOVE A DOORWAY AT THE FAR END, SCREAMING: 'LIVE, LIVE NUDE GIRLS!'. THE DOOR ITSELF IS GUARDED BY A MASSIVE BOUNCER - THE LITERAL CERBERUS AT THE THRESHOLD.
BLAINE
Well, that's encouraging.
SAM
What?
BLAINE
The girls aren't just live, they're live live!
SAM
Also, nude.
MIKE
Can't place enough emphasis on that.
PUCK
Follow me.
HE HEADS OFF DOWN THE ALLEY. THE OTHERS FOLLOW, WITH FINN STILL GRUMBLING.
FINN
This isn't going to work.
PUCK
Shut up! It'll work!
THEY REACH THE BOUNCER, WHO JUST GLARES DOWN AT THEM. EVEN FINN HAS TO LOOK UP TO HIM.
BOUNCER
IDs.
PUCK
Hey there... howzit goin'?
BOUNCER
IDs.
PUCK
Yeah, see that could be a bit of a problem. We just decided to do this last minute, and we don't have ID. But I could
tell you my name.
(HOLDS UP A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL)
It's Ben Franklin.
THE BOUNCER PLUCKS THE MONEY OUT OF HIS HAND. PUCK TURNS TO THE GROUP WITH A TRIUMPHANT GRIN.
PUCK (cont'd)
What did I tell ya?
RORY
Awesome.
PUCK MAKES TO STEP PAST THE BOUNCER, BUT THE MAN PUTS A HAND THE SIZE OF A DINNER PLATE ON HIS CHEST.
BOUNCER
IDs.
PUCK
What?
BOUNCER
You heard me, Mr. T.
PUCK
But... you took my money.
BOUNCER
And the Greater Ohio Doorman's Society appreciates the donation.
BLAINE
(FROWNING)
G.O.D.S?
PUCK
Screw that, bro! If you're not gonna let us in, gimme my money back!
BOUNCER
No.
PUCK
You think coz you mainline steroids like some muscle junkie you can just do what you want?
BOUNCER
That's been my experience so far.
PUCK
We can take you, y'know?
THE BOUNCER LOOKS AT EACH OF THEM IN TURN, THEN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. IT'S DEEP, AND FULL OF... WELL... GLEE. IN THE FACE OF HIS LAUGHTER, A FUMING PUCK LEADS THE GROUP AWAY.
PUCK (cont'd)
He's got nuts like raisinettes and he's laughing at us?
FINN
Told you it wasn't going to work.
PUCK
Shut up!
CUT TO:
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EXT.THE KITTY-KAT KLUB
DIFFERENT CLUB, DIFFERENT BOUNCER. AND A SMIRKING PUCK, HOLDING UP A FIFTY DOLLAR BILL, SAYING:
PUCK
'Sup? I'm Ulysses S. Grant.
BOUNCER SHAKES HIS HEAD.
CUT TO:
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EXT. THE POLE PALACE
HOLDING UP A TWENTY:
PUCK
Andrew Jackson. Nice to meet ya.
BOUNCER SHAKES HIS HEAD, AND:
CUT TO:
EXT.CHAMPAGNE BOOM-BOOM
ANOTHER BOUNCER. THIS TIME, HOLDING UP A TEN.
PUCK
Alexander Hamilton?
SAM
(POPS UP BESIDE HIM WITH A FIVE)
And I'm his friend, Abe Lincoln.
AGAIN, BOUNCER JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE TITTY TWISTER
THIS TIME THE ENTIRE GROUP IS ARRAYED IN FRONT OF A MUCH MORE INTERESTED-LOOKING BOUNCER - LIKE A GROUP OF CAROLERS. THE BOUNCER'S DOING A CHIRPY JIG AS THEY SERENADE HIM.
GROUP
Well, I've got a-lovely bunch o' coconuts...
RORY
Doodle-e-doo...
GROUP
There they are a sittin' in a row!
FINN
Big ones!
BLAINE
Small ones!
PUCK
Some as big as your head!
THEY FINISH WITH JAZZ HANDS. THE BOUNCER APPLAUDS.
BOUNCER
Guys, that was really great!
PUCK
Awesome. Can we go in?
BOUNCER
No.
OUT ON PUCK'S FACE - LOOKING LIKE HE MIGHT JUST KILL SOMEBODY.
SECOND AD BREAK:
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