ACT 3, SCENE 14
INT. FABRAY RESIDENCE
THE GIRLS HAVE PROGRESSED BEYOND JUST CHAMPAGNE, AND ARE NOW DRINKING SCHNAPPS STRAIGHT OUT THE BOTTLE. SANTANA TAKES A SIP, MAKES TO PASS IT TO KURT, BUT:
RACHEL
Hey! Gimme, gimme!
QUINN
Easy, tiger. You're well on your way already.
RACHEL
So? It's my party and I'll puke if I want to!
TAKES A BIG SLUG OF SCHNAPPS.
QUINN
Fair point.
MERCEDES
Who's turn is it?
TINA
Mine.
SANTANA
Go.
TINA
Okay, um... Kurt. Truth or dare?
KURT
Sigh.
(BEAT)
Truth.
BRITTANY
Did you just say sigh?
TINA
Have you and Blaine done it yet?
KURT
Done what?
MERCEDES
Don't pull that crap with us, Sunshine! Have you done it yet?
KURT
No.
MERCEDES
Liar!
SUGAR
Do you want to?
KURT
I already answered my question.
SUGAR
Oh, come on!
RACHEL
Doesn't matter. The answer's obvious. Of course he does.
KURT
I'm that transparent?
RACHEL
You're in love.
BRITTANY
Have you slept with Finn?
RACHEL
It's not my turn.
KURT
No, it's mine.
(BEAT)
Rachel, truth or dare.
RACHEL
Dare.
KURT
Gasp! Why don't you wanna answer the question?
BRITTANY
(TO SANTANA)
Did you hear that? He said gasp again!
RACHEL
I chose dare! And that's my right as a democratically drunk person!
KURT
Fine. I dare you to strip to your underwear for the rest of the evening.
RACHEL
WHAT?
KURT
I'm sorry, Rachel, but your PJs offend me.
RACHEL'S DRESSED IN LONGS: THEY'RE PINK, WITH LITTLE WHITE BUNNIES.
RACHEL
And yours offend God and nature!
KURT SMIRKS. HE'S WEARING A TIGHT LITTLE SHORTS AND A HALF-TOP BELONGING TO QUINN, THAT JUST BARELY REACHES HIS MIDRIFF.
SANTANA
Come on, you got your dare! Now let us inspect the goods!
TINA'S BUSY DRINKING FROM THE SCHNAPPS, SPILLS SOME WHEN RACHEL GRABS THE BOTTLE OUT OF HER HAND AND DOWNS SOME.
TINA
Hey!
RACHEL
Okay...
RACHEL STANDS UP, BUT BRITTANY JUMPS TO HER FEET AT THE SAME TIME.
BRITTANY
Wait, we need music for this!
RACHEL
No, we do not!
SANTANA
You said the guys couldn't have strippers. You didn't say anything to us.
BRITTANY GRABS QUINN'S IPOD FROM WHERE IT'S PLUGGED INTO THE STEREO. SHE QUICKLY SCROLLS THROUGH THE SONG SELECTION, AND FINDS SOMETHING SHE LIKES.
STEREO
Ah, dirrty (dirrty)
Filthy (filthy)
Nasty, you nasty (yeah)
SANTANA
(YELLS)
Too dirrty to clean my act up!
MERCEDES
If you ain't dirrty,
RACHEL
You ain't here to paaaarty!
SUGAR
Woo!
AS THE SONG CARRIES ON, MUCH TO THE LAUGHTER AND CHEERING OF THE GIRLS, RACHEL GETS INTO IT, STARTS GYRATING AND GRINDING. KURT DOES THE WHOOP-WHOOP THING.
RACHEL APPROACHES QUINN, HOLDS OUT HER LEGS ONE BY ONE AND LETS QUINN PULL HER BOTTOMS OFF - REVEALING SURPRISINGLY LACY RED UNDERWEAR - SINGING ALL THE WHILE:
RACHEL
Ooh, I'm overdue, gimme some room, comin'
through, paid my dues, in the mood,
Me and my girls gonna shake the room!
GIRLS
Yeah!
RACHEL
DJs spinnin'!
TINA
Show your hands!
RACHEL
Let's get dirrty!
BRITTANY
That's my jam!
RACHEL SPINS ROUND, SO HER BACK IS TO QUINN. SHE HOLDS HER ARMS OUT, LETS QUINN SLIDE THE TOP OFF - REVEALING A MATCHING BRA, AS SHE SINGS:
RACHEL
I need that, uh, to get me off...
QUINN & RACHEL
Sweat until my clothes come off.
QUINN AND RACHEL COLLAPSE INTO A SQUEALING HEAP OF LAUGHTER AS SUGAR LEADS THE DELIGHTED APPLAUSE.
KURT
Well, that was... something.
RACHEL
(CHEEKILY RUNS A FINGER UP QUINN'S LEG)
What can I say? Too much time with Santana and Brittany.
QUINN
Yup. Lesbianism's contagious!
SANTANA
You're welcome.
KURT CHUCKS A PILLOW AT THEM.
KURT
Stop it!
RACHEL AND QUINN JUST LAUGH, BUT SEPARATE.
MERCEDES
Okay, who's turn is it?
SUGAR
No, no, no! I got another game!
BRITTANY
What is it?
SUGAR DIGS A BOX OUT OF HER VOLUMINOUS HANDBAG. IT'S DECORATED WITH LOTS OF LITTLE MUSICAL NOTES.
SUGAR
You guys are gonna love it! It's called Duets!
KURT
Quinn and Rachel, cut it out!
THEY ALL TURN TO QUINN AND RACHEL WHO, BOTH QUITE DRUNK, ARE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE BY LINKING THEIR ARMS AND TILTING THE GLASSES BACK IN THE TRADITIONAL LOVERS' TOAST.
TINA
You realise that if the guys could see you now, you'd drop every single one of them stone dead!
MERCEDES
With smiles on their faces.
BRITTANY
I wonder what they're doing?
WELL...
CUT TO:
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ACT 3, SCENE 15
EXT.WILLIAM MCKINLEY HIGH, BLEACHERS
THE GUYS ARE BACK ON THE BLEACHERS. THEY MAY NOT HAVE GOTTEN INTO A STRIP CLUB, BUT THEY HAVE MANAGED TO SECURE A COUPLE OF KEGS AND ARE NOW QUITE MELLOW AS THEY SIP THEIR BEERS.
FINN
(TO PUCK)
See, dude, this woulda been cool all along. We don't need naked chicks to have a good time.
THE GUYS STARE AT HIM.
BLAINE
That's too gay, even for me.
MIKE
What are you more nervous about? Nationals, or the wedding?
FINN
We got nothing to worry about at Nationals. We're gonna kick ass!
PUCK
Unless you screw it up again.
FINN
If you want me to regret the kiss in New York, I'm not gonna. I got a wife out of it.
RORY
Wait, what happened in New York?
SAM
Finn and Rachel did a duet for the final number, and at the end they kinda... lost control.
FINN
I kissed her.
RORY
In the middle of a performance?
FINN
Yeah.
RORY
That's... that's so... romantic.
ARTIE
Dude, are you crying?
RORY
(SNIFF)
No.
PUCK
One of these days, I gotta hang out with some dudes.
FINN
Oh, I forgot to ask - I really want all you guys to be ushers at the wedding.
ARTIE
Serious?
MIKE
That would be an honour.
SAM
What do ushers do, exactly?
FINN
I dunno.
(BEAT)
Ush, I guess.
PUCK
You're crazy, you know that?
FINN
You don't wanna be an usher?
PUCK
No, I mean you're crazy for getting married!
(BEAT)
Think about it... Waking up next to the same woman every-single-day... until you find the sweet release of death.
FINN
Thanks for the pick-me-up, buddy. Appreciate it.
BLAINE
(TO PUCK)
You never wanna get married?
PUCK
Do you?
BLAINE
Of course.
PUCK
Good luck with that.
BLAINE
You must have thought about it.
PUCK
Once.
(BEAT)
Maybe.
SAM
With who?
PUCK
Quinn.
ARTIE
Really?
PUCK
That day in the hospital when she had Beth...
(LONG, CONTEMPLATIVE PAUSE)
I never saw anything so beautiful as Quinn in that bed holding our baby girl. I never thought I'd ever call a girl perfect, but Quinn... right there in that moment... close to perfect as you get.
RORY
(WIPES HIS EYES)
Okay, seriously, you guys have to stop!
THEY GRIN AT HIM.
MIKE
Why didn't it work with you guys?
FINN
Do not say me, dude. It wasn't me.
SAM
No, you're the reason Quinn and I didn't work out.
PUCK
Relax, it wasn't you.
(BEAT)
Quinn is-
(BEAT)
I dunno. It's like she's not... finished.
ARTIE
What do you mean?
PUCK
Like there was always something missing, y'know? I always figured that in any hook-up, I'm gonna be the one who's not all there. But not with Quinn.
(TO SAM AND FINN)
You guys know what I'm talking about?
SAM
Yeah.
FINN
Kind of.
SAM
Like she's going through the motions. Acting the way she thinks a girlfriend's supposed to act.
MIKE
Really? That's kinda-
ARTIE
Sad.
PUCK
(SHRUGS)
Whatever. All I know is she's a great mom, and she's smokin' hot!
(BEAT)
Good enough for me.
BLAINE
Okay, this conversation just took a turn for the serious.
FINN SUDDENLY SWAYS TO HIS RIGHT, AND LETS OUT A MIGHTY FART. THE OTHERS BURST OUT LAUGHING.
BLAINE (cont'd)
And, now we're back...
PULL BACK TO A LONG-SHOT OF THE STANDS, AS THEY SIP THEIR BEERS, AND TALK INTO THE NIGHT.
CUT TO:
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.
.
ACT 3, SCENE 16
INT. FABRAY RESIDENCE
WE COME IN ON TINA AND KURT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR DUET. THEY'RE PERCHED PRECARIOUSLY ON THE COUCH, USING A BLANKET TO RECREATE THE MAGIC CARPET RIDE FROM ALADDIN.
TINA
Unbelievable sights, indescribable feeling.
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling,
Through an endless diamond sky.
A whole new world...
KURT
Don't you dare close your eyes.
TINA
A hundred thousand things to see...
KURT
Hold your breath, it gets better.
TINA
I'm like a shooting star.
I've come so far,
I can't go back to where I used to be.
KURT
A whole new world...
TINA
Every turn a surprise...
KURT
With new horizons to pursue.
TINA
Every moment red-letter.
KURT & TINA
I'll chase them anywhere,
There's time to spare,
Let me share this whole new world... with you...
THE GIRLS APPLAUD. SOME TRY, AND MISS. IT'S CLEAR, THE ALCOHOL HAS NOT STOPPED FLOWING.
SANTANA
I love that song!
BRITTANY
I tried to rub a lamp to find a genie once. Turns out it was my grandma's funeral urn.
(BEAT)
I thought she was talcum powder.
SUGAR
Okay, next up...
(SCRUMMAGES AROUND IN ONE OF QUINN'S UPTURNED BERETS)
It's...
(PRODUCES A PIECE OF PAPER)
Rachel, and...
(PRODUCES ANOTHER)
Quinn!
QUINN
(STANDS)
Mercedes, which song?
RACHEL
(ALMOST PRAYING)
TellHim, by Barbra and Celine... Tell Him, by Barbra and Celine... TellHim, by Barbra and Celine...
SUGAR
I don't think we have that.
RACHEL
GASP! You said you had Barbra! That's the only reason I agreed to play!
BRITTANY
Now yousaid gasp. Is that, like, a thing now?
MERCEDES
You sing whatever song is next on the CD.
MERCEDES PUSHES PLAY. A GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR COMES IN. MERCEDES HITS PAUSE, AS RACHEL GETS TO HER FEET, AND JOINS QUINN IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM.
MERCEDES (cont'd)
What's that?
SANTANA
Something Stupid.
MERCEDES
Sounds like it.
SANTANA
That's the name of the song. Robbie Williams.
SUGAR
And Nicole Kidman.
MERCEDES
Ah... white people music.
RACHEL
I beg your pardon, but the original was performed by Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
TINA
How can you know that, but barely stand upright?
IT'S TRUE, RACHEL IS SWAYING A BIT.
RACHEL
It's not even a proper duet. Both parts sing all the lines.
QUINN, UNCONSCIOUSLY, TAKES RACHEL'S HAND.
QUINN
It doesn't matter. Let's just have fun with it.
RACHEL
Okay.
MERCEDES HITS PLAY AGAIN. RACHEL AND QUINN FALL INTO A NATURAL, ALMOST INSTINCTIVE CHOREOGRAPHY.
QUINN & RACHEL
I know you stand in line until you think
you have the time to spend an evening with me.
THEY START CIRCLING.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
And if we go someplace to dance,
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me.
RACHEL PULLS A PUPPY DOG FACE, CAUSING QUINN TO GIGGLE.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
But afterwards we drop into a quiet little
place and have a drink or two.
BRITTANY AND SANTANA CHEERS WITH THEIR CHAMPAGNE AT THIS.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
And then I go and spoil it all by saying
something stupid like 'I love you...'
IN THE SAME INSTANT, THE TWO GIRLS TAKE A STEP TOWARD EACH OTHER. THEN ANOTHER, AND ANOTHER...
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
I can see it in your eyes, you still
despise the same old lies you heard the night before.
QUINN HOLDS OUT BOTH HER HANDS. RACHEL HESITATES, THEN, SLOWLY, REACHES UP AND GRABS THEM.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
And though it's just a line to you, for me
it's true it never seemed so right before.
STRUCK BY SUDDEN INSPIRATION, QUINN PULLS RACHEL IN CLOSE, AND...
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
I practice everyday to find some clever
lines to say to make the meaning come true.
...STARTS A SLOW DANCE. RACHEL LAUGHS, THROWING HER HEAD BACK, DELIGHTED.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
But then I think I'll wait until the
evening gets late and I'm alone with you.
RACHEL'S INTO IT NOW, HER FINGERS GRAZING THE BACK OF QUINN'S NECK - SENDING AN UNEXPECTED SHIVER DOWN THE PRETTY BLONDE'S SPINE. BUT... THIS IS JUST A PERFORMANCE... RIGHT?
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
The time is right, your perfume fills my
head, the stars get red, and oh, the night's so blue.
NOT WHEN THEY'RE LOOKING IN EACH OTHER'S EYES LIKE THAT, IT'S NOT.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
And then I go and spoil it all by saying
something stupid like 'I love you...'
THE MUSIC SWELLS. BY NOW, THE REST OF THE GROUP ARE EXCHANGING STARTLED, QUESTIONING GLANCES, BUT IN THE CENTRE OF IT ALL, QUINN AND RACHEL ARE OBLIVIOUS... IN A LITTLE WORLD OF THEIR OWN.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
The time is right, your perfume fills my
head, the stars get red, and oh, the night's so blue.
THEIR VOICES ARE A PERFECT BLEND NOW. THE OTHERS ARE, AT ONCE, COMPLETELY THROWN BY THE SIGHT OF THEIR FRIENDS DANCING SO CLOSE, AND COMPLETELY SWEPT AWAY BY THE MAGIC OF THE ALTO AND SOPRANO WEAVING TOGETHER LIKE NEVER-WRITTEN PERFECTION.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
And then I go and spoil it all by saying
something stupid like 'I love you...'
THEY STOP. BUT DON'T LET GO.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
I love you...
IT'S SUDDENLY MAGNETIC.
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
I love you...
THEIR EYES FLUTTER CLOSED, AS INSTINCT AND SOME LONG-BURIED, LONG-DENIED DESIRE TAKES OVER...
QUINN & RACHEL (cont'd)
(A MELODIC WHISPER NOW)
I love you...
AND THEY KISS.
IT'S A STARS-EXPLODING, ANGELS BREAKING INTO CHORUS KIND OF KISS. THE SONG ENDS, AND THE NEXT TRACK BLEEDS IN, BUT NO ONE NOTICES.
QUINN AND RACHEL ARE STILL LOST - CAUGHT ON A DREAM OF FLYING, UNTIL...
RACHEL
What?
QUINN
What?
THEY BREAK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. STARTLED. BOTH OF THEM BLINKING RAPIDLY - DEER IN THE PROVERBIAL HEADLIGHTS.
EVERYONE ELSE - KURT, MERCEDES, TINA, BRITTANY, SANTANA AND SUGAR - JUST STARE, MOUTHS AGAPE, AT A COMPLETE LOSS FOR WORDS.
RACHEL AND QUINN SPARE THEIR AUDIENCE FLEETING, EMBARRASSED GLANCES, BUT THEN, ALMOST BY FORCE, LOOK AT EACH OTHER AGAIN. THERE'S TRUTH IN THAT LOOK.
IT TERRIFIES THEM.
AFTER ENDLESS EONS, THE SILENCE IS FINALLY BROKEN BY:
SUGAR
Uh... I guess you guys win.
THIRD AD BREAK:
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