Chapter Eight: Explanations

'Serena,' Lily greeted her daughter coldly. It hurt her to act like this, but no one really expected a polite greeting, a handshake or a kiss on the cheek. 'Oh, hello, Ben. I honestly never thought I'd see you here. Let me ask you just one question, before my daughter starts throwing accusations in my face, are you at least enjoying yourself, after you have destroyed our family?'

Serena saw from the corner of her eye how his face changed when Lily spoke those words to him. She knew he wouldn't have hurt anyone; he was innocent, inoffensive, an incredible man. What her mother was now accusing him of seemed as ridiculous as the first blame he took. He didn't destroy, he mended. He didn't hurt, he healed. She would know.

'Mom, that's enough,' she spoke, her words almost as strong as the grip she had on Dan's hand. Their fingers released each other, and she walked towards Lily. She wanted to be confident, powerful, determined, or at least seem like she was, but the only feeling she could express was fear. Mostly, she feared for her mother. She couldn't not care that, most probably, in less than 24 hours, Lily would be presented with a criminal record and a large prison sentence. She was scared, and she couldn't hide that anymore. Even so, she couldn't back down now. She had to keep going, get answers, save Ben. She had to, and she would.

'I'm not even going to ask you to tell me that what he said isn't true. Because, not even that deep down anymore, I know it is, Mom, and that's killing me. I am going to ask you only one question, and I want the truth. No more lies, no more secrets, only the real truth. What happened?'

Her arms were crossed across her chest, the only defence she had. Apart from a good explanation, there was nothing else to redeem her. 'You wanted to come home, and...I wanted you here,' she explained, her eyes never resting on one place for more than a second. 'But when Constance saw your records from Knightley, they wouldn't take you back, and it was the same with all the decent schools. And I was worried about your future, so I went to Knightley, and talked to the administration.'

'Of course you did.'

'But when I was on campus, there were some girls gossiping about you,' she continued, her tone lower, like she had said that story a thousand times before. Like she had lived that moment a million times before. 'They said that you had spent the night in a bed and breakfast with one of your teachers.' Serena recognised the voice yet again. She had heard it so many times before, who could forget? 'Serena, I thought I could trust you', or 'Serena, why can't you understand how important this is to our family?' It was like a broken record, playing the same daunting song over and over again.

'That was just gossip,' she explained, still waiting for a reason good enough to try and justify what she had done.

It didn't come. 'Well, it was gossip I could use to our advantage. I expressed my concern to the school that one of their teachers was having an inappropriate relationship with my underage daughter.'

'So you sent Ben to prison so I could go to Constance?'

'Well, no, of course not!' Her voice raised again, and Serena knew her mother did that when she knew she was guilty. 'But after I left, the school...alerted the authorities and then I didn't know what I had said in motion until I was contacted by the DA, and by then it was too late.'

'What, too late to tell the truth? So you just destroy a man's life, all so you can keep up appearances?' Of course that was what it was all about. What everything in their world was about. It didn't matter what went on behind the scenes. What was important was what people saw, and thought about you.

'No, I did this for you! For your future! Look, it's not like Mr Donovan was guilt free. He shouldn't have been having an affair with a student!' With this, Lily knew she was right. She knew Serena couldn't have possibly have had a reply to that.

'But he didn't do anything. Nothing ever happened.'

Well, she expected that. Serena trying to protect, to shield people from harm. Even if it meant hurting others who she didn't consider important enough. Collateral damage.

'Sweetie, you don't have to protect him.'

'I'm not protecting him. He never touched me, Mom. You sent an innocent man to prison.' (Gossip Girl, Season 4, Episode 11 'The Townie')

Lily stared at her daughter. 'No, I didn't. There was a witness, Serena.' Her tone got more authoritative. She knew she was losing that fight, and she couldn't let that happen. She had to make Serena see everything she had done was for her. She had to understand.

'Well, whoever it was, they lied. We didn't stay at the bread and breakfast. We sheltered from the rain for a while, and then he drove me home. That was it.'

'No. That's impossible! I...I-I...well, I...'

'Mom, either you do things right by Ben, or the police will. Your call.'

'Well, what does he want? Money? I can give him that.'

'No, ma'am, I don't want your money. What I want back are the last three years of my life, but I guess you can't give me that, can you?' Ben spoke, reminding everyone he was still in the room.

'Then why exactly did you come here? To ruin my family? To destroy my relationship with my daughter? To put me in jail? If you knew I couldn't give you what you wanted, then what the hell are you doing here?'

'I wanted to hear you explain yourself. Justify yourself to me, and to your daughter, for what you've done. I can't say it doesn't hurt to hear what you've just said, but at least now there is a reason for the last few years. At least I didn't live for nothing.' Serena noticed that, although his face was strong and composed, his hands shook. From anger or hurt, she couldn't tell, but it showed that he was feeling something more than he was showing.

'Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to leave. There is no point in me being here anymore. Goodbye, Serena.' He spoke those last words while his eyes bore into hers. Then he walked towards the elevator and disappeared through the closing doors as suddenly as he came.

No one spoke; the shock wouldn't let them. Serena stared at nothing, a small dot on the wall, big enough to see if you concentrated sufficiently on it, but small enough to miss if you blinked. She processed what happened and she realised what didn't. She pushed Dan's arms away, breaking free from his comforting embrace, and ran the same way Ben had only a minute before. She hadn't even noticed the elevator's doors open in the lobby, as she had been worrying about what was to happen next. She ran into the streets, the cold December air slipping underneath her clothes, causing her limbs to tremble. She frantically searched for him, hoping to see even a glance of his coat among the people. She raised herself on her tip-toes, and when she looked again, she saw him. Then she ran. She didn't know why, but she felt like she needed to apologize, make up for something.

'Ben!' she shouted, but he couldn't hear, his name rebounded by those in her way. She was close, but not close enough. 'Ben!' she shouted again, and this time, he stopped. 'Wait,' she asked, and stood a few feet away from him.

'Ben, where are you going?' she asked, guessing what the answer would be.

He sighed, his shoulders slumping low underneath his chin. 'I don't know,' he finally admitted. 'I don't really have anywhere to go.'

'Look, I promised you I would fix things. If you leave now, you're not giving me a chance to. Please, let me help you,' she said, moving closer to him. Her hands gripped her arms, trying to trap some warm air close to her body.

'Serena, as I've said before, I don't need your help.'

'Yes, you do. It's my fault you're here in the first place, so let me make amends for it. Please.'

'I don't need your money, or your mother's money. After all, the judge had to be bribed with something.'

'Well, how about a home. Unless you have a better offer,' she suggested, knowing the answer to the last sentence. 'Dan's family has a loft in Brooklyn that they rarely use, and it has a spare room. I'm sure they won't mind you staying there for a while. Please, let this be the first step of me keeping my promise.'

'I don't know...' he looked away, but she could see he wanted it. And she knew he needed it.

'Then it's settled. But for tonight, you'll have to sleep at our apartment, and I'll get the keys from Rufus tomorrow morning.'

His jaw hardened, his fingers curling up in fists. 'No, Serena. I won't stay in your mother's house.'

'Please, just for tonight. And then you'll leave. Please.' A shiver almost interrupted the last word, and she hoped he would decide faster, before her joints would freeze.

'Fine,' he sighed, once he noticed her shaking go up a level. He saw her smile, content with the way things ended in her favour, and they started walking back. 'Here, take this,' he instructed, placing his coat over Serena's shoulders. She wrapped it around her, remembering the smell of autumn afternoons and laughter.

xoxoxo

'I guess things never get boring around here, do they?' Dan said as he slipped underneath the covers of their bed.

She laughed, searching for his hand with hers, and interlocking their fingers once she found it. 'Everything is so messed up...' she complained, reeling in the comforting feel of him close to her.

'Not everything,' he corrected, sliding his arm underneath and around her, bringing her even closer to him. 'We're okay, aren't we?'

She smiled and closed her eyes. 'Yeah, we're good.'

He propped his head on his elbow, so he could see her better. Her features looked almost relaxed, her lips still curled into a faint smile. It almost triggered one from him. But he was worried, and most of that came from the fact he didn't know. What happened between her and Ben, what person she was before he met her, even if he had heard stories. He didn't know them from her, and he didn't want to judge her before she had the chance to talk to him, something he needed her to be able to do.

'Serena,' he whispered, coiling strands of her hair around his fingers.

'Yeah,' she replied, her lips moving against his chest.

'What happened between you and your teacher?' he asked, and as soon as the question was spoken, he felt her stiffen.

'You were there at the lovely family discussion earlier. Wasn't it obvious?'

'I want you to tell me about it, rather than me jumping to conclusions. You know I'm good at that.'

She sighed. 'Well...' she started, 'I...I was at boarding school and I...' She felt tears threaten to spill, and she knew it was because she didn't really want him to know. What she was, how she used to behave... She didn't want him to see her in a different light, because, well, she loved the way he knew her now. She didn't want to change that. 'I can't...' she muttered, burying her face deeper in his chest.

'Hey, come here,' he soothed, and lifted her with him, so that she sat beside him. He saw the tiny streaks of water moving down her cheeks, and he instantly regretted causing her pain, but this time he would be selfish and continue to ask until she answered his questions. And there was one in particular he was dying to know the answer of.

He placed his hands on her cheeks, smoothing the perfect surface until it became dry.

'You know you can tell me anything,' he encouraged, and pressed his lips over her cheek, comforting her. Now that he was thinking again, past the cloud of judgement and doubt, he realised that maybe it was better to just put the past behind them and spare her the sorrow. They should be looking towards their future, not what might have happened a long time ago.

'I want to tell you, I just don't want you to think less of me after I do. And I know that you will, because who wouldn't?'

That, he couldn't accept. 'Serena, we have been through so much together. If you still think that I'm ever going to change my opinion of you, then I must have done something wrong. You have to trust me.'

'No, I do trust you. I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, it's just sometimes I doubt myself, and then realise how right I am in doing so, and I panic, and...it overwhelms me. I'm sorry.'

'Don't apologise,' he commented, and wrapped his arms around her, cradling her to his chest. 'You know,' he spoke into her shoulder, 'you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to.'

'I want to tell you.' She pushed away and they sat opposite each other, holding one another's hands.

'So, after the Shephard wedding, and, you know, what happened between me and Nate, and then Pete dying, I ran away to a boarding school in Connecticut.' Each word she said was barely louder than a whisper, and her eyes were glued on their intertwined fingers. 'I arrived there with the reputation of the wild party girl, and I lived up to it. I wanted to forget, escape, drown the sorrow, and the hurt, and the guilt, and I thought the best way was by being reckless. All the teachers hated me, and the only reason I got good grades was because someone else was doing my homework.

That was until a new English teacher came. He was gentle, and nice, and he knew how to bring out the something he saw in me. He didn't judge me, didn't look down on me, he just...educated me. He respected me, as I did him. He had a way of making me start to show interest in school, and books, and I liked it, but not just for all the right reasons. I liked him, maybe a bit more than I should have, so I suggested out-of-hours sessions and after-school meetings. He read to me, nothing else happened, but with each second that we spent time together, I fell more and more in love with him.' His hands tensed under hers, and she knew she had hurt him. But she wanted to tell someone about this, she needed to let it all go, and he was the only person she could unload this on. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered, hoping it was enough.

'No, don't be,' he said, his thumbs rubbing circles around her knuckles. 'It's okay.'

'One evening, after he finished reading, he mentioned something about a Mary McCarthy collection at a library, so we went. But on the way back, the car broke down, and we went inside some inn in Poughkeepsie to keep dry and wait for the storm to pass. We were by the reception desk, and I saw an opportunity. I suggested that we got a room, and I thought we would, you know, finally...sleep together.' She couldn't stop. She knew this was probably painful for him to hear, but if she stopped now, then she would never bring it up again. 'God knows how much I wanted it, but he refused me. He fixed the car, drove me back to campus, and never spoke to me again until today. That was the last time I saw him until he showed up in my apartment this morning. When we got to Knightley, just before I got out of the car, he told me 'When you really want something, but the stakes are too high, you need to learn to let it go, no matter how much you desire it. Don't act on impulse, don't take risks. Life won't reward recklessness, it only punishes it'.' She stopped for a second, as if she was analysing those words. 'Then I came back to New York, got into Constance, as my mom wanted, and met you.' She smiled, remembering so many things, all at once. 'And you proved me wrong.'

'What do you mean?' he asked, his eyes avoiding hers, so she didn't see how affected he was by what he just heard.

'After Ben, I thought I couldn't love anyone else. But when I met you, I learned what love really meant.' She placed one hand flat on his cheek. 'I understood the difference between the obsession I felt for Ben, something I mistook for love, and the powerful, overwhelming passion, and devotion, love, that I felt for you.'

He didn't seem comforted by that, and his next question told her why. 'When you give up something that had a great impact on you, and then it comes back to you, old feelings can be awakened. Sometimes, time spent apart only 'makes the heart grow fonder', as they say. I just need to know, Serena, do you still have any feelings for him?'

She felt frustrated sobs make their way up her throat. She hated the fact that, when he asked her that question, she actually needed the time to consider it. She should've said 'no' straight away, but instead she deliberated the idea that, indeed, what she had once felt for Ben was unfinished, suddenly ended. And then she dared to look at him; and she saw his beautiful face stained with something that seemed like hurt, but on a much bigger level. His vulnerability, his doubts, could be read in his eyes, and the story seemed to get longer with every second she refrained from speaking. Any uncertainty that she might have had was gone when she noticed a single drop of water roll down his face, falling on the duvet around them from the way he then bent his head.

She placed her hands on his face, bringing their foreheads together. 'No, Dan, don't cry. I'm so sorry I took so long in saying this. How do you think I can have any feelings left for him, when my heart is so full of what I feel for you? I love you, and only you. Never doubt that. Never.' She kissed his cheek, his temple, the corner of his eye, wiping his tears. Finally, he put his arms around her and brought her closer to him, hiding his face in her hair. 'I'm sorry, don't cry,' she repeated over and over. They lied on the bed again, in each other's embrace, and her hands stroked his back until his breath evened and he fell asleep in her arms.

A/N: Well, there we go. I wouldn't have taken Dan for a crier, but I thought that Serena was the only one who could hurt him enough to trigger such a powerful emotion. And also, I hope you're not too mad at me for using that passage from the series, but I thought the writers did a very good job at creating an adequate dialogue between the two. (Finally something they did right). Please review and let me know what you think. Hope to update soon. Thanks for reading! xx