Chapter 21: Hate or Love

Einar jerked awake, then wiped away tears.

Beloved?

I didn't mean to wake you, Einar thought as he grabbed a glass of water by their bed. He sat up and drank.

Per'sus began looking into Einar's nightmare.

Stop.

Per'sus immediately pulled from his mind. You've never hid your thoughts before.

I don't want to talk about it. Einar laid back down. Make me sleep.

Per'sus helped him get back to sleep. He stayed awake to keep the nightmares away.

~+~+~.

Einar visited Liandra the next day. "Liandra?"

She glanced over.

"You changed your room again."

"I can't decide what to do with it," she admitted.

Einar sat down.

"I know it's technically a different room, but…this is where we were attacked."

"So you want it to look different."

"Yes." She sat down. "I'm glad you understand because, well, I don't."

Per'sus wondered if Einar's understanding had anything to with why he changed their room.

"Is there anything we can do to help?"

"No."

~+~+~.

A week later, Liandra asked to go to the surface. There was an eerie calmness to her expression as she asked.

"Yes," Per'sus granted. "I'll go with you."

"I don't want bodyguards around me."

"I'll dismiss them then."

"Councilor?" Vorran asked.

"You are dismissed." He followed Liandra as she left.

She said nothing, moving quickly. He followed after her.

They ringed up to the surface. It was hot and dry. Per'sus could feel the effect it had on Einar's body. He almost retreated, but Einar wasn't really there that day.

They traveled across sand, moving to higher cliffs. Per'sus knew this area well. He had been here many times. Thankfully, the sun was past its high point. Still, he could feel the rays burning Einar's skin, and only then did he worry about Liandra's skin. She had darker skin than Einar's, but she would still burn.

He caught up when she knelt down, only halfway up the slope. He knelt by her as she cried.

"Liandra?" He could see that she was breathing hard. "Take a rest."

"No!" She stood up and pushed herself to keep going.

"Drink water," he said as he followed.

"I've none left."

He took his from a pocket, but she pushed the offer away. He finally moved in front of her, physically blocking her from continuing.

She glared at him.

He looked over her. "You aren't sweating. You are staggering. Your breathing is rapid." He moved closer, touching his hand over her heart. "As is your heartbeat."

"I want to see the sunset."

He offered her the water again. "Drink. Slow down. I promise you, I'll help you up in time to see the sunset."

She angrily took the water, then drank. Then she sat down by a bolder that provided a little shade.

Per'sus knelt by her.

"I never had a problem with this cliff before." She looked to him. "Am I so weak already?"

"We are constantly making adjustments to help our hosts."

She drank more water, staring at the ground.

"You also don't push yourself to that degree in the heat of the sun."

"My eyes hurt. And my head…and I feel dizzy…and sick." She brushed her hair back.

He took out a healing device and started putting it on his hand.

"No!" She moved away.

"I can help you."

"I don't want to be healed, not by…another symbiote. It would be…unfaithful. I won't cheat on Jaydin."

"She wouldn't agree."

"Well, she's dead, so her opinion doesn't count."

Per'sus didn't reply, but he put the healing device away.

Liandra rested for a while before heading back up.

Per'sus followed.

She stopped at the cliff, watching the horizon. Since the sun wasn't setting yet, she sat down.

Per'sus remained standing. He was still worried about her true intentions.

"Whenever this planet was a base, Jaydin enjoyed watching the sun from here. For hundreds of years. This might have been her favorite spot in the whole galaxy."

Per'sus smiled. "I watched it with her many times."

"So did Cordesh," she added bitterly.

"He did."

"He didn't die painfully enough."

"I'm sorry." That stung more than he wanted to admit, more than he would ever admit. He still loved his brother.

Liandra was quiet as the sun dipped into the horizon. She stood when it was halfway gone, then edged to the cliff.

"Don't."

She looked to him as he approached.

"Jaydin would not want you to kill yourself."

"I can't live without her."

"Then live for her."

She shook her head as she began crying.

He grabbed her arm as she stepped closer.

"You asked how you could help me. Let me do this." She looked into his eyes, pleading. "Please. It hurts too much to live."

"I can't."

She sniffled, pulling away, but he was stronger.

"You know I can't let you."

"Nelay'an was allowed!"

"Garshaw didn't know what he was planning until it was too late. She didn't even know that Cordesh had left him."

She looked to the sun.

"Samantha Carter has access to Jolinar's memories. That's how she found us. In time-"

"Stop it!" She kicked and pulled, fighting to get away, but she was only pulled away from the cliff. "Let me go!"

"You should soon have Jaydin's memories. Allow that part of her to live with you." He felt guilty for having to hold her in place, especially since she was so much smaller than Einar.

"No!" She glared.

"I will not allow you to kill yourself."

She screamed, falling to her knees in tears. Per'sus hugged her as she cried.

Soon, he felt other Tok'ra come quickly to investigate.

~+~+~.

He stayed with her by the cliff for hours. Kelmaa, who had been giving her therapy every morning, had as well.

Others brought them food and water, and they encouraged Liandra to eat and drink. They also brought her a cloak to keep her warm.

It was almost morning when she finally spoke again.

"I don't feel like a Tok'ra. I'm..angry." She looked to Per'sus and Kelmaa. "Einar and Eir still have you. It makes me angry…jealous. I'm jealous." She sighed. "I just miss her. I want to feel her again. I want her back in my head where she belongs, not…being absorbed into my body." Liandra hugged herself. "I want her to have a proper burial, but…she can't be removed, can she?"

"I'm sorry. No," Kelmaa replied gently. Jaydin's body was simply too mangled to be safely remove.

Liandra nodded. "I want to give her a proper funeral."

"When you are ready," Per'sus assured.

"Thank you."

~+~+~.

Einar, I need you to talk to me. We can't function if you insist on keeping secrets. That's not how a Tok'ra functions, and… I'm worried about you. No... I'm terrified for you. You are showing the same symptoms as Liandra.

Einar sighed, currently the one in control. I'm not suicidal.

Then what are you hiding?

…I hate your brother.

Per'sus didn't respond, knowing he wasn't done.

I know you blame the sarcophagus, but… He was betraying us while…while we were intimate, and I don't know if Nelay'an betrayed me too…or if I was hurting him.

Probably both, Per'sus admitted. That's why you changed our quarters. Per'sus gave an internal sigh. The nightmares.

Yes. I don't think I can forgive him, but I have to… Because of you, I have to, and that sickens me.

Per'sus knew he was right. He'd never force the issue, but the very nature of being blended would.

Distancing from you allows me to be myself for longer.

I'll accept hating him.

I know you can separate him from what he turned into, but to me, they are the same person. He lived with the Tok'ra. I guarantee you, at some point, he had to make a choice between us and the sarcophagus while knowing that something was wrong. Maybe they both did.

1,921. For 1,921 years he fought the Goa'uld, but for twelve years, he wasn't himself…and that's all anyone cares about.

Einar hugged himself.

I'll do what's best for you.

He's your brother.

You're my host, and he…hurt you. He hurt you more than I wanted to admit.

I didn't want to admit it either. Einar began crying. I know it wasn't him. I know the real Cordesh would have never… I feel dirty.

Per'sus sent warm vibrations through his skin.

Einar rubbed over the back of his neck, running his thumb down harder than the rest of his fingers, feeling Per'sus under his skin. He smiled a bit as he felt Per'sus push back in return. They both felt very conflicted, but they enjoyed the physical comfort.

~+~+~.

Liandra was watched very carefully after that. When someone needed a new host, she offered herself.

"Are you sure?" Selmak asked.

"Jaydin would have wanted me to, and… I think I need it. I still… Warn her that she is blending with a…suicidal host."

"She will help you, but Pel's in security. She's often a bodyguard."

"I understand."

~+~+~.

Per'sus went to see her after. "How do you feel?"

"I don't know," Liandra admitted.

He sat by her.

"Mixed. I still miss Jaydin, but it doesn't hurt as much."

"In time, the pain will be tolerable."

She nodded slightly. "Pel is putting my pain before her own."

"It's what we do." Usually.

You always have.

"Is she staying in security?" Per'sus asked. "You have always been a good leader."

"I don't know. Being a leader is why I was targeted, and it might be a constant reminder that I lost Jaydin. I might like to see if we can become bodyguards once I'm…in a better state…emotionally."

"I'll support whatever choice you make."

"Thank you."

~+~+~.

Einar woke up one morning to Per'sus looking at photographs of Cordesh. He felt his beloved symbiote mentally preparing himself to change how he felt.

Maybe, Einar thought, we can just see what happens.

Are you sure?

Yes.

That means you might care about him again.

I know.