3 months later…
Coming back to Ílios felt so surreal. Coming back alive felt so surreal. They had spent months in the North, restructuring the three districts, and all they knew of that time was chaos and destruction. Stepping into the streets of the House of Apollo, there were still traces of the damage it had taken, but there was peace. There was life. It was like stepping into a completely different world, but this was actually real.
It was as if they had gone back to a time before the war started, but this peace was not as fragile as it had been. In a few weeks, all the suzerains of the districts would be congregating in Ílios for the Summer Solstice to discuss the fate of Pangaea. But in the meantime, most had gone back to their home districts to do reconstructions and to honor those that have fallen. There was still a long way to go to get back to how things originally were for most of the districts. But for now, all that mattered was there was finally peace.
"How are you feeling, Luke?" The son of Poseidon questioned, awkwardly peering inside the carriage from where he was seated atop of his horse. Luke was seated inside, Jason and Annabeth flanking his sides.
"Peachy," the son of Hermes grunted, pointedly ignoring the pain in his leg.
He got careless, thinking that once they subdued the districts that that was the end of it, but that was not the case. He paid the price of his carelessness with an arrow on the leg. It could have been worse. Much worse. At least this would be treatable.
At least he had a valid reason to be in Ílios instead of Anemoi, he thought to himself. At least he had a valid reason to see the kid.
Cobalt-blue eyes glanced at the son of Poseidon. During those months, he had been receiving correspondents from his hounds. He was certain that Percy had at least an inkling that he was keeping tabs on the son of Hades' condition, but the younger male said nothing. In fact, in the past few months, Percy immersed himself as the undisputed, acting right hand man of the suzerain of Skotádi, doing all of Thanatos' bidding.
On that day, in Agápi, all of them were certain that something changed in the two of them - something that shattered. But none of them knew how to bring it up. None of them wanted to face the consequences of bringing it up. It was as if they gained an understanding of each other… and a certain degree of heartlessness, which Luke could vividly remember them exhibiting during the downfall of Ouranós.
It was almost too easy to bring Ouranós down once news of Ares' death reached the district of Pólemos. With the suzerain's death, and the suzerain of Agápi held captive, the first heir of Pólemos was forced to step up to the position. Yet, instead of following through with Lord Ares' directions, the entire district was told to stand down, their forces withdrawing from Ouranós. Their downfall was inevitable once all nine districts marched into the capital, all demanding payment in blood.
"I led you!" Zeus bellowed, his face contorting in anger in the face of the nine districts as he was pinned to the ground by the son of Poseidon with his consort - Lady Hera - at his side. Heracles' severed head was unceremoniously dumped moments earlier in front of both of them. 'Returning a gift', as Thanatos mercilessly claimed.
"I led all of you to this new age! There is nothing wrong for me to claim back what is rightfully mine!"
Most, if not all of them, looked murderous in that moment at the outrageous claim. But Thanatos didn't seem bothered, as if he expected to hear those words from the suzerain of Ouranós. How far had the mighty fallen.
"You're not wrong," Thanatos confirmed, startling the rest of them. Percy lowered his head as he stepped back, giving Thanatos space as the suzerain of Skotádi approached the fallen 'king' slowly. He hung close by, just in case the suzerain of Ouranós tried anything dirty.
"You were trying to protect this world that you built. The decisions you made, it was all so you could protect your world."
"But you see, in this world, two kinds of people exist: those who steal and those who are stolen from." Thanatos knelt beside Zeus as he looked directly into those electric blue eyes. His own were void of any emotions, as if he had exhausted himself from feeling anything.
"Today, I just stole your future. That's all," Thanatos stated as a fact, giving a hollow smile before he stood up and turned to the son of Poseidon, gesturing for him to handle the rest.
That had been months ago, but it was still a vivid memory. The war ended just like that, but it was a victory that none wanted to celebrate. Even at the cost of peace, there was just too much lost.
Some days were easier than others. They were uneventful, but that was fine. They had too much 'excitement' to last them a lifetime.
But some days were harder: Days where they had to deal with the price of living. No one told them how to cope with the guilt of surviving. Wives demanding the lives of their husbands back. Mothers demanding the lives of their sons back. Children demanding the lives of their fathers back. They were treated as villains, and on many days, Luke had to remind themselves that - in their eyes - they were. They did not know any better. They blindly followed the orders of a madman. It was not their choice, but it was their price to pay.
Most nights were unbearable as well. Nightmares came in waves to each of them. Some nights they would wake up to Percy screaming. At some point, they had to take his sword and dagger before they allowed him to rest. It left him vulnerable, but it was easier to assist someone who - in the midst of uncertainty of which was real and which was not - was not wielding blades to their throats. On those nights, it was only with the assurance that Nico was alive that kept him grounded.
Some nights, surprisingly, it would be Thanatos, and it would be Percy to assist him. Luke decided not to ask about that. It seemed too personal; something that the suzerain of Skotádi would rather not have anyone else know.
Some nights, it would be him. Some nights, he would dream about Leshem and Michael's death, and be plagued with guilt as a result of his decisions. Some nights, he would dream about Nico getting stabbed and hear in his head the sound of his blood-curdling screams. Some nights, he would dream about that moment in Agápi and remember the fear he felt, even if it only lasted for a short while. He knew that he had stood so close to the doors of death on that day. If the Huntresses and Amazons did not appear… His nightmares showed him that possibility. His dead body. Annabeth's. Jason's. Percy's.
No one told them how to live after a war. But perhaps, it's because the answer was so simple: you just do.
"Maybe you should have the witch treat your wound," Annabeth spoke from beside him as they entered the gates to the Palace of Yákinthos.
Luke shuddered at the suggestion. He really would rather not for good reasons.
"If you treat it with medicine, we don't know if there would be lasting effects," Annabeth reasoned, noticing his reluctance. While the wound had been treated, Luke still found difficulty in walking, hence her and Jason acting as the son of Hermes' support. He didn't want to inconvenience them further, and he eventually had to go back to his post to assist his father in the matters of their district. Those were his reasons for considering Annabeth's suggestion, but still…
"What do you think, Percy?" Luke called out to the son of Poseidon as he peered outside the carriage, wanting his input.
But Percy did not hear what Luke had said as soon as they entered the gates of the Palace of Yákinthos. His eyes were drawn to the large garden where craspedia, daffodils, gladiolus, sunflowers, and tulips – all of the same vibrant color of yellow – bloomed delicately. In the center of it all… was him.
Without hesitation, Percy spurred his horse on, ignoring the son of Hermes' calls as he urged it to gallop towards him as fast as possible. The wind whipped through his hair, and his heart pounded erratically in his chest as he kept his gaze on him, afraid that he would disappear the moment he looked away.
Look at me. Please, look at me, he begged in his head. But he was preoccupied, chatting with Will and Lou as the son of Apollo shook some towels from beside them while the witch seemed to be preoccupied with creating a flower crown. The smile that he gave them was so fragile that Percy wanted to replace it immediately with one that shone just as brightly as he did in Percy's eyes at that moment. He adorned white flowing robes, and at that moment, it seemed as if a god decided to grace them with his presence. An incredibly beautiful god. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and in Percy's eyes, there was no one else who could be more beautiful than him.
He missed him. He missed him more than life. Every fiber of his being was calling out to him. How did he last for so long, when all that he wanted was to be by his side always?
"My heart," he whispered, calling out to him.
From that distance, he should not have heard Percy. Perhaps it was a tugging in their souls - the strings of Fate - or perhaps a god deciding to show him mercy by answering his prayer. Time seemed to slow down as he turned to him, those russet-brown eyes looking directly into his very soul, and everything else disappeared.
There was his heart, his soul, his whole world.
Nico abruptly stood up at the sight of him, but remained frozen in place as if he could not believe what he was seeing as well. Before him, Percy could care less if he looked ridiculous - he started chucking his chest armor, gauntlets and vambraces to the ground, leaving them behind as he urged his horse faster. The son of Hades laughed at the sight, but his eyes looked watery while he kept looking at Percy. It didn't matter if he would be ridiculed or reprimanded later for his actions. They would have obstructed him from feeling Nico's warmth, and he desperately needed to feel Nico's warmth. He needed to feel that he was alive and safe in his arms. He dismounted his horse when he was only a few feet away, his hands letting go of Anaklusmos and Diplasiázo and letting them fall to the ground as Percy stepped towards his lover. He felt bare before him, but in the face of Niccolò di Angelo, he really was nothing but a simple man who was so desperately, passionately and irrevocably in love.
The rest of the world didn't matter anymore as he took him in his arms, collapsing to the ground when the relief overwhelmed him, and drained him of all his strength. Home. In those arms, it felt like coming home. He didn't give Nico the chance to speak - Percy desperately claimed his lips in a passionate kiss, holding the back of his head so he couldn't move away. Not that Nico would ever want to as he returned the kiss just as desperately, his arms wrapping around the son of Poseidon's neck and bringing them closer until their chests were pressed against each other. They whispered I love you's in the spaces between their lips over and over again as if they were making up for time lost.
"You came back to me." Oh, how Percy missed his voice. How Percy missed his warmth. How Percy missed his everything.
"I promised you: I would always come back to you," Percy sobbed, the burden of the war finally weighing down on him now that his most precious person was safely in his arms. He held Nico as if the latter was his lifeline, as if he was afraid that Nico would go if he were to let him go. When their lips separated, Percy buried his face against the crook of his lover's neck, desperately breathing in his comforting scent that he had missed so much.
"Idiot! Idiots, all of you!" Nico started sobbing in his arms, his hands clenched into fists as he slammed them in the son of Poseidon's chest, and Percy just let him. This pain was nothing in comparison to what he had Nico endure. "What if something happened to you?! What if something happened and I wouldn't even know?!"
Percy carefully took his hands after a while, worried that his lover would hurt himself. But the son of Hades didn't seem to care about that, his eyes brimming with all his accumulated despair over the past few months. "If something happened to you, I-I…"
"I'm not weak… I'm not…" Being left behind was the worst feeling imaginable.
"But I am," Percy said in a calm voice as he kissed his tears away. His heart was tearing into pieces at the sight of him crying. He didn't want to see sadness in those eyes. He couldn't bear hurting him anymore than he already had. He wanted to stop being the reason for his pain. "I'm not strong enough to lose you."
"I can't imagine my life without you anymore," he said out loud, voicing the thoughts that had been plaguing him since their first night together.
Don't leave me alone. I can never lose you again. Just stay by my side. I'll do whatever it takes just so you don't have to suffer by my side.
A world without Nico was not a world worth living in.
"Me too, Percy," the son of Hades rasped, burying his face in his lover's chest. "I can't imagine my life without you."
They remained locked in that embrace for a long time before the son of Poseidon mercifully took notice of Will and Lou looking at them quietly from the side. 'Thank you', he mouthed to them. Thank you for taking care of my heart. Thank you for keeping him safe. The two of them seemed to understand what he meant though with just those two words alone, flashing him genuine smiles as they squeezed his shoulders in return.
A sharp cough from behind them interrupted the lovers. Reluctant to separate, Percy looked behind him to find Lord Hades, Thanatos and the rest of their friends staring at them pointedly. Despite his state, Luke managed a genuinely wide smile while Annabeth's was more moderated. Surprisingly, Jason was smiling as well while observing the two of them.
"Tzákson. Unhand my son," Hades demanded, fighting his natural urge to separate the two.
Percy laughed awkwardly at the former suzerain's heated glare to the back of his head. Shielding Nico for a second, he carefully wiped away the remnants of tears on the son of Hades' face, knowing that the latter would hate for his family to see him in that state.
"It's fine, Percy," Nico assured as he wiped at his face, schooling his features to a look that was more or less neutral. Percy had to stop himself from chuckling - Nico wasn't fooling anyone with his slightly red eyes. Pressing a kiss to his forehead, he carefully stood them up before presenting Nico to them.
"How are you doing, boy?" Hades questioned, looking at him with a frown.
Nico hesitated for a second before pulling slightly at the robes, enough to show where the wound used to be. It had healed up nicely, leaving only a scar in its place.
"It's fine. I'm fine," his son answered firmly as he tugged the fabric back into place. The son of Hades looked guarded as he met his father's gaze, trying to read the emotions in them.
Was he disappointed in him for what happened? For his choices? For the past three months, he had that nagging thought in his head. Would his father be ashamed of him for getting injured to the point that he could not rejoin them in the war? But as he stood before his father, he saw none of the emotions he anticipated.
The former suzerain simply nodded before he stepped forward, embracing his youngest son tight. None of them seemed to have expected it - not even Thanatos - as they looked at the former suzerain with wide eyes.
"Di immortales, Niccolò, hug back!" Hades hissed in discomfort when his son just stood there, stunned. With the reprimand, he carefully raised his arms, embracing his father just as tightly. He bit his lower lip as he tried to suppress the urge to cry again. He didn't want them to see that side of him. Only with Percy would he allow himself to be vulnerable.
"I'm glad you're safe, Father."
"Not for long," Hades said as he released his son with a grim expression. "Persephone found out about what happened. Since it's your fault, you fix this."
"Of course, Father," Nico readily agreed, a smile playing along his lips. He would rather not laugh in the face of his father's misery. It wouldn't end well for him.
"Niccolò," Thanatos stepped forward this time while their father gave way. He embraced the young di Angelo carefully - awkwardly. It was clear that neither of them were used to each other being affectionate in any way. It was never needed to show that they cared - to a certain extent - of each other. "Take care of yourself better. Know that you are worth so much more than you think."
The youngest son of Hades could only nod his head in acknowledgement, reigning in the tears that were welling up in his eyes once more. He knew. It took dying to know his worth. It took him dying to realize that Luke and Annabeth never left his side the entire time as they fought for this district. He was dying, and his father sought the means to ensure that he would live. Lou and Will saved his life and cared for him while he was recovering. And Percy - his idiotic but selfless lover - gave up his district in order to fight in the North for him. There was no way for him to deny that people cared for him. There was no way to deny that he had worth.
Thanatos pulled away after a while. He gave his brother a weak smile before he and their father walked inside the palace.
All too soon, the son of Hermes smothered him with a hug. If it wasn't for Percy's and Annabeth's quick reflexes, Luke would have crushed him to the ground. But Luke didn't seem to care as he squeezed him tightly, messing with his hair.
"Damn you, you brat! Don't scare us again," Luke scolded him, but there was a smile on his lips that had the son of Hades ignoring the annoying gesture and smiling in return. He wouldn't admit it, but he missed the son of Hermes as well. On top of Percy, Nico worried about his safety too.
From beyond his shoulders, he smiled at the daughter of Athena and son of Zeus as well, though the latter was a bit forced since there was still an awkwardness between them. But Jason just returned the smile and said nothing, hanging back as if he felt that he didn't belong within their group.
"Nice to see you too, Luke," he murmured while patting the older male's arms around his neck.
"Don't ever do that again," the son of Hermes hissed in a low voice so that only the two of them could hear. "Don't do that to Tzakson again."
Luke gave him a meaningful look, and Nico immediately knew what it meant. Luke would talk to him later, just the two of them. But for now, there were more pressing issues.
"What happened to you?" Nico asked as the older male stepped back, Jason and Annabeth automatically moving to support him. The familiar weight of Percy's hand settled against his waist once more, and he naturally moved to press back against the son of Poseidon.
"Arrow on the leg while I was babysitting your fiancé," Luke explained with a shrug while glaring at said fiancé. It was a slip of the tongue - he clearly had forgotten that it wasn't publicly known. The fact that they were lovers was common knowledge since Percy's debutante ceremony. The betrothal, as far as Luke knew, only him, Annabeth, Leshem and Michael knew. But Will and Lou seemed to know based on the lack of surprise in their faces. The same case couldn't be said for the son of Zeus who immediately stiffened by his side at the new information.
Clearly, Nico didn't notice what the news was doing for the son of Zeus as he turned to Lou curiously.
"Lou, do you think…?" the son of Hades trailed off, gesturing to the son of Hermes' injured leg. But before the young witch could check, Luke shook his head.
"It's fine. Will can have a look," he assured, gesturing with his head to the son of Apollo before he focused his attention on the young woman. "It's not that I don't trust you, but I don't want to experience what the kid did."
"It won't be that bad," Lou snorted, waving her hand dismissively at his concern. "Since it's on the leg, the price isn't as high. Afterwards, you would only need to rest your leg for three days and it should be good as new."
The son of Hermes still hesitated. He knew what she was saying about the recovery part was nothing but the truth, but he somehow doubted the pain being not that bad in comparison to Nico's. While it was a tempting idea that his recovery time would be greatly reduced… he spared a quick glance at the son of Hades who caught it.
"Ah, I see," Nico suddenly sighed, looking dejected as he turned to the son of Poseidon, burying his face in his lover's chest. Percy did not understand what was going on, but he immediately wrapped the younger male in his arms, albeit with a confused expression. "I thought we were brothers. I didn't know that was conditional…"
This little shit, Luke cussed in his head while glaring at Niccolò di Angelo. The rest of them, except for Percy and Jason, seemed to have caught on with Nico's devious scheme as they snickered in response.
"How heartless of you, Lucas…" Annabeth added from his side, backing up the son of Hades. Since when did the two of them get along? Since the two of them found a common cause in the form of the son of Hermes, that's when.
"Fine!" Luke grunted, his irritation increasing just slightly when Nico turned his head to look at him, a victorious smirk on his lips. Cheeky brat. "But you better promise it won't be that bad!" Luke grunted, pointing an accusatory finger at the young witch who simply smiled amicably in return.
"Yes, I promise."
Luke didn't think he would regret a decision so quickly.
"Di immortales!" Luke cursed out loud, tearing at the sheets beneath him as a searing pain engulfed his injured leg. By his side, the daughter of Athena and the son of Zeus were looking at him with concern. It hurt. It bloody hurt. "You said it wasn't going to be bad!"
"I said it won't be that bad," Lou reminded him as she placed the empty vial back inside her leather satchel before she leaned forward to take a closer look at the slowly closing wound. "Since it's already healing, it shouldn't be that bad of a payment. That's about… forty times less than Nico's? Roughly."
Despite being so busy enduring the pain, Luke hung onto the fact that the son of Hades endured a pain that was much worse than his. The pain in his leg was so excruciating that he had to wonder if it was worth forcing it to heal rapidly. He couldn't imagine how Nico survived given a pain forty times his own.
As soon as they escorted them to the infirmary, Nico and Percy left. Luke couldn't even bring himself to "defend his brother from being defiled". He couldn't bring himself to come between them, not after seeing how they reacted to finally being reunited. They had been separated long enough.
The change in Percy was instant. It was as if a switch had been flipped - the son of Poseidon who had been unsmiling, unfeeling, over the past few months was all tender smiles and laughter beside the son of Hades. There was no denying that Nico was his only happiness.
"How was Nico when he woke up and found out that we left?" Luke decided to ask once he was able to get his breathing regulated once more.
Lou and Will stopped in the middle of what they were doing, glancing at each other, before turning to face them.
"It was bad," Will gave them the rundown, shuddering at the memory of the son of Hades - pale and weak - stumbling out of his room, using his sword as his support as he determinedly tried to leave the palace. "We had to sedate him for days. He would have gone after Percy if we didn't."
The young witch nodded in confirmation. Despite the attempts to sedate him, the son of Hades still stubbornly fought against the medication. They could have used magic to keep him restrained, but there was a chance that it might affect his body's natural recovery. Magic could only do so much, the rest depended on his body. And how Nico hated his body during those months, blaming himself, calling himself weak. It was painful to watch him spiral so badly into self-hate.
"I anticipated just as much. I'm surprised that you were able to stop him," Luke said with a grimace as he adjusted his position, leaning back against the headboard.
"Father talked some sense into him. And having Percy's brooch helped." All of them - except the son of Zeus who was unaware of the customs - smiled at that. "But after that, for many days, he was asking Lou all these questions."
"What kind of questions?" Annabeth questioned this time. The son of Apollo looked so uneasy that it was Lou who answered.
"He was asking if there is any way… to bring the dead back to life."
A silence settled between them as they digested the implication of the son of Hades' question.
"Those two…" It was Luke who broke the silence. There was evident concern in his face for the two heirs in question.
"It's possible," Lou elaborated, fidgeting. "But it's really, really dark magic. I wouldn't dare tap into it. One of the conditions to make it work would require sacrifice. Human sacrifice. A whole lot of it. But Nico at that time looked like he might be considering it if something happened to Percy."
"They can't be separated," Annabeth concluded for all of them, to which the others nodded. "It's dangerous to have them separated."
"No one can separate them even if someone does try. Nico took to making an oath with Lord Chaos to be with Percy, and Percy was willing to leave everything behind for di Angelo," Luke reminded all of them. No one could question their fierce loyalty towards each other.
"They've always been inseparable as children." Surprisingly, it was the son of Zeus who spoke, a certain fondness in his eyes as he recalled memories gone by. "It was always Nico and Percy. Perhaps, it was just meant to be that way from the very beginning."
"If you knew, then why do you still hold on?" Luke asked, causing Jason to frown in confusion. "I know that look in your eyes: Tzákson has the same one. You're in love with Nico too, aren't you?"
Luke pitied him to some extent. The kid had lost his family and his home. The only reason he was sticking beside Luke was because the others were treating him as someone unwelcomed - an enemy. He looked lost; someone who had nowhere to go.
Jason laughed at the son of Hermes' words, his lips curling to a faint smile, tugging at the small scar there. The others were looking at him with something akin to pity, but he didn't want it. He didn't think he deserved it. It was a pain he brought onto himself simply because he couldn't completely let go.
"I already have. It's been three years since I've given up. But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel," Jason admitted. There was a sadness in his eyes, but above all, there was acceptance in the truth he had acknowledged a long time ago. If he were to be honest, there was still a spark of hope in his heart when they met months ago in Anemoi. But even that was quickly extinguished by Percy's indirect admission of being in love with the son of Hades. So he settled for the memories he could recall. He settled for the ghosts of their pasts. Perhaps Nico was his soulmate. Unfortunately for him, the universe conspired to make Percy Nico's and Nico Percy's.
"I still love him, but I know I can't have him."
He couldn't let go completely. Regardless of what the future held for him, Niccolò di Angelo was his first and only love. Regardless of what the future held for him, he would continue to hold onto these feelings and cherish them as tenderly as he would have the son of Hades. It was the only thing in his life that he had control over. It was the only thing in his life that he was completely certain with. For that, it was precious. For that, it was enough.
Before he was a husband, he was a suzerain.
Before he was a father, he was a suzerain.
It was therefore common knowledge that his personal interests - his emotions - should be casted aside for the benefit and well-being of his people. In his heart, he had already accepted the inevitable, but there was still a small part of him that had hoped it would not come to this.
It would never become easier - to bury a child. When his child with a Lady died at a young age before he could claim them as his, while there was that knowledge that a child of his perished, it didn't affect him as much since there was no bond between them. When Theseus passed away, it had been much difficult to process his grief. He had come to love the boy too much, and so did his younger brother, Perseus. His son's death left an indelible scar in their hearts. That scar gradually faded, but he acknowledged that it was there to remain forever.
Now, faced with the death of his first son, Poseidon had to wonder how much more he must lose. Faced with the death of his first son, he wondered if this was Fate's price for his infidelity. Claiming his life wouldn't have given him a hard lesson to learn, so Fate decided to take something which he valued more than his own. His pain at this point was insignificant, in comparison to the pain he would be delivering his wife.
When a man loses his wife, he is called a widow. When a child loses his parents, he is called an orphan. There was not a term for parents who lost their child. Perhaps it was because no one was willing to name the unthinkable.
"How do you live with it? How do you live with yourself, knowing you have killed my son?" Lord Poseidon asked, tossing back the wine in his goblet, wishing for once that it was stronger so that it could ease the ache in his chest. He glared at the sky, as if it was mocking him; mocking the death of his son. Why could it not rain, to show his sorrow? Why could it not storm, to show his anger?
Instead, it was clear and bright, and a cool breeze constantly caressed his skin. The sky did not mourn. It was almost as if it was celebrating.
"I have to. He told me to hold my head high and to not show any weakness to my people," Thanatos admitted, leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed behind his back. "... I couldn't bring him back alive. He didn't want to come back alive despite Perseus sparing his life. To him… death was kinder."
"So you killed him out of pity? Or did you kill him out of love?" the suzerain asked, ignoring how lifeless and cold those honey, gold eyes were as they stared up at an equally empty sky. How could the loss of a beloved compare to the loss of one's child? Poseidon challenged. Yet, he didn't wish to find out the answer for himself, nor did he think he could ever know. "... You loved him, didn't you?"
Thanatos offered a small, hollow chuckle.
"When have I said that it passed?" was all he said, yet that alone spoke in volumes for Poseidon.
Thanatos loved Triton as far back as when they were children. He found a companion in the other, and Triton carved a way into his life that neither his father nor mother could ever fill. He found solace, and for a while, he knew that Triton did too. More than anything, it was enough to be by his side. A shoulder to lean on. An ear to listen. A pillar of comfort. It was enough. He settled for "enough".
"Then why did you do it? Why could you do it?"
He was blinded, looking back on it. He was blinded by that love; by that admiration. He let his values and beliefs be poisoned. He let himself be a different person; unknowingly allowing those hands to mold him into something that he wasn't. It took looking into those once desolate, russet brown eyes of his younger brother for him to be doused in ice-cold water. And when he looked at himself in the mirror one day, he couldn't recognise what he had become.
He took the outstretched hand of that one person, in favor of losing the rest. Yet, his conviction wasn't strong enough, if it took only one tug from a child to bring him back to the path that he must thread. He lacked the will to follow where Triton - feeling betrayed - chose to walk alone. He lacked the will to gamble his sacrifices.
"... because I couldn't do what your son or my brother could. I couldn't sacrifice the world for one person," Thanatos admitted, feeling as if he was suffocating on wool in his throat.
"I was a coward. I am a coward."
There was not an answer on how to grieve for something that was never yours.
There was nothing that could tell him how long he could grieve. There was nothing that could tell him how long the darkness in his world would last. What he knew of grieving… he knew from his day-to-day life since then.
If there was ever a book that could tell him about his grieving, he was certain of a few things about its content:
In grieving, there are a multitude of negative emotions you will feel. But above all, there is a persistent numbness.
Life becomes tedious. Life becomes bleak. The world loses its color. Your existence loses a purpose. People will continue living, and physically, you will too. But a part of you stopped; it found death along with what you grieve for, and there was no taking that part back.
Perhaps the reason why there was no answer to his question was because there was no one who had gone through his circumstances. No one else could understand his grief. No one else would be able to understand his grief.
For days, he tried avoiding them - his brother and his lover. He tried avoiding them like a plague. Their happiness was mocking him, yet he knew that this happiness was what his brother deserved. He didn't envy them for the undoubtedly soul-crushing grief they would experience when either of them would die, yet he envied them at the same time, for he would never know what it meant to treasure someone enough to make them his entire world. A contradiction. He was a living contradiction.
He especially tried to avoid Perseus and his father. It broke something in him to look into those sea-green eyes and see not a speck of his trace.
Triton was gone. Just… gone. He could not even find a trace of his existence in this world. For someone of his status to become a sinner, they erased his trace from this world, buried him in an unnamed grave somewhere. Forgotten.
How do you grieve for something that can never be found again?
"He was smiling when he died."
He could only avoid them to a certain extent. He knew Perseus would eventually tell his brother of what went down in Agápi. He knew that Perseus would tell his brother everything. He expected it - there was nothing that they hid from each other.
The son of Poseidon was looking more like himself by the day. For a second, it infuriated him. The world was moving on. Everyone was moving on. So why was he the only one trapped in the darkness of that day?
"I thought he would be," Thanatos acknowledged. "He always feared that he would die alone." It was from a memory of the past.
"He had you, and I think that was enough," Percy offered. It was intended to console him, but it didn't.
That was another thing about his grief. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever make it go away. It was simply there, lingering, in the corners of his mind, in the depths of his soul.
"Who should I blame for his misfortune? I can't blame both of you. I can't blame our fathers as well. So tell me… who should I blame? Who can I blame?" Thanatos turned to face his brother and his lover. He looked directly into Nico's eyes. It wouldn't break him as much as Perseus'.
"You told me once that someday I'll bathe in a bright light…" Thanatos started, looking away at the same time as his brother did. What did Nico see in his eyes, he wondered. Did he see his grief? Did he understand it? He wanted someone to understand. He needed someone to understand. He did not like this loneliness from being the only one who knew this grief. "That day will never come. I killed my light."
"Why did you?" The son of Poseidon asked.
"Death was kinder," he offered the same response that he gave his father. It was the truth. It was the last mercy he could give.
"... Did you love him?" his brother asked this time.
He didn't answer directly when he was asked by Lord Poseidon. He felt that his feelings didn't deserve acknowledgement in light with his actions.
I loved him. He wanted to say. He wanted to scream his answer amidst his pain. He could tell that acknowledging it would relieve him of his grief. He could also tell that it meant moving on.
But he didn't want to move on. Even as the world would eventually forget, if it was in this grief he would find traces of him, then he would wallow in this grief for eternity.
"Live. For the life he lost, live," was all he could say.
.
.
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Note: I wanted some… emotional closure for this chapter. Chapter 30 and epilogue would be the 'what will happen after the war' closure.
Chapter title is inspired by "Ghost" by Justin Bieber. More so the part of:
"If I can't be close to you, I'll settle for the ghost of you
I miss you more than life (more than life)
And if you can't be next to me, your memory is ecstasy
I miss you more than life, I miss you more than life"
The last official chapter will be on the 20th! After that is just the epilogue and two side stories for the proship month. As always, thank you to everyone still reading this work!