A.N. This story is meant to follow the events of Her Voice, and will make more sense if you've read that first. My thanks for the many kind comments from those who reviewed that story.

Echoes

Chapter 2

Reid shipped most of the materials home, but reserved a few journals for the plane ride. He could easily have finished all of them within a day, but found he wanted to immerse himself in them, to luxuriate in the words of his mother. He took his time and pondered as he read.

This journal dealt with his early years. Although she'd never fully recovered from interrupting her meds, his mother had only gradually deteriorated into the state of needing full time care, having both good days and bad days. At this point, his father was still in the home. He gathered that these entries had been written some months after the Riley Jenkins episode. He noticed that Diana had not been journaling during the Riley Jenkins period, perhaps too distraught to take pen to paper.

He read, "Spencer is five today. He seems so much older, sometimes I forget he is just a little boy. His intellect has become advanced far beyond his maturity. While I am immensely grateful for his gifts, I fear for him. Being different is so very difficult, especially for a child. Today, he came home crying because a classmate called him 'four eyes'….at the same time that he was able to explain to the classmate how his glasses were correcting his refractive error and astigmatism! Today, I was able to make it all right with cookies and milk. But I fear harder times will be ahead for my precious boy. Bullies only become bigger and more vicious. I pray for the wisdom to know how to help him with each challenge he faces. Please teach me how to shape him and form him to be the person he is called to be. I believe he's been gifted for a purpose, and I pray that I can help him to find it."

Reid was reflective. His mother had never been overtly religious, at least not to his memory. And this despite religiosity being a part of the symptom complex of many schizophrenics. Yet, in her journals, he'd been finding evidence of a strong faith in something…or Someone. Had his mother lost that faith with her illness? He'd grown up without a system of belief in something greater, had studied the bible as an interesting text with historical roots. Since his experience with Tobias Henkel, and his "death" of several minutes, he'd questioned that upbringing. He'd been finding himself nudged toward a faith that he'd never expected to have. And now he was learning that it was part of the "real" Diana as well. He felt a new level of connection with her.

At the same time, he grieved for both his mother and himself. The bullying had only gotten worse with age, so much worse. And his mother was not granted her prayer to be able to help him with it….hadn't even been fully oriented when it happened. She'd been denied her wish…..and he had been denied the comfort he had so desperately needed . What part of that was deserving of faith?

Reading through these journals was proving to be more emotionally…..and spiritually….taxing than he had expected. This was uncharted territory for Reid, and he felt like he needed a guide. His thoughts turned in a particular direction….

When he returned to the BAU, Reid was called into Hotch's office, even as he got off the elevator.

"Reid, again, I'm sorry for your loss. If you don't feel you're ready to return at this point, we will all understand."

"Hotch, thank you. But I think work is the best thing for me right now. I'm actually looking forward to digging into the pile of files on my desk, believe it or not."

"Trust me, I've been there, and I completely understand. Work is therapy."

"It is, for me. Hotch, thank you….and all of the team…..for everything that you did. I really didn't expect you to be at the memorial service, but I was very glad that you came,"

"I don't think you could have kept us away. Prentiss was ready to commandeer the plane if we hadn't been granted permission to stop in Vegas on the way back."

Rossi poked his head in with a "glad to have you back," and continued on to his office.

Reid received hugs from Emily and Garcia on his way to his desk, along with a handshake and backslap from Morgan. Emily noticed him looking around for JJ.

"She's taken the day off. Henry's coming back from New Orleans."

When Reid looked surprised that she knew about that, Emily added, "She told all of us at the memorial. She said she realized that we probably all needed to know that she was single parenting now, since it might affect her availability."

He punched in JJ's number on his phone. "Hi Spence, sorry I'm not there for your first day back. This was Henry's first time away, and I felt like I needed to be there to pick him up." She had a sense he'd be looking for her.

"Of course, JJ. I should have thought of that myself. How did he do?"

"I'll let you know in a little bit…..his plane hasn't landed yet. I'm ridiculously nervous about seeing my own son."

"You'll be fine, you're a great mom."

"How are you doing, Spence? Are you able to sleep?"

"I think I'm beginning to catch up on that. I'm still reading through my mom's journals." And, with an openness that surprised even himself, added, "I feel like I need to process it. Maybe I could talk with you about it?"

He couldn't see the surprised smile on her face. "Of course, Spence. Are we still on for breakfast tomorrow? Maybe we can talk afterwards. Henry will have to nap some time." Even through the phone, she could sense that Diana's death had unlocked something in her son.

"Absolutely. I'll be there at eight. I know a place that makes the best chocolate chip pancakes in town."

"Really. What kids have you been hanging out with?"

"Kids?"

Male bonding over chocolate chip pancakes was a sight to behold. Especially when the four year old male covered his pancakes in hot fudge sauce…and washed it down with hot chocolate.

"Mommy, can we go out to breakfast with Uncle Spence every day?"

A glare from JJ stopped Reid from giving his "Sure."

Instead, he offered, "Well, Henry, this is considered a power breakfast. Men only have it on special occasions…like when they've got some serious monkey bars to climb."

Henry may have been only four, but he was no fool. He recognized the implications of that statement.

"Yay! We're going to the park!"

"We can go to the park, Henry, but you are not to be on the monkey bars without one of us right beside you," said Mother Bear JJ.

Reid had been a frequent visitor to her home, especially after Emily's "death". And while he'd come for comfort, he'd also always made it a point to spend time with his godson. But that time had always been spent in reading together, building things or doing magic tricks. Now, she found herself touched by Spence's determination to fill in for Will by being more physical with Henry….and simultaneously terrified that the two of them would get into trouble together. Reid seemed to have a knack for that too.

With Reid's help, JJ convinced Henry that the slide was the most adventurous item he needed to explore at the park. Returning home around noon, they had a light lunch and then JJ put an exhausted Henry down for a nap.

"I think he wore me out today," she said, falling onto the sofa next to Reid. "I might have to take a nap as well."

"I can leave you alone, JJ, if you want to rest." Reid had that awkward look to him as he started to rise.

JJ pulled him back down. "No, Spence, I didn't really mean that. Besides, I thought you wanted to talk."

Wanting to talk and being able to do so were two very different things. Reid was almost sorry he'd said anything to her before. He'd been more courageous over the phone, lost that courage in her presence. Removed from the cocoon of that time surrounding his mother's death, the intimacy didn't feel as natural as it had. He started to fall back into an old pattern of distance, not really believing that anyone could be interested in his private thoughts and feelings.

"It's okay, JJ. You're tired and you've got a lot on your plate. I don't need to bother you." He started to rise again.

JJ knew him too well. She recognized the shield he was erecting between them and became determined to break it down. "Spencer Reid, you sit right back down here. I told you, you are a part of my family now. Families share things. Spence, you shared your mother with me, you shared her death with me. Can't you share yourself with me? "

Chagrined, Reid looked at the floor. Slowly, he sat back down. "I'm sorry, JJ. I'm just not used to this."

"Well, get used to it." When JJ took his hand, she felt Reid stiffen…..and then forcibly relax himself. She was touched. Physical contact didn't come naturally to him, but he was obviously determined to make the effort to change. "Spence, it's just me. I'm not going to bite. You're going through something and I want to help. Tell me about the journals. And about how you feel."

He leaned back into the sofa, still allowing her his hand. Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes and began. "I don't know how I feel." Opening his eyes to look at her briefly, he said, "that's why I need you."

Continuing, he found it easier to speak without making eye contact. "The journals….I've gotten as far as my fifth birthday. All along she's having good days and bad days, and gradually more bad days than good. I recognize the bad times, because they were most of what I lived with as a boy. But the good days…."

He shook his head slowly. "I wish I'd known her that way. I wish I could remember those things. I feel like I'm meeting my mother for the first time. And I feel like meeting my "real" mother is changing me….or at least challenging me to think about who I might have become if she hadn't been ill. But I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. JJ, I've never been so confused in my life."

JJ wondered if he was struggling to find a self that had been buried in layers of fallout from his childhood. She supposed that was true of everyone, but knew that Reid carried heavier layers than most. Briefly, she flashed on how Henry might be affected by decisions she was making during his childhood.

"Spence, I can't pretend to know what it's like to be dealing with all of this. But I do know that I think enough of the person you have become to have chosen you as a role model for my son, to be his godfather. Maybe things would have been different for you if your mother had been healthy…but that's not what happened. Maybe it was all the hardship you endured that made you so strong. Maybe that's what helped you get past what happened with Tobias Henkel and," shaking her head and looking away, "what happened afterwards."

He'd never thought of himself as being strong….in fact, had viewed the whole Tobias Henkel incident as a sign of his weakness. Was especially ashamed of having fallen into the weakness of addiction. He was sure JJ knew that, and yet…

"You don't believe me, do you, Spence? About being strong, I mean. I'm not talking about kicking down doors like Morgan. I'm talking about strength of character. You were driven into an addiction by a madman. You brought yourself out of it by the strength of your own will. That's the person that Diana Reid shaped. That's the person I want my son to know. And if that person came about because of Diana's illness, then I will be thankful for it."

Reid finally looked at her. He figured he had to be strong enough to do that, at least. "I didn't know you thought about it that way. I've always felt like I'd failed you….like I'd failed the whole team."

"No, Spence, you didn't fail us. You taught us."

JJ hadn't realized the depth of pain that Reid still held about that until she saw the look of relief and gratitude on his face. "JJ, I…."

They were interrupted by a little blond bundle of comic relief. Reid raised his eyebrows in a look that said, "How can he have slept for less than an hour and have all that energy?" And JJ, smiling, shrugged.

"Uncle Spence, you're still here!" Henry launched himself at Reid. "Wanna wrestle?"

Reid looked his trepidation at JJ. "Wrestle?"

"You know, roll around on the floor. He loves it when his dad does it with him." JJ choked down an unexpected sob at that. This was too new. She was only just beginning to realize all of the holes Henry might have in his life now that she and Will were separated. And given her conversation with Reid, she wondered how they would impact her son.

Reid saw JJ's emotional flash and decided he needed to learn to wrestle. So he laid his lanky body on the floor and caught Henry around his middle. The answering giggle told him he'd done exactly the right thing. Reid found it surprisingly natural to be able to roll and toss Henry about while still protecting him from smacking his head on anything. He found himself joining Henry in laughter.

JJ watched both of them with fondness…..and gratitude to Reid for trying so hard to fill in. He actually looked like he was enjoying himself.

When the match broke up for some cookies and milk, Reid settled himself back on the couch. He felt something he couldn't remember feeling before. He mused that, in the course of his life, he'd experienced enjoyment, amusement, excitement…but today, just now with Henry, he'd had fun.