Echoes

Chapter 3

"Uncle Spence," Henry's little voice almost sounded like a chipmunk through the phone. "Can you come over and play today? Mommy says you had fun with me yesterday. She said you might be sad, but you weren't sad, were you, Uncle Spence? Mommy says I'm good for you. Can you come over?"

JJ grabbed the phone from him. She'd taught him how to dial 911 and a few other programmed numbers, but she didn't realize he'd take it upon himself to start making calls. And leave it to a four year old to divulge their private conversation. She made a note to herself to watch what she said in front of her son.

"Hi, Spence. I'm sorry, I didn't realize he had the phone. Yet another object I need to put where exploring little hands can't find it. Anyway, I'm so sorry we bothered you. "

Reid was chuckling. "I can't remember a nicer wake up call than the one I just got. But can I take a rain check for today? I don't have any food in the house and I need to get laundry done….you know."

She also knew that he needed more alone time than most, but would never use that as an excuse. "Of course, Spence, I didn't really mean for him to monopolize your time. Maybe we can plan for something next weekend. He'll be fine-it will give him something to look forward to."

Reid remembered something Henry had said. "JJ, what did he mean about me being sad?"

"Oh, I'd told him you might seem a little sad when he saw you yesterday, because your mom had gone away. I should have planned ahead on that, because it ended up being a whole discussion about how people go to heaven and we don't see them again for a long, long time. And I hadn't quite prepared myself, so I don't know how well it went. We've never lost anyone close before, so Henry has had no experience with it." She paused. "He may ask you some questions about it, Spence. Be forewarned. I'm sorry if that makes things difficult."

"Not to worry, JJ. I'm not sure I understand the whole thing myself. Maybe Henry can teach me something."

"He teaches me more and more every day. Sometimes lessons I didn't know I needed to learn," she mused. "Anyway, relax today and I'll see you tomorrow. Unless you're in the mood for chili dogs, which is what we're having tonight."

"Mmm, tempting. We'll see. Thanks, JJ. Bye."

Reid spent the bulk of the day accomplishing his chores, but found time to visit the journals again. He'd virtually fast forwarded through his time in high school because those memories were already too fresh and raw, and he hadn't wanted to relive them. But before that he'd found himself stopping at the point where his father had left them. After all these years, he still couldn't understand how William Reid had thought he could leave an eleven year old boy living alone with a mentally ill parent. That one decision had so shaped his life. He hoped his mother's journal entries could offer some insight.

He turned a page that looked deformed, as though it had once been wet. He noticed the scattered distribution of the changes in the paper-and was struck with a mental image of his mother's tears falling on the page.

"'Lost time'. Whoever created that term didn't know about journaling. Today, I am feeling almost myself. And I'm wondering where the past few weeks have gone. Until I open this journal. There, I find the answer. The fury visible in the depth of the pen strokes, the fear in the shakiness of the letters. This other woman I become when my mind fails….I know her only through what she writes. And it is so full of sickness, and suspicion, and venom. How can that be me? Please, God, take this away from me. Please, take it away from my son. Spencer must be so confused, so hurt by who I become. How can a child live with this?"

At the same time that he felt devastated by her despair, Reid found himself admiring the quality of the writing. She might have been an accomplished author, had her mind remained intact. He was beginning to feel as though his own personality was split, between the grieving son and the dispassionate reader.

"William is gone. I can't believe he left me alone with a child. Or, really, that he left a child alone with me. Today must be a good day for me if I can actually realize the folly of that. I love Spencer with all my heart. I find I can't let him go at the same time that I realize I must let him go. But William has told me he can't care for a child, and he can't care for me. How do I protect Spencer from that?"

Reid found an old anger growing within. The adult Spencer was feeling protective of the child he'd been.

"How does a parent reject his own child? How do I keep Spencer from feeling he is not worthy of his father's love? Especially when my journal tells me that he's been lacking in mine as well? Am I asking a young child to raise himself? How do I make sense of all of this?"

Reid felt a deep bond with his mother there. Mom, even with all of my degrees and experience, I don't think I'll ever understand it. Meeting up with his father again during the Riley Jenkins case had done nothing to shed light on his behavior.

Moving forward a little bit, Reid encountered his mother in a dilemma. "The school called child services. One of Spencer's teachers realized he'd been forging my signature on his report cards and permission slips. Apparently they called and I wasn't coherent. Today they made an "unannounced visit"….and it was one of my good days! Spencer was very nervous around them. He made every effort to make our life seem normal. I can tell he's terrified he'll be taken away. On this kind of day, when my mind is clear, I wonder if that wouldn't be best for him. Having a mother like me must be so frightening. And yet he doesn't want to leave me. I am beginning to realize that it is not himself for whom he is afraid, but me. He feels like he needs to be here to take care of me. My God, what did I do to deserve so much love from my son?"

He'd never realized she'd understood so much. Her "clear days", as she called them, had become fewer and less lasting as her illness evolved. And with that devolution, her insight as to his needs dissolved. There was no more talk of reaching out to child services, no more journaling about the need to care for Spencer. There were fewer coherent entries and more that reflected her paranoia and psychosis.

Reid had never realized she'd considered "saving" him. He'd only known her need, and his need to fill it. He couldn't help but wonder how his life would have been different…how he would have been different, if he had lived with someone else. And then fell back into what was becoming a crisis of identity for him.

Reading on, he found the emotional turmoil of that time was returning. He knew he needed to take a break from the journals. As much as he loved his mother, delving into the way her mind worked was taking an almost physical toll on him.

It was easy to know what he needed to move away from. It took him more time to realize what he was feeling drawn to. Amazingly….because it had never been his forte…he realized he needed a "kid fix". He needed to be around Henry. To be around an embodiment of unconditional love and joy and enthusiasm. And, just maybe, he needed JJ. And then he felt a sudden craving for a chili dog… He picked up his phone.