Echoes

Chapter 4

Monday morning brought them a new case from Milwaukee. There was a possible serial who may have been operating for over a decade. A fresh female body had recently been discovered and, nearby, the remains of two others, also women, possibly dead as long as twelve years. There was very little else known, as the police had only now begun their investigation. They were being called in because of the recent killing, but were concerned about the paucity of information. They might have been called prematurely.

As they prepared to head for the plane, JJ approached Reid. "How is your leg?"

"You mean, from Henry giving me the "Hulk Hogan" routine?"

She laughed. "The very thing…..I was hoping he'd at least feel bad about it, but he thinks he's the next big thing to hit the WWE. I told Will I didn't want him watching that stuff."

"Well, I'm not limping, so I guess I'm okay." Teasing her, he added, "You know, maybe you could skip the whole college tuition thing. I hear wrestling is big money….."

She punched his arm. "Stop! Cease and desist! Do not put that into my son's head. I thought you were supposed to get him into Cal Tech!"

"For my little man, nothing is too good. Cal Tech it is." There was something she loved about hearing Spence call Henry "my little man".

She thought back to the night before. Henry had, indeed, asked Spence about his mother being in heaven. Spence had given JJ a wide-eyed "Help me!" look…..but then gone ahead and answered Henry himself.

"That's right, Henry. My mom was very sick…..and the doctors weren't able to make her better. " He saw the four year old concern on Henry's face and was touched when Henry laid a little hand on his arm to comfort him. Reid sought to reassure his godson with, "Mostly that only happens when people get old, Henry. It wouldn't happen to your mom." Henry looked content with that. "So God took my mom to heaven to live there. And when she got there, she was healthy again. She could do anything she wanted, just like when she was a young girl. She could laugh, and play and have fun."

Henry wasn't the only one smiling at that. Even as he'd said it, Reid found his own comfort in the image. JJ was looking through tears at both of them.

"I can't wait to go to heaven, Uncle Spence. Will you come with me?"

On the plane, with no further information forthcoming, they each busied themselves.

JJ was reviewing some paper consults. She'd noticed that Reid had carried one of his mother's journals on board with him, and stole a few looks in his direction as he read. Last night, after Henry had been put to bed, Reid had shared with JJ a little about what he'd been reading. She'd noticed him visibly suppressing his emotions about it, obviously afraid of being overcome. As much as he was reaching out to her, he still didn't know how to let go. And he clearly didn't want to be divulging any of it to the rest of the team. So she was a bit concerned to see that he'd brought a journal on board the plane. And not at all surprised when she saw the emotion surface.

As she watched him, JJ saw Reid go pale and turn to the window as his lips began to tremble. He started biting his lower lip in what she thought was an effort to keep himself from crying. She got up and moved to the seat next to him.

"What?" she asked.

Silent, he replied by handing her the journal.

"Spence, I don't know that I should be reading these."

He didn't trust himself to speak. He looked at her, and then pointed at the entry. She followed his direction, and read.

"Someone, please, help me! There's a man in my house, I don't know him, he frightens me! He won't leave me alone! He claims he's my son! Help me! I don't have a son! Help me, please, help me!"

JJ's stunned eyes looked at Reid. He'd closed his own eyes and was barely holding himself together. She looked down and read on to the next few days' entries. Eventually found one that broke her heart…..and, she was sure, had broken Reid's.

"Today is the worst day of my life. Today my son, my heart, has betrayed me. He's rejected me, had me taken from my home. The son who I thought loved me, has erased me from his life. I have no reason to have a life of my own any longer. I want to die."

Now JJ was pale. Poor Spence. As much as she'd tried to imagine it, she'd had no idea what he'd lived through. She prayed she'd be able to support him through this, knowing that he wasn't about to share it with anyone else.

It clearly wouldn't be possible to discuss this on the plane, so she gave him a surreptitious squeeze of his hand and looked her love to him as earnestly as she could.

"Let me hold on to this for now, okay?", she said, referring to the journal.

His eyes were wet, but no tears were falling. He nodded his assent. He needed to be removed from it for a while.

Upon landing, Hotch sent Reid and Morgan to the dump site, and Rossi and Prentiss to the newest victim's home. He joined JJ at the police station to set up.

JJ was reminded of how skilled a profiler Hotch was when he asked, without any other reference, "Is he all right?"

She gave him a steady look. "I've got him. He'll be okay."

That was enough for the unit-chief-of-few-words. JJ hoped she was right.

The day proved to be frustratingly long. Victimology was limited because the identity of the older remains had not yet been determined. The fresh victim been identified, but had never been reported missing. It seemed she was in her first year of teaching the second grade, newly moved from Racine. The dump site was half under water with a heavy spring rain. The team adjourned to their hotel in the early evening, hoping for a more fruitful day tomorrow.

"Hi Henry! Mommy misses you so much!" JJ told him after Garcia handed him the phone. They'd worked it out that Henry would do as many overnights as possible with Garcia whenever JJ had to be away. His preschool and a long time sitter would suffice during the days.

"Mommy! Did you know? I caught a frog today!"

"Wonderful, Henry. But I hope you let him go again."

"Miss Amy said I couldn't bring him in the classroom. So I played with him and then he hopped away. I think he wanted to go play with the other frogs."

"Right you are, Buddy. Are you having a good time with Auntie Penelope?"

"She's letting me play a game on the computer….and I'm winning!"

"Good for you! When you finish this game, I want you to brush your teeth and then go to bed. I'll ask Auntie Penelope to read you a story…..unless you want me to 'read' you Little Star?"

"Both, Mommy. Little Star and Auntie Penelope." The kid should be in sales, JJ thought.

"All right, please put her on the phone."

"Hi,Jayje. Don't worry about a thing, we're having a great time. How's the case going? I know I wasn't able to provide much info."

"Thanks, Pen. You know how much I appreciate this. The case isn't going so well. We're at a bit of a standstill. If something doesn't break tomorrow, I think Hotch may decide to bring us home and have them call us back out when they're further into the investigation. I know he doesn't like doing that, but he also needs to be accountable for how we use our time. I definitely don't envy him that part of his job."

"You and me both. Here's your little four year old funny bunny, ready for his story."

After she'd 'read' to him, JJ said her good nights. Alone in her room, she missed her son acutely. She wondered again if she'd done the right thing separating from Will. She'd never wanted for Henry to have a fragmented family. Yet something deep inside told her that was exactly what he would have had if she and Will had stayed together. Or maybe, not fragmented…..but definitely not whole.

The subject matter turned her thoughts to Reid. They hadn't had an opportunity to talk alone after arriving in Milwaukee, and she was sure he needed it. She knocked at his door, but received no answer. He might just not feel like company. But JJ went with her intuition and decided to call his cell. His answer on the first ring told her he needed her. But, typically, hadn't called her.

"I'm in the lounge, in front of the fireplace. I was freezing in my room."

JJ wasn't sure if it was the cold spring rain or Reid's state of mind that was affecting him. She went down and found him on a sofa, in front of a blazing gas fire. Soft jazz played in a nearly empty lounge behind him.

She sat next to him, drawing her knees up and wrapping both arms around them. Without preamble, he said, "Stupid."

She looked a question at him.

Shaking his head disgustedly, "It was stupid of me to bring that on the plane. I should have known better."

"Well, you have probably made better decisions."

"I lived through it, I didn't think reading about it would affect me so much."

JJ thought for a while, and then thought she knew how to explain. "When I was serving as our unit liaison, I walked with families through some of the worst days of their lives. I think being with them in their crises made them feel a little bonded to me. Some of them stayed in touch afterwards. And every one of those families told me that it got so much harder, more overwhelming, after everything was over…..even when we'd given them a good outcome. One of them told me what it was like. They said that, when they were in the crisis, it was like they could only see a few feet….or a few minutes….in front of them. They just kept putting one foot in front of the other, taking one step at a time, not knowing where they would end up, but trying desperately to hold on. When it was all over, they were able to see the whole of it, to take the whole thing in at once….and that, the whole of it, was overwhelming. "

She paused to let him think. "I wonder if that's what happened to you today. You took in the whole of it, from a completely different perspective from the young man you were."

He was quiet for a while, listening to the jazz, comfortable with her in front of the fire.

"She didn't know me…..didn't even know who I was. She was so afraid. And so was I." He shifted in his seat. "And when she did recognize me again, she hated me. I had to get help for her, JJ, I couldn't let her live like that. I couldn't live like that."

"Spence, remember what she told you just before she died….. that you'd done the right thing. And when you look at the journal again," she'd read a bit more of it in her room, "I think you'll see that she forgave you even then. She really did understand, and she thought you were right."

He took a moment to absorb that, flashed her grateful eyes.

"I still wish there had been another way…I wish it had all been different." He drew himself up. "It's getting late, I should probably let you get some sleep. Did you talk with Henry?"

"He asked for a good night kiss over the phone and," with a twinkle in her eye, "wanted me to give one to Uncle Spence too."

Uncle Spence's ears turned bright red. And then so did his cheek, when the good night kiss was delivered.

He gave his shy half smile and said goodnight. "And keep the journal for now, JJ, please. I think I should concentrate on the case."

"No journal for you until we get home. On the plane, we only play gin."

"Why is it always gin, with you?"

"I once beat a genius at gin!"