.

HEAR NO EVIL. SEE NO EVIL. SPEAK NO EVIL.

.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination. Merlin belongs to the BBC and the song lyrics to Lifehouse.

.

.

Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And god I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

.

(Lifehouse – Trying)

.

There have been numerous times when I have wished the hours away. Times before tournaments and feasts were I have yearned for the sun to move faster across the sky, for a new day to dawn quicker. It never did. If anything the more I desired it the slower each second seemed to pass, making each hours feel like a lifetime. Now when all I pray for is for time to still, to go in reverse, I am rewarded with my past wish, as the sun seems to race across the sky in what feels like the blink of an eye.

I have spent the last few days in my chambers, secluded and alone. The only one who disturbs me is my beautiful Guinevere. Three times a day she brings in a tray of food for me and watches and waits until I have eaten at least a few bites. But food holds no interest to me. It cannots fill the gaping hole in my very being which has been ripped open by my manservant.

I am at a loss.

I do not know what to do.

In all the years I have known that he has magic I have never thought to formula a plan of action for this scenario happening. At the beginning I had believed I could change him, teach him that magic was evil and convince him to change his ways. But as time continued I realised that it would be impossible. So silently I had locked away the knowledge in the depths of my mind, determined to play ignorant to the reality of the situation. I turned a blind eye to every mysterious disappearance pretending to believe the feeble excuse that my manservant was a frequent visitor to the tavern. But I knew he was hardly able to hold a pint of ale, let alone drink for days. I begrudgingly took credit for the amazing feats the whole of Camelot believed I had achieved, knowing that Gaius had said only magic could stop them and therefore it was Merlin who deserved credit.

For years I played my part the best I could, and when after my father had passed away and I became king, I came to a decision. Over the years the love and devotion Merlin showed me had changed my perspective on magic and its users. How could one so innocent and self sacrificing as him be evil? It was not possible. I am aware that it is Merlin who is the old buffoon Dragoon the Great and that he is also Emrys. I know that my father's death was of Morgana's doing. But at the time I was angry, mad that he could not save him and I lashed out. Still I came to my decision and with every chance I had I showed those who used magic more mercy. Slowly I tried to alter the indoctrinated minds of my people. I tried to show them that my father's rants and prejudices against those with magic were wrong and ill-founded. I know that I was taking my time doing it, but I am not the fool many believe me to be. Had I just declared magic legal seemingly out of the blue then there would have been uproar. I many have been brought up as a warrior, but I know politics. I know that for such a momentous change to take hold with minimal chaos that the transition must be staged, must have reason behind it.

By opening his mouth and breaking the seal which held together the crafted facade that concealed my ignorance, my manservant had destroyed my plan. He had destroyed all the foundations I had so carefully planted. Who now would believe that I had been working of my own freewill? Who now would not consider me a puppet, and a fool? He was not supposed to reveal his magic until after it was made legal to practice. He was supposed to be silent on the subject till then. He was not supposed to come to me now. He was meant to still be in the shadows living under the comfort of the pretence I had so long strived to maintain. Why could he not just follow the unspoken rules?

The door to my chambers opens and my sweet Guinevere enters carrying a tray with enough food for two.

"I thought that I would join you tonight and distract you from your mind." She gives me a smile as she places the food on the table and comes over to take my hands and more me towards it. "You should not be alone tonight my love. You have spent far too much time with just your memories for company."

She kisses me on the cheek and moves to sit opposite me. But I take hold of her wrist and pull her onto my lap. I realise that tomorrow is judgement day when Merlin will return. I find myself craving human contact and who better then the woman I love. We sit there in an embrace not speaking as I simply breathe in her scent and relax into the arms she has enclosed me in.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks, uncertain as to whether she should be attempting to broach this subject with me.

I shrug my shoulders and try to find the words to explain. But how do you explain it? How to find the words to express it all? In the end I settle for the truth, for honesty.

"I do not have the answers." I tell her. "I have pretended for so long, ignored the reality of the situation that know that the pretence is gone I am at a loss of how to act." Her eyes are full of sympathy but I can tell she is longing to ask me a myriad of questions she has no doubt formulated over the last few days. After a pause I give in to the beautiful brown eyes that seem to penetrate my soul. "Ask away."

She seems taken back by my granting her her unasked request and takes a moment to respond.

"Have you really known for four years?"

"Yes." I answer and then as almost an afterthought I add, "if I am honest I have known longer, I just did not admit it to myself before."

"How did you know?" I can tell this is a question she has been burning to ask more so then the previous.

"There were many things. But when I could deny it no longer?" I pause to think. "It was most likely when he freed the Great Dragon."

I hear her take a sharp intake of breath.

"But he would not have... He could not have... Arthur?" she questions in her confusion, looking for me to deny what I have just said. But instead I nod my head in confirmation of my words. "But if anyone found out he would be executed!" she exclaims.

And know she realises the true depth of my dilemma. It is not that Merlin possesses magic, but what he has done with his power that is crushing me as I strive to make a decision.

"Will you tell me everything?" Guinevere asks, penetrating through the spiral of questions I am about to absorb myself in.

I nod my head in acceptance and as the sun begins to set I take a deep breath and tell the women who holds my heart of all the secrets I have kept locked within my soul for so many years. Because I know I do not have all the answers.

But maybe, just maybe she does.

And as the hours pass by and the night passes to bring the dawn of the fourth day I know that it is now or never.

I need to just try and figure out the right path.

As if knowing she is losing me to my thoughts again Guinevere's voices a whole new problem. One I have avoided thinking on.

"You don't hate Merlin for hiding all of this from you for so long do you? I mean had he told you all those years ago would you have acted differently?"

Would I have?

Honestly?

"I don't know" I answer aloud.

But inside my whole being is screaming 'YES!' that it is the betrayal of trust which has me so undone.

.

.

Authors Note: Ok I'm really sorry this took so long but real life has been getting in the way. Anyway I hope it was worth the wait. Hopefully the next chapter won't take me so long.

Please leave me a review and let me know what you thought.