Warnings: Strong language and very mild smut.

The shock of Derek's words left Spencer dizzy, and it took him a moment to realize he had stopped breathing. He didn't hear footsteps and Derek didn't speak another word, clearly frozen in anticipation of Spencer's response. If he had any idea what to say it would have made the situation much easier to handle. As it was, he only knew one thing: he was pissed. He was totally, thoroughly, unequivocally pissed.

"Why would you do such a thing?" When Spencer finally spoke his voice sounded weak, even to his own ears. He was still in partial disbelief.

He heard Derek sigh but the older agent didn't move. "I knew you wouldn't be happy with my decision."

"Damn straight, I'm not happy with it! Now can you at least tell me why you did it? What in the world possessed you to do something so completely stupid?"

"Hey, I know you're not supportive, but it is my decision," Derek's was becoming defensive. "I have seen too many people get hurt, too many people suffer, I just needed to get away."

"For how long?"

"I…don't know."

"Well at least you didn't just leave a note and take off like Gideon did," Spencer's voice was biting. That loss had cut him deep, and he never had gotten over it completely. Derek knew that.

"I would never take off without telling you," the older agent promised. "I swear."

"You are still not giving me a good reason for you decision. People get hurt every day, Derek. You know that. We both know that. But you also know how many people you have saved, and protected. You can't give up on that."

"Maybe it's not about the people out there," Derek's voice was low and it sounded as though he had turned away. "Maybe it's about…"

"The team?"

"Yes."

Spencer paused and he could feel the knot in his stomach growing. "This is about what happened to me, isn't it?" he said softly.

"Not…just what happened with the cave in," Derek said, "but yes that is part of it." He sighed. "There's more though. What about when Emily was almost killed by Ian Doyle? What about when Penelope was shot? What about when you were held hostage by Tobias Henkel, or when you were exposed to Anthrax…"

"Are you kidding me right now?" Spencer jumped to his feet. "You can't seriously blame yourself for everything that happens to us. How can you possibly expect to be everywhere at once, or know what is going to happen before it does?"

He heard the bang of Derek's fist on the counter top and jumped. "I could have stopped you from going into that cave with me in the first place!"

"Like hell you could have!" Spencer stalked across the kitchen toward the sound of Derek's voice. He stopped when he felt the older agent rest his hands gently on his shoulders. Spencer shrugged him off harshly. "I know this may shock you to know, Derek, but I am an adult and I am capable of making my own decisions. I am…was…a field agent." His voice dropped at the end, an ache in his heart as he realized he would likely never be with his team in the field again.

"I know," Derek said. "I know you are capable of taking care of yourself. But my guilty conscience doesn't understand that, okay? I just need time away from the BAU. This is just what I need to do."

"You know, I may be the one who can't see but it seems like you're wallowing in more self-pity than I am." If Spencer could have seen Derek's face he would have wanted to slap it just now. This man was a moron if he couldn't understand how much the team needed him.

"Look, you may not understand this…"

"Damn right I don't."

"…but it's something I need to do."

"Why, so you can spend all of your time taking care of poor, invalid Spencer because it was your fault I was buried in a pile of rocks?"

"You know I want to take care of you, but that's not all of it."

"Well so far every excuse you've given me is bullshit," Spencer snarled. "In what possible universe could our team be better off without you than with you?"

"That's not…"

Spencer's heart pounded painfully against his ribs. "You are being incredibly, unbelievably selfish."

"Hey!"

"Shut up," he walked closer until he could feel Derek's body heat just before him. "You are. Not only are you putting the team in more danger by not being with them…" he swallowed hard against a lump in his throat and realized that tears were threatening to bubble to the surface. "But you are walking away from something you are lucky enough to be a part of. Do you get that Derek?" He swallowed again. "You get to be a part of that team because you are strong and smart and in perfect health. Do you understand how lucky that makes you? How fucking lucky you are?" His voice was rising and he was embarrassed to feel hot tears spill over onto his cheeks.

"Spencer…"

"I'm still talking," he snapped. "You're being an asshole. Do you have any fucking idea what I'd give to be back on the team right now?" That was the heart of it, and as he spoke the words he felt the crushing weight of his own grief. His voice was shaking despite his determination to stay strong. "Do you? Because more than anything in the world I want to be at the BAU with the team. I want to be out in the field, helping people, but I can't because I can't fucking see and I probably won't ever again!"

"Spencer!" Derek caught him by the arms. "You don't know that!"

"Well whatever happens in the future, the truth right now is that I want to be there and I can't, and you could be and you won't. How the fuck can you reason that out Derek? It doesn't make any sense. I'm a fucking genius, and I don't understand it."

"It's not fair," Derek said, trying to pull him close. "I know it's not fair."

Spencer resisted, instead reaching out with the side of his fist and beating it against Derek's chest. He knew he wouldn't do much damage but it was at least a channel for his rage. "You get to be with the team and I don't," he said, hammering at Derek with his fist again. "You get to be in the field, and I don't. You get to help people and I don't. It's what I want more than anything in the world right now and you are just walking away. I don't understand it, Derek! I don't!"

"I'm sorry," Derek's voice sounded truly pained and he tried to pull Spencer close once more. "I'm sorry for what happened to you."

"Don't be sorry for that!" Spencer shouted, lashing out again, this time with both fists. "And you shouldn't be apologizing to me, you should be apologizing to Hotch, and Emily, and JJ, and Garcia, and Rossi." He hit him with both fists again. "You selfish prick!"

"You're right," Derek suddenly gasped out. "You're right. I know, I know I'm being selfish. I can't help it right now." It sounded as though tears were threatening his voice as well. He tugged Spencer gently again and this time the younger man let himself be maneuvered, until they were almost chest to chest. "I'm sorry," he said again, more quietly this time, and Spencer swallowed back a sob. "I'm sorry for…for being selfish. I'm sorry for leaving the team. I'm sorry for turning my back on the one thing you want more than anything else, and can't have." He crooked a finger under Spencer's chin. "But I'm not sorry for wanting to take care of you."

"You saved me," Spencer said quietly, against the tears. "I can't ask you for anything else. I just want you to be happy, Derek. That's all I want. And I don't think you'll be happy if you walk away from the BAU."

Derek sighed and he leaned forward until his forehead was pressed against the younger man's. Spencer felt himself stiffen for a moment at the sensation, and then relax against him. "I'll think about it, okay?" Derek whispered. "Can you accept that…at least for a while?" He reached up and cupped Spencer's cheek.

"Okay," Spencer finally murmured, although it still felt like a fist was gripping his heart. "Since I'm a genius I know you'll agree with me eventually."

Derek chuckled, at last breaking some of the tension. "That you are, pretty boy. And I will always, always, trust you. But can you trust me as well?"

Spencer felt Derek's breath warm on his face and adrenaline shot through his body. "Yes," he murmured. It was all he could manage to say.

"You trust me?" Derek said again, softer this time.

Spencer swallowed hard, then licked his lips nervously. "Yes."

"Good."

Derek leaned forward and Spencer felt the sudden sensation of the older agent's lips on his own. He almost uttered a protest but held it back, instead falling into the kiss. He was unable to fight the desire that was suddenly burning through his veins, a desire that he didn't even know had existed until now. Had Derek known? He must have. But for how long?

Derek deepened the kiss, nudging Spencer's lips apart with his own, and their tongues mingled gently. Spencer found himself capturing Derek's face in his hands, suddenly willing to give himself over to reckless abandon. He had not had much experience with kissing, that was true, but he had enough to know that Derek was very, very good at it.

His heart was pounding with nervous energy now. Was this really happening, or was it some kind of crazy hallucination? He felt Derek's fingers carding through his hair and then gripping the locks. He gasped out in surprised pleasure and Derek's lips smiled against his own. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy, their earlier argument forgotten as quickly as it had started. Only this moment mattered now, and Spencer felt as though he was floating.

Then it all went wrong.

He felt a sudden stab of pain in his head, there and then gone within an instant, and he couldn't help but flinch. Derek pulled back in concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…yeah I'm fine." He leaned back in again, but as soon as their lips met the pain seared through him. This time he cried out and put a hand to his head. Then it was gone.

"Spencer, what's wrong?" he could tell Derek was worried now.

"I…don't know." Another flash of pain, this one excruciating, made Spencer's knees buckled and Derek caught him under the elbows before he went down.

"Spencer?"

"I…" he couldn't finish his thought. He was suddenly caught in mind numbing agony, and he let out a scream that mirrored the sensation inside his head. He had never felt pain like this before, not even when he had been in the midst of those terrible migraines, and this time it didn't subside. "Derek!" he said the name on an uncontrollable sob as he felt himself fall.

"Spencer!" Derek had him around the waist now and was sinking to the floor alongside him.

He couldn't tell if he was sitting, or lying on the ground, right side up or upside down, all awareness gone except for the unrelenting, searing agony. "Derek…help…" he thought he said the words aloud but he could have been wrong. "Oh, God my head. I'm dying." He was certain it was true. He grabbed at his hair, his hands in tight fists, wishing he could tear his skull open to release the pressure.

"Spencer…"

Was Derek speaking to him? It sounded as though the other agent was under water.

"…hospital right now…got you…"

He was pretty sure he was being lifted, and as the movement jarred his head he screamed in agony.

"I'm so sorry..."

He was moving. They were moving. Derek had him, everything was going to be fine. Even knowing this he couldn't stop the sobs that now wracked his body and he pressed his face into the fabric of Derek's shirt. He heard a door slam and the jolting of quick footsteps and the world reeled. Oh, god, he was going to pass out. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe he should.

"…hang on…hang on…"

Derek's voice was fading and he felt like he was floating, this time not at all like the pleasure of their earlier kiss, but like he was suddenly outside of his body. His head rolled against Derek's chest and he couldn't stop the movement.

"…going to be okay…"

Just let go, he told himself. Maybe he would never wake up again, but at least the pain would be gone, and he would do anything to be free of that right now. He tried to say Derek's name…he wanted to say he was sorry, because he knew the older agent would be pretty damn pissed if he didn't regain consciousness, but he couldn't force the words past his lips.

"…hang on…"

Derek was so far away now.

"…Spencer…"

Sorry, he thought. And then he knew nothing more.

TBC