Warning: references to Seeing Red in this chapter. Nothing that goes into detail, it's just talked about. Just thought i'd let you know beforehand its at the very end of the chapter, after they're in his crypt and kissing

Chapter 16

It's been almost a month since that night in the graveyard when I tried to make a move on Spike and he told me no. Thanksgiving is two days away. At this point, I am beyond sexually frustrated. There has been lots of kissage since then, and lots of handsy stuff. When that man uses his hands, I get myself a happy within moments. For a guy that's only ever been with one other person, he sure knows what he's doing when it comes to foreplay, but we haven't actually done the deed yet. For one reason or another, he keeps putting me off, he has to be running out of excuses soon. It's enough to give a girl a complex, like is there a reason he doesn't want to sleep with me? Am I doing something wrong? I mean I know technically I've only had one sexual experience, but that's only with this body. In my mind, I'm a grown woman and I have needs. I think I'm going to have to stop beating around the bush with him and just ask him what the problem is.

Since I've been so frustrated, I've thrown myself into my Slayer work. So far we've avoided a lot of the pain that happened during my freshman year of college. Oz is still here, he and Spike have become friends and hang out at the Bronze together playing pool. Since Oz likes him, Willow has really given him a chance and she decided she likes him too. I wonder how she'll react when she learns he knows a few ancient languages? He hasn't had to use them yet because we already knew how to solve the problems that happened this year so far.

We've been hanging out a lot, especially after he told me that he found the Gem of Amara. It's great that we can do things during the day now. He still looks uncomfortable in the sun though, like he doesn't trust that it won't burn him. I get it, even though he logically knows it's safe, it's probably going against all his vampiric instincts to walk around in the sun and be up during the day.

Giles is the most uncomfortable around him, I'd say Giles is acting civil at best. Spike is doing what he always does, being snarky in the face of adversity. If someone doesn't like him, he responds by being a jerk to them. If someone's nice to him, he's nice right back. Speaking of Giles, he's tried to pull me aside several times to tell me I'm spending too much time with 'that thing'. Let's just say I didn't take that too well.

Flashback

"Buffy, can I speak to you in private for a minute," Giles says more than asks, then walks away before I can respond. I look around at the group, Tara, Willow, Oz, Dawn, Mom, and Spike look just as surprised as I do at his brusque manner.

"Uh sure, I guess," I say as I get up to follow him.

"What's the what, oh Watcher, mine?" Uh oh, that's not a good sign, he's taking off his glasses to clean before he even starts talking.

"Buffy, I understand that Spike is important to the future and he will help save the world. I also understand that he needs to be a part of these meetings which makes him feel like he's a part of our team. I feel as though you are losing sight of what he really is. This vampire, this thing is nothing but a tool to utilize to get the result we want. You cannot forget that this thing does not have feelings, nor a soul. It is not a person, it is a creature that is somehow now leashed to the side of good. You are spending too much time with it. I worry that you are starting to think of it as a person, starting to enjoy its company, starting to think it cares about you. You and I both know that's just not possible. There is no way fo…"

"Now I'm just going to stop you right there Giles. There you go living by Council teachings again. There's no way you can think someone as expressive as Spike doesn't have emotions. You would have to be willfully ignorant to honestly think that. Hell, last year I gambled his love for Drusilla with people's lives, that group of vampire followers, remember? I had Drusilla trapped and I could have staked her. I told him if he wanted her to get out of the situation alive, or undead, he had to let everyone go. And he did because he loved her that much. So you know that is bullshit." I can tell he is surprised because I rarely curse "So stop lying to yourself, and trying to get me to lie with you. Just because Angelus is the worst being that we ever met, doesn't mean he doesn't feel. If he didn't get enjoyment from the evil he was doing, he wouldn't do it. That is a feeling. If he didn't like being evil he wouldn't be. If he had no emotions then all he would do is kill to survive, but no he tortures his victims because apparently, torture makes him happy. If those aren't emotions, I don't know what is.''

"Be that as it may Buffy, you are still relying on him too much."

"Are you really just going to act like you didn't hear what I just said? 'Be that as it may' is just stuffy British talk for 'you're right but I'm going to pretend you're not'. Giles, remember when I told you, I need you to trust me as the Slayer or you can't be a part of my team? Well, it's time to put your money where your mouth is'," and I walk away before he has a chance to respond.

End of flashback

Ever since then Giles has been weird around me. Like he doesn't know how to act. Or he doesn't know who I am anymore. Which is fair I guess, I've changed a lot in the last three years and even more after Spike burned… No, I can't think about that right now. I changed a lot since Sunnydale turned into a crater. When that happened I had to face a lot of hard truths and it changed the way I have to look at the world a lot. But still, how many times do I have to tell him to trust my judgment and he agrees until he actually does? I guess all I can do is wait and hope he one day actually does learn to trust me.

Willow, Oz, Spike, and I have gone on three double dates. Well, Willow and Oz don't actually know they're double dates because I haven't actually told them I'm with Spike, but we all hang out a lot and everyone is getting along. Oh no, I just thought of something, am I falling back into my old ways? Am I hurting Spike by not actually telling people that we are together? Who am I kidding? Of course, I'm hurting him. I'm not keeping it a secret because I'm embarrassed or disgusted being with him, hell I'm not keeping it a secret at all. I just didn't want to push Spike on the Scoobies too hard too fast. I didn't want people asking questions about how we went from enemies to lovers in one day. (Even though we're not technically lovers yet, sadly.) But it's been long enough I have to tell them, it's not fair to Spike to keep it a secret.

It was pretty awkward when we went to the bar Xander was working at to make sure that bad batch of beer didn't get sold. I feel so bad all the time because I know Xander wants to come back into our group, but how am I supposed to rely on someone I don't trust? Maybe I can give him one more chance? Maybe he'll finally understand how serious I am? How much honesty will I need if our friendship can continue? Yeah, I think I'll give him one more chance. I'll go see him tomorrow. I can be Forgiving Buffy, they all forgave me when I ran away to LA after I sent Angel to hell. If I said that to Spike he'd get mad at me, say something like 'You don't need their forgiveness for that, you did what you had to do and you're allowed to get away if you need to' but that's just not how I see things. I had a duty and I tried to run away from it. He thinks I'm too hard on myself, but sometimes I think I'm not hard enough.

Anyway, I have dinner with my three favorite people tonight, then after that, I'm going out with Spike, he has something planned but he won't tell me what it is, maybe tonight is finally the night? God I hope so, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I've spent a lot of time getting to know Tara, it's great knowing her as more than just 'Willow's girlfriend'. She's a great person, and we hang out outside of Scooby meetings all the time. She can be really funny if you give her a chance and when she gets past her shyness. Spike's already taken to calling her Glinda again. It got me thinking, and I don't know if it's fair that I'm keeping Willow and Tara apart. I mean they loved each other a lot and even though it ended horribly, and Willow did horrible things to Tara in their relationship, sleeping with her after the forgetting spell comes to mind. Maybe it should be their choice to make? I have to think about this more.

Anya and I have hung out a time or two also. She was surprised that I wanted to have coffee with her because she thought I looked at her as just Xander's girlfriend and didn't understand why I would want to talk to her if Xander and I were fighting. It took me a while to get her to understand that I like her for her and it has nothing to do with Xander being my friend or not. I was talking to her about how Spike hasn't made a move yet and she gave me a few ideas on how to get him to. If he doesn't try anything with me tonight, I just might use her advice.

Mhmm the food is yummy, like it always is when Spike and Mom cook together. Tonight we're having steak stir fry, one of my favorites, at least since they started cooking together and making new things. Thank goodness Dawn and I are no longer living on ham and cheese or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, like we were ever since Tara originally moved out.

"I swear you guys, you could open up a restaurant together and get a Mitchel's star."

"That's Michelin, Buffy," Mom corrected absently.

"Whatever, you know what I meant. I mean it, this is great! Just like all the other meals you made together this last month."

"Thank you, Buffy, that means a lot. But I don't really think that can happen. With my art shop and being on your team there's no time. Oh! I forgot to tell you, I hired an assistant to work at the shop so I can spend more time helping you." Somehow that made me terrified, happy, and excited at the same time. I want all the time I can get with my mom, even though we've been back for over a month, it's still surreal and I feel like she can be ripped away from me at any time. On the other hand, I don't want her life to be any more dangerous than it has to be. I don't want her to beat the cancer, then a hell god gets to her. But she's being supportive, it's not like when we lived in LA and she put me in the psych ward when I talked about vampires, so I think it's best to be excited when she wants to know more about my life.

"That's great Mom, we'll need a lot of help in the next few years," is all I can manage without sounding fake.

"Right fine idea Joyce. From these flashes I get, things are going to be busy for a long while. Don't you lot think it's a good time to talk about the next set of evil coming our way? We made it past the first few so I don't know much 'bout what's coming next?" Sometimes I think he knows me too well. He knew I was uncomfortable, so he changed the subject to give me time to calm down. How could I not love him? The other women in the room look at him strangely, because he's usually not the one to bring stuff like that up, but I give him a grateful smile and he just winks in response.

"Oh yeah, good idea," Dawn finally stops eating and responds after taking one more bite, and takes out the diary she's taken to carrying around with her. I guess she really loves the meal too. "First those Chumash spirits at Thanksgiving, and the gentleman, then it's those guys trying to end the world, remember Buffy? You freaked out because of the earthquake and no one believed you that it meant anything? I think that's an easy fix, get the thing that Giles has in his house already that they need for the 'Sacrifice of Three' and destroy it. We have to make sure Giles doesn't go out for a drink with Ethan, I mean unless you think it's a good idea to let him turn into a demon for a while. If he's still giving you a hard time about Spike, maybe you can let him turn into a Fyarl demon and once we turn him back, we can ask him if he had any emotions while he was one, because we know he did. Then he can't use the excuse that demons don't have emotions anymore. Hmm, what's next? What's going on with the initiative, Buffy? Because Adam is going to wake up soon. And after that, we have to worry about Faith."

"Well, Riley asked around about 'The Slayer' and now knows who I am, but he doesn't believe that Walsh would really be up to anything that evil. In fact, he's trying to get me to come to the base to talk to Walsh because he thinks 'we can do great work together.' Plus he's still asking me out on dates every other time we talk, no matter how many times I deny him. Since the Council hasn't given me an answer about paying me yet, Giles hasn't been able to ask them. I think we're going to have to go the spell route, Tara is very nervous about it but she thinks she can do it. We're not going to do it the same way as last time though, I'm thinking about taking Riley up on his offer to meet Walsh, and doing it soon. Before Adam is awake, and doing the spell then. I'll use everyone's knowledge and strength to get to him and take out his power center. What do you guys think?"

"I think that's a great idea luv, but I know a thing or two about governments experimenting on demons, I've been through it before back in World War 2. That plan will stop their creature, but it won't stop them. They'll just start over if they need to. What we need to do is get the base shut down."

"That's a good point. Buffy, do you have any ideas on how to do that?"

"The only thing I can think of is the Council again. Maybe we should take Adam out, so we can give the Council more time to agree to pay me, that way they can't hold them taking the Initiative over my head? Unless we go in guns blazing."

"Well that's the best idea we have so far, but I think we should all keep thinking and trying to find a better idea. We don't even know if the Council has that type of power, maybe they can make the US military close down a whole unit, or at least move somewhere else," Dawn said honestly.

"That's a good point Bit, and since we're not willing to just take all the commandos down—" he stopped talking and looked around hoping to have someone tell him that we were willing to kill them all to get rid of the problem, obviously no one did. "Right, since we're not willing to kill them to stop them, we need to find a definite answer to our problem." Everyone rolled their eyes but otherwise ignored the fact that his solution to the problem was to kill the whole military squad. Once we're alone I think I'll have to explain to him why that's wrong. He might have a soul now so he has a conscience, but I don't think he always understands why something is wrong, he just knows it feels wrong now. I'm not as disgusted at that prospect as I used to be, I understand he isn't human, so for him killing humans isn't murder, it's eating. If I had guilt every time I ate a burger and thought I was murdering someone I wouldn't be able to eat burgers anymore. The difference is, I could survive if I didn't eat burgers, he can't survive without blood. And he might be able to get by on pig's blood, but he's a lot weaker and takes a lot longer to heal if he gets injured. Plus he told me when he's living on pig blood he's perpetually hungry, no matter how much he drinks, he's never full and always feels like he's slowly decaying. I don't want the man I love to go through that. So that's why getting him blood from the hospital is a good compromise.

"Are you almost ready to go patrolling luv?" Spike asks

"Yup, just let me change into my patrolling clothes, then I'll be ready," I say with a smile then head upstairs to change. Most of my training and patrolling clothes aren't that pretty, They get ruined all the time so I go for more cost efficient than style. But I want to look good tonight because Spike hinted he had something planned for after. So today I go for my new cute crop top and tight leggings along with my black boots. I look good if I do say so myself. When I get back downstairs I say goodnight to Dawn and Mom and head out to the graveyards. There weren't many suspicious obituaries today, so maybe it will be a quick night.

"It's a pretty night tonight, I hope we get a few good slays in, I'm feeling a little twitchy today," I said, and it's true I feel like I'm bursting with energy.

"I don't know love ever since I came to town and took up the mantle of master of Sunnydale, I made it clear to the minions that if they turn anyone they'll be dusted right along with their fledge. I don't know how much longer they'll let me stay Master though. Some of them already suspect I switched teams. Once they find that out, they'll turn against me right quick."

"Yeah, maybe you should just stop being Master right now. I don't want to put you in a dangerous situation just because you're helping me. Maybe if we let it be known that you have a soul and are a part of my team, they'll treat you like they used to treat Angel. They just kind of left him alone."

"No, they won't let it go like that. Once they find out they'll be after me. But I'm not worried, luv, so you shouldn't be either. There's a reason I'm the master, it's 'cause I'm the strongest. You know I love a good fight. Don't worry kitten, I'll be fine," he says then gives me a kiss before I can respond. I get lost in the kiss just like I always do, so I guess he can win this round. When the kiss finally ends, I bring something up that I've been thinking about for a while.

"Do you want to come to LA with me after Thanksgiving?"

"Why do you want to go there? Are you going to visit the poof?" He says 'the poof' like he's trying to keep himself from throwing up, which is a little crazy since he's a vampire.

"No, I want to go see the PTB's oracles. I have to figure out why my Slayer side is coming out and I have a few other questions I have to ask them too, like about your soul, and about why Dawn is older now. Although, now that I think about it, that will probably involve Angel. He had to help me get in last time," I say, not feeling too happy about that idea. "Unless I can talk to someone on his team… Doyle, I think is his name, he is how Angel found out about the oracles in the first , I think that's what I'll do. So, do you want to come?"

"Course I'll come with you love, I can drive us down there." I give him a big smile and we continue walking. After about a half hour of finding nothing to fight, Spike speaks up again.

"Not much seems to be goin' on out here tonight, feel like coming to my crypt for a little while?"

"Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!" Wow, that sounded a little too eager for my liking. Oh well, I take his hand and start talking in the direction of his crypt.

"Have you been able to sell the treasure yet?"

"No, well not all of it anyhow. The Gem isn't the only piece of jewelry that has mystical properties, so I have to find the right people to sell it to. The problem is, normally people sell stuff like this to the blokes at WRH but I have a feeling you wouldn't like that too much. But I'll find someone more reputable and less evil eventually. I did sell some of the regular pieces, but there's a lot more. Got some dosh now though. Oh, and I picked a few things you might like." By then we were walking up to his crypt door. When we get inside it looks great, it's obvious he was trying to make it look romantic. There were the candles that he always has placed strategically across the crypt along with flowers and a bottle of champagne in a chilling bucket on the side. It looked so great, I can almost forget that I'm in the middle of a graveyard.

"Wow Spike, this looks great! Did you do all this for me?" I ask with a smile, he rolls his eyes.

"No, it's for the other bird I'm planning on having over after you leave. Course it's for you, kitten. I got a nice new bed downstairs now. So you'll be much more comfortable here until I get a nice place." He says as he pours us each a glass of wine.

"Alcohol and I are very unmixey."

"It's not strong, and its sweet, I got a memory of you drinking shots and hating it, you'll like this much better luv"

"Okay, I'll take ONE glass, you better not be trying to get me drunk."

"Course not, pet. Do I seem like the type of bloke to try and corrupt a lady?" He says with a leer.

"I'm not even going to bother to answer that," I say reaching for the glass. He sits down next to me and takes a sip of his drink.

"I've never done this before, Buffy"

"Done what?"

"My relationship with Dru was very different. It was dark and intense and painful. not like that with you, I don't want to bollocks this up." I put my drink down and lean into him.

"You're doing good Spike, just don't go evil or try to hurt me and we'll be fine. If there's ever a time you're not sure what the right thing to do is, just ask me."

"Right," he says while he puts his drink down and then leans in to kiss me.

I make the kiss deeper and feel him start trailing his hands over my body, as he pushes me down so he's on top of me. I decide to return the favor and start to take off his shirt, but he grabs my hand.

"No you keep your hands here, I want to explore," he says and moves my hands on top of my head then he freezes. I open my eyes to look at him confusedly but realize he's at the other side of the crypt.

"Buffy, what was that?"

"Spike what's wrong?" I ask, now completely confused.

He doesn't answer right away. Instead, he takes his pack of cigarettes out of his duster, lights one, and starts pacing back and forth. My confusion is starting to turn into anger, and maybe a little insecurity, so I stand up and walk right in front of him.

"What the hell is your problem?!" He takes a few steps back, away from me. He looks almost… scared? Why? So I soften my voice and ask again.

"Spike, what's wrong?" I ask again.

"I got another flash of a memory," he says like that explains it all. Although, I think I'm starting to realize what's happening.

"Okay, and what happened in this flash?" I say taking a step closer to him but he just takes one more away, so I decide to go sit back down.

"Buffy, how could you be close to me, let alone touch me after what I did?" Dammit, I guess he knows about what happened in the bathroom. I have no clue how to explain this.

"Spike, yes you messed up. But you knew you did, that's why you went and fought for a soul. I'm not making excuses for you, but you don't know what that year was like, at least not really. I was just pulled out of heaven…" I trail off because he looks stricken at that, I guess I didn't tell him that part so I just continue. We can talk about that later I guess, "by my best friends, and you were the only person I felt comfortable around. You knew I had to dig myself out of my coffin, and when I was with you I felt okay, or at least better. But I hated myself that the only time I felt okay was when I was sitting in a graveyard with a soulless demon. And I took that out on you. I would hit you, call you every name in the book, then throw myself at you, and you just let me do it. Listen, I really don't want to go into details about that year. We both messed up and we both forgave each other and healed. When you came back, you again were the only one I could trust, everyone else betrayed me, and threw me out of my house in the middle of an apocalypse, but you were always there for me. Hell, you died for me. You, this Spike right in front of me, never hurt me like that. Please don't let this change things between us, that was one memory in a really messed up year, and I know that's not who you are. It wouldn't have happened if other things didn't, I forgave you a long time ago, it took you a lot longer to forgive yourself, I don't know if you ever did honestly. So can we please just move past it? I came back here for you, shouldn't that tell you how I feel about the situation? "

He stares at me for a long time, I can tell he's warring inside himself. He looks sad, hurt, angry, and dismayed, all aimed at himself. I give him a small smile, I want him to know I mean what I said and I just want to move past this. Finally, he gives me a nod and comes to sit down, he sits on the opposite end of the couch as me though, and he's making sure he doesn't touch me at all. I don't want him to be scared to touch me so I get up and turn the tv on. Then I make sure to sit right next to him when I sit back down and rest my head on his shoulder. He stiffens up for a few seconds then relaxes himself. That's how we spend the rest of the night, by the end he seems much more comfortable around me. I really wish he didn't get that memory back. Tomorrow I have to worry about Angel coming on Thanksgiving, and the Chumash spirits, it's about to be really busy around here.