Chapter 2 – Lady Myria LeJean
On a Wednesday in a deserted shed in the small Überwald town of Bad Schüschein, dust motes drifted despite a lack of air currents in the dirty room. Gradually, bits of matter coalesced in the middle of the floor. The result worked its way through some rather disturbing forms, and became a woman—a gray-clothed and exceedingly beautiful woman, surrounded by the gray shapes of other Auditors.
The body of Lady LeJean opened its mouth, and nothing came out. The body looked confused, made a few strange mewling noises, and then figured out how to inhale. That had been… very unpleasant… at least "unpleasant" seemed the correct word for what the body was telling the Auditor.
After a few hours of getting things under control, the body of Lady Myria LeJean drifted out of the shed and down the street to We-R-Igors. Drifted, not walked. Drifting required less control than walking, and the Auditors reasoned that as long as the clothing covered the lower extremities, the humans were unlikely to notice.
At We-R-Igors, the Auditor had interviewed Igor…well, an Igor. One was as good as another after all. When the Auditors were satisfied that, like Clockson, the Igor had the required skills, the body paid in advance in newly created gold. The contract included the provision that the Igor must leave for Ankh Morpork immediately. Igors being nothing if not accommodating, it crated itself up and had itself put onto the mail coach that very day.
That task completed, the body returned to the shed and proceeded to discorporate so that it could be reformed in Ankh Morpork. Curiously, the Auditor experienced some momentary malfunction at this point, a resistance before the process initiated. Minutes later, the shed was again empty.
In Ankh-Morpork, in another empty room, the process was the same, and the intermediate steps no less disturbing. However, this time the Auditor felt an almost physical snap as it took position as Operator. There was a feeling, the body told the Auditor as the process occurred. It decided that it was not a feeling it would categorize as desirable. Then another feeling, after the process was completed. This one could be put in the box labeled "familiarity". The Auditor tested out various functions, and decided that it was becoming easier to operate.
The other Auditors appeared again, and silently conferred with it.
We will now proceed with the plan, One said.
Another said, The body will need guards, both for appearances and to ensure nothing interrupts the plan.
The first visit to Clockson's shop was a success. The human reacted well to "Lady LeJean," and was fascinated by the challenge of building the clock. The Auditor found itself fascinated as well by the intricate mechanisms the clockmaker had scattered throughout his shop. The body's eyes somehow both limited perception and sharpened it, emphasizing aspects differently from the broader Auditor's perceptions.
There had been a few confusing moments as well. One occurred when it had introduced itself by extending its gloved hand, palm down. "We are Myria LeJean. Lady Myria LeJean." It did this because in observing humans, there seemed to be various protocols for using hands in greetings. This one required the least interaction. But in response Clockson held out his hand as well. Surely he could not imagine it would want to… interact physically. The thought was unpleasant.
One of the trolls, apparently having the troll equivalent of a genius IQ, broke the impasse.
"Der lady does not shake hands," it had said. "She are not a tactile kinda person."
Later, in another strange moment, the Auditor was demonstrating its superior knowledge. They had been discussing Xeno's Paradox.
"But Xeno came up with four paradoxes, I believe," the Auditor said. "They involved the idea that there is such a thing as the smallest possible unit of time. And it must exist must it not? Consider the present. It must have a length, because one end of it is connected to the past and the other is connected to the future, and if it did not have a length then the present could not exist at all. There would be no time for it to be the present in."
The result was strange. Instead of continuing immediately with the conversation, the clockmaker stopped. His mouth opened slightly and his eyes widened. Surprise, the body's brain hazarded. Then his face went strange, in a manner that the Auditor could not interpret at all, and the body was no help. The corners of the clockmaker's mouth turned up, though the mouth stayed open, the eyes did something strange, and the face reddened slightly.
Finally Clockson seemed to remember the conversation, and went on, but the reaction…gnawed at the Auditor. In the end, the Auditor handed over the book containing the story of the last time the clock had been made, paid a rather ridiculous sum of gold, and left with the troll guards.
The feeling, the Auditor decided, was one of satisfaction.
The body of Lady LeJean returned to the warehouse and discorporated. This time, the malfunction was more pronounced. The Auditor considered, filed it under 'feelings of discomfort' and noted that it had increased compared to the previous event. It also considered that staying embodied was becoming 'uncomfortable'. At least discorporated, the Auditor could observe what was going on without the increasing number of distractions it was experiencing.
The Auditors watched as the book, and Jeremy's own personality quirks, did their damage overnight.
The next day, the Igor arrived and things seriously began to happen. Each day the Auditor would check on the clock and note that it had moved further toward completion. Mr. Jeremy, as the Auditor began calling the human, was methodically working his way through the mechanisms required, which was satisfying.
Each day, changing from Auditor to Lady LeJean and back became more problematic, with increasing feelings of discomfort both when corporating and more so when discorporating.
By the following Wednesday, strange things were happening to the assembled pieces and to Mr. Jeremy's behavior, but the Auditor could not say why. It did not dwell on this, because the clock held its attention. Mr. Jeremy likewise seemed compelled to discuss the clock, but the human's face kept doing odd things, and it was causing strange reactions in the body. Finally the Auditor prepared to take its leave, and Mr. Jeremy smiled in a strange way and mumbled, "Um... I was wondering, um, your ladyship, um... perhaps, um, you would like to take dinner with me, um, tonight um..."
The words entered the air, reverberated, worked their way to the body's ears and set up their own vibrations. Hairs oscillated, nerves fired and sent signals racing to the organ called the brain, which processed and interpreted. And did other things that the Auditor had not asked it to do.
Yes, it informed the Auditor of the words spoken, but it also put them on, apparently, some sort of expressway to various automatic systems. The Auditor felt the resulting backlash as a shock, and momentarily lost control of the body, which proceeded to flash through surprise, shock and then subconscious systems caused its face to redden and warm. The Auditor was being assaulted by overloading and conflicting internal signals, and did the best it could under the circumstances.
"Why, Mr. Jeremy, I... I do not know what to say," Lady LeJean stammered, the icy composure the Auditor had been using turning into a warm puddle. "I really... I do not know... perhaps some other time? I do have an important engagement, so glad to have met you, I must be going. Goodbye."
With that, it practically hurled itself out of the building. Forgetting even to hover a respectable distance above the street at first, Lady LeJean and her escort headed down Small Gods, where she dismissed them when they reached Short Street. Crossing over to Bee Street and turning right, she made her way back to the warehouse space. It was there that the body staged its most serious rebellion yet.
Well, we probably should not say 'the body' at this point. It was Jeremy's clumsy attempt at romance that had been the catalyst. That bolt of emotion was the first thing that had truly bridged the space between the created shell and the controlling consciousness, welding a few key points tightly together. Whether the Auditor wanted to admit it or not, or could even imagine it, Lady LeJean was becoming something that was a merging of its original two aspects. As a result, there was a definite struggle, one that came through as almost painful, before the body dissolved back to component dust and the Auditor's awareness fled back to the group consciousness.
The next day was Thursday again, and like clockwork, the Auditors appeared to consult regarding the day's plans. Lady LeJean coalesced in the warehouse, and this time she almost fell as she reformed. The…pain during the process was debilitating. I can not do this any more, she thought. And the conclusion came with a palpable relief. She repeated it aloud for the Auditors - for the other Auditors.
One said, Ah... can you tell us what pain is like? We have often wondered.
"No. No, I do not think I can. It is... a body thing. It is difficult to describe, but it is not pleasant. From now on, I will retain the body."
One said, That could be dangerous.
"We have been through that before. It is only a matter of appearance," she said. "And it is remarkable how much easier it is to deal with humans in this form."
One said, You moved your shoulders for no functional reason. And you are making noises with your mouth. A hole for food and air.
Lady LeJean considered this, realizing that the body was, more and more, making automatic movements without her—it, consciously deciding to do so. The automatic functioning made things easier, but somewhat concerning as well. The Auditors spent several more minutes discussing the phenomenon. Slowly, Lady LeJean realized that no matter how it tried, it could not explain the experience, the—feelings—in terms that its fellow Auditors could understand.
For one thing, Lady LeJean had started referring to itself as "I". And had done so without discorporating! Even more, saying it actually seemed to make her feel—better and at the same time worse. The Auditor was becoming seriously worried at how the brain was working as well; while some things seemed completely automatic, others could be adjusted but only with concentration, and others only worked if it demanded specific action. The most concerning functions where those which required concentration to prevent them from happening. Food for instance, seemed to be making demands on the body, and the body wanted to comply. The Auditor had tried commanding it to stop, even resorted to trying to reason with it (which was ridiculous) but it didn't seem to work and was a horrible feeling.
There was the Auditor, at this point clearly an "I", sitting inside looking out at the world. And then there was… everything else. The whole universe. And you could sit in the darkness and talk to someone else, who was also you.
Am I going insane?
The Auditors were very—disturbed—by this. Then she told her first lie, and it was a big one.
"I do not wish to continue in this way any longer than necessary."
And she got away with it! They could not see her thoughts, she was alone in her head, and they were out there. But being inside was like being on the receiving end of a horrific and amazing range of new senses that were like nothing she had ever imagined. It was like a drug, and she didn't want it to stop. But it was terrifying!
The Auditor gathered its scattered thoughts. She—it would be strong. It would be in charge.
"I shall need to obtain lodgings for this body. If the body is retained, it will be able to facilitate the completion of the clock more quickly." Another lie!
This is logical. The body must remain undamaged for its desired effect, said one.
This structure will serve the purpose, said another.
The body actually recoiled, which was both surprising and impressive. "No, to be effective, the body requires maintenance and accessories which must also be properly stored and arranged. I shall have to obtain lodgings that are consistent with the appearance and expectations that we have created with the body."
There was silence, which in the case of Auditors was consent.
Lady LeJean left and obtained accommodations at a hotel on Holofernes Street, just off New Bridge. La Extravaganzia was a rather expensive hotel, but she told herself that she was only keeping up appearances. In truth, something about the otherwise useless items made of gold, cloth, and decaying plants[1] arranged throughout the hotel rather pulled at the body.
It was strange, how these simple objects could affect it. But the bakery just across the bridge on the Isle of Gods, between the hotel and the clockmaker's shop, had an even more profound effect.
The first night she almost changed her mind about remaining in the body. First had come the strange feeling of sluggishness. The body's extremities became heavy and slow to respond. Then the eyes ached. Finally, not really realizing what was happening, she decided to close them. Perhaps if they were rested for a few minutes. The Auditors knew that humans slept, but they didn't understand it was really a requirement. They assumed it was just boredom.
She awoke the first time screaming her throat raw, her mind paralyzed by terrors that had crept out of some pseudogenetic memory. Slithery things moving through opaque water. Dark things made of teeth in the deeper darkness. Fur and blood had assaulted her mind. She almost fled the body in horror, and then stayed in fear that she might fail if she tried. Hotel staff converged on the sound and she dismissed them imperiously without opening the door.
She spent the next three hours with her arms wrapped around herself, rocking back and forth staring at the walls, vowing never to do that again.
And then awoke again late in the morning, shocked to find the body had betrayed her again, and even more shocked to find herself alive. Over the next couple of days, she continued fighting sleep, and primal fears continued to stalk her dreams, but gradually the fear that she would not live through the night faded.
She discovered things to fill the days, to distract her from focusing on the nights, and to keep up appearances of course.
It was Monday, her third trip past the bakery on Body Street, that was the breaking point. She now knew that she wasn't getting enough sleep and understood that it was a requirement. And the body would not leave her alone. She had tried everything to assert her authority over it, but it wouldn't listen! It kept demanding. Sleep, food, drink. She did not… should not need these! She could create nutrients directly from the material around her, and have them appear directly in her cells. But the body didn't believe her. "Starving!" it insisted in its primitive language of growls and complaints. She ignored it. She was in charge.
She had walked past the bakery day after day, and each time the smell of fresh bread made her mouth salivate! The sense of smell fed into parts of the brain that bypassed her completely! And gave orders to all sorts of other parts! She was in charge!
Still, she might have resisted another day, if the human at the outside counter had not offered her some fresh bread that morning on her way to the clockmaker's shop.
"Miss, would you care for a sample?" the young male human asked.
She looked at him, filed him as not a threat, and drifted over. "We are Lady Myria LeJean. We are not Miss."
He was embarrassed; she worked that emotion out and filed it away. "Forgive me, my Lady, but I thought you might like to try our bread. You have stared at it for the last two days."
She blushed again. It was true. "Ah… yes, we… we would be pleased to try… bread." Her mouth and hands took over before she could even finish the sentence, and popped a small morsel of fresh bread into her mouth before her brain finished processing the thought.
1 The human habit of displaying the severed sexual organs of plants in porcelain containers was another of those things that puzzled the Auditors.
[A/N BEFORE YOU REVIEW if you are unfamiliar with Thief of Time, please note that the events in this chapter are an expansion and retelling from Myria's POV of events that take place in Pratchett's novel Thief of Time (told more from Jeremy Clockson's POV in that novel). As such I can not take credit for thinking up the events/concepts that occur here. Any dialogue that includes Jeremy Clockson likewise are excerpts from Thief of Time and were only included to ensure story continuity. The other details, including the dialogue with the baker, are my own.]