A/N I know i havnt said it lately so i'll say it now...YOU ALL ROCK! thankyou so much for the reviews and adds!
This is a big one and will make up for the last few short ones.
WARNING: menctions of self harm and suicide!
This fic is NOT over yet!...
15 minutes later Morgan and Rossi reached JJ's apartment door with Hotch and Reid close behind.
They didn't need to knock as Garcia was stood in the door way a look of pure fear in her face and a few blood spots on her hands.
"What happened…" Hotch asked as Morgan went rushing past Garcia into the apartment.
"I…i…I do…don't…" Garcia was so upset she had started to hiccup.
Rossi and Hotch looked at each other. It wasn't like the tech's emotions were new to them but they had very rarely seen her this upset.
"Penelope…" Rossi put both his hands on her shoulders and looked into Garcia's eyes "Take some deep breaths. I need you to calm down so you can tell us what happened."
It the background they could hear Morgan and Emily talking and banging on the door.
Garcia took some steady breaths and started to explain to her bosses and Reid what had happened.
"Me and Em were talking and JJ started to whimper in her sleep. Then I don't know, everything happened so fast. JJ wrapped her hands round her neck and started scratching like she was trying to pull something away." Garcia looked down at the small drops of blood on her hands; JJ's blood "We tried to wake her up but she wouldn't. Then she stopped scratching and was full on strangling her self." She met her bosses eyes "She was turning blue Rossi, we had no choice. She stopped breathing." Her eyes filled with tears and spilled over down her cheeks.
"What do you mean you had no choice? What did you do?" Hotch asked worry written all over his face.
"We had to hold her down…" Garcia sobbed. Rossi pulled her into his chest and let her cry "I held her legs and Em had her arms." She was mumbling into Rossi's work jacket but you could still just make out the words "oh god, when she opened her eyes…she was so scared of us. She thought we were him." Garcia pulled back and wiped her makeup streaked face "We let her go and she ran into the bathroom before we got there she locked the door. We could hear her vomiting and crying but she just wouldn't let us in. That's when I called Morgan."
"Ok…" Hotch said and rubbed her arm in a comforting way "Lets go and see if they've made any progress."
The look on Garcia's face as she opened the door sent his heart plummeting to the bottom of his stomach but as much as he wanted to comfort her, he needed to get to JJ.
He ran past the red head and down the hall to where Emily was crouched outside the closed door.
"Please JJ, open the door for me, everything will be ok just let me see your ok in there." Emily said from the floor with one hand on the white wood door
Morgan walked over and tried the door himself and as he expected the door was locked.
"Jayje, its Morgan, baby girl open the door for me." He gently knocked on the door but got no reply.
He slid down the wall on the other side of the door and just listened. Morgan could hear JJ sobbing and from the volume of the sounds he could tell she was just sitting on the other side of the door.
"What happened?" Morgan asked Emily and for the first time he got a good look at the state of the brunette. Her makeup had been cried away and she looked like she hadn't slept in months. It took a lot to make Emily Prentiss cry, her compartments to crumble and her best friend hurting was one of those things.
"She was having a nightmare and strangling her self." Emily sniffed and made eye contact with Morgan "She was turning blue. Pen and I had to hold her down to stop her from doing anymore damage."
"Jesus…" Morgan ran a hand over his bald head and sighed "Are you ok?"
"No…" Emily wiped away the fresh tears "We had to hold her down Morgan. I had to hold her hands above her head like they were when we found her." Emily let out a breath and tried to regain some type of control over her emotions.
"It's ok. You did the right thing Em. If you…" Morgan and Emily both jumped out of their skin when the sound of smashing glass came from the locked bathroom.
Both Morgan and Emily jumped to their feet.
"JJ open this door!" Morgan yelled.
"What the hell was that?" Reid asked. Morgan and Emily turned to see the other 4 agents standing behind them looking as worried as they did.
"That sounded like glass." Rossi said holding Garcia's hand.
"JJ if you don't open this door I'm going to kick it in." Morgan said as Emily continued to bang on it. He didn't want to think about what she was doing in there but after she tried to bump of the hospital roof he was worried she was going to try something stupid.
"JJ STOP!" Emily yelled over Morgan's banging on the door "What ever you're about to do or thinking of doing please stop and think about it…" Emily was as pail as a sheet and her hands were shaking. She knew the damage that could be caused with a single but of glass and she didn't want her best friend to resort the measures she had as a teenager "you don't have to do this. There are other ways of making it go away. But dont end it all now. Please JJ I'm begging you open the door. Don't let him win. He's taken so much from you Jayje don't let him take your life too."
Everyone paused waiting to see what JJ would do but it was taking to long for Morgan's liking.
"JJ you have 5 seconds…"
He got no reply. You could hear a pin drop in the apartment.
"5…" Morgan jiggled the door handle.
"4…"
"C'mon Jayje, please you scaring me!" Garcia cried.
"3…"
Morgan still got no answer and they couldn't hear anything.
"2…" That was when they heard it, the lock on the bathroom door unbolted but the door didn't open.
Morgan and Emily looked at each other, took deep breaths preparing themselves for what they were about to see and opened the door.
oOo
JJ practically threw her body over the toilet and vomited the content of her stomach up. She could hear Emily and Garcia's pleading but for some reason it wasn't registering in her head. As hard as she tried; as hard as she imagined her family she couldn't stop seeing him, feeling him and hearing him.
JJ sat back against the door pulled her knees to her chest and cried. She cried for the sister she lost, the life she once had that he took away again and most of all for the innocents she lost. It was taken away from her in a blink of an eye and it was an impurity that would never be fixed. A memory she could never forget.
After a bit the quite pleading from Emily outside the door and turned into Morgan's comforting voice asking her to open the door.
JJ couldn't open the door and face her family as broken as she was. She was hurting, not just physically but emotionally too. It took months for her to get some normality back at Horizon and she didn't want to have to fight with that again. She was sad because he had gotten to her again but most of she was angry; no JJ was furious with Walt for doing it again, for taking her life. Yes ok he hadn't killed her but he might as well have. He had taken away everything JJ believed in and loved again.
Then there was herself she was angry at; for thinking he wouldn't do it again, for letting it happen again and not fighting hard enough. For being weak and letting him break her when she promised herself she wouldn't and for letting her family down, for letting them see her as broken again.
JJ got up of the floor on shaky legs and walked over to the mirror above the sink. She rested her hands on the top for support and stared at the woman staring back at her.
In all the years JJ had been living the nightmare she never remembered looking so damaged and hurt. When she looked into her eyes she saw the things that not many people ever saw.
She could see the fear of Judgment that made her afraid of confrontation, the hopelessness that she didn't want to burden on anyone else. She saw the desperate need for companionship, just to feel safe in someone's arms; away from the world of monsters. She saw the fear of abandonment that made her keep everything locked away inside, making her afraid to truly love.
Jennifer Jareau looked in the mirror into the bright blue eyes and hated the person that looked back at her.
She raised her fist above her shoulder and with as much force and power as she could muster her fist came in contact with the figure staring back.
The mirror shattered and smashed with the contact sending fragments of glass flying everywhere. She couldn't feel the cuts the glass had made on her face or the sting of the glass in bedded in her fist but she could feel the ache in her heart for the innocents she wanted back.
Fists banging on the locked door brought JJ back to the moment and she could hear people yelling.
"JJ open this door!" JJ winced at Morgan's loud voice.
"Please just leave me alone" she whispered, not being heard by the people on the other side of the door.
JJ looked down in the sink and saw the blood running from her cut up hand and the shards of glass that lay there too. She picked up a particular sharp bit and ran it through her fingers. The idea of stopping everything seemed so appealing to her. That all the pain could stop and she would be at peace. She got a tight grip on the glass in her right hand and turned her left hand over so her wrist was facing up. 'One quick movement and it could all be over' the voice in her head told her. She waited for the second voice to tell her not to do it but it wasn't there. There was nothing telling her to stop and hold on anymore.
She took a deep breath and pressed the sharp glass to her delicate wrist.
"JJ STOP!" She jumped at the volume and urgency of Emily's voice. It was like she knew what JJ was about to do "What ever you're about to do or thinking of doing please stop and think about it…" JJ didn't want to think about it she just wanted everything to stop. The images, the feelings, the hurt and shame, the anger and the hate she just wanted it all over with "you don't have to do this. There are other ways of making it go away. But don't end it all now. Please JJ I'm begging you open the door. Don't let him win. He's taken so much from you Jayje don't let him take your life too." Emily's last few words seemed to get through to JJ and the voice she didn't hear came back full force telling her to listen to Emily. She didn't want to hurt them, she loved them to much for that but she had to find some way of making it all go away. She didn't want to dir she just wanted it all to stop.
JJ looked up into what was left of the mirror and locked eyes with herself again. This time she saw something she hadn't seen for a long time. It was something she saw the night she phoned the police to arrest Walt. She saw the fight and the part of her that didn't want to let him win.
"JJ if you don't open this door I'm going to kick it in." Morgan's shouting sent new waves of pain through her already painful head.
"JJ you have 5 seconds…"
She didn't move, just stared at herself.
"5…"
JJ could hear the door handle jiggle and looked down at the glass in her bloodied hand.
"4…" Morgan's voice bellowed
"C'mon Jayje, please you scaring me!"
There was something she could do about it, she could fight him now with the will and power she had all those years ago.
"3…"
With one final glance at herself; JJ dropped the glass in the sink, shuffled over to the door through the shattered glass on the floor.
"2…"
She reached the door and unlocked it, but didn't open the door. She went to sit on the edge of the tub trying to stop the new tears from falling and her body from shaking.
Emily was the first to see the state the bathroom and her friend was in. There was shattered glass everywhere, blood in the sink and some on the floor. Then there was JJ, her best friend, she was sat on the bath with tears in her eyes and bruises and blood round her neck. Emily saw that JJ was holding her right hand and could see the blood on it. Between the bloody hand and the broken mirror it didn't take a rocket scientist to see that JJ had punched the mirror. Then she saw something that scared her more than she had ever been. On JJ's left wrist there was a tiny cut, just small enough for a tiny drop of blood to drip out of it.
"Oh, Jay what are you doing to yourself?" Emily walked in carefully trying to avoid standing on the glass in socked feet. Morgan came in close behind the brunette leaving the door wide open for all the others to get a look in.
"Can someone find the first aid kit?" Morgan asked his four colleges behind him.
"Sure." Rossi said and vanished out of the doorway.
Morgan walked over to where Emily was crouched on the floor in front of JJ. He sat down next to the blonde and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Princess, look at me."
A tear slipped down her cheek and JJ moved her gaze further away.
"I'm sorry" she whispered.
Morgan and Emily gave each other a look of slight confusion.
"What are you sorry for JJ?" Emily asked.
"Not being strong enough…" The blonde continued to whisper as another tear slid down her cheek.
"Jayje, look at me please." JJ slightly shook her head "C'mon princess, let me see those beautiful eyes of yours." He saw JJ's lips twitch upwards and a small feeling of pride shot through him.
JJ lifted her head and looked round the room at the team then finally landing on Morgan.
"There they are." Morgan rested his hand on JJ's cheek and wiped away the tears with his thumb avoiding the tiny cuts on her face.
He always knew he loved the BAU team but it was in that moment that he realised he loved them like they were family and he would do anything to protect every single one of them "You don't have to be strong all the time, were all here to hold you up if you fall. You don't have to hurt on your own anymore JJ and no matter how much you beg us to leave or you push us away, it wont happen. Do you know why…" He wiped away another stray tear as she slightly shook her head "Because were all one dysfunctional little family"
JJ looked up at everyone else who were either nodding in agreement or had smiles on their faces then JJ did something that none of them were expecting; She flung herself forward and wrapped her arms round Morgan burring her head in the crock of his neck.
"Thankyou." She whispered only loud enough for him and Emily to hear.
Morgan reached up and wrapped his arms round the small woman but not before he wiped the tears from his eyes.
After a moment JJ pulled back and looked round her bathroom.
"7 years bad luck; great, because I could use more of that."
The entire team was shocked for a second by JJ's moment of humour and couldn't help themselves when they all burst out laughing. For the first time in a long time JJ's smile reached her eyes.
A/N... how was it?
next one will be at the weekend i know a lot of you want it sooner but im struggling with the end that im in the middle of writing and i dont want to get ahead of myself. im sorry! i am trying!
AJ xx