Chapter 12 – Dog Day Afternoon
With hair suitably styled, Jessica suggested they take lunch while Jackstone asked fellow coachmen where a 'lady of status' would go to have various bits painted for effect. Jessica was famished, but had been warned about Myria's "special diet" by her cousin. As a result she wasn't surprised that Myria ate only the waferbread she brought with her, and drank only water.
By the time the ladies had finished eating, Jackstone had grabbed a much less expensive meal and gotten some answers. Returning, he reluctantly informed the ladies that apparently the best place to have "things painted and whatnot" was an establishment close by on Water Street called the House of Cyclops. However, and he seemed most hesitant about this part, it appeared that no one of any status actually entered the building.
It turned out, in fact, that the only people ever observed to enter what was apparently the finest beauty parlour in Ankh Morpork were servants sent to purchase, supposedly, beauty supplies for their own use. The fact that any one of those purchases was worth a month's wages or more for those servants was politely overlooked. Certainly, no true lady of status would admit she needed any… assistance… in presenting her best face to the world. The fact that the parlour also employed several full time girls who were very skilled at applying the supplies they sold in the front was likewise simply not discussed.
Nor was the steady stream of coaches that arrived at the rear alley behind the House.
Nor the veiled and cloaked figures that emerged from those coaches, passed through the rear entrance, and returned to the coach an hour or so later still cloaked and veiled.*
[I'm sorry, what were we discussing? Oh yes, the innate beauty of ladies of status which needed absolutely no assistance whatsoever in dealing with that damnable wrinkle right there and perhaps that blemish over there, and of course the fact that one eyebrow simply refused to be quite as arched as the other. My my my we are a wreck are we not…]
Considering the recent experience with Madame Gruff's Heap of Manure, they arrived at House of Cyclops with no little trepidation. Despite the fact that it was within easy walking distance, they had agreed that it was necessary to arrive by coach like the other patrons.
"So," Myria repeated for the third time, "I am to cover my face before exiting the coach, so that others will not ascertain my appearance when entering the parlour."
"Yes miss. That is what I was told miss."
"But, surely once I have entered the building, I will have to uncover my face in order for them to complete the tasks required."
"I'm sure I don't know miss… er. Beggin yer pardon, but this sort o' service is not my usual haunts." Myria looked at him quizzically.
"He means he is as clueless as we are Myria." Jessica added helpfully. "Look, I think I get it. Sure, once you are inside, they will know who you are. And you'll probably see other ladies there too, right? But everyone will just pretend they don't. And the point is that no one outside sees you enter, so the only people who could blab about you being there are the ones that are in there with you! Do you dig? I mean, do you understand?"
Myria considered this. "So it is a form of mutual bribery." **
Jessica laughed. "Exactly!"
Like the hair styling, this was a whole new world for Myria, and one that was by turns disturbing, confusing, and pleasurable. She did manage, with some argument, to get Jessica to partake as well. This led to some raised eyebrows among the staff, but they were paid not to ask questions.
At the first station, she received her first manicure, which was a microcosm of the overall experience. First came the soaking and massage of the hand, which was relaxing and pleasant. This was followed by shaping, and the feeling of a file across fingernails set her teeth on edge. Then the nails themselves were tinted a red color (at Jessica) with what Myria determined was a combination of tree sap, unborn chicken amniotic fluids, gellied horse hooves, wax, and crushed flower petals***. She refrained from discussing this with Jessica with some difficulty, guessing correctly that she would probably rather not know.
The next station involved eyebrow shaping, which turned out to be problematic. The girl in charge of this station spent several minutes with tweezers in hand, hemming and hmmm-ing before proclaiming, with some obvious frustration, that she could do absolutely nothing for Myria. Jessica was amused, but Myria was somewhat disappointed.
Next was darkening the eyelashes. It was alarming to have someone striking matches in front of your face and then preparing, apparently, to stick the oxidized and blackened end into your optical organs. Only after watching Jessica go through the treatment was she persuaded that not only was the oxidized wood a cosmetic improvement, but the girl applying the treatment was not suffering from any sort of nervous tick that might result in an unfortunate nickname.
Myria and Jessica both pointedly refused to allow them to place belladonna drops in their eyes, but saw no harm in having their lips stained with flower petals.
Overall, Myria had to admit the result was very satisfactory and left her feeling more feminine somehow, though she could not define why this should be so. The ministrations complete, they paid the account, again donned cloak and veil, and exited through the back entrance.
They had instructed Jackstone to wait at the front on Water Street, intending to simply walk through the nearby alley and meet him there (regardless of the scandal it might cause). They were both in good spirits, chatting amiably, when their conversation was interrupted halfway down the alley by a sudden thought in Jessica's head.
Aw, look at the poor doggie. Doesn't he look hungry? Mebbe I should, wossname, buy a little something for it to eat.
Myria, on the other hand, looked down at the ankle-height and raggedy apparition. "Excuse me, but why should Jessica purchase food for you?"
Jessica was shocked. "Myria! How did you- did you just read my mind?"
"No I was simply answering the dog."
"The dog?"
"Yes he said you should buy him something to eat."
"Wait, this is too strange. You can talk to dogs?"
"Yes I… but… can I not?"
They both looked at the dog in question.
"Woof woof."
"I do not understand."
"Er, bark bark?"
"No, I am sorry, I still do not understand."
"Woof woof bloody- oh fine. Yes we have a genius on our paws don't we? Would you-"
"Wait a minute." Jessica held up a hand. "Just one minute. I could swear you just talked to each other that time. And I know I can't talk to dogs." She bent at the knees to get closer, regretted it because of the smell, and stood back up. "What are you?"
Jessica didn't see Myria stiffen at the question, intent on the dog's reaction.
"M'a dog. Right? Woof woof. Bark bark. Throw him a bone sort o' thing." He sniffed her. "And you are either made of bread, or you work in a bakery. I'm right aren't I? The nose knows eh?"
He turned to Myria, who immediately took a step back. Not far enough though. "And you…" sniff "Wait don't tell me." sniff sniff. The dog was inching forward, his nose outstretched and his ears moving in time with his cogitation. At the same time Myria was backing away. Finally he halted, ears flattening, and whined. "Yer not a vampire are you?" Now it was his turn to back away. "Cause I promise I gots enough diseases you don't even wanna think about it. Give you the mother of all stomachaches I would."
"Vampire? That's just silly." Jessica interrupted. "Myria is just as human as I am!"
"Har har. And I'm the Duke of Ankh. Left my coronet at the palace. Pull the uvver one, it's got bells on."
The unreality of the whole situation got to Jessica. I'm talking to a dog that's saying Myria isn't human. She shook her head. "This is silly, dog. Myria is not a vampire. It's broad daylight out, and… and I've seen her eat food."
"Oh fanks. Yes I'm Dog now am I? I should call you Delusional and you'd be happy eh?"
Jessica turned from the dog to Myria, who had backed completely up to the wall of the alley at this point. All the good feelings that the pampering had engendered was now fled, and she looked a pale ghost. Jessica turned back to the dog.
"Ok. I'm sorry. I'm talking to a dog and I've gone completely bursar, but sure, I'm still sorry. What's your name? Fido?"
The dog's ears flattened further and he actually widdled a bit. "Really. Fanks for that. Great name mind you…" He rallied. "Gaspode's the name, all my life. And you would be?"
"Jessica."
"And yer hundred percent human friend that the nose says ain't?"
"Her name is Myria," Jessica responded, getting exasperated "Look will you stop with the-"
"Sure sure, yer right o' course. Not a vampire if it eats people food. Look, hows about we discuss that little snack proposal, and forget all about this. Y'know. Woof woof, beg beg, nice doggie?"
"You won't tell anyone will you?" Came a quiet plea from behind Jessica.
Jessica turned around to face Myria, who had stepped forward with her arms wrapped tight around herself.
"Who would I tell? Remember, dogs don't talk." Gaspode considered, one ear rising and falling. "Then again, I do have friends in the Watch. Well, acquaintances anyway. Or leastways they don't give me a kick when they sees me. Making no promises, but I could see how a full belly would really help bring on a case of wossname… amnesia, right?"
Myria searched Jessica's face. "Jessica, would you purchase something to eat for Mr. Gaspode? I am sure you would know best what a domesticated canine would eat."
Jessica frowned.
"Please Jessica. I will be fine here until you return."
Jessica hesitated, her frown deepening. Then she turned a glare on Gaspode. "I don't know what you've done here, but I don't like it, and neither will my cousin. I'm gonna be right back with some food for you, and you better both still be here." She glanced back over at Myria, then back at the dog. "I'm gonna hold you responsible if she's not here when I come back." What was she saying?
"Sure sure, it's all the doggie's fault. I'll just hold her down with my enormous paws shall I? Here, why not just give me a kick now, get it over with sort of thing?"
"Fine, right…" she turned back to Myria again. "Don't do anything silly. Jonny will never forgive me. Promise?"
"Yes Jessica, I promise. Please, I need to talk to Mr. Gaspode for a minute."
"Fine."
Jessica stalked off. It only took a few minutes to have a quick discussion with Jackstone, who generally didn't question the sanity of his fares out of fear his suspicions would be confirmed, and then to find a butcher nearby. On the way back, she had him pause for a moment in front of an apothecary selling rat poison, but let her better nature get the better of her. By the time they returned, Myria was leaned against a wall at the alley entrance with Gaspode lurking just inside.
"Mister Gaspode, here's your payoff. And before you ask, I resisted the urge to put a nasty surprise in it."
"No harm, no harm. The nose knows as I said." Gaspode paused in the act of picking up and turned back to Myria. "Look, I know what it's like to be bottom of the pile eh? Bit of an oddball right? Sorry for any, you know, thingy."
"Thank you Mr. Gaspode. Yes it is not your fault. Now if you please, I have to speak with Jessica."
"Yeff yeff, feeu round, fnks." he replied around the choice cut of meat, and trotted back down the alley.
Jessica glared at the dog until it was out of sight, then she rounded on Myria. "What the blankety blank was that?"
Myria seemed to shrink into herself. "It is complicated Jessica."
"Complicated? I know complicated Myria, I'm a teenager. My father says I'm nothing but complicated. Half the time he doesn't even understand the words I'm using. That was not complicated Myria. That was absolutely bursar. I just spent fifteen minutes talking to a dog Myria. Named Mister Gaspode. Who just spilled it to me that you are in fact not a vampire but not human either."
"Please do not be angry with me."
"Myria, I'm not mad at you! I'm freaking out! That is not the same thing at all." She took a deep breath. "You don't eat people or anything like that do you?"
Myria gave a strangled laugh. "No Jessica, I do not eat people. I can not even manage bread."
"Oh yeah. Right, Jonny told me. So you really aren't human?"
"I… I am not quite human, I think. But I am trying to be. I am trying to be a lot of things."
"Does Jonny know?"
Myria hesitated.
"Let me guess, it's complicated right? Seriously Myria, my cousin is completely smitten over you and you are saying he doesn't know that you-" she held up two fingers of each hand and accented each word with them, "-aren't quite human?"
Myria's eyebrows came together. "What do you mean smitten? As in being struck?"
"Oh. My. Gods. He… You… " Jessica shook her head, her vocabulary exhausted. She waved her hands in the air. "Ok, do-over. You are a not quite human who most definitely does not eat people, correct?" Myria nodded her head. "And Jonny does not know exactly what you are?" More nodding. "Ok, when I tell him is he going to freak out or call me a liar or anything?"
"I believe that he suspects, and Miss Susan told him some things. But I do not know that he understands everything."
Jessica turned this over in her head. "Ok. So he is not completely in the dark on this. Understand, I've always looked up to my cousin. He's been like a big brother to me, but without the whole 'torture you by throwing frogs at you' bit." Myria looked shocked. "Yes, yes big brothers really do that. But that's beside the point. If he knows more or less what he's getting into, and he's still your boyfriend, then we're ok. Ok? Now, what do you want to do next?"
For her part, Myria was still trying to work out all the nuances in Jessica's rapid-fire half of the conversation. "So you are saying… that everything is alright?"
"Peachy. Trust me."
"Are all young humans this…"
"Confusing? Prone to mood swings? Able to change their minds in a second? I'm afraid so. I do have one request though."
"Yes, of course. If I can grant it I will."
"Tell me that this Miss Susan is not a talking cat."
* I'm not making this stuff up. If you don't believe me, look up "House of Cyclax". It really worked this way for a while. Now we do reality programs of people getting tattoos while bragging about how drunk they are the whole time.
** Also known as MAD – Mutually Assured Disgrace, one of the more effective ways of keeping secrets. It read something like this. "Yes, you know about me and that waitress which could really screw up my campaign for head of the Accountants Guild, but (ahem) I happen to have an iconograph involving you in a delicate situation involving five gallons of olives, a live sheep, and a wax replica of the Patrician. What say we both suffer long-term amnesia, what?
*** The Chinese made nail polish out of gum Arabic, egg whites, gelatin, and beeswax with natural tints added for color. Humans will stick anything on themselves that doesn't immediately kill them, and some things that eventually will, in the pursuit of beauty. You don't even want to know what's in modern cosmetics. Seriously. Don't.