Castiel unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside looking around the luxurious suite. It was large, spacious, and where they would be both living for the next couple of months. He sighed dropping the keys into the small bowl and walked over to the alcohol pouring a glass of wine. His meeting and reunion with Dean had left him shaken and he downed it feeling a shudder run up his spine. It had ended on the promise that they would meet again and he frowned at the excited buzz in the pit of his stomach.
Without a doubt Castiel knew that the breakdown and the break up was all his fault and it pained him deeply. He always wished that if he could go back in time, he would go to the moment he sat down to write that letter and would tell his former self to stop and answer the calls instead.
He was so lost in thought he didn't notice Balthazar walk in staring at him confused before moving over and wrapping his arms around his waist.
"Hello"
Castiel turned in arms kissing him gently. "Hello"
"How was it? I'm so sorry I couldn't be there darling but I have meetings nonstop" he said looking him over.
"Short and sweet, I left Becky in charge"
Balthazar hummed in approval removing his arms and grabbing a glass for his own wine. Castiel watched him pour one and pull back.
"She will love that! The woman is a strange creature" he said and gave a frown. "Are you okay?"
"Just tired" he murmured in reply and smiled softly when he reached up stroking a hand into his hair and kissing him tenderly.
"Go get some sleep" Balthazar murmured stroking a hand down his cheek. Castiel nodded moving away and heading towards their big double bed and dropping down onto the soft covers. He lay on the cushion feeling his mind drift back to when he first met Balthazar two years ago. It had been in South Dakota when he was circling and trying to climb his way up and to no success. He was sat in a bar drinking when he felt the seat next to him move and for a gentleman with sandy brown hair, a mischievous smile, but kind eyes and hint of a beard looked back at him.
"Balthazar" he murmured holding out his hand.
"Castiel" he said shaking it gently. Balthazar's eyes lit up and he tilted his head looking over him for a long moment. Castiel flushed pink looking away from his heated gaze.
"I was thinking of this being my last drink but I've suddenly changed my mind"
"Why?"
"Oh very attractive company" he murmured softly.
Castiel blushed a deep red looking away and back to him falling under his spell. After their first meeting, Balthazar slipped over a card with his number on and winked insisting he called him. Castiel debated long and hard after that night whether to call him or not since his last relationship had been with Dean and he had yet to take that step again.
Castiel took that step and their next meeting ended up being a date. Balthazar wined and dined Castiel with the end result in being Castiel going home with Balthazar. From then on their relationship together became casual and with Balthazar's job it was more meeting up for drinks, food, and sex. Six months later the relationship ended after Balthazar claimed the relationship had lost their "spark" he ended it and left the state. Castiel was left alone and felt a lash of pain knowing this was how Dean must have felt and chose not to think about it.
Two months later it was a surprise for Castiel who was sat at his favourite bar circling his straw around his drink when he felt a shadow over him. He turned his head and gaped shocked when Balthazar leaned next to him with a small smile.
"What are you doing here?"
"Seeking pleasant company"
"I'm sure you'll find it here" he said in a bored tone. Balthazar smirked moving towards him and kissing him firmly. Castiel drew away dazed and swallowed hard pulling back.
"You said we had no spark left"
"I was wrong"
"Oh" he breathed and looked him up and down. "Are you just here for sex?"
"No, I'm here for you, the sex is just a bonus as good as it is" Balthazar murmured moving his hands around his back to the skin underneath.
Castiel held in a breath feeling sparks run up and down his skin where he touched it and nodded slowly.
"Okay" he breathed feeling the same old attraction he felt for him rise up and he seized the moment taking hold of him and kissing him broadly. Their relationship started once again resulting in Balthazar securing Castiel his job as an artist and eleven months into their relationship proposing to him which Castiel accepted.
It was quick but Castiel knew that he did love him but even though Balthazar had wealth, status, security, and they were in a content and happy relationship there was one thing he could never be for Castiel and that was Dean. Castiel decided it was important to tell Balthazar about Dean and their breakdown so he could he know that Dean would always be Castiel's first love.
Fisting a hand into the pillow, Castiel sighed and wondered whether or not to tell Balthazar about Dean showing up and their meeting but decided against it. He lay there for a long moment staring out at the bedroom when he felt Balthazar drop down on the bed next to him jostling him out of his mid haze.
"I'm trying to sleep here"
"In your clothes?"
"Point made" Castiel murmured pushing up and stripping out of clothing. Balthazar hummed tilting his head at him thoughtfully.
"Strip tease, sweetheart?"
"You wish"
"It was granted"
Castiel smirked throwing his shirt at him till it landed on top of his head.
"You're the sexist one I've had yet" Balthazar said slowly taking it off whilst he kicked off his shoes and rolled back onto the bed. He wriggled under the covers and smiled when Balthazar's arms came around him.
"Is it not weird being back in California?"
"Yes but my family lives here"
"Ah I do miss old Eve"
"Did you just call my mom old?"
"No" he teased poking his nose gently.
"She will kill you and have you strung up"
"Kinky"
Balthazar laughed dodging Castiel's kick aimed at him.
"That is my mom and your future mother in law"
"You know I love her, she's an amazing woman"
Castiel narrowed his eyes with a smile and snuggled into the pillow with a sigh shutting his eyes welcoming in sleep. Balthazar held him till he drifted back off to sleep and pressed his lips to his temple before moving away to order food for one.
Castiel's dream took a strange turn and he ended up on top of the hill near home and turned seeing someone standing next to him and groaned.
"Why are you here?"
"You're dreaming about me" Dean murmured with a smirk.
"I shouldn't be dreaming about you"
"Do you dream of me often?"
"Not really" Castiel lied dropping down on the soft grass underneath him feeling Dean sit down closely next to him. Dean smiled softly leaning his cheek on his hands looking over to him.
"I should be dreaming of the man I am in love with, not you" Castiel said with a scowl.
"Don't you love me anymore?"
Castiel swallowed looking away from him and shrugged. "It's been a long time"
"Five years, Casanova, but you have to know this…what I did with that person wasn't wrong"
"You slept with someone else"
"We weren't together, Cas" Dean said softly in the breeze. "I was drunk and it didn't mean anything but most of all…I was single"
"Six weeks"
"We were over, Cas, how was I meant to know you would call in the middle…how did I not know you were seeing someone else either"
Castiel narrowed his eyes and jumped up walking away from me.
"How can you blame me for your actions?" Dean shouted after him. Castiel turned to look back and blinked to see him gone and turned to walk forward when he stopped staring into Dean's angry eyes.
"You left me, you ended it, and you broke my heart" Dean chanted circling him and moving behind him. "I should hate you"
"Then why don't you?"
"You know why" Dean breathed into his ear and moved away. "You still love me"
"No, I'm engaged to another man, Dean"
"Then why are you dreaming about me?"
"Because I saw you two hours ago"
"But you've dreamed about me before, you always think about me when you spell that aftershave or when a song comes on"
"Stop it!" Castiel shouted at the image of him when Dean smirked at him. Dean didn't hesitate moving forward and claiming his mouth, Castiel struggled against him for a moment before giving in and feeling his lips move against him in perfect sync.
Dean hummed moving away from him and bit his lip trailing his hand into Castiel's hair.
"We're meant to be" he whispered moving closer to him. Castiel shook his head and closed his eyes when his lips trailed over his forehead and down to his lips hovering over them.
"Wake up, baby" he whispered.
Castiel's eyes snapped open and he stared at the darkness around him in a panic, he breathed out lifting his head to see Balthazar snoring softly curled around him.
"Shit" he breathed covering his eyes and swallowed gently easing out of his arms and padding towards the bathroom. The light blinded him and he moved to the mirror staring at his image all sleepy and messy hair. Pouring water into his hands he splashed his face and looked up seeing his reflection and cursing himself.
It felt so real but so unbelievable at the same time and he felt a dozen of butterflies flutter in his stomach in anticipation. Castiel reached for the engagement ring around his neck and looked down at it feeling tremendously guilty. He was supposed to have moved on, found love, but he was looking back and his heart didn't mind. Dean's face lingered in his mind and he longed for a moment to feel his lips against his before shaking out of it.
"Get a grip" he hissed turning his back on the mirror and returning to bed. Castiel knelt on the bed looking over at Balthazar who turned towards him confused.
"Cassy?"
Castiel swallowed and moved forward kissing him desperately. Balthazar made a small sound of surprise but eagerly accepted it and turned pressing him into the mattress.
"Wake up feeling horny?"
"You could say that, just…make me forget my own name" he whispered bringing him down into a fiery kiss. Balthazar responded and they were lost in a tangle of sheets, harsh pants, and his wish was granted when he forgot all about his dream.
~0~0~0~
Dean sat at the kitchen table stirring his spoon into his coffee when he heard movement behind him and turned to see Jo, Sam, and Ellen enter the kitchen. He sighed deeply and made a move when Ellen pushed him down and they sat in the empty seats.
"You came home last night, grabbed a beer, and went to your room" Ellen said sharply. "What happened?"
"Nothing, we met up for a late night coffee"
"And?" Jo said gesturing her hand.
"Nothing, we talked about what happened and then…well…he kindly informed me he is a taken man and engaged to said man" Dean murmured bitterly throwing the spoon down.
Jo gaped looking at Sam who mirrored her shocked expression.
"He's engaged?"
"Yep" Dean said with a nod. "Good for him"
"Whoa…he doesn't even believe in marriage" Sam protested and looked at Dean who shrugged his shoulders.
"He does now"
"Well…I wasn't expecting that at 9am in the morning…bacon anyone?" Ellen said baffled standing up moving to the fridge. Dean swallowed hard and looked down at the murky waters of his coffee.
"Dean…?" Sam murmured touching his arm. Dean flinched away not speaking a word and opened the backdoor to see Bones running around the garden. He looked up at the morning sun and was glad it was a brand new day. It had a new perspective on everything and Dean couldn't be shocked or surprised that Castiel had moved on. It had been five years since their official split and neither one of them had remained celibate. Dean had dated many women and men but they all resulted in either sex, bad sex, or a number which he threw into the bin.
But even though Dean was not surprised he felt his heart give a pained ache for the loss. Castiel would always be the best friend he longed to have again, the boyfriend he wanted back despite everything that had happened, the past is the past. People made mistakes and they were young. He could still blame Castiel but he could never hate him for what he did and he could still blame himself for his own actions.
"Dean" Jo sand stepping out to join him in the garden, Dean sighed looking over to her.
"Why won't you people leave me alone?"
"Because we're here to torture you" she said with a happy smile. "So come on what was it really like?"
"Strange…I mean, he's still the same but different…he's more gorgeous than ever, he's quirkier…and I miss him, I missed him more than I imagined"
"The taken part is a bit of a blow"
"Yeah…I guess" he murmured kicking the dirt. "But…I'm going to try and…reconcile"
"What?"
"Friends, Jo, I miss him…he was my best friend long before I was fucking the guy" he said with a small puff of laughter.
"Do you think he'll go for it?"
"Yeah, look at me, I'm adorable" he said with a cheeky grin. Jo rolled her eyes punching him in the arm gently.
"You should go back to the art gallery and see him!"
"No, his fiancé will be there"
"Call him"
"I guess" he murmured sheepishly.
"What harm can it do?" she said shrugging her shoulders and leaving him to it in the garden. Dean watched her leave and pulled out his cell phone contemplating and dialled his number.
Castiel was sleeping when he heard the irritating ring and sat up looking around bleary eyed. He snatched his phone up from the floor and held it to his ear.
"Yes?"
"Cas, its Dean"
"Dean" he murmured and sniffed rubbing a hand into his hair and groaned looking over to the empty side of the bed to see it was nearly 9.15am. "What do you want?"
"You"
"What?" Castiel said startled.
"I'm kidding" he murmured raising an eyebrow. "I was wondering if the little star is not busy, do you want to meet up."
"Oh" he murmured and sniffed picking up the letter on the pillow.
Meeting at 9, again, so I'll buy dinner tonight.
Love and kisses.
"I don't know, Dean"
"Cas, we were friends since the beginning of high school and we have been through so much…I just want to be friends again"
Castiel picked the bedcover gently and knew that Becky would throw a fit but it could be good to get away from people asking questions.
"Where would we go?"
"Anywhere"
"Okay, apartments in Richwood, number 12" he murmured softly.
"Be there in ten"
Castiel clicked the phone off and sighed falling back into the covers. His mind screamed at him, "what are you doing?" while his heart nodded and screamed in agreement. Castiel couldn't decide whether or not it was a good idea or a very bad one, he climbed out of the bed and dressed in simple black jeans, a white t-shirt and black jacket. His eyes reflected tiredness from last night's antics and he moaned slipping sunglasses over his eyes and drank back orange juice waiting for the doorbell to ring.
Dean hovered outside and pressed the bell waiting nervously till the door opened and he stepped out.
"Hey, man in black"
"Hilarious, Dean"
"I am hilarious" he murmured swinging the keys around his finger. Castiel glanced over to him feeling a stirring in the pit of his stomach feeling last night's dream peek up and say hello once again.
Dean blinked and gestured at him to move to the car and Castiel stopped looking over the Impala.
"You still have her?"
"Of course I do!" Dean said astonished wiping his hand on the top and patting her warmly. "I love her more than anything"
"Oh really?"
"Yes, now can get in" he said sliding into the driver's seat. Castiel took a good look around before slipping into the passenger seat and settling into the leather. It brought back a number of memories and one being a memory in the back seat of the car.
"Where are we going?"
"A little place I remember" Dean said with a wink starting her up. Castiel shook his head and looked out of the window amused when he drove out of the street.
"Come on, Cas, tell me what's happened in your life"
"You want every detail from five years?"
"Yeah"
"I finished art school with my degree and got…nothing. I was stuck with a degree I could do nothing with apart from paint like a professional. I painted, I begged, I found little jobs which paid well but…I didn't have what I really wanted. It was mostly travelling, visiting the world for the first two years and then I found Becky Rosen. Becky helped me out a lot, she found me a home, money, and introduced me to the people she knew. It was in a bar of her choice that I found Balthazar…he was just a causal friend till it ended and he left…then two months later he returned and we were back on track. Balthazar discovered me; he found me the perfect management"
Dean whistled low tightening his hand on the wheel. "So he proposed?"
"Eleven months into our relationship"
"I thought you didn't believe in marriage"
"Well…when the one you love proposes to you, you say yes" Castiel murmured softly. Dean felt the blow and nodded tightly staring forward into the distance. Castiel turned his head to look out of the window and they sat in silence till it caused too much tension and awkwardness.
"This silence is uncomfortable"
Dean looked over to him with serene eyes watching the way his hair blew in the wind, the curve of his jaw, and he swallowed back the question rising in his throat. Castiel's lips twitched into a smile and he looked back at him.
"Stop staring at me and look at the road before we die"
Dean laughed surprised and looked back to the road feeling the mood instantly lighten up.
"What about you, Dean?"
"I left school with a few grades and no money…I started work in Bobby's garage which I loved and I guess the years have been spent living my life. I dated a few women and men of course but no serious relationship like you" Dean said tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. "I couldn't find anyone…I wish I could have but…"
"But…?"
"How can someone replace a first love?" he murmured looking over to Castiel who flushed. "Anyway, it doesn't matter"
"It does, Dean, everyone deserves someone and you will find yours"
Dean chuckled amused slapping his hand on the steering wheel. "Yeah"
Castiel responded with a sigh and pinched his bridge tightly feeling a headache coming on. They soon arrived at their destination and Castiel stepped out looking at the pier and looked over to Dean.
"This was our first official date…you bought me chips and held my hand down the pier" he said slamming the door hard. "Why come here of all places?"
"Because it's a nice day, Cas, and this may hold a memory but I like this place" Dean replied walking towards the steps. Castiel inhaled deeply and followed after him till they reached the pier edge and walked down it together.
There was a hard edge to Dean's jaw and Castiel knew he was acting like a spoilt jerk and reached out wrapping a hand around his wrist. Dean looked down at his hand and stopped looking at him in surprise.
"I'm sorry, Dean"
"For what?"
"For everything, for acting like a jerk right now, for the past, just…for everything" he said letting go gently and moving towards the side looking at the sparking blue water, Dean joined him and looked out across the water enjoying the warmth of the rays hitting him and gave Castiel a sidelong glance.
"I've missed you, Cas" Dean admitted softly speaking into the air. Castiel felt the lump in his throat rise and his stomach tickle inside him at those words spoken to him for real this time and he nodded pressing his lips together in a tight white line. Castiel went to speak when his phone rang and he pulled it out seeing Becky ring him for his wakeup call and simply pressed the red button declining the call.
"I must be special" Dean muttered amused.
"For a few hours" Castiel answered looking up to him.
"Fancy ice cream, chips, and possibly…a piece of pie"
"I'm on a diet"
"Not today" Dean said raising his eyebrows in challenge and kicked back moving down the dock leaving Castiel to stare down at the water. It was endless, deep, and full of possibilities. It reminded Castiel of Dean who was halfway down and talking to the ice cream man, his mouth formed into a small smile and he saw the image of the man he fell in love with and his heart gave a skip.
Castiel knew it was wrong, how couldn't he? But of course fate was intervening with a cruel smile and she wasn't about to stop anytime soon for either of them.
A/N: Your response has been fantastic! I love you all!
I respect every single one because they're all fantastic and I do read your points. A few of you say that Cas is a jerk and my writing had kinda made him this way…it wasn't meant to happen. Seriously. You also say it should be Castiel begging Dean to come back and I agree it should be BUT the only reason its Dean is because Castiel has moved on and well…Dean wants him back. It doesn't matter what happened, he wants what's his.