AUTHOR NOTE – PLEASE READ: Right, I want to settle a few things here. My writing has somehow created Castiel into a little shit and Dean to be pathetic. I made it that way. In my eyes, the typical Destiel storyline is Castiel is the little princess who can do harm, seriously, and Dean is the one who causes all wrong. I have changed that. Castiel does create the messes and he has in this, Dean is the one head over heels in love with a person he shouldn't be because of everything that's happened but why shouldn't he be? It's an AU, their situations can be changed.

It's like a soap drama, there's cheating, domestics, and it's not all love and butterflies.

If you don't like what is happening, I advise you to leave the story here. I can't make everyone happy and it's the way the story is going. I can't be bothered with any upcoming hate because it isn't going according to everyone's standards. I'm an honest person and I tell it like it is.

It was 2am when Balthazar returned to see Castiel sat alone on the couch staring at nothing. He sighed softly shutting and locking the door before turning back towards him.

"Cas"

"What?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I didn't tell you beforehand. It was wrong of me but I thought it would be like a…surprise" Balthazar said dropping down next to him.

"It was certainly a surprise" Castiel said looking over to him and sighing. "I understand why you did it though"

"Is it really so bad? I thought it was your one wish to be married"

"It was" Castiel whispered and rubbed his forehead. "I need some sleep"

"I'll stay on here tonight" Balthazar said looking up at Castiel who looked back down at him. Castiel nodded moving away from him and into the bedroom. His head hit the pillow and he instantly fell asleep.

Castiel opened his eyes and flinched when a bright light was shone into his eyes like he was being interrogated. His arms were strapped at his sides and he shifted feeling uncomfortable and looked up when a shadow crossed him.

"Look at what you've done" a soft voice said and he looked up to his mom staring back at him.

"Mom, this is a dream isn't it?"

"Look at what you've done, Castiel, look at the mess, the disaster you have created with your lies, your deceit, and your stupidity"

"I didn't mean it; I didn't men any of it to happen"

"No one forced you to sleep with Dean did they? You openly went to him and you had sex with him and if that wasn't bad enough you went back to him again and again for more sex like a common whore"

Castiel shook his head looking down at his lap. "It's not just for sex"

"Then what is it for?"

"I love him"

"Do you really?" Eve said cocking her head scaring Castiel who looked at him mom who wasn't his mom. "What about Balthazar? He was everything before you returned here and now it's Dean all over again. I mean, how can you tell yourself and everyone else you love Balthazar and want to marry his poor soul and change completely when you settle in between Dean's legs?"

"Because I do love him, I fell in love with Balthazar because I had forgotten how I felt about Dean till I returned. I love them both"

"How do you love them?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you in love with Balthazar or do you love him?"

"I don't know"

"Are you in love with Dean or do you love him?"

"Why are you here!"

"Because someone has to ask" she hissed leaning across the table gripping his cheeks with her nails. "You are no son of mine. You're disgusting"

Castiel crumbled when she let go and stepped back into the darkness. Tears coated his eyes and he struggled attempting to get out when another shadow fell across the light.

"Mom?" he called out and gasped when Dean came into view and kicked back.

"Hey, baby" he murmured softly.

"Dean, please" he begged when he kicked back and stared at him with hard eyes.

"Your mom is right you know"

"I do love you, Dean"

"No you don't, you don't know the meaning of love anymore, Cas"

"What am I supposed to do?"

Dean dropped his feet and stood up circling around the desk. "You were supposed to choose me"

Castiel looked up at him and gasped when he pulled his hair yanking him back.

"I gave you everything" Dean whispered staring into his eyes. "I change my mind; I don't want you anymore"

"You're lying"

"Am I?" Dean said shoving his head away and stepping back to look at him. "You did it with me, why can't I do it with you?"

"That's childish behaviour" Castiel snapped back at him.

"I suppose it is" Dean said with a burst of laughter. "But I'm going to move on now and I'm going to find someone else…I'm going to fall in love with someone else hopefully, I'm going to let them touch me, kiss me, fuck me, and I'm going to know that they're mine and they're not going to break my heart all over again"

"No, Dean, please!" Castiel sobbed when he waved his fingers and turned his back on him. Castiel swallowed breathing shakily and shutting his eyes in despair. His eyes opened and he looked now at Balthazar.

"How could you do it?"

"I didn't mean to"

"I thought you loved me"

"So did I" Castiel admitted and looked down squeezing his eyes. "I just want to wake up"

"How could I have ever loved you? Look at what you've done, Castiel, and you've broken my heart now. First it was Dean and now it's me because that's what you do, you break hearts and you don't think for one minute about me when you spread your legs for him"

"What do you want me to do? Tell me!"

"I want you to realise how alone you are going to become. Do you think we're going to stay? I'm going to leave you all alone and then there's Dean…you're going to end up all alone with no partner, no friends, a family that will toss you aside and you'll be left unloved and alone" Balthazar said and stood up. "Wake up now, Castiel"

Castiel stared at him in horror and shut his eyes squeezing them tight and flinching when his hands moved and his eyes opened. He sat up breathing hard and staring around the semi light bedroom feeling cold sweat cover his body. Castiel took in a shuddering breath and pushed up out of the bed feeling shaky and scared, he walked outside to see Balthazar strewn out on the couch snoring softly and collapsed against the wall.

Castiel had no idea what to do and looked at the time, 5.49am, and sighed moving back into the bedroom dressing into warm clothes. He snuck out and grabbed the car keys driving away from the apartments and driving to the one place he knew he wouldn't be distracted. Castiel stepped out of the car looking across at the beach and moved down the steps onto the soft sand. The wind whistled around him and he sat down on the soft wet sand replaying the dream in his head.

The dream versions of the people he loved were right about everything. Castiel knew he had to open up and be completely honest but it was how he approached it.

"I should have never come back here" Castiel whispered meaning California more than anything. Castiel shut his eyes and lay back into the sand feeling the coldness of the sand deep and soak his back and clothes, the chill of the morning air raised goose bumps on his skin, and he waited for nothing.

It was 10am when Castiel received a call from Dean.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" Castiel replied sitting up on the sand. "I think we need to talk"

"Talk?"

"Not sex, Dean, a real talk" Castiel said rolling his eyes.

"Where are you?"

"The beach"

"The beach? Why?" Dean said baffled shutting the front door behind him.

"I needed to think and get away…it's amazing what the sea air can do"

"I'll be there in twenty minutes" Dean replied hanging up the phone.

Castiel sat back and waited patiently for Dean's arrival. Dean arrived quicker than he realised and stepped out looking around for a familiar face and saw him leaning against the wall.

"Hello, gorgeous" Dean said with a smirk.

Castiel looked up at him and sighed moving over to him. "We need to talk"

"You're going to end this aren't you?"

"Dean, I don't know what to do! My mind is telling me to end this now and my heart is telling me not to because I do love you" Castiel said desperately. "But then there is Balthazar…"

Dean looked down at the pavement and pulled him towards him so they were into each other's personal space.

"You need to decide what you really want, okay?"

"How?"

"You're not a little kid anymore, Cas, you're not that skinny little nerd who sat alone reading comic books because they were all that you had. You're a man now, a man who is a successful artist and engaged to the man who found you because you felt like you had to own him back. You're engaged to him after eleven months? Is that really love?"

"It felt like it at the time"

"You have no idea what you truly want do you?"

Castiel shut his eyes looking down at the ground. Dean sighed looking up at the sky and shook his head.

"We've been doing this for a good few days now, Cas, fucking, dancing around each other, secret trips, and I have to lie to my own family to protect us and why should I do that? If I asked you to pick between us, who would you pick?"

"Don't do that"

"Don't do what? Don't ask you to pick between your fiancé and me? Who would you pick!"

"I don't know!"

"You're such a child!" Dean cried shoving him back till he stumbled. "Babies whine, Cas, and that's exactly what you are! You look for the solution in someone else and try to find the answer when it's deep inside of you waiting to be pulled out. I asked you, me or Balthazar and you couldn't answer…and that makes me wonder why I bother"

Castiel could feel his dreams creeping up inside of him and he reached out for Dean who shook his head knocking his hand away.

"I'm not sharing you with no one, Cas, I'm not continuing this for months while you fuck with me and return to Balthazar's bed. You can't even choose between us and that…that makes you pathetic, which makes you a child, which makes you unworthy of anything involving little old me"

"Dean…" Castiel begged and stumbled back when he refused him.

"Do you even really love me?"

"Yes"

"Love me or in love with me?"

"In love with you"

"Then how is the answer not simple?"

"Because…"

"Because of precious Balthazar" Dean said with a sneer. "Do you know how many times people have questioned me about my devotion to you? Hundreds! Why do I still love you, why do I linger for someone who couldn't care less about me, why do I wait for someone hundreds and hundreds of miles away who broke my heart first?"

"I was just a stupid teenager"

"So was I and what did I do? Oh yeah I remained faithful till you broke it apart, not me, and you can't even choose who you really want! So you know what, Cas, I am going to make this so easy for you because this time…I'm ending it" Dean hissed at him. "You're not doing that to me again, ending it because you're scared"

"You said the past is the past" Castiel muttered.

"It is and what's done is done and I'm not…I'm not doing it anymore. Last night you called me and I was happy to hold you but now…it's like I've finally had my wakeup call"

"Because I can't decide?"

"Mostly because I'm being to realise what a fool I was being" Dean replied and gripping his shoulders tugging him forward. "I'm ending this now, not you, so go on and marry your beloved Balthazar and I'll finally move on"

"I had a dream you said this to me" Castiel whispered shaking his head. "I just need more time!"

"Well when you decide don't call me, I'll send you a gravy jug for your wedding, you like porcelain right?" Dean said stepping back and nodding. Castiel began to reach panic levels and gripped his wrists tugging him back and cupping his cheeks.

"I just need more time, please, please, don't do this"

"Oh I remember this little speech, I remember begging you on the phone and what did you do?"

"I hung up"

"Yeah" Dean said with a nod and removed his hands. "See you around, Cas"

"Dean, please!" he shouted after him when he stalked back to his car and drove away. Dean leaned back in the impala speeding away from Castiel and feeling something inside him snap. Dean didn't know if it was disbelief or horror at what he had done but it could also be called hurt. For anyone else it would be a relief but Dean did love him and many would question why he ended it but he had to.

~0~0~0~

"You ended it?" Sam questioned sitting at the table with Dean who ate his lunch slowly.

"Yeah I did…proud of me?" Dean said with a raised eyebrow.

"No" Sam replied with a shake of his head.

"I didn't want to, not really, I went there knowing he wanted to talk and I knew deep down it would be about ending it but I couldn't face him ending it, again, because he's scared and has no idea what he feels or he's even doing. So…I ended it, I gave him his freedom" Dean said sarcastically and shut his eyes slumping in his chair. "It sucks ass though"

"His ass"

"Shut up" Dean said glancing at him.

"So you're just going to stay away from him?"

"That's the plan"

"That won't work, Dean"

"It will because he'll stay from me now"

"This is insane" Sam muttered into his hands. "You should have never slept with him"

"If I remember correctly, Sammy, it was you and bloody Jo who thrust me into that art gallery and forced me to talk to him again"

"You're blaming me!"

"No, Sam, I'm just saying you and Jo both got me involved in his life again and I fucked him"

"That's one way to put it" Sam said with a small chuckle.

Dean smirked at his brother and folded his arms over his chest. "Maybe it's for the best, he's engaged to another man"

"Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

Dean flicked his eyes towards him and sighed standing up and edging past Jo who walked in.

"What's going on?"

"Dean ended his little arrangement with Cas"

"Should I be worried?"

"Probably" Sam agreed and rubbed his temples. "It won't last"

"Why do you say that?"

"This is Dean and Cas, Jo, they have the strangest relationship going. It's full of lies, deceit, and endless heartbreak for both of them but which relationship is perfect? The underline for both of them is that they love each other so fiercely it scares them both into doing things they shouldn't have" Sam said honestly meeting Jo's eyes.

"You're right" she said with a small smile. "You should be an agony uncle"

"Go away" he murmured shoving her arm gently.

In the art gallery, Becky sat with Castiel who was sitting in the corner of the couch.

"Do you blame Dean for ending it?"

"No" he said shaking his head. "I understand why he did it"

"What are you going to do now?"

"Carry on"

"With Balthazar?" she whispered shocked.

Castiel nodded slowly bringing out his engagement ring and looking down at it. "Just like it was before I brought Dean back in my life…it's the best for everyone"

"Is it the best for you?" Becky said gripping his knee.

"Yes" Castiel said simply and looked up when the door opened and Balthazar stepped inside the room staring at Castiel.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well you weren't there this morning and I was worried" he said moving towards them. "Can I speak to you alone?"

Becky looked over to Castiel who nodded at her for her to take her leave. Balthazar stood in front of him till he straightened out and looked up at him.

"I hate being in conflict with you"

"Me too" Castiel said and stood up looking into his eyes. "I don't want to argue anymore"

"I am sorry for…"

"It doesn't matter" Castiel said interrupting him. "You're right, my mom would love to plan this wedding and it would mean my sister and brothers coming to the wedding and I want that more than anything"

"Are you sure? Because you even said last night…"

"Ignore what I said last night" Castiel muttered wrapping his arms around his neck and feeling Balthazar wrap his arms around his back. Becky watched from the door meeting Castiel's eyes and shaking her head at him, she knew the real truth and also saw it in his eyes.

"You're an idiot" she mouthed at him before exiting the room to continue with her job.

Castiel clung to Balthazar who stroked a hand down his back mimicking Dean's actions from last night, Castiel sighed in despair burying his face into his shoulder feeling an ache in his chest that just wouldn't fade.

~0~0~0~

Jo knocked on Dean's door that night to see him bobbing his head in time with Asia playing on the radio.

"Hey, fancy getting seriously hammered?"

"God yes" Dean said sitting up with a grin.

"Good! Get dressed and let's go" she said with a wink walking out. Dean smiled amused looking down at his hands and knowing the "moving on" process wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world and he wasn't even sure he could do it. If six years couldn't get him to move on from him then how could this? Dean sighed dressing into nicer and more appropriate clothes for going out and whistled at Jo who stepped out wearing a fitting black dress.

"Sexy" he complimented her.

"Thank you" she said holding out her hand for him to take. "Let's go and get so drunk we forget everything and everyone"

"Sounds amazing" he said in relief heading out and waiting for the cab they called instead of the impala.

In the apartments, Castiel sat with Balthazar as they watched a pointless programme. He leaned his head on his shoulder raising his eyes to look up at him and chewed on his bottom lip knowing he was a selfish coward and always would be until he made a change, he made the difference, and he rose up accepting his mistakes and made the difference he wanted.

A/N: Thank you for the reviews.