In this chapter, Tristan arranges to meet Joey, but someone else has his eye on Domino's Top Dog.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, its Abridged Series, Moulin Rouge, or the songs parodied in this fanfiction.

(1) To the tune of "Blah, Blah, Blah" by Ke$ha.

(2) To the tune of "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls.

(3) To the tune of "Cotton Eye Joe" by the Rednex.

(4) To the tune of "I will go with you" by Donna Summer. Also, a translation of the Latin non sequiturs in order: "I will go home with you." "Let it all hang out." "Order out of chaos." "I think, therefore I am." "Out of one, many." (He doesn't get to finish, but the whole saying is e pluribus unum. It's on the dollar bill.)

(5) To the tune of "Witch in the Ditch" by Erasure.

-O-o-O-o-O-

After showers and lots of toothpaste and mouthwash, they walked to the HeighHoGoodBi Black Dragon Palace.

"Most call it the 'Black Dragon' for short," Yugi explained when Tristan found himself stumbling over the long title.

"That blue-eyed fairy looked awfully familiar," Yami commented, noticing a poster for the Black Dragon, advertising the attractions for that night. Three names were printed in neon yellow at the bottom of the poster: Joey, Mai, and Kaiba.

"Doesn't he have his big fancy company to run? What's he doing in a dump like this?" Tristan wondered.

Tristan looked around in awe at the city. He'd heard all kinds of news about Domino City (mostly from his father, mostly probably inaccurate) since they'd moved to Yahtzee town just before his senior year. Back when he was in high school it was bustling during the day, but everyone really woke up at night. He'd never seen so many neon lights in one place.

Coming back as an adult, it was slightly less impressive than he remembered. There were more abandoned storefronts and graffiti murals than he remembered. The people on the streets seemed less vibrant and more like they'd been around an unlit block a few times. Also, they were coming up on where Kaibaland used to be, but it was nowhere in sight.

But like the old times, it was still a hub of activity, and, judging by the strange characters lurking around every corner, the freaks still came out at night.

They came to a massive, obviously repurposed building that almost took up the entire block. A giant gold-painted Greek pediment over pyramid studded blue doors marked the entrance. Fake stained glass windows lined the brick walls, interspersed with neon flamingo lights. Graffiti decorated the areas not covered by windows or flamingos. Miniature windmills and plastic dragons perched atop the purple tiled roof.

They weren't going for tasteful when they designed the place.

They walked down the dark entrance hall, then through a curtain made of Duel Monsters cards. The room they entered was huge and the mirrored wall at the back only emphasized it. The black panelled walls were decorated with glow-in-the-dark geometric shapes and traffic lights. Glittery green curtains covered the stained glass windows. A disco ball hung from the vaulted ceiling.

"My god," Tristan gushed. "It's beautiful."

The music blared from the back of the giant dance hall and the backs of the band were reflected in the disco balls and mirrored walls. The five-piece band wore striped jumpsuits and was flanked by two speakers topped with a mess of shiny streamers and fuzzy balls. A rope fell from one of the balconies over the stage and there stood Kaiba, in an electric blue plastic pinafore, tin foil hat, belt-laden boots, and not much else. He shimmied down the rope as the dancers on stage screeched and scattered, their feather and Duel Monsters card tunics clicking as they kicked up their legs.

"Is this generally what happens, or is this an emergency?" Tristan whispered to Yugi.

"This is pretty normal, yeah," Yugi answered.

"Normal for a Wednesday, anyway," Yami added, then blinked as a strobe light lowered onto the stage.

"Kaiba's the other owner," Yugi explained to Tristan. "They're a little understaffed at the moment, so he fills in sometimes."

"The owners perform, too?" Tristan asked.

Yugi nodded. "The show must go on, or there's no business."

Kaiba stalked across the stage. He tossed handfuls of chicken feed at the cowering dancers, who acted as if he were throwing miniature live grenades. They did a one-eighty and began to peck at the floor as Kaiba roared, "That's right, chickenheads! Peck at the ground upon which I tread! Run back to your Mega Ultra Mother! You're no match for my Obelisk!"

He broke out into a delightful verse, backed up by an electronic beat:

"Coming out your beak with your clucking talk,

Don't even get me started on that aimless walk.

Snap your trap like a lockbox

And get to the coop

With the stupid crowing cocks."

Tristan looked around him, incredulous, as the whole audience joined in with Kaiba's singing:

"Stop cla-cla-clucking that bawk, bawk, bawk.

'Cause it just makes me wanna mock, mock, mock

Your mindless chatter and talk, talk, talk

When all you say is that bawk, bawk, bawk." (1)

By the end of the song, everyone was doing some combination of the funky chicken dance and a hip swivel. Everyone except Tristan, of course, who was really beginning to wonder if he was still sober at all.

"Is this good for your mind?"

Everyone clapped and cheered raucously as the beat died out. The chicken dancers scampered and Kaiba herded them to the dressing rooms.

Yugi leaned over and whispered to a bewildered Tristan, "Show's not over yet. Wait'll you see the Top Dog."

A white haired young man in a red tuxedo jacket with shiny leather short shorts skipped out. He bowed and tipped his top hat to the audience who roared with amusement.

"And there's Bakura," Yugi whispered. "Let's go up to the balcony. We can see better from there."

Tristan followed Yugi and the others, taking a few opportunities to look over his shoulder at what wackiness was to ensue. Domino had really changed since he moved away.

Meanwhile, a very important man was taking his seat on the balcony.

"Are you sure we're in the right seats?" Duke Devlin, the Duke of Diceland, asked his assistant, Noah Kaiba. "They seem a little far."

"It's a big hall, Master Duke," Noah responded, craning his head to see if any riffraff would approach the Almighty Duke. Of course they wouldn't, they probably didn't even know who he was. Noah made a mental note to never let Duke find this out. He had such a fragile ego.

"Well, Bakura did say this was the best spot to view him. As long as I can see that blond head on the stage, it'll do. Have to be able to see what I'm paying for."

"As you wish, Master Duke." Noah hoped Duke didn't see him roll his eyes. "And I gave up working with Seto and Mokuba for this."

Back downstairs, the audience was amused by Bakura's cane twirling tricks.

"Is everyone enjoying the show?" Bakura shouted, twirling his white cane in the manner of a cheerleader twirling a baton.

"Yeah!" the audience hollered back.

"Then brace yourself for Mammoth Mai and Joey, the Top Dog!"

The room went dark except for the strobe lights. Everyone in the audience (including Tristan, who'd been informed of this part and thus could participate) twirled multicolored glow sticks as Bakura moonwalked to the side of the stage, twirling his own glow-in-the-dark cane. White confetti fell from the rafters.

Two spotlights aimed at either side of the stage. Another electronic beat started up, this one harder, more energetic than the other. A very well endowed blond woman in a costume straight out of "Xena: Warrior Princess" marched onstage. The audience clapped for her, but they really went wild when a blond man in a fringed bikini top, leather chaps, and a spiked dog collar strutted out. They quieted down as the man, Joey, began to rap in a thick Brooklyn accent.

"I'll tell ya what I need, what I really, really need!"

The woman, Mai, rapped back, "Your Exodia head in my Pot of Greed!"

Back to Joey: "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really wanna play without cards!"

The crowd swooned as he started singing:

"We need a duel disk, or a duelin' glove.

Just want your great big deck givin' me some love!

I don't mean playin' a game with cards,

Raise your checkered flag and let da gamin' start!"

He whipped a pair of checkered underwear in the air and tossed it to Mai, who stuck it to the glow in the dark cane Bakura tossed to her. She flew it and marched in place as Joey gyrated around her.

"If you're gonna be my duelist, you gotta play 'til da end.

Duelin' is foreva; it's not some stupid trend!

If you're gonna be my duelist, you gotta make me shout.

You hafta have da card-lust, dat's what it's all about!" (2)

For those three to four minutes, Tristan heard no lyrics, saw none of Mai's antics with the flagpole, and didn't even notice when Kaiba and the chicken dancers came out and performed a complicated chair dance. All he could see was the golden haired Adonis working his chiseled-in-third-period-woodshop body around the stage. The drops of sweat rolling off of his body were like diamonds and Tristan just wanted to lap them up. Tristan didn't even care that his previous thought was a mixed metaphor and actually sort of repulsive. No sound passed his ears but the sweet melody of that nasally voice over that cheesy electronic beat. It was as if Tristan were partying on Olympus. Or mildly drunk on an unfamiliar substance.

"Damn, Joe…You've certainly changed," he thought.

While this merry romp through unreality occurred, Yugi, Tristan and company sat and watched from the same section of the balcony as Duke and Noah. Duke slid his chair as far away from the group as possible ("Commoners!") while Noah, preferring the company of the riffraff and his brother, stayed put. The "commoners" he sat near were snickering at something and looking over at Duke. Not that Duke cared what those plebeians thought of him.

"Duke's got toilet paper stuck to his shoe," Yami chortled softly.

Noah gave a weak smile. "If you know what's good for you, you won't tell him. Trust me."

Yugi frowned-or tried to. "We can't just let him walk around like that," he mock-scolded, trying hard to muffle his laughter.

Then Duke sneezed.

It wasn't a delicate, noble sneeze, no. It was one of those loud, wet, sloppy ones, where the contents of the nose became the unwanted contents of one's hands, and there was no choice but to wash the hands, or at least give them a good wipe down.

Duke sat, mortified, staring at the mess on his hand. He had no tissue. He'd used the last one while he was looking at his own reflection in the restroom.

Thank god nobody but him had been in there at the time.

But there were other people around now, and surely they could see his snotty hands and judge him accordingly. Surely they would not see him as a high status man of a small province that was about to conquer Monopolis.

Back on stage, the number ended. Bakura approached Joey in the wings behind the stage as the audience danced to a duet between Mai and Kaiba.

"Someone wants to invest in our shows," Bakura told him.

Joey's head perked up. "Who is it?" he asked excited.

"The Duke of Diceland."

Joey cocked his head. "Neva heard o' him."

"Well, he's the Duke. Of Diceland. Wherever that is. His assistant flashed the seal, so he must be legit."

"Wow." Joey chuckled incredulously. "I can't believe it. Royalty wants us? Is he here?" He ran to the door at the side of the stage to look out.

Bakura peered out into the crowd then up at the balcony. "He should be seated by now."

Joey squinted into the balcony level. "Where is he?"

Bakura looked up for the green-haired head of the assistant he'd met earlier. He saw Noah, watching and looking amused, while Yugi waved the toilet paper from Duke's shoe at him. Duke looked displeased to say the least.

"This was on your shoe," Yugi said. Then he looked at Duke's hand. "Ew…I don't suppose you could wipe it off with this?" He waved the one-ply toilet paper once more.

"He's the one Yugi is waving a tissue at," Bakura answered Joey, who was looking at the wrong end of the balcony.

Joey scanned his eyes over the balcony.

Upstairs, Yugi was back at his group's seats. "Does anyone have a tissue?"

The men dug in their pockets. Tristan pulled out an old packet of wet wipes.

"Is this okay?" He handed a wipe to Yugi.

"Perfect!" Yugi swished the wipe.

Back downstairs, Joey caught only this part of the exchange as Bakura was helping him unzip his bikini top. "Are you sure it's him?"

Bakura turned around from unzipping Joey. Yugi was now waving the wet wipe at Duke, who didn't look any happier.

"It's him, all right," Bakura responded. He tittered nervously as Joey slid into a new costume. "I hope he doesn't frighten him off too soon." Bakura exited the wings.

Joey looked back toward the crowd. "So Tristan's a Duke now? Da things you miss when your government falls apart."

Bakura ran back on stage. "Is everybody ready for Dancer's Choice?" he yelled to the audience.

"Yeah!" came the deafening reply.

"Come on! Back on the floor!" Yami jumped up from his chair. The rest followed. Tristan lagged a little, unsure if he could take any more excitement. By the time he met this Joey, he might need some smelling salts, maybe an electrolyte IV.

Joey, now in a green gingham pinafore, strode to the edge of the stage, where the audience members waited. "I spy wit' my little eye someone who wants to dance!" He extended his arm, straight out and swung it up like a lever (or something else that might swing upwards), his finger pointing at Tristan. "Schwing!"

Tristan's jaw dropped two inches. Make that smelling salts, an electrolyte IV, AND a defibrillator. Was this charming creature choosing him? He was so shocked when he discovered he could move his legs, he nearly had a heart attack right there.

He didn't and the dance proceeded without a hitch. Country-techno music blared from the speakers as everyone square danced.

"If it hadn't been for Leather-Clad Joe,

I'd-a gone insane a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where'd my pants go?

Where did you learn that, Leather-Clad Joe?" (3)

Bakura watched from the stage as the dancers danced with the customers. They'd be coming back for the next few nights, he could see that much. Probably all in their identical black berets and black vests, too. Despite their varying features and body types, they all looked remarkably similar in those outfits.

He noticed Joey do-si-doing with a tall, tanned man in a black beret and vest. "That Duke is certainly a good dancer. I would've thought the only dance he'd learn was one he could do with himself."

Tristan was glad he'd kept exercising after high school. Had he been in worse shape, he wouldn't be able to keep up with Joey. As it was, he was getting winded. Square dancing was harder than it looked.

"So what's up?"

There was a slight pause as Tristan realized Joey was talking to him. "Be cool. Don't spaz out. You went to school with this guy," he silently told himself.

"Um…I'm writing now."

They traded partners, then made their way back to each other.

"What kinda writin'?"

Crap. They were still talking about him. "Well, just any kind, really. Whatever kind keeps me off the street."

Joey laughed. "You're funny. Funnier than in high school."

Tristan happened to glance over at Yugi, who mouthed, "Dazzle him!"

Who did he think Tristan was, some kind of vampire?

"I write plays, and some poetry, but no one reads that." Maybe self-deprecating humor would get him to change the subject?

"Is it dat weird stuff about, like, clouds and rain? 'Cause if it is, I don't get it. Maybe you could explain it to me?"

They twirled. "Can't help you there. I don't get it either. My stuff is simple." Tristan thought a second. "Maybe that's why no one reads it."

"Huh. I'd like to hear it."

Tristan snorted. "Really?"

Joey was serious. "I mean it!"

"Well, I could come up for a private poetry reading later, if you want." Tristan made sure he put the emphasis on "private." Yugi had made it very clear that no one else was to be present at the reading since it would be taking place in a sardine can of a hotel room.

Joey grinned. "I'll rent a room, ya horndog."

Tristan assumed horndog was what all the cool kids were saying and left it at that. The slang people came up with baffled him to no end.

Too soon, the dance ended. The dancers went back onstage and the men sat back down. Joey climbed onto a glow-in-the-dark swing and the lights were dimmed for the show's finale.

"What did he say?" Yugi asked Tristan when they were back in the balcony.

"We're meeting for a poetry reading tonight," Tristan responded. "I hope I can impress him."

The swing levitated toward the balcony as Joey sang. His petticoat spread over his knees like a combination of clouds, silk, and butter. With less fat and cholesterol. Tristan couldn't believe the petticoat was plain cotton-or not butter.

"Tecum domum ibo," Joey sang. "Omnia extares, ordo ab chao!"

"I really have no idea what he's singing, but everything's cooler in Latin," Tristan thought, basking in the non sequiturs.

"O, cogito ergo sum, e pluri…" (4)

Joey's voice trailed off. He wasn't afraid of heights, but he was suddenly very dizzy. And he couldn't breathe, which might be a bit of an obstacle.

Bakura froze. "What could be wrong?"

The hall was silent. Everyone's eyes were glued to the swing and Joey, whose grip on the swing grew shaky. Bakura prayed he was wrong about what was to happen next.

"NO!" Bakura screamed as Joey fainted and fell off the swing. His skirt flew up as he plummeted towards the stage. Kaiba bounded up onstage and caught him just in the nick of time.

-O-o-O-

The audience fell into a hushed, confused conversation as Kaiba carried Joey backstage to the dressing rooms.

"Dangerous stunt, much?" Tristan whispered to Yugi.

"That's actually not part of the show," Yugi whispered back, puzzled.

Everyone's eyes migrated to Bakura. Bakura stared back, his white hair wild. He looked around the room apprehensively, then shouted, "YEAH!" He forced his face into a triumphant expression. He could have won an award for his acting, if only they were that kind of performance art club.

Sure enough, everyone cheered and yelled back.

"Or maybe it was," Yugi said, not sounding so sure of himself.

"Huh. Hardcore." Tristan joined the applause. Everybody began to chant, "Top! Dog! Top! Dog!"

Backstage, Kaiba rather unceremoniously dumped Joey down on the cowhide print couch.

"C'mon mutt, wake up. It's creepy to undress you while you're unconscious," Kaiba said loudly, thumping Joey's forehead.

Mai stood behind the couch with Téa, another dancer. "I don't think the Duke'll be getting his 'happy ending' tonight."

"Mai, that's tasteless." Téa swatted Mai's arm. Mai flicked Téa's nose.

"Don't sugarcoat it. Everyone knows what kind of club we're at," Kaiba grumbled, heading out to get Serenity, the club supervisor and Joey's sister.

Back outside, Bakura stopped the chant, glancing fretfully at the doors to the dressing rooms. Everyone followed suit, wondering what was so interesting about some tin foil covered doors.

Bakura pirouetted to face the crowd, wearing a mock scolding expression. "Now look what you've done. You've gone and frightened him off!" He reprimanded, wagging his finger.

"Awww." The crowd feigned compunction.

"But I'm sure some of the other lovely dancers would love a partner or two, or three!" Bakura continued. He hopped on stage and pulled a giant red lever, lowering the disco ball, which reflected the flashing traffic lights. "So if you're freaky-deaky, you can get your freak on with them!"

Everyone cheered and the dance pop started up again. The dancers trotted out to the stage.

"Where is he?" Serenity asked, not waiting for an answer. "Is he all right?" She flew over to the couch. "Everything's okay, now, I'm here." She took out a small bottle and popped the cap under Joey's nose. Joey snorted, then shoved himself as far as he could in his weakened state.

"Well, that was easy," Serenity said, chuckling lightly, but anxiously. "Now comes the hard part." She pulled out a small tubular vial. Joey, who was beginning to come around, made a face at the vial.

"Come on, you have to take it. You've had that cough forever," Serenity urged.

Joey wrinkled his nose, but let Serenity pour it into his mouth. He took a while to swallow the liquid. "I've had much worse," he joked weakly.

Bakura burst into the room. "Is everything all right back here?"

Joey hoisted himself up. "I think I'll live. It's no big deal."

Bakura nodded wearily, then dashed back out to the hall.

Joey wasn't a foot from the couch when a coughing fit forced him back down. Serenity ran to his aid, grabbing a tissue box from a nearby table. Joey, too weak to do much else, collapsed on the arm of the couch. Serenity put a tissue by his mouth to catch any mucus. Her heart fell when she took it away, bloodied.

Outside in the hall, everyone was having a grand old time dancing under the strobe lights to a pop waltz.

"Come one, come all rogue and loyal,

Lay down your troubles tonight.

Bathe in the ocean of light!" (5)

-O-o-O-o-O-

I added Noah to the story to add even more conflict. This story is going to pretend that he didn't die, but just kept a low profile while living with his brothers. Either that, or he was somehow granted a body after he earned redemption during the Virtual Arc.